Cons of Marriage – Why Women Should Not Get Married

| 04/27/2010 | Comments (87)

For more than a year I’ve watched a variety of media outlets focus on what’s wrong with Black women. We’ve been accused of having the highest incidents of new AIDS cases, being too educated and professional to be chosen as wives, being too obese, to have too many children out of wedlock, and to be the only race of women that our own men don’t want to “wife up.”

I’ve been thinking about writing on this subject for quite awhile, but was finally motivated to get off my ass after the Nightline faceoff “Why Can’t a Successful Black Woman Find a Man” aired on April 21, 2010 with Steve Harvey, Hill Harper and Sherry Shepherd. This broadcast follows the ABC December 2009 “Single Black Female – And Plenty of Company” which also featured giggle boy Steve Harvey.

Black men love to attempt to make Black women feel bad when she is winning an argument, puts him in check, or rejects his advances by saying “well, that’s why you’re single!” as if being part of a couple is a trophy to be won. Even the panelists expressed such trite beliefs to no one’s surprise. Why do Black men (and brainwashed women) feel the need to drag Black women down with statements that infer that in spite of our progress, we are still nothing and nobody because we can’t “get” a husband? Seems some people think our sassy, sexy, confident selves need to be brought down a notch or two.

Who Cares About Being Married Anyway — Marriage is for Suckas!

Marriage is basically a bullshit mind game played on women for generations. Women were trained to think that being married is the greatest thing since sliced bread. Until they are married and get first hand experience, most women do not understand that being a free maid, cook, breeding stock and social secretary is not a goal to strive for.

The oft-quoted statistics on marriage used to bash Black women with by ABC television and Black men certainly show a greater level of marriage amongst other races. However, those stats do not reflect how many of those marriages last, nor how many of those marriages are happy and fulfilling for the wife.

Isn’t that more important than just being married?

As I said, last week ABC’s Nightline presented a panel discussion which addressed the reasons why professional, educated Black women aren’t married like professional, educated White women are. The focus of the non-professional panelists were the reasons why Black men felt Black women didn’t know how to get and keep a man.

From the perspective of the panelists, Black women seemed to have a somewhat reduced value in the dating pool because (1) their expectations were too high; (2) their desires in a man unrealistic; (3) their refusal to settle for a man “with potential” the key reason for the high number of single Black professional women.The panel’s tired solution concluded that Black women must lower their expectations if they wanted to ever be married.  But why aren’t White and Asian women told to lower their expectations if they want to marry? Why is it that only Black women are told to expect little to nothing from a man?

(this article is 5 pages long – see below)

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Deborrah

Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on Examiner.Com, SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.

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Category: Women's Issues

86 comments
up_late
up_late

Hi, I love your blog. I'm from Australia and they say the same things about us and about marriage too, it's global. Here they tell us how great "mail order brides" are and the local women are cast as easy, delusional princesses because they won't go along with whatever half arsed effort happens to be thrown their way.


I think where a lot of the criticism of women is coming from is bleed through from the "seduction community" and "men go their own way" rhetoric making its way into the tabloid media, you know how all three of them like to stir up trouble. Thing is for all their hatred all they achieve is to drive people away from their stomping ground (the singles scene) into meeting people in environments where people with that attitude are not welcome. They then pop up all over the place calling women "stuck up Bs" for not wanting to associate with them. Rather than lifting their personal standards they tear everyone else down, it's a vile attitude in dating or anywhere else and a serious character flaw.


As for marriage, the stakes are higher now with family households needing the extra income, a lot more is asked of women these days so men who have been coasting need to lift their game. It's not that women now work and have rights, it's economics, if women didn't work the working (and increasingly also the middle classes) could not afford to have a family. It's all well and good for a man to say he wants to marry and have children, but who is going to pay for it and who is going to have the time to raise them? They can't have their cake and eat it too.

jhunted7777
jhunted7777

Only marry for love , life is too short to be with someone you don't love that's #1 , 2 is the ability for a woman to see herself as just a woman and not something different like an Icon or Goddess to be worshipped , women are to be cherished as wives and Lovers along with being a best friend , Man is what God created him to be as woman was created to be what she was meant to be , no one says a woman can't strive for excellence in her own field and attaining it should not put her above a man , if a woman doesn't want to grow old alone or be with someone who doesn't love her but will stay with her for convenience sake , she should she let the man be a man or she really  is better off alone

blackpearl0506
blackpearl0506

Great article, Deborrah! It's high time  women start recognizing that marriage isn't the end-all, be-all to a committed relationship and given the high divorce rates, it is a very serious financial, legal risk one should really contemplate.

lovelybones
lovelybones

I'm right there with you. I'm not black, but I feel the pressure for women to marry is toxic and misleading, and the only reason black women are told to "lower their standards" is because their mating value is artificially held down by the media and racism, while black men, the educated ones in particular, are  pumped up, maybe to make up for the centuries of degradation of their masculinity from Jim Crow, etc. (To be fair, though, I do see more and more black women dating attractive, good men of other races, so people are slowly overcoming the brainwash). Also, no one is holding men accountable for the new wave of sexism and misogyny we've had since the mid-nineties, the "backlash" Susan Faludi described. The reality is, women who never marry are happier and earn more money, and the world is overpopulated, so what's really the point of marrying someone who doesn't match you well? Sometimes I think men act like douchebags just to keep the demand for good men high so that women can't experience the real advantage of having lower sex drives than men. Those who want to raise a child can always adopt and give someone who has had NO parents at least one, sidestepping the whole fatherlessness outcry. I think some of the pressure here can really be released if some white and Asian women - maybe Charlize Theron or Cameron Diaz - would just step up to the plate and vocalize about how great being single is, and that if women really want to improve their status in the world, they need to get over the whole getting married thing, that it ultimately just makes them beholden to men and that the opportunities and freedom for single women are richer than ever before, if only they have the guts to take advantage of it. We need to promote single ladies besides nuns (who themselves are pretty awesome) for how good they've got it - wealthier, freer, with intellectual hobbies and great careers, plus the ability to look good for longer and still score sex when they need some, since horny men can always be counted on. Yeah!

