Give Him Six Months to Start Talking Marriage or Get Rid of Him!

| 05/18/2012 | Comments (5)

Single Black women over the age of 30 are too patient with men and give them too much slack. Please understand ladies, that if you are past 30, consistently dating a man several times per week, and he is not making noises about you being his future wife and you two being married within six months time, you should cut him loose. No ifs, no ands, no buts, and no excuses.happy and in love, he knows she is the woman he wants to be his wife

There is no reason to try to force a man into a marriage proposal like some women do by hinting, or whining and asking over and over again when its going to happen. There is no reason to beg him to marry you or to (even worst) buy your own ring and propose marriage to HIM! You should not date him for 3, or 5, or 12 years having his babies along the way while begging him to get married so you can ‘be a family.’  You should never have to ask a man ‘well when you gonna be ready?’ All of that is a complete and total waste of time.

He Knew Right Away That You Weren’t Wife Material

Believe me, every man you spend time with knows in less than three months time if he could see himself married to you or not. Most know within the first two weeks – it does not take them years to figure it out.  The magic is either there from the start or it’s not – the feeling of magic is not something that can be created because you want it to be, nor is it something that shows up over time.  It’s just there or it’s not. Now he might not want to admit that you ARE wife material right away because he doesn’t want to scare you away, or because he is scared himself about the intensity of his feelings. However, he knows if you are NOT in the running to be his wife immediately, which is why you must not wait around giving your all in a situation where you two aren’t on the same page or even in the same book.

Sometimes guys don’t trust their gut reaction and second guess themselves. Or he may run home and tell his parents and siblings “today I met the woman I’m going to marry!” After they finish talking him out of it, some guys begin to doubt themselves… so he may take another few weeks to a month to feel secure about his gut reaction and alleviate his doubts that you are the prize winner of his heart.

So if you keep spending time dating a man that isn’t really feeling you like that – sleeping with him, moving in with him, having baby after baby, establishing joint bank accounts, buying a home a dog a car, etc. – you are just wasting your good time and youth on a man that doesn’t want you ‘like that.’  You are just some ass to him and need to get a clue so you can move on to get the marriage proposal you dream of.

Men, especially Black men, are very traditional when it comes to having a wife and being married. A man that really wants you is going to be proud to do it ‘right.’ Believe it or not, men that want to marry don’t see themselves getting married but one time, so they want to feel certain the woman they choose is perfect for them. Some do a logical analysis with spreadsheets, but most men go by what they feel.

In the movie The Godfather, this feeling was referred to as ‘the lightening bolt’ and Michael Corleone felt it in Sicily when he first laid eyes on Apollonia Vitelli.  That shock of instant recognition, the toe tingling, heart pounding, tongue twisting feeling that men get with they meet the woman they just cannot live without. Some men report being unable to breathe, and a sense that they’ve known this woman their entire life. Almost immediately he starts making plans to take up as much of your free dating time as he can because he can’t get enough of you.  Without prompting he starts tying up loose ends (other women), getting his money right to buy a ring and pay for a honeymoon, talking to his people and asking what they think of you, etc. because he wants to get you off the market and away from other men.

In other words, he does not want anyone to have access to the woman he loves and wants next to him forever. Your over-30 man wants to put things in motion towards confirming a permanent union with a marriage proposal. He’ll start planning how to do it and make it special because he wants the occasion to be memorable and something you two talk about in your old age.  Men are actually very romantic when their heart is touched.

Don’t Let Him Fake You Out By Claiming to be Confused

Men like to play that dumb role like they don’t know what you are talking about or what you want them to do, because it buys them some time. Don’t think they are ‘confused’ or ‘unsure’ or any of that after a couple of months of dating. He knows very well if marriage with you is on the horizon or not! He just either (1) doesn’t have a back up booty in place yet and needs time to find one; (2) he thought he liked you more than he does and is now trying to figure out a way to ease out of the relationship without hurting your feelings; or (3) he kinda likes you and is hoping that the love feelings get stronger over time.

The answers to these dilemmas? He can be horny, it won’t kill him! You’re a big girl and can handle a little rejection. And they aren’t going to, so don’t waste your time.

So when you casually mention at the 100 or so day mark that your goal is marriage within the next two years, pay careful attention to what he says and how he says it. You want to do this reasonably early in the relationship so that you can get out before you get too hurt, but wait long enough that you have a clear idea of who he is and he also has one about who you are. Ask lots of intelligent questions about his future goals, his past, his work, his family and his life. Find out if he is someone you would even want to marry first, but if the answer is yes, roll up your sleeves and let him know what time it is.

