Cons of Marriage – Why Women Should Not Get Married

| 04/27/2010 | Comments (85)

For more than a year I’ve watched a variety of media outlets focus on what’s wrong with Black women. We’ve been accused of having the highest incidents of new AIDS cases, being too educated and professional to be chosen as wives, being too obese, to have too many children out of wedlock, and to be the only race of women that our own men don’t want to “wife up.”

I’ve been thinking about writing on this subject for quite awhile, but was finally motivated to get off my ass after the Nightline faceoff “Why Can’t a Successful Black Woman Find a Man” aired on April 21, 2010 with Steve Harvey, Hill Harper and Sherry Shepherd. This broadcast follows the ABC December 2009 “Single Black Female – And Plenty of Company” which also featured giggle boy Steve Harvey.

Black men love to attempt to make Black women feel bad when she is winning an argument, puts him in check, or rejects his advances by saying “well, that’s why you’re single!” as if being part of a couple is a trophy to be won. Even the panelists expressed such trite beliefs to no one’s surprise. Why do Black men (and brainwashed women) feel the need to drag Black women down with statements that infer that in spite of our progress, we are still nothing and nobody because we can’t “get” a husband? Seems some people think our sassy, sexy, confident selves need to be brought down a notch or two.

Who Cares About Being Married Anyway — Marriage is for Suckas!

Marriage is basically a bullshit mind game played on women for generations. Women were trained to think that being married is the greatest thing since sliced bread. Until they are married and get first hand experience, most women do not understand that being a free maid, cook, breeding stock and social secretary is not a goal to strive for.

The oft-quoted statistics on marriage used to bash Black women with by ABC television and Black men certainly show a greater level of marriage amongst other races. However, those stats do not reflect how many of those marriages last, nor how many of those marriages are happy and fulfilling for the wife.

Isn’t that more important than just being married?

As I said, last week ABC’s Nightline presented a panel discussion which addressed the reasons why professional, educated Black women aren’t married like professional, educated White women are. The focus of the non-professional panelists were the reasons why Black men felt Black women didn’t know how to get and keep a man.

From the perspective of the panelists, Black women seemed to have a somewhat reduced value in the dating pool because (1) their expectations were too high; (2) their desires in a man unrealistic; (3) their refusal to settle for a man “with potential” the key reason for the high number of single Black professional women.The panel’s tired solution concluded that Black women must lower their expectations if they wanted to ever be married.  But why aren’t White and Asian women told to lower their expectations if they want to marry? Why is it that only Black women are told to expect little to nothing from a man?

(this article is 5 pages long – see below)

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Deborrah

Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," and "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on Examiner.Com, SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.

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Category: Women's Issues

82 comments
jhunted7777
jhunted7777

Only marry for love , life is too short to be with someone you don't love that's #1 , 2 is the ability for a woman to see herself as just a woman and not something different like an Icon or Goddess to be worshipped , women are to be cherished as wives and Lovers along with being a best friend , Man is what God created him to be as woman was created to be what she was meant to be , no one says a woman can't strive for excellence in her own field and attaining it should not put her above a man , if a woman doesn't want to grow old alone or be with someone who doesn't love her but will stay with her for convenience sake , she should she let the man be a man or she really  is better off alone

blackpearl0506
blackpearl0506

Great article, Deborrah! It's high time  women start recognizing that marriage isn't the end-all, be-all to a committed relationship and given the high divorce rates, it is a very serious financial, legal risk one should really contemplate.

lovelybones
lovelybones

I'm right there with you. I'm not black, but I feel the pressure for women to marry is toxic and misleading, and the only reason black women are told to "lower their standards" is because their mating value is artificially held down by the media and racism, while black men, the educated ones in particular, are  pumped up, maybe to make up for the centuries of degradation of their masculinity from Jim Crow, etc. (To be fair, though, I do see more and more black women dating attractive, good men of other races, so people are slowly overcoming the brainwash). Also, no one is holding men accountable for the new wave of sexism and misogyny we've had since the mid-nineties, the "backlash" Susan Faludi described. The reality is, women who never marry are happier and earn more money, and the world is overpopulated, so what's really the point of marrying someone who doesn't match you well? Sometimes I think men act like douchebags just to keep the demand for good men high so that women can't experience the real advantage of having lower sex drives than men. Those who want to raise a child can always adopt and give someone who has had NO parents at least one, sidestepping the whole fatherlessness outcry. I think some of the pressure here can really be released if some white and Asian women - maybe Charlize Theron or Cameron Diaz - would just step up to the plate and vocalize about how great being single is, and that if women really want to improve their status in the world, they need to get over the whole getting married thing, that it ultimately just makes them beholden to men and that the opportunities and freedom for single women are richer than ever before, if only they have the guts to take advantage of it. We need to promote single ladies besides nuns (who themselves are pretty awesome) for how good they've got it - wealthier, freer, with intellectual hobbies and great careers, plus the ability to look good for longer and still score sex when they need some, since horny men can always be counted on. Yeah!