treyzexi
treyzexi

I'm a black woman and this article is BS. Our standards as any womans standards should be of there own. Your accusing us of having standards that for generations have been in place not to mention the great tradition and symbolism marriage brings. I'm sorry if I want a committed man, responsible, reliable, trustworthy, and above all respectful man in my life and the life of my children.no woman, black, white, Asian or whatever color. Should lower her standards. Your selling yourself short on so many fronts. And give whatever race you are a bad rap. If you don't want to marry that's your choice, but don't let someone say your to picky. You are the one who be spending your life with that person. Not them. Keep that for front in your mind.

kiki100
kiki100

On one had they say don't get married, on the next they say 'why are so few blak women married'. Nonsense.

browniegirl360
browniegirl360

Black women must be really special with the whole world being so preoccupied with our personal lives as if our personal lives is anyone's business. The true problem is that the whole world expect the black woman to SETTLE, SUBMIT, DENY HERSELF, BEG FOR A MAN, KISS THE BLACK MAN'S ASS, TAKE WHATEVER IS DISHED OUT TO HER and lets not forget BE JEALOUS OF WHITE AND OTHER WOMEN. Well I say, screw that crap. No man black, white or otherwise is worth my dignity ! Some things are NOT up for settlement, which consists of my SELF RESPECT, PRIDE, DIGNITY, ESTEEM and VALUE. He or she that expect otherwise will be in for a very rude awakening.  

Felicitym
Felicitym

I'm separated, and I have to say...I read this article at least once a week just to "gas up".

I got married young. I really didn't know myself and I had little or no expectations from my husband, even though he had a lot of expectations of me. I can honestly say that when (and if) I do get married again, its gonna be all about me; what I want, what I think, what I need.

Too many women start compromising before marriage. If marriage is so wonderful and exciting and fulfilling, why is it such "hard work"?

Jalunna
Jalunna

You need help. Reading this article makes me think of the bitter black women like yourself who wishes suffering on anybody who is happy in a relationship. I am praying for you God be with you.

Carol
Carol

It is amazing how, although there are so many different types of Black women with different backgrounds and personalities, we are always put in a negative category.

SunnyDay
SunnyDay

I read this article once a month just for fuel. Blessup!

John
John

After reading this article, I will say you did a great job. I highly respesct your opinion. Unfortunately, my initial reaction was negative. I took the time to sit and let it sink in before I wrote a comment. Initially, your comments are the exact reason why I won't date a black woman. They seem to angry and self-righteous. I'm a man of mixed race (black/white), and have a brown skin tone. I have one bachelors degree, several professional licenses and certifications in the medical field, and currently I am working on my second bachelors, and will obtain my graduate afterwards, so as you can see I am educated and accomplished.
I have no problem attracting black women, unfortunately, I only attract ghetto hoodrat, 2+ kid having, no job, poor grammar, overweight, uneducated black women. I won't date those kind of women. I find many black women attractive, but in my experiences in my 30+ years of living, every well-educated, accomplished, intelligent to my standards (knows how to carry on a relevant conversation with proper grammar) still thinks that any "brutha" is below them, and won't give them the time of day unless they look like Taye Diggs or Morris Chestnut, drive a BMW, and live in a condo while pulling in 6-figures. So if I went after say a Vivica A. Fox, she wouldn't look my way, and I'd be stuck with a Mo'Nique (sorry, she may be accomplished, but is the least attractive to me, and supports the stereotypes of ghetto sista with her yelling and character portrayals)
So when people say that black women as you described, have high standards, I have to agree. I have no problem obtaining a woman of a different race of the same "level" as these educated and prosperous black women, and they rarely have these "holier-than-thou" attitudes. My both of my sisters, beautiful, educated and mixed like myself of course, says it's because many accomplished black women are afraid of losing all they have worked so hard for if they end up with a black man, due to their own irrational fear caused by the stereotype.
Everytime I hear my black female friends complain about a "brutha" they talked to or dated, they act and talk like he wasn't good enough, and they deserve better, when in truth, they go after thugs. Just like when a white chick goes after the bad boy jeresy shore (shudder) type, black women go for the lil wayne, lil john, lil turd whatever type, and then complain about it later, and blame the good black men for not being there. Let me tell you this. I see a woman with that type of guy, or digging that type of guy, she is not my type of woman, period! It shows me she may be accomplished, but only wants lesser out of a man. I tell my friends this, and they agree with me in my own opinions, and don't blame me for not dating black women. They even tell their girlfriend's who ask about me the same, that I won't date a black woman unless she is at my level (sound familiar)
Overall though, great article, I resepct your opinion, but i feel if some black women wouldn't think and feel that any black man will bring them down just by dating or marriage, then they need not to be dating or get married to a black man, and not complain about it.

Brittany
Brittany

Ms. Cooper,

I am concluding from this article that you are not married and do not ever plan to get married. Is that true? A pure matter of curiosity, I am not trying to start anything with you (lol)!

Nicole
Nicole

I thoroughly enjoyed the article. I am a single AA female in Chicago. A couple's city if I've ever seen one. But I'm proud to say that marriage is not my aspiration. Happiness in all things in what I aspire to. I am proud of being taught to be strong, stand on my own feet, and make ways were there were none. It is my heritage. It is a shame that I cannot find someone similarly equipped, but it's a testiment to the changes coming. I know that young girls are being taught not to settle because my mother didn't settle and neither do I. It is such a foreign concept to me.