Judgment Day is upon him. If your boyfriend comes out with that ‘why you rushing?’ or ‘I have plenty of time to be single!’ or ‘your biological clock must be ticking!’ or ‘I think people need to date for at least five years before they even think about getting married’ or anything other than ‘you and me that’s it!’ then you are just playing yourself. And you are nothing but a convenient bed warmer and something to alleviate his boredom.

Your Time on this Planet is Limited… Don’t Waste it on Losers

Do not play games with men or allow them to play games with you. Dating an adult male for years and years and wasting your time with a ‘boyfriend’ like a teenage girl should never happen.

If you are spending time with a grown ass man that doesn’t want what you want out of life, or he is honest enough to admit that he doesn’t want it with you, be woman enough to make the hard decision and get rid of him. Get on to your bright and shiny future and marriage with a man that is on the same page, with similar goals and values. Don’t be afraid or make excuses by saying that you’ve already put in so much time, or he is your baby daddy, or you are worried about being alone, because in a situation where a man doesn’t really want to be with you YOU ARE ALREADY ALONE. You’re just too dumb to know it. Your gaming boyfriend making one excuse after another for why he can’t get married “right now” hopes for the sake of his Johnson and the services you provide him that you stay that way.

Remember, you can have what exactly you want in life – the romantic marriage proposal, the memorably beautiful wedding, the handsome loving husband, the cute little family and even the cat, dog and hamsters. You’ll just have to accept that you won’t be having any of that with HIM!

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Deborrah

Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.

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Comments (5)

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  1. ecgo says:

    13years in a relationship with the man that I love he asked me to marry him a month ago I said yes, now i’v been planning my wedding he has not looked at any of the plans I have he told me the colors he want to wear and a list of family he wan’t there but that’s is and when I bring it up he says what’s the rush we are to be married in 2015 he told his family and friends and he give the date but when I talk about it he gets upset he runs hot and cold I don’t know if he wants to marry me he says he dose that iam the one for him so why is he running hot one min then cold the next help.

  2. TeeHa says:

    Men are simple creatures and this is not meant as a derogatory remark toward men. Women don’t need to ask a man after 100 days of dating him what his intention is about marrying her because he will reveal it way before then simply by OBSERVING and LISTENING to him. If a man is serious he will talk about “you” being in his future. How does he treat you? Does he cherish you? Does he ask for your advice or opinion on things (that’s a big one)? Does he want you to meet his family and friends? Does he want you to celebrate in his accomplishments? I don’t claim to be an expert on men, but a man serious about marrying you will display everything I mentioned, and more, in far less time than 6 months. Just chill out ladies and look for it. If you don’t see it in 6 months then break up without any discussion of marriage. If he’s serious then he will tell you he wants you in his life. If he lets you walk, then you only invested 6 months of your time and shake the dust off your boots. And yes, I’m married, 22 years and I never once had to bring up marriage to my husband. I let him say “I love you” first and that came within 3 months of dating along with everything else I mentioned. I knew I was going to be his wife simply by observing and listening to him.

  3. SwirlQueen says:

    Livefyre is right Deborrah because this topic caused a fyrstorm on my page today.  I don’t have to tell you that I am amazed by the women who will defend this behavior and wonder why they are still single at the end of the day.  You got it right.  No ifs ands or buts or excuses.  A lot of black women think they have a lot of time and the next thing you know they are 40 waiting on the same man to commit.  Except for by then many are desperate and won’t listen to good advice anyway.  Great post as usual.

    • zipporah says:

       @SwirlQueen Back in the day, 30 WAS ALMOST TOO LATE to still be single OR if you were 30 you were probably divorced already and looking for another husband, or you were a widow. This business of being 30 and making it seem like 20 is rather dumb-especially if you want to have time with spouse and want more than one kid..i just cant believe women are being conned in this way…we’re supposed to have more education so we could make better choices……?

  4. AndreaLewis says:

    This is a great post. I have sent the link to some of my friends who have been dating the same bunch of users for YEARS (hoping that they can convince them to propose) and are now trying to convince me that I am rushing into marriage. LOL. A guy either knows that you are the one for him or he knows that you’re not. Period. My fiancee said he knew that he wanted to marry me on our first date. I don’t understand how or why. I wasn’t sure about him for another two months. I do know that, on the whole, men make up their minds about women faster than women make up their minds about men. But men will lie and fake confusion to maintain access to “booty”, like you said. Frankly, for women over 30, I would not wait 6 months. It’s too long a wait if you want children, unless you are dating 3-4 guys at once and comparing them to each other.
     
    Because I know how some people online can confuse things, I’d like to be clear that when I say “dating” I mean dating — getting to know someone, not having sex.

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