treyzexi
treyzexi

I'm a black woman and this article is BS. Our standards as any womans standards should be of there own. Your accusing us of having standards that for generations have been in place not to mention the great tradition and symbolism marriage brings. I'm sorry if I want a committed man, responsible, reliable, trustworthy, and above all respectful man in my life and the life of my children.no woman, black, white, Asian or whatever color. Should lower her standards. Your selling yourself short on so many fronts. And give whatever race you are a bad rap. If you don't want to marry that's your choice, but don't let someone say your to picky. You are the one who be spending your life with that person. Not them. Keep that for front in your mind.

kiki100
kiki100

On one had they say don't get married, on the next they say 'why are so few blak women married'. Nonsense.

browniegirl360
browniegirl360

Black women must be really special with the whole world being so preoccupied with our personal lives as if our personal lives is anyone's business. The true problem is that the whole world expect the black woman to SETTLE, SUBMIT, DENY HERSELF, BEG FOR A MAN, KISS THE BLACK MAN'S ASS, TAKE WHATEVER IS DISHED OUT TO HER and lets not forget BE JEALOUS OF WHITE AND OTHER WOMEN. Well I say, screw that crap. No man black, white or otherwise is worth my dignity ! Some things are NOT up for settlement, which consists of my SELF RESPECT, PRIDE, DIGNITY, ESTEEM and VALUE. He or she that expect otherwise will be in for a very rude awakening.  

Felicitym
Felicitym

I'm separated, and I have to say...I read this article at least once a week just to "gas up".

I got married young. I really didn't know myself and I had little or no expectations from my husband, even though he had a lot of expectations of me. I can honestly say that when (and if) I do get married again, its gonna be all about me; what I want, what I think, what I need.

Too many women start compromising before marriage. If marriage is so wonderful and exciting and fulfilling, why is it such "hard work"?

Jalunna
Jalunna

You need help. Reading this article makes me think of the bitter black women like yourself who wishes suffering on anybody who is happy in a relationship. I am praying for you God be with you.

Carol
Carol

It is amazing how, although there are so many different types of Black women with different backgrounds and personalities, we are always put in a negative category.

SunnyDay
SunnyDay

I read this article once a month just for fuel. Blessup!

John
John

After reading this article, I will say you did a great job. I highly respesct your opinion. Unfortunately, my initial reaction was negative. I took the time to sit and let it sink in before I wrote a comment. Initially, your comments are the exact reason why I won't date a black woman. They seem to angry and self-righteous. I'm a man of mixed race (black/white), and have a brown skin tone. I have one bachelors degree, several professional licenses and certifications in the medical field, and currently I am working on my second bachelors, and will obtain my graduate afterwards, so as you can see I am educated and accomplished.
I have no problem attracting black women, unfortunately, I only attract ghetto hoodrat, 2+ kid having, no job, poor grammar, overweight, uneducated black women. I won't date those kind of women. I find many black women attractive, but in my experiences in my 30+ years of living, every well-educated, accomplished, intelligent to my standards (knows how to carry on a relevant conversation with proper grammar) still thinks that any "brutha" is below them, and won't give them the time of day unless they look like Taye Diggs or Morris Chestnut, drive a BMW, and live in a condo while pulling in 6-figures. So if I went after say a Vivica A. Fox, she wouldn't look my way, and I'd be stuck with a Mo'Nique (sorry, she may be accomplished, but is the least attractive to me, and supports the stereotypes of ghetto sista with her yelling and character portrayals)
So when people say that black women as you described, have high standards, I have to agree. I have no problem obtaining a woman of a different race of the same "level" as these educated and prosperous black women, and they rarely have these "holier-than-thou" attitudes. My both of my sisters, beautiful, educated and mixed like myself of course, says it's because many accomplished black women are afraid of losing all they have worked so hard for if they end up with a black man, due to their own irrational fear caused by the stereotype.
Everytime I hear my black female friends complain about a "brutha" they talked to or dated, they act and talk like he wasn't good enough, and they deserve better, when in truth, they go after thugs. Just like when a white chick goes after the bad boy jeresy shore (shudder) type, black women go for the lil wayne, lil john, lil turd whatever type, and then complain about it later, and blame the good black men for not being there. Let me tell you this. I see a woman with that type of guy, or digging that type of guy, she is not my type of woman, period! It shows me she may be accomplished, but only wants lesser out of a man. I tell my friends this, and they agree with me in my own opinions, and don't blame me for not dating black women. They even tell their girlfriend's who ask about me the same, that I won't date a black woman unless she is at my level (sound familiar)
Overall though, great article, I resepct your opinion, but i feel if some black women wouldn't think and feel that any black man will bring them down just by dating or marriage, then they need not to be dating or get married to a black man, and not complain about it.

Brittany
Brittany

Ms. Cooper,

I am concluding from this article that you are not married and do not ever plan to get married. Is that true? A pure matter of curiosity, I am not trying to start anything with you (lol)!