Ladies keep achieving, keep focusing, and know that the world does not dictate your life--you have to decide that for yourself. We can be happy without the benefit of a man in our lives. It is what men have been doing for years--George Clooney. I will be a serial bachelorette--love 'em and leave 'em. I'm young, smart, and capable. The world is my buffet and honey, I'm sampling!!!

p
p

ma'am i support you ideals for equality of the sexes but your approach will destroy the black family and subsequent generations. No one is oppressing you now. Children operate the best in healthly families ideally with a mother AND father. If that's not possible God will do the rest, however to forgo marriage means a life of abstinence, or a life filled with broken dreams promises and heartache. please dont believe the 'myth' of the being in immorality as the way to freedom. How many girls are in some kind of sexual bondage that's not freedom, but slavery. Sorry. immorality is never the answer. AIDS can occur from tragedy, but many times it is a result of casting of God's perfect law of marriage. you are contributing to the breakdown of the family and healthly society. You are sadly mistaken. Learn how to follow and then you learn how to lead.

martyrformarriage
martyrformarriage

I am not what would be considered a submissive woman, but I do know how to let a man be a man. This is where many women, but especially black women fall short. I believe in the instituition of marriage so much that my company has begun a series of books. In the series the authors tell how they kept the autonomy in their marriages, continued their education, raised their children and leaned on their Higher Power to make it through many of the rough times.

No, marriage is not for everyone, but anyone considering bringing children in this world should consider marriage. It is so easy to criticize when hard work is involved. Marriage is a journey. I have been with the same man for 25 years. It has been the hardest, most fulflling experience I have ever had.

Although my husband has not been the best husband, it turns out he was just right for me. Being hard to love, I had to learn how to love him and in that process I became the woman I wanted to be. I am strong, confident, independent, and loved. I know what it is like to see love in the eyes of a man who is grateful I didn't kick him to the curb when I should have. I didn't lock him out of my heart when I could have and I didn't divorce him when others would have. It is my opinion many black women are not marriageable.

The word marriage means to enter into agreement. Tell me, as a black woman, how many people do you agree with? How agreeable are you with yourself? So many of us are conflicted by our own thoughts and feelings, until we are not mentally capable of really assessing others.

We need to stop bashing each other and recognize that men/women are like undiscovered terrritory. If you think of marriage as an expedition, you'll be more inclined to recognize that treasures are uncovered along the way, but you have to be committed to the process. Being successful at marriage takes time. It is not easy and most definitely no for those looking for an escapegoat. Listen, unless a man is beating you, or verbally abusive to you, there is little reason to get a divorce or not to marry (if you plan to have children). Children need both parents. I'd my child be exposed to the natural parents toxic ways, than to consistently introduce strangers to them because I am able to handle what I claimed I wanted in the first place. We are all at fault.

This is a microwave society. A "let somebody else do it" generation. Where are the people who are willing to fight the good fight? Do what is right because it is the right thing to do? Where are the people who know that anything worth having is worth working for and sticking to it until the job is done.

Marriage is wonderful, even when it seems bad sometimes. Black girls are not taught they should take care of everything, they are forced to do so because their single mothers could not get themselves together enough to figure out what they really want from and man and seek.

Out of loneliness and disparation, they continuously make bad choices, then blame it on the man because he ain't right. We need to stop that craziness and accept responsibility for ourselves.

The Rain
The Rain

How ironic,I have been married for over 15 years,but I still advise guys to think twice about it,because I know women get more out of it than men do.Once again ,I hear all the exaggerations.What man in 2010 does not cook,clean wash his daughters hair and even take the children on vacation and let the wife relax at home?You people are some real losers and you know some real losers.You are who you attract.Most guys would love to get all that free milk without having to buy the cow.But real men are taught to marry a women before you have children.I keep hearing about all these Color Purple relationships.If men are this bad ,I think yall should just date and marry other women.You already got the lesbian mindset and spirit.Do your thang.If brothers are so disgusting and all, why on earth would you want anything to do with them?Oh,I get it,you don't like men ,you like dick.Those strap ons and dildos just want do.Talking about pussy whipped,give a Black woman a good thigh ride and make her cum and this fool will allow some no good thug to get away with anything.We joke about it all the time.I know this idiot that works every day,while her no count,non working baby daddy is at home sleep.If that mickey fickey could not sling pipe,he would be out on his azz.Show me a woman that is being mistreated by a guy,he is more than likely ringing that bell.You don't like Black men but you need them to validate your own miserable existence.I smell some rug lickers in the house.You can't get married so you try trash it,wow!I suggest yall try some hormone replacement treatment.Black women don't fair too well mentally when they don't have a man in their life to add balance and to give them the big O.I have noticed some of the most mellow older Black women when they have a husband.And I have noticed that the ones that don't have a husband are as crazy as bat shit after 40.They are hateful as gut shot grizzles.I did not read this,I have observed this over the last 30 years.These same man haters that poo poo marriage,are the same ones that bitch and moan when brothers say they don't want to get married or have children.You really lose your ficking mind when their are no brothers around to blame your unhappiness and bad choice making on.Case in point is old Whitney Houston.Bobby was no where near Europe when she started being Whitney and doing Whitney thongs.That 's the problem with blaming others for your own screw ups,when you run them off,everybody then sees it was you all along.Real Black men can cook clean and do for themselves.Too many of you people look good in the streets but you live in a pig sty and you can't boil water.Stop pretending that yall are Suzy Home makers A lot of you even get nervous and start thinking your man is a punk if he does cook clean and all.You know you are not worthy of such a good man,so he must be gay or something.You like drama so you can play " my drama is bigger than your drama" , with the girls.Marriage is a journey, not a destination.I never try to convince brothers to get married,because you can get a maid,a cook ,etc. buy pussy and still come out ahead financially and without all the nagging,bitching and all.More than likely a man's mother has brain dirtied him into thinking that he has to be married and have children to be a man.Not so.