Nicole
Nicole

I thoroughly enjoyed the article. I am a single AA female in Chicago. A couple's city if I've ever seen one. But I'm proud to say that marriage is not my aspiration. Happiness in all things in what I aspire to. I am proud of being taught to be strong, stand on my own feet, and make ways were there were none. It is my heritage. It is a shame that I cannot find someone similarly equipped, but it's a testiment to the changes coming. I know that young girls are being taught not to settle because my mother didn't settle and neither do I. It is such a foreign concept to me.

Ladies keep achieving, keep focusing, and know that the world does not dictate your life--you have to decide that for yourself. We can be happy without the benefit of a man in our lives. It is what men have been doing for years--George Clooney. I will be a serial bachelorette--love 'em and leave 'em. I'm young, smart, and capable. The world is my buffet and honey, I'm sampling!!!

p
p

ma'am i support you ideals for equality of the sexes but your approach will destroy the black family and subsequent generations. No one is oppressing you now. Children operate the best in healthly families ideally with a mother AND father. If that's not possible God will do the rest, however to forgo marriage means a life of abstinence, or a life filled with broken dreams promises and heartache. please dont believe the 'myth' of the being in immorality as the way to freedom. How many girls are in some kind of sexual bondage that's not freedom, but slavery. Sorry. immorality is never the answer. AIDS can occur from tragedy, but many times it is a result of casting of God's perfect law of marriage. you are contributing to the breakdown of the family and healthly society. You are sadly mistaken. Learn how to follow and then you learn how to lead.

martyrformarriage
martyrformarriage

I am not what would be considered a submissive woman, but I do know how to let a man be a man. This is where many women, but especially black women fall short. I believe in the instituition of marriage so much that my company has begun a series of books. In the series the authors tell how they kept the autonomy in their marriages, continued their education, raised their children and leaned on their Higher Power to make it through many of the rough times.

No, marriage is not for everyone, but anyone considering bringing children in this world should consider marriage. It is so easy to criticize when hard work is involved. Marriage is a journey. I have been with the same man for 25 years. It has been the hardest, most fulflling experience I have ever had.

Although my husband has not been the best husband, it turns out he was just right for me. Being hard to love, I had to learn how to love him and in that process I became the woman I wanted to be. I am strong, confident, independent, and loved. I know what it is like to see love in the eyes of a man who is grateful I didn't kick him to the curb when I should have. I didn't lock him out of my heart when I could have and I didn't divorce him when others would have. It is my opinion many black women are not marriageable.

The word marriage means to enter into agreement. Tell me, as a black woman, how many people do you agree with? How agreeable are you with yourself? So many of us are conflicted by our own thoughts and feelings, until we are not mentally capable of really assessing others.

We need to stop bashing each other and recognize that men/women are like undiscovered terrritory. If you think of marriage as an expedition, you'll be more inclined to recognize that treasures are uncovered along the way, but you have to be committed to the process. Being successful at marriage takes time. It is not easy and most definitely no for those looking for an escapegoat. Listen, unless a man is beating you, or verbally abusive to you, there is little reason to get a divorce or not to marry (if you plan to have children). Children need both parents. I'd my child be exposed to the natural parents toxic ways, than to consistently introduce strangers to them because I am able to handle what I claimed I wanted in the first place. We are all at fault.

This is a microwave society. A "let somebody else do it" generation. Where are the people who are willing to fight the good fight? Do what is right because it is the right thing to do? Where are the people who know that anything worth having is worth working for and sticking to it until the job is done.

Marriage is wonderful, even when it seems bad sometimes. Black girls are not taught they should take care of everything, they are forced to do so because their single mothers could not get themselves together enough to figure out what they really want from and man and seek.

Out of loneliness and disparation, they continuously make bad choices, then blame it on the man because he ain't right. We need to stop that craziness and accept responsibility for ourselves.

The Rain
The Rain

How ironic,I have been married for over 15 years,but I still advise guys to think twice about it,because I know women get more out of it than men do.Once again ,I hear all the exaggerations.What man in 2010 does not cook,clean wash his daughters hair and even take the children on vacation and let the wife relax at home?You people are some real losers and you know some real losers.You are who you attract.Most guys would love to get all that free milk without having to buy the cow.But real men are taught to marry a women before you have children.I keep hearing about all these Color Purple relationships.If men are this bad ,I think yall should just date and marry other women.You already got the lesbian mindset and spirit.Do your thang.If brothers are so disgusting and all, why on earth would you want anything to do with them?Oh,I get it,you don't like men ,you like dick.Those strap ons and dildos just want do.Talking about pussy whipped,give a Black woman a good thigh ride and make her cum and this fool will allow some no good thug to get away with anything.We joke about it all the time.I know this idiot that works every day,while her no count,non working baby daddy is at home sleep.If that mickey fickey could not sling pipe,he would be out on his azz.Show me a woman that is being mistreated by a guy,he is more than likely ringing that bell.You don't like Black men but you need them to validate your own miserable existence.I smell some rug lickers in the house.You can't get married so you try trash it,wow!I suggest yall try some hormone replacement treatment.Black women don't fair too well mentally when they don't have a man in their life to add balance and to give them the big O.I have noticed some of the most mellow older Black women when they have a husband.And I have noticed that the ones that don't have a husband are as crazy as bat shit after 40.They are hateful as gut shot grizzles.I did not read this,I have observed this over the last 30 years.These same man haters that poo poo marriage,are the same ones that bitch and moan when brothers say they don't want to get married or have children.You really lose your ficking mind when their are no brothers around to blame your unhappiness and bad choice making on.Case in point is old Whitney Houston.Bobby was no where near Europe when she started being Whitney and doing Whitney thongs.That 's the problem with blaming others for your own screw ups,when you run them off,everybody then sees it was you all along.Real Black men can cook clean and do for themselves.Too many of you people look good in the streets but you live in a pig sty and you can't boil water.Stop pretending that yall are Suzy Home makers A lot of you even get nervous and start thinking your man is a punk if he does cook clean and all.You know you are not worthy of such a good man,so he must be gay or something.You like drama so you can play " my drama is bigger than your drama" , with the girls.Marriage is a journey, not a destination.I never try to convince brothers to get married,because you can get a maid,a cook ,etc. buy pussy and still come out ahead financially and without all the nagging,bitching and all.More than likely a man's mother has brain dirtied him into thinking that he has to be married and have children to be a man.Not so.