CiCi
CiCi

I've been there done that....and I think marriage ain't all it's cracked up to be. I also think women lose more of themselves to the marriage and women tend to give up and in - much more than men. Women tend to put forth more effort to make the marriage work and I have a problem with that.

Now would I rather be married? ONLY, if he was perfectly made for me and how hard is that to find? I don't have a submissive personality, which I think works for a lotta marriages, if the woman is more under the control of the man.....and I have issues with that scenario. The fact that I was so young the first time and the fact that I'm not a submissive woman.....just made the marriage a struggle.

I believe in giving as good as I get, if I'm bending over backwards to keep the marriage pliable.....then he should be bending as well.....I just think a lotta men don't think they have to put as much effort in sustaining the marriage. That makes marriage way too much work and I don't want to do it.

Raz
Raz

This is a 'strawberry letter' that came from Steve Harvey's website'. See below: And steve harvey who himself has been married numerous times and has kids all over the place is a relationship guru? I don't get it. And men wonder why women are questioning the wisdom of marriage? Look at the trifling shyt women go through when they are married?
***************************************************************************
"Hello Steve and the Crew. I am currently a 22 year old college student. I have a 2 year old and I am pregnant with my second child. I am still in a good position to finish college even with the second baby. Although I work part time and go to school full time. My childrens father and I were married for almost 5 years. Last year we were in a process of going through a divorce but decided towards the end to attempt to keep the family together one more time. This is when I concieved again. At first he was relunctant to keep the baby but agreed not to abort it. Since then I have prepared for the baby (clothes, diapers, childcare arrangements, etc.) By myself. Even my family is helping me with my first child until she has to go back to school. At the beginning of the year he finalized the divorce and didnt tell me anything. Not even that he wanted to continue the divorce. And then moved in with another woman whom I suspect he was cheating on me with. And he told me he does not want anything to do with the second baby, he will only be a father to the first. I can go on and on but I dont want to overwhelm this letter. He says the only way he will participate with the unborn child is if I get a paternity test and put him on child support. This is devestating because we both grew up without our biological fathers. We will survive without him but I wasnt expecting for my unborn child to not have his father. I really messed up, what should I do?"

Raz
Raz

A friend of a friend of mine who shall remain nameless because she's a well known person had this to say about marriage, when asked if she would ever 'tie the knot"

"Why should I fuk up my life with marriage! I've got my life set just the way I want it. I travel all over the world, I have money to do what I want when I want. I own my homes and cars... I don't want kids. I have nieces and nephews to spoil. I don't relish having sex with the same dyck night after night for the rest of my life either. I most certainly don't want to deal with washing some jigga's laundry worrying about his meals, and if he's healthy and taking care of his azz. I certainly ain't having no jigga roost off my hard earned money either."

She continued by saying:

"Nope I don't want to be somebody's wife/nursemaid/cook/housekeeper. None of that is worth marriage to me. I just take my sausage when I want it don't need to buy the whole pig. I'm a serial monogamist. I'm into the dude for as long as it lasts, then it's off to another dude when I'm ready. My life is lived on 'MY TERMS'. I get to keep what's mine and not have to worry about him taking my shyt. So nope marriage is outdated. Women don't need to marry to get what they want out of a man these days especially women in my position.

If I get sick, I have a wide network of friends to take care of me, some of whom are doctors and nurses and they do a far better job than some guy would who probably would be pretty useless. I can't be tied down with marriage. I likes my freedom too much and I like hogging my whole California king sized bed all night. No wet spot."

coptic777
coptic777

Oh by the way you complain on the internet that was invented by what a man? You work in offices oh thats right built by men. You drive on roads built again by men yet you all think you can do w/ out us. Do you ever hear men saying "we dont need women?"

How stupid you all are not to realize that w/ out us you women would die!!! Complain about yet get all the privileges that men built for you. It really shows that women really black women can not think past themselves or 5 min ahead of themselves. Amazing.

Cynthia
Cynthia

lol at Brooklynight a lot of people think that because I grew up around AA women and some my best friends are AA women. I would spend every weekend at one of my AA gf's home. I At first my parents didn't like it until they got to meet and know my AA friends and their families. Like the white woman poster, I know the lingo and can get as 'real' as any like Kimora Lee. I wish I was an AA woman. They have the best figures on the planet. I was asking my hubby the other day about butt implants lol. He looked at me as if I'd lost my mind.

Cynthia
Cynthia

That fool dmv is not married, who does he think he's kidding? My hubby is out playing golf all day. Sunday's is his golf day and my 'time'. If he has this wife and child/children he's supposedly so devoted to why is he using 'quality time' on a blog for women? Shouldn't he be with his family?
If he's the example of the black men in America, then no wonder AA women don't have much to choose from when it comes to husbands. I say do like my AA friends did, date 'other'. They are out there and find AA women attractive. But only marry if it's what you want. Marriage is work! my hubby with all he has going for him, sometimes get's a bit intense. I'm glad he has his Sundays to play golf.

Deborrah
Deborrah

As poster DMV had nothing positive to add to the discussion, his comments have been deleted. One thing that Black women really don't need is yet another fool that has nothing to share but put downs and negativity. As a man who claims to be happily married, he should be off enjoying his non-Black bride and non-Black children, not posting on a website which focuses on the needs of SINGLE adults.

Thank you all for your patience with the little troll. :)

Cynthia
Cynthia

dmv
You're a black guy who's taking it up the azz (real men don't to come onto a woman's site all of the time and talk about what they claim is happening in their married lives. You're probably not even married as I doubt any woman traditional or otherwise would have you. I know down low when I run across them.
Any guy that frequents a woman's blog, and has time to talk about an article written by a woman for women is gay.

This is something gay guys do. A lot of gay guys tend to dislike women and often have negative things to say about women. (mostly because they're jealous of something that woman has. I'm around them all the time out here in Cali. I interact with them, I know their habits. You are gay so get over it. Either that or you're misogynistic when it comes to women as evidenced by the criteria you 'chose your traditional wife' and your negative comments towards any woman who 'you judge' to not be traditional.

Rather than doing something 'guy like' you've got time to come on this blog as soon as I post something. lol. What does that say about you. You don't see me on some blog about guys like you? I could care less about what 'random guys think and do on 'their blog'. Why are you on here and what do you care? If your life is so great, then why feel the need to come here and defend it? Just live it. Deborrah is writing this article telling women not to settle for guys just like you.
I'm not worried, my friends and I were already one step ahead. We were never were attracted to fukkers like you anyway so I'm glad she is telling women to think twice. Unless a guy has it going on and will treat his woman like a QUEEN, (not like you who expect a woman to do all those all those things Penny posted, ) He is not worth marrying.

I'm treated like a Queen as are my gf's, as all American women should be. Guys like you can go take it up the azz. And stay off these women's blogs.

Cynthia
Cynthia

dmv who gives a fuk what you think, you are your trifling family. You act you're some kind of god or something. You act as though 'you're the one who turned down American women to go out of the country to get a 'traditional woman'. Hahaha.

We know the real deal. American women, black/white/italian/other, whatever don't want your azz! Anybody who doesn't go along with your thinking or what you want, you put them down. I feel sorry for your wife because she's only as useful to you as long as she tows 'your; line'. You didn't pick her because you love her, you picked her because she was someone you can dominate. She'll never have a voice or be allowed to be independent. So of course you'd have to go out of the country to marry some woman who is desperate to come to the states to live. She didn't pick you because she loved you either. She wanted to be an American. So both of youall got something out of it and it's not built on anything healthy. Just two people coming together based on exploiting something the other one had. You came together out of what you both could 'get from the other not out of what you could give. So get the fuk out of here trying to make it seem as if you're all of that and that loads of American women were trying to get with you.

If anything it was the other way around. Hahaha

I along with 7 of my gfs went to an accelerated high school. 2 of my gfs are asian/black 1 is Ethiopian descent. The other 4 are AA girls. We are all beautiful & smart! Someone if you saw us, you'd want us but you know you couldn't. There weren't a lot of black guys in that high school, and the few that got in were total nerds who had no idea how to talk to girls. All of us dated white guys. 4 of us are married 1 engaged, the other in a LTR.

We all went to college, two got accepted in Ivy leagues, but we all decided to stay in Cali to go to school. Stanford, UC Davis, UCLA and Southern Cal. We all do quite well ourselves. We all get together and go to Hawaii every year for our 'girl time'. paid for by our hubby's. :) We were all in each other's weddings.

None of us would date a black guy because in America black guys just don't measure up to American women standards. They've fallen behind so it's no wonder they go outside the country to find someone desperate enough to want to come over here, to marry them. That's one step away from 'mail order bride. So I wouldn't brag about that if I were you.

My hubby does very, very well in Silicon Valley. That list Penny Lee posted, I laugh because I don't do those things unless I want to. We have a housekeeper and a chef who comes 3 days a week (A buddy of my hubby's who owns his own restaurant, but likes to experiment at our house, so we pay him, and he get's to try out his new ideas on us first). It works out. (i don't have kids yet we've only been married 1.5 years and both want to wait a bit. My hubby didn't marry me for me to 'serve him' or be his maid or be 'traditional.

All of my gf's had no trouble getting men! Their hubby's were lucky to get them. So stop bragging as if your wife got some sort of prize. All she got was a booby prize. Some pitiful guy who had to leave the Big U.S. to go get him a 'traditional wife'. A little puppet on a string who lives to serve him.
The minute she grows a backbone and learns to think for herself, she'll either leave you or you'll kick her out because you can't handle that.

Who'd want a weak minded spineless guy who thinks like you regardless of his race. A guy who only feels powerful by subjugating those who he feels is weaker than he is. You probably suck in bed too. Another reason guys go get naiive women who don't know any better.

So stop bragging the more you talk, the more you show how lucky American women are to have dodged that bullet. You are a complete fuking loser and an azz and your 'traditional wife and baby are welcome to you.' Any pluueeze, your so called 'traditional wife' would probably give her own 'eyes to look like Lucy Lu and have what she has rather than to be with someone like you. You probably lusts after lucy lu yourself. So stop it.

BTW, I'm loving Deborrah's blog. Someone sent me this link from FB. What a woman! She really knows how to keep it real for all women. Not sure why black guys are on here reading a blog written by a woman for women (maybe they are gay). I mean my guy wouldn't be on here reading this stuff. He would be doing to many 'guy' things and too busy being a MAN'. Rather than coming on to a 'woman's blog defending his so-called- way of thinking. Like women who read Deborrah's blog really gives a shyt.