CiCi
CiCi

I've been there done that....and I think marriage ain't all it's cracked up to be. I also think women lose more of themselves to the marriage and women tend to give up and in - much more than men. Women tend to put forth more effort to make the marriage work and I have a problem with that.

Now would I rather be married? ONLY, if he was perfectly made for me and how hard is that to find? I don't have a submissive personality, which I think works for a lotta marriages, if the woman is more under the control of the man.....and I have issues with that scenario. The fact that I was so young the first time and the fact that I'm not a submissive woman.....just made the marriage a struggle.

I believe in giving as good as I get, if I'm bending over backwards to keep the marriage pliable.....then he should be bending as well.....I just think a lotta men don't think they have to put as much effort in sustaining the marriage. That makes marriage way too much work and I don't want to do it.

Raz
Raz

This is a 'strawberry letter' that came from Steve Harvey's website'. See below: And steve harvey who himself has been married numerous times and has kids all over the place is a relationship guru? I don't get it. And men wonder why women are questioning the wisdom of marriage? Look at the trifling shyt women go through when they are married?
***************************************************************************
"Hello Steve and the Crew. I am currently a 22 year old college student. I have a 2 year old and I am pregnant with my second child. I am still in a good position to finish college even with the second baby. Although I work part time and go to school full time. My childrens father and I were married for almost 5 years. Last year we were in a process of going through a divorce but decided towards the end to attempt to keep the family together one more time. This is when I concieved again. At first he was relunctant to keep the baby but agreed not to abort it. Since then I have prepared for the baby (clothes, diapers, childcare arrangements, etc.) By myself. Even my family is helping me with my first child until she has to go back to school. At the beginning of the year he finalized the divorce and didnt tell me anything. Not even that he wanted to continue the divorce. And then moved in with another woman whom I suspect he was cheating on me with. And he told me he does not want anything to do with the second baby, he will only be a father to the first. I can go on and on but I dont want to overwhelm this letter. He says the only way he will participate with the unborn child is if I get a paternity test and put him on child support. This is devestating because we both grew up without our biological fathers. We will survive without him but I wasnt expecting for my unborn child to not have his father. I really messed up, what should I do?"

Raz
Raz

A friend of a friend of mine who shall remain nameless because she's a well known person had this to say about marriage, when asked if she would ever 'tie the knot"

"Why should I fuk up my life with marriage! I've got my life set just the way I want it. I travel all over the world, I have money to do what I want when I want. I own my homes and cars... I don't want kids. I have nieces and nephews to spoil. I don't relish having sex with the same dyck night after night for the rest of my life either. I most certainly don't want to deal with washing some jigga's laundry worrying about his meals, and if he's healthy and taking care of his azz. I certainly ain't having no jigga roost off my hard earned money either."

She continued by saying:

"Nope I don't want to be somebody's wife/nursemaid/cook/housekeeper. None of that is worth marriage to me. I just take my sausage when I want it don't need to buy the whole pig. I'm a serial monogamist. I'm into the dude for as long as it lasts, then it's off to another dude when I'm ready. My life is lived on 'MY TERMS'. I get to keep what's mine and not have to worry about him taking my shyt. So nope marriage is outdated. Women don't need to marry to get what they want out of a man these days especially women in my position.

If I get sick, I have a wide network of friends to take care of me, some of whom are doctors and nurses and they do a far better job than some guy would who probably would be pretty useless. I can't be tied down with marriage. I likes my freedom too much and I like hogging my whole California king sized bed all night. No wet spot."

coptic777
coptic777

Oh by the way you complain on the internet that was invented by what a man? You work in offices oh thats right built by men. You drive on roads built again by men yet you all think you can do w/ out us. Do you ever hear men saying "we dont need women?"

How stupid you all are not to realize that w/ out us you women would die!!! Complain about yet get all the privileges that men built for you. It really shows that women really black women can not think past themselves or 5 min ahead of themselves. Amazing.