Cynthia
Cynthia

dmv
You dumb fuk,
I am asian American I don't know what fool woman was desperate enuff to marry you. My hubby takes care of me every day not just on Mother's day. Your wife is a fool to have chosen the likes of you. It's sad that your wife has 'bred' more of your kind, you should be put down because you are unleashing more mini yous into the world.
Not all asian women would want some dumb fuk like you!

Cynthia
Cynthia

dmv
You're an azz you and those other fools that post here. That mother's day BS is a crock and any woman unfortunate to have married you, I feel sorry for her. For all her work she has to deal with you get her champagne and lobster like that's something special. Pluueeze. She should go on an all expensive paid trip for a week with her and 'her girls'. You don't need to be anywhere near. While on said trip, I hope she meets a foine azz dude who will fuk her brains out and let her know what she is missing! lol

Penny Lee Sihoe
Penny Lee Sihoe

I am a parent, wife, cook, housekeeper, teacher, nurse, handy man, maid, security coordinator, supervisor, manager, secretary, nutritionist, caretaker, personal assistant, life coach, bookkeeper, laundry maid, taxi driver, and motivational speaker. I don't get holiday pay, sick pay, or days off. I am on call 24..hrs a ...day, 7 days a week. Now tell me YOUR job is harder than mine. Post this if you're a MOM....AMEN!!

Deborrah
Deborrah

Because its my site. I pay the bills on this beyatch and I set the rules. I decide what is a flame or not and what violates the boundaries of decency. Not you.

Deborrah
Deborrah

No comments have been deleted. As I said, a backup was used to restore the server and any new content not included in yesterday's backup was unfortunately lost. If you can remember what you said, feel free to repost it. But don't automatically ASSume that I delete things. I don't delete anything unless it violates the boundaries of decency or is a flame.

brooklynight
brooklynight

@ Deborah, the feelings mutual. It would be rather foolish to marry a woman who won't take her husbands last name.

Raz
Raz

Brooklynight, and DMV, Single black fool, and any other trifling brothas with the trifling comments be gone. I've already told you where to go to school, so go visit Sdot's blog show. Grow up get some sense 'Man up' and stop coming onto the blog talking about 'what women ought to do when it's so obivious that all three of you knuckleheads are trifling to the extreme. BE GONE!

Mister Black Fool
Mister Black Fool

Young Men - remember:

NO Single Moms

NO Fat Chicks

NO Entitlement Feminists

NO Attention Whores or Drama Queens

NO "Ankles"

Marry traditional/foreign women only.

And give today's "strong, independent" black woman the husband she deserves - NONE!!!

--- Yes, let those foreign women (too dumb to know any different and desperate to come to the U.S. by any means necessary) be your slaves and servants. Black women are too intelligent to be bothered with your fonky attitude and know that marrying you is a nightmare, not a dream.

Deborrah

Raz
Raz

What I don't get is why the same old trifling whiny brothas follow Deborrah around but these same dudes don't go to any sites that teach men how to be good husbands to their women. Yet they follow Deborrah faithfully like little puppies from her blogtalk shows to her blogs, to whatever she writes, they turn out in droves lol. Yet not one of them turn up for shows, telling them how to 'man up. Like Sdot's show Manup. But they are all over Deb trying to tell her what to do.

Seems like to me, why bother obviously they aren't making a difference and she's not going to back down or 'submit' to their way of thinking so why do they keep wasting their time and energy? Why go somewhere with a different mindset than you have?

Why not go to a traditional type of show or blog that caters to how these dudes think rather than come where they aren't wanted? What's up with that?

If I like R&B, Neo Soul, Old School music, what the heck am I doing continuing to visit a country& western music station or heavy metal? What is the enjoyment I'm getting out of that? What's in it for me?

This is the same things these dudes are doing. the same thing.These dudes coming on Deb's blog,why don't they go check out this brotha, who is what I would call a REAL man and not some punk knucklehead always whining about how women ought to behave when they don't put 2 seconds into thinking about how they should 'man up and behave.

Just as Deborrah is empowering women to make smarter choices and think for themselves in 2010 in terms of relationships, you dudes should check out this MAN, who is doing the same for brothas, especially his 'When men become Men' episode' http://www.blogtalkradio.com/thesdotfiles

Stop running behind what Deborrah writes for women, about women. You're not her primary audience. Instead use your time and energy into becoming "Men' instead of whining like little boys and concentrating on how you think 'women should' be in order to fit 'your ideal'. Worry about how you are and how 'you should be as a Man'. You got a brotha Sdot out there teaching you. He's has a show coming up May 2nd 6 pm 'When Men Become Men' The BOOTY Call Show episode 65' Now here is a MAN with a show for brothas about brothas. This is your classroom. Now go to class and learn!

Raz
Raz

DMV,
"You black ladies want to run this “I’m strong and independent” game – fine. Just don’t act surprised when you realize no black man with anything going for himself wants to marry you."

That's great because you are doing black women a favor, they don't want tired 'traditonal thinking men like you anyway. What is the fun in that? Who wants to be married to some dude who wants to be 'head of household ' and runs his marriage like a Massa at a slave plantation. I can name many of my asian, hispanic friends (and I have a few) who have broken up with just such type of men because they are tired of that crap. They may go into it happy but a few years down the road, they see the deal and they are miserable with their 'traditional' men and they want out.

See you guys talk about 'getting married' but none of you want to explore what goes into the work a woman does day in and day out and what she puts up with a man to stay married to him. Remember that Lorena Bobbit , the Equadorian ladyfamous for cutting off her hubby's dyck after she got tired of his shyt.

So I wish all of you guys would marry other women, and prevent dudes like you from inflicting yourselves on black women. Just as you can marry 'other' black women can 'date' and be with 'other too'. Don't think just because you don't see it, this ain't happening.