Cynthia
Cynthia

lol at Brooklynight a lot of people think that because I grew up around AA women and some my best friends are AA women. I would spend every weekend at one of my AA gf's home. I At first my parents didn't like it until they got to meet and know my AA friends and their families. Like the white woman poster, I know the lingo and can get as 'real' as any like Kimora Lee. I wish I was an AA woman. They have the best figures on the planet. I was asking my hubby the other day about butt implants lol. He looked at me as if I'd lost my mind.

Cynthia
Cynthia

That fool dmv is not married, who does he think he's kidding? My hubby is out playing golf all day. Sunday's is his golf day and my 'time'. If he has this wife and child/children he's supposedly so devoted to why is he using 'quality time' on a blog for women? Shouldn't he be with his family?
If he's the example of the black men in America, then no wonder AA women don't have much to choose from when it comes to husbands. I say do like my AA friends did, date 'other'. They are out there and find AA women attractive. But only marry if it's what you want. Marriage is work! my hubby with all he has going for him, sometimes get's a bit intense. I'm glad he has his Sundays to play golf.

Deborrah
Deborrah

As poster DMV had nothing positive to add to the discussion, his comments have been deleted. One thing that Black women really don't need is yet another fool that has nothing to share but put downs and negativity. As a man who claims to be happily married, he should be off enjoying his non-Black bride and non-Black children, not posting on a website which focuses on the needs of SINGLE adults.

Thank you all for your patience with the little troll. :)

Cynthia
Cynthia

dmv
You're a black guy who's taking it up the azz (real men don't to come onto a woman's site all of the time and talk about what they claim is happening in their married lives. You're probably not even married as I doubt any woman traditional or otherwise would have you. I know down low when I run across them.
Any guy that frequents a woman's blog, and has time to talk about an article written by a woman for women is gay.

This is something gay guys do. A lot of gay guys tend to dislike women and often have negative things to say about women. (mostly because they're jealous of something that woman has. I'm around them all the time out here in Cali. I interact with them, I know their habits. You are gay so get over it. Either that or you're misogynistic when it comes to women as evidenced by the criteria you 'chose your traditional wife' and your negative comments towards any woman who 'you judge' to not be traditional.

Rather than doing something 'guy like' you've got time to come on this blog as soon as I post something. lol. What does that say about you. You don't see me on some blog about guys like you? I could care less about what 'random guys think and do on 'their blog'. Why are you on here and what do you care? If your life is so great, then why feel the need to come here and defend it? Just live it. Deborrah is writing this article telling women not to settle for guys just like you.
I'm not worried, my friends and I were already one step ahead. We were never were attracted to fukkers like you anyway so I'm glad she is telling women to think twice. Unless a guy has it going on and will treat his woman like a QUEEN, (not like you who expect a woman to do all those all those things Penny posted, ) He is not worth marrying.

I'm treated like a Queen as are my gf's, as all American women should be. Guys like you can go take it up the azz. And stay off these women's blogs.

Cynthia
Cynthia

dmv who gives a fuk what you think, you are your trifling family. You act you're some kind of god or something. You act as though 'you're the one who turned down American women to go out of the country to get a 'traditional woman'. Hahaha.

We know the real deal. American women, black/white/italian/other, whatever don't want your azz! Anybody who doesn't go along with your thinking or what you want, you put them down. I feel sorry for your wife because she's only as useful to you as long as she tows 'your; line'. You didn't pick her because you love her, you picked her because she was someone you can dominate. She'll never have a voice or be allowed to be independent. So of course you'd have to go out of the country to marry some woman who is desperate to come to the states to live. She didn't pick you because she loved you either. She wanted to be an American. So both of youall got something out of it and it's not built on anything healthy. Just two people coming together based on exploiting something the other one had. You came together out of what you both could 'get from the other not out of what you could give. So get the fuk out of here trying to make it seem as if you're all of that and that loads of American women were trying to get with you.

If anything it was the other way around. Hahaha

I along with 7 of my gfs went to an accelerated high school. 2 of my gfs are asian/black 1 is Ethiopian descent. The other 4 are AA girls. We are all beautiful & smart! Someone if you saw us, you'd want us but you know you couldn't. There weren't a lot of black guys in that high school, and the few that got in were total nerds who had no idea how to talk to girls. All of us dated white guys. 4 of us are married 1 engaged, the other in a LTR.

We all went to college, two got accepted in Ivy leagues, but we all decided to stay in Cali to go to school. Stanford, UC Davis, UCLA and Southern Cal. We all do quite well ourselves. We all get together and go to Hawaii every year for our 'girl time'. paid for by our hubby's. :) We were all in each other's weddings.

None of us would date a black guy because in America black guys just don't measure up to American women standards. They've fallen behind so it's no wonder they go outside the country to find someone desperate enough to want to come over here, to marry them. That's one step away from 'mail order bride. So I wouldn't brag about that if I were you.

My hubby does very, very well in Silicon Valley. That list Penny Lee posted, I laugh because I don't do those things unless I want to. We have a housekeeper and a chef who comes 3 days a week (A buddy of my hubby's who owns his own restaurant, but likes to experiment at our house, so we pay him, and he get's to try out his new ideas on us first). It works out. (i don't have kids yet we've only been married 1.5 years and both want to wait a bit. My hubby didn't marry me for me to 'serve him' or be his maid or be 'traditional.

All of my gf's had no trouble getting men! Their hubby's were lucky to get them. So stop bragging as if your wife got some sort of prize. All she got was a booby prize. Some pitiful guy who had to leave the Big U.S. to go get him a 'traditional wife'. A little puppet on a string who lives to serve him.
The minute she grows a backbone and learns to think for herself, she'll either leave you or you'll kick her out because you can't handle that.

Who'd want a weak minded spineless guy who thinks like you regardless of his race. A guy who only feels powerful by subjugating those who he feels is weaker than he is. You probably suck in bed too. Another reason guys go get naiive women who don't know any better.

So stop bragging the more you talk, the more you show how lucky American women are to have dodged that bullet. You are a complete fuking loser and an azz and your 'traditional wife and baby are welcome to you.' Any pluueeze, your so called 'traditional wife' would probably give her own 'eyes to look like Lucy Lu and have what she has rather than to be with someone like you. You probably lusts after lucy lu yourself. So stop it.

BTW, I'm loving Deborrah's blog. Someone sent me this link from FB. What a woman! She really knows how to keep it real for all women. Not sure why black guys are on here reading a blog written by a woman for women (maybe they are gay). I mean my guy wouldn't be on here reading this stuff. He would be doing to many 'guy' things and too busy being a MAN'. Rather than coming on to a 'woman's blog defending his so-called- way of thinking. Like women who read Deborrah's blog really gives a shyt.

Cynthia
Cynthia

dmv
You dumb fuk,
I am asian American I don't know what fool woman was desperate enuff to marry you. My hubby takes care of me every day not just on Mother's day. Your wife is a fool to have chosen the likes of you. It's sad that your wife has 'bred' more of your kind, you should be put down because you are unleashing more mini yous into the world.
Not all asian women would want some dumb fuk like you!

Deborrah
Deborrah moderator

LOLOL!!! What a great comment. Why am I just seeing it? Honey, you read it as often as you need or want to. I will never take it down. When I wrote it, there was nothing on the web the even MENTIONED marriage as having any cons. Of course now there are, but this article was one of the very first. For some reasons marriage in America is still seen as a goal for women. I seriously do not understand why.

Deborrah
Deborrah

If you were an original thinker and had some other word to use besides "bitter" I would actually entertain the thought of meaningful dialogue with you. But since I see you are one of those brainwashed bible thumping church women, I have no time nor interest. It would be best for both of us if you stayed your ass off my site. And keep your prayers. You need them far more than I do.

Anj
Anj

wow, I'm just reading this and all I can say is wow to John. First, like attracts like. When it comes to relationships, we don't get what we want but we get the essence of who we are. If you're attracting what you would judge as undesirable, then there's something about you that fit with the women you've met and if you don't like what you are attracting, then you need to heal that within you. Its so easy for us to blame circumstances and people outside of ourselves without going within first. It would be interesting to see who John is on the inside, his character and nature because there's no way he would attract what he's attrating in Black women if he didn't have some aspect of it within himself.

I am a beautiful black woman (up there with the 'vivica fox' and even jada pinkett smith look), am very educated, great paying job/career, no kids, I'm in my 30's and I keep myself in shape (not overweight or anything) and have attracted all types of black men. At times, some men feel intimated by me and I recognize that that's their own insecurity because they usually feel based on their history that a woman like myself would not speak or even go out with them. How wrong could they be and yet, I have no problem with their opinions/thoughts because I don't attract insecure men.

My king is a man with a job that's not six figures yet it's his character and nature that matches me so well. He's a good black man all around and the thing about him is no matter what, he my cake and anything else that comes with him financial/status, is just the icing. I accept and will be with him no matter what. I was raised with both my parents and my dad showed me an example of a man that I would one day grow up and want to be with and I have met that person in my king. So John, back to my original statement, like attracts like and if you're honest with yourself, you would definitely know what I'm talking about...

Raz
Raz

John: "I have one bachelors degree, several professional licenses and certifications in the medical field, and currently I am working on my second bachelors, and will obtain my graduate afterwards, so as you can see I am educated and accomplished."

Get a job and quit hiding from the real world in school. A perpetual student in your 30 + years! At your age you supposed to already be established. What is the point of getting a 2nd bachelors and then getting a Masters on top of that? You sound like a redundant 'edumucated' fool'. Probably overburdened with student loans which means you're broke. And now you're mad because your broke azz can't get the woman who is out there with a job and making it happen for herself. lol.

A successful established woman don't want to be with no fonky attitude having broke lifelong student. He can't offer her nothing but 'promises'. She is right to want a man on her 'level'. At the rate you're going, you'll be in school through your 40's and she wants a man who has it going on just like she does RIGHT NOW! Accomplished my azz, about the only thing you've 'accomplished' is let everyone know how stupid desperate and miserable you are because the women you want have consistently put you on 'nignore'. So now you want to run to Becky. Go with my blessings! But she don't want you either lol. Becky want men who have it going on even if she doesn't, so you lose out on all sides bro.