Dudes need to stop thinking that other women are marrying them in droves too. lol. Y'all act like women of other ethnicities are running to you guys with their tongues hanging out panting to marry you in droves. Most times if they are in other countries it's prolly cause they aren't 'empowered in themselves, or they want to come over here to another country and use marriage to do it.
I know a lot of brothas in the military taking care of their Asian wives and 10 other folks in their marriages, while they are stepping out with other women because they feel so bogged down.

So Hooray DMV, thank you for marrying other women, You and traditional thinking dudes like did black women a favor! Any day of the week a sistah can get a 'dude' she is just choosy about what type of dude she wants to get, and a sistah doesn't have to marry some dude to get her needs met especially her sexual needs and her need for companionship. She gets what she wants, then goes about her business, traveling enjoying life.

Those sistahs who you cllaim are whining because they are lonely for a man to marry them, well I hope they read Deborrah's article. Women have been brainwashed by men (society at large) and society was initially set up this way, for a woman to define her 'womanhood by being married and becoming a mother.
Well that was then this is now and not all women are realizing that they don't have to feel 'less of a woman' if they choose not to marry or have a baby. But that type of changing of the mind isn't going to happen overnight, but make no mistake whether you dudes like it or not, it is happening as evidienced by the fact that most divorces are initiated by unhappily married women.

Women who get married expecting one thing and a few years later are tired of it and want out! Personally i wouldn't want a brotha with a traditonal thinking attitude, that would totally cramp my style. But luckily for me, I can pick and choose the type of men that 'suit me'. And not have to bend myself to fit in with what some tradtional dude wants me to be. And life is fun!
Let the 'women of other ethnicities have at you dudes. More power to them. Cuz I certainly don't want you.

Raz
Raz

Brooklynight, be done then brotha, like most men you don't want to exchange conversation and information with women, you just want them to agree with what you said, just because you're a dude and said it. Too often dudes in their expectation for women to hang onto their every word, feel this entitlement that women should 'heed what they say' as though men are the final authority on everything.

As for your posting stats, I'm not talking about 'your stats, I'm talking about stats that reflect marriage/divorce rates in western civilization. I'm talking about learned research scholarly material that has been studied by behavioral social scientists and documented in journals such as the journal of marriage and family.

This data takes in a large grouping of data from a much larger groups of family and studies trends across the board, the world. Most dudes like you don't go into that depth of research and fact finding
You just take what what you've seen with your eyes and your own experiences, and anecdotal incidents and apply this to the whole world as though it's gospel. It's just as I thought you don't read and have no idea about how data is researched studied and put out there.

You take the handful of incidents that you know, the women that you've heard, what you've seen on TV and that is the basis of your knowledge (rolls eyes). Give me a break.
We all know that TV is run by powerful media with money, (And telling sistahs to 'make their voice' be heard, well we are doing just that. Deborrah is doing just that on 'her blog' she is starting a movement making her voice heard. And you are hearing it and not liking. Sometimes things start at the grass roots level and grow. (Historically speaking that is how a lot of revolutionary change begins.

Not everyone has Oprah Winfrey money, but again since you're only going by what the 'media' has lead you to believe' and probably not in tune with a lot of women's talk shows that empower women and bring concepts to light on radio stations, blogs and other outlets using the internet and radios, you wouldn't know that. Again Brooklyn you are using 'your interactions' and what you've experienced and assuming it applies to everyone else.
Talk what you know and stop assuming 'what you don't know doesn't exist just because you haven't experienced. Accept that your experience and knowledge on subject matter you haven't done extensive exploring and research on is something you simply don't know about.

Lastly, communicating with you and responding to your post is 'not a rant'. Again the man trying to put a woman down to make himself feel good' when she stands up and answers him back.
If you don't want to be responded to, then get off the blog and be done like you said. Why come on here anyway you aren't adding anything to the conversation. Just whining because you don't like the article.
Then again many men wouldn't and it's interesting why. They know that once women see through what the deal is about marriage and the 'wifework: involved, they will be assed out in the cold.

brooklynight
brooklynight

BTW, I do read, I often find when I do post statistics that many people do not like or agree with, they go off on the deep end, like you. I'm done.

brooklynight
brooklynight

If you have such a problem with what is going on, go to the media and be louder and let your voice be known.

brooklynight
brooklynight

No, I go by what I see in real life day to day interactions with human beings. I no too many women in real life who go on and on about how they need a man. I understand white women have high divorce rates. Where in my post did I indicate that I did not? I did not mean to stir up a rant.

Raz
Raz

@brooklynight, 'The media uses propaganda to perpetuate and influence the masses to further their own agendas. Did you know that white southern women have the highest divorce rate in the nation?
You sound like a dude who doesn't fact find for himself, doesn't pick up scholarly journals, but simply go by what they 'see on tv'. What media says.
Well it's typical of black folks. Most of 'us' don't read. Some one once said if you have money in the house and want to hide it, put it in between the folds of a book because black folks who might break in that will be the last place they'll look.
Don't be so quick to buy into the hype. In the last 3 years there have been numerous networks jumping on the 'Oh woe is me educated black women can't catch a man 'wagon'.
Brothas are loving this because it builds them up while at the same time putting black professional women of today down.
Yet these same networks don't broadcast any shows that delve into the marital state and the quality of marriages of nonblack women. Look at that and realize the attack on black women who have made strides in education/career/finances and see how the media is attempting to deflect from their success and send out the message to black women that brothas are too obtuse to see. 'That no matter how successful you are, you are 'less than because you aren't a wife'.
But this message isn't given to nonblack women.
The 'media' should be the last source you 'believe. Just because it's on TV doesn't mean it hasn't been packaged up and sold to viewers to consume like the poisoned 'kool-aide that it is. Hopefully once sistahs start catching on to what the media is actually doing and the message it is sending out to young impressionable black girls, they'll stop allowing themselves to be used as 'tools'on TV to further the attack on black women of today.

brooklynight
brooklynight

So why do black women run to the media so much complaining about being married, when in reality they don't want to? Somebody's lying.

Raz
Raz

Trifling brothas and trifling post. What you dues fail to realize is that marriage in the traditional sense is DEAD! This is 2010. Women once married because they 'HAD to. 30 to 40 years ago women didn't have many employment options. They went from Daddy's house to hubby's house. They married because they didn't have many options from teenager to womanhood. Also women had little control over their fertility.

Barefoot and preggers was the life that many women lead because before the invention of the pill (which was invented by men), women got pregnant. Men invented the pill as a way to free them from the responsibility of fathering children when they just wanted to sex up mulitple women without marrying them. Lot's of research went into how a woman's fertility could be regulated and free men to have sex with her without procreation.

Well Tada! Men succeeded but what they didn't anticipate was that by allowing women to control their fertility, women were also empowered to be more than 'breeders'.
No longer did women have to hang their head in shame because they were going to be preggers with children. Women also got to experience sexual freedom without babies too. With that women didn't spend all their lives having baby after baby the way their grandmothers and great grandmothers did. Women could then do 'other things with their lives besides being 'wife and mother'. With the legalization of abortion, this empowered women even more!
With all of this empowerment, traditonal marriage as men know it, (which is really built on a woman being less empowered and dependent on men) the foundations of traditional marriage began to crumble.
We live in a day and time when no longer do women need men to have babies, raise a family or even take care of them and more and more women are realizing this. Men are scrambling around trying to figure out their place with women in 2010 and still trying to figure out how traditional marriage fits. Evidence points out that it doesn't as evidenced by the high divorce rates which crosses racial/socio economic lines.

So men coming on this blog and spouting negative talk about women's behavior as if that is the reason they are shunning marriage, are just fooling themselves. Plenty of older women (if they had the opportunities women have today) would probably shun it too.@Monica
I have to say I watched a young teenaged hispanic couple the other day. The dude who was knee high to a gnat, kept grabbing the girl's face and it was sort of rough. in his handling her. She was embarrassed and she kept putting her head down as if she was embarrassed and wanted to tell this dude to stop grabbing her face like that but she was scared. I believe you when you say dudes get these young girls because they know they can dominate them ultimately abuse them.

Dudes who buy into that 'women must submit before a man' are dangerous dudes for a woman to tie herself with. Ultimately these are the very dudes that end up physically abusing women. I wouldn't want to be with a dude who wanted me to submit so he could dominate. That's not a healthy relationship and far too many black men buy into this type of thinking. But that is traditional marriage thinking, back when women had no rights at all and women and children were thought to be chattel/property owned by their husbands.

What most men fail to realize is that up until nearly the 20th century if not the 20th century women had very little legal protection/rights. Men ruled and had the say so over his household. Well that 'ish' has changed and in the blink of an eye (evolutionarily speaking) the social construct/dynamic of marriage and family structure has changed, and men can't handle this change. They may as well handle it, because like any revolution, things aren't going back to 'tradition.
Not unless these dudes want to turn Morman.

Deborrah
Deborrah

DMV, you are stupid and your thinking straight out of 1612, just like I said. Why should a woman take your last name? She has a perfectly good name already. You keep yours don't you when you get married? So why would a woman have to lose hers and take yours? Male privilege.

Respect the man as head of the household? You don't want to do squat to make your presence known. You sit on the couch, remember? Your wife does everything else. Please tell me where you have earned the privilege of being head of anything but the Remote Control.

Won't smile? What is there to smile about? You are a sourpuss and arrogant prick. No woman in her right mind would smile at your ass.

Won't lose weight? WTF is this, a beauty contest? Let's start fixing Black relationships by having men like you lose your funky attitudes when it concerns women needing to be anything to suit you.

Body size does not make a woman a quality wife. It's funny how you guys get upset when a woman wants a man that has college degrees and makes a certain about of income, but when it comes to women you go right back to the shallow basics and focus on nothing but looks.

To think you are walking around presenting yourself as a man is shocking. I see you as nothing but an embarrassment to the Black race.

brooklynight
brooklynight

@Pat ,I love meeting the white liberal women who try to insist on how black men should raise their sons. You all give me something to laugh about.

Payyourownway$$$$$
Payyourownway$$$$$

Black women not wanting to submit to men in marriage is not a surprise to me at all, its the reason why black men like myself won't even consider marriage .
Many of us who witnessed our fathers going through divorces are quite aware of what women think of marriage .
It might surprise you but many men find marriage just as oppressive as you do, if not more .

If women rather do it alone, and raise children alone, I don't have a problem with that as long as I don't have to pay for your independence through child support or taxation .

What exactly do black women have to offer a man anyway ?

Attitude ?
Debt ?
Bastard kids ?
Std's ?

You women can claim that you are the ones who are shunning marriage but we know better .

Pat
Pat

Ooooh another one who doesn't get it. Theone, put that crack pipe down. It's got you all messed you up. Is this an example of a bad attitude or bad spelling? Is theone a name or do you think you are the one? Silly egotistical names don't make the man, sorry.

I agree with Don. Marriage doesn't work for selfish people. There are so many self centered people nowadays, therefore marriages not working.

theone
theone

it is interesting now that many women are convincing themselves that they never wanted or should of wanted something they would not be able to get....its the "you aint ish anyway fool" syndrome......

if the author met a dude who made her gina tingle and knocked her off her feet this article would be null and void....

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