Raz
Raz

John: "So if I went after say a Vivica A. Fox, she wouldn’t look my way, and I’d be stuck with a Mo’Nique "

Vivica Fox is a creme of the crop type of woman, she can go for whoever she wants to have. You're not up there like that. You can't be no 4 or 5 trying to get a 10. That's the problem, brothas like you always over reaching trying to overstep. Get you a regular girl and be happy and change your fonky attitude. If you're as successful as you claim you are, then you shouldn't have a problem with a woman in all your 30 +years. You sound like a dude who is just mad because you can't get the woman you want because they don't want you.

Deborrah Cooper
Deborrah Cooper

John, I don't care how "mixed race" your fonky ass thinks you are! You are still a nigga. You have a nigga mentality and a nigga attitude towards Black women. And you ain't nothing special and mentioning your skin tone merely shows you to be one of those nigga men that thinks he is better than everyone else that is Black. You gotta remember that every single African American person in this country is mixed. Some first generation, some 5th, but we are all mixed with massa's gene pool just like you.

Secondly, if you have all those qualities going for you, and women don't want to be bothered with your ass, it can only mean one of two things: #1 You are so ugly you look like a troll or #2 your attitude is such a turn off that women run screaming from you as fast as their legs will carry them.

Lastly, you are stupid. You are one of those dumb ass Black men that sit around thinking Black women date some mysterious type of man called a "thug" which none of us know what the fuck you are talking about. We date regular guys that work at the post office, UPS, FED EX, local hospitals, fire houses, own their own businesses, libraries and restaurants, drive trucks and teach school. No, they are not major professionals but neither are they these mysterious "thug niggas" that you all like to think you are so much better than.

What a joke. It's disappointing to have allegedly mature, intelligent Black men say the things you are saying. You and men like you are such a disappointment. But if you have a woman of another race that thinks your dumb ass is the bomb, I do suggest that you go over there and look at Becky and be happy.

Deborrah Cooper
Deborrah Cooper

The first thing you need to do Brittany when you come on this site, is to not assume that everything I write has any reflection on my personal life. Remember, this is my WORK. I give opinions based on what I see happening in society with thousands of women over decades. Look beyond yourself and beyond me when you read here and do not ever conclude anything personal about what I think or do or am.

So the answer to your question is I've been there and done that. My husband died in a car accident some years ago, and I have not met anyone worthy of my hand in marriage yet for me to consider remarrying.

Deborrah Cooper
Deborrah Cooper

If you had read the entire article and truly understood what you read, you would know several things. #1 marriages have been failing for hundreds of years. Since I was a child or not even born during most of that time, I hardly have the power to destroy the black family with one critical blog post. #2 Not being married hardly means a life of abstinence. Don't you see all the "baby mommas" and "baby daddies" and divorced folks having sex right and left? #3 Many women got AIDS from their husbands that were undercover gays or out creeping with hookers. #4 I have never been a follower, I am a leader and will always be such. #5 Half of what you wrote in your comment has nothing to do with women choosing to live a life without marriage to some chump. As stated in the article if she does decide to marry, she should know what she is in for... not enter into it with stars in her eyes and dreams of a perfect life now that she is married that are unrealistic.

Carol
Carol

Hi Marty. It's amazing to hear people say what Black girls are taught and not taught. The Black race is so big and broad that it is impossible to speak for everyone(male or female). I was married for 23 years before I decided to finally divorce a man who thought that it was all right to sleep around. Sometimes sticking it out is the answer and sometimes its not. It depends on the maturity and self esteem of both the male and female involved. Yes it's best that children have both parents in their lives, but staying married to the wrong person could also send the wrong message to children who are watching. They may grow up thinking that wrong behavior is the norm. I am glad your marriage is working and hope that it only gets easier for you. There are so many different marital situation - it's best not to judge.

Deborrah
Deborrah

See, that is the problem right there. "Let a man be a man"... what kind of crazy statement is that? A woman does not have the power to stop a male from being a male, nor the power to stop a real man from being a real man. Why women have been brainwashed to think they should assume responsibility for a man's masculinity when in reality that is his damn job. It is also his job to be the right kind of man, one his mother and all women he comes into contact with will proudly acknowledge as someone they know. If he is not that kind of man to himself, then he ain't right and you know it.

You are what I call a "male identified" woman that does not know how to separate herself and her needs and responsibilities from those of a male. You were raised to be codependent as I said in my article, so I can't really blame you. But as an adult, especially an author on the subject of marriage, it is irresponsible not to show young girls caught in a fairy tale about marriage both sides of the coin. There are pros to marriage, certainly; but there are an equal or greater number of cons and women need to be clearly aware of them.

Kf
Kf

Great article. Its speaks to me as well. I'm a white women making good money and I share a great many of the sentiments expressed in the comments and article. Every time I see my mother it's like the first and only thing she wants to know - have I met anyone yet. It drives me crazy. I love to travel, have the means and time to do so, I have a great job that allows me a lot of freedom and yet that seems to be all that she's is interested in - have I met someone yet. To me it's like those bumper sticker/towels that say why do I have to get married I didn't do anything wrong.

Elle
Elle

coptic777: "Do you ever hear men saying 'we dont need women?"

Every single day of my life I hear that crap. Men like you should really learn to get over themselves. What woman in her right mind would want to be with someone with that kind of attitude?

Stiletto
Stiletto

If a man says he has to date women from other countries just admitted that he has no game. He has to go start all over on some poor unsuspecting woman.

Jalunna
Jalunna

There is no need to get ugly I am just giving my honest opinion. You're what the french call une telle chienne folle.

eLLe85
eLLe85

Every so often I have to re-read Deborrah's articles to get a fix. I had to log in to LOL and co-sign you as usual Raz. This brotha sounds exactly like what we said before about so-called "nice guys" who are running around looking like a Ford escort trying to get with a top of the line Benz and then complaining when the Mercedes passes it by but then still don't want to get with another Ford escort either! LMAO.

Raz
Raz

Deborrah: "But if you have a woman of another race that thinks your dumb ass is the bomb, I do suggest that you go over there and look at Becky and be happy."

LOL Becky don't want his stupid dumb fonky attitude having azz either lol. These jikkas kill me. They think bragging about what nonblack women will have is supposed to make black women sad when we could give less than a dayum. White women still marry within their own race the majority of the time. And most times when brothas do get the Becky's, she is usually some woman a white guy wouldn't even want. In fact white guys often joke that they're glad black men marry the white women they wouldn't want. And if he had a Becky, he wouldn't be talking about 'getting one'. He'd be content with his Becky and go sit down somewhere. Most brothas who make statements like that, usually have been rejected left and right by the women they really want so in order to make themselves feel better, they say they are 'abandoning the black sistahs and going to get them a becky'. Why would black women get upset by a 'reject' going to Becky? She wouldn't.

Janetta Blake
Janetta Blake

*Sigh* This has been argued ad nauseum. But I'll weigh in. My mother, a single parent who has a Masters, investments, homes, etc., taught me to be self-sufficient and get my education. She made me believe that I should never accept a man with less education/success than me, and any man who didn't have these things were not worthy of me. My mother is in her 60's, totally alone, never married. I can't even recall her having a boyfriend when I was young.

Throughout my 20's, I had so many gentlemen interested in me, but my conditioning lead me to reject them. I brought home V, who was country and not very smart, but was hardworking and loving. My mother turned up her nose in disgust. Then there was J, who was overweight, but educated, kind, loving and would have given me his left kidney. My mother planned to boycott our wedding if we got married, then insulted him to his face. My third marriage proposal came from T, who was educated, but unemployed. More disgust from my mom who thought he wasn't good enuff. Now I'm in my 30's and haven't had a man in over a year. Totally alone. All my friends are getting married.

So yeah, that "strong black woman that doesn't need a man" attitude is toxic.

LarryJackson
LarryJackson

I think you may have been a bit too quick to derride this "male
identified" poster. I am still not sure what 'let a man be a man'
means but morphing her phrase into strawman polemicals (males can be
males, real men can be real men ) doesn't furthur any understanding. I
like the how you label her I can think of some others:
"perm identified" women
"pork chop identified women"
"too-quick-to-derride-identified" women
to name a few.

Raz
Raz

Jalunna: '. I am praying for you God be with you....You’re what the french call une telle chienne folle."

I've always said that bible thumping women are some of the meanest hypocritical bitches on the planet and will attack you like a snake as soon as you say something 'they don't like. They think they are doing you a favor by ''praying for you'. Where is all that so called godliness Jalunna? You didn't like something Ms. Cooper said so you responded by calling her names (cazy bitch) in french.

If you were so godly and so devoted to "prayers" shouldn't you have risen above the name calling? Why did you get 'ugly'? Ms Cooper didn't get ugly with you. In fact you started it; instead of commenting on the article, you went after Ms. Cooper attempting to belittle and personally attack her character and you don't even know her. See you can't trust these bible thumping heffas they just talk the talk and don't walk the walk and they are the ones who need their own prayers. Just goes to show they don't really mean anything about 'praying for anybody. They just say that mess as a put down.

Raz
Raz

You haven't seen 'ugly' and if your trifling silly ass thought that mild response was 'ugly' especially in light of you calling her 'bitter' then let me show you ugly.
You must be talking about your Mama, aunts, sisters, female friends and yourself! You are what the English call a stank ho beeyatch heffa with a diseased pussy that stinks for miles all across the pond from france to the USA. Now stay the fuck off this blog and take your unwanted unasked for opinions elsewhere. Right back at cha you crazy silly tired ass bitch!

J
J

Thanks for being honest Janetta. Sad fact is that too many people are content with just jumping from one relationship to the next and getting their freak on. I myself think the whole single satisfied thing is so played out. Men and women are going to be arguing and complaining until the good lord comes back. Me, I am on the lookout for wifey and won't stop till I find her.

Deborrah
Deborrah

Nobody asked you Larry. This is an A and B conversation... C your way out of it.

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