Cons of Marriage – Why Women Should Not Get Married

I'm separated, and I have to say...I read this article at least once a week just to "gas up".

I got married young. I really didn't know myself and I had little or no expectations from my husband, even though he had a lot of expectations of me. I can honestly say that when (and if) I do get married again, its gonna be all about me; what I want, what I think, what I need.

Too many women start compromising before marriage. If marriage is so wonderful and exciting and fulfilling, why is it such "hard work"?

You need help. Reading this article makes me think of the bitter black women like yourself who wishes suffering on anybody who is happy in a relationship. I am praying for you God be with you.

It is amazing how, although there are so many different types of Black women with different backgrounds and personalities, we are always put in a negative category.

I read this article once a month just for fuel. Blessup!

After reading this article, I will say you did a great job. I highly respesct your opinion. Unfortunately, my initial reaction was negative. I took the time to sit and let it sink in before I wrote a comment. Initially, your comments are the exact reason why I won't date a black woman. They seem to angry and self-righteous. I'm a man of mixed race (black/white), and have a brown skin tone. I have one bachelors degree, several professional licenses and certifications in the medical field, and currently I am working on my second bachelors, and will obtain my graduate afterwards, so as you can see I am educated and accomplished.
I have no problem attracting black women, unfortunately, I only attract ghetto hoodrat, 2+ kid having, no job, poor grammar, overweight, uneducated black women. I won't date those kind of women. I find many black women attractive, but in my experiences in my 30+ years of living, every well-educated, accomplished, intelligent to my standards (knows how to carry on a relevant conversation with proper grammar) still thinks that any "brutha" is below them, and won't give them the time of day unless they look like Taye Diggs or Morris Chestnut, drive a BMW, and live in a condo while pulling in 6-figures. So if I went after say a Vivica A. Fox, she wouldn't look my way, and I'd be stuck with a Mo'Nique (sorry, she may be accomplished, but is the least attractive to me, and supports the stereotypes of ghetto sista with her yelling and character portrayals)
So when people say that black women as you described, have high standards, I have to agree. I have no problem obtaining a woman of a different race of the same "level" as these educated and prosperous black women, and they rarely have these "holier-than-thou" attitudes. My both of my sisters, beautiful, educated and mixed like myself of course, says it's because many accomplished black women are afraid of losing all they have worked so hard for if they end up with a black man, due to their own irrational fear caused by the stereotype.
Everytime I hear my black female friends complain about a "brutha" they talked to or dated, they act and talk like he wasn't good enough, and they deserve better, when in truth, they go after thugs. Just like when a white chick goes after the bad boy jeresy shore (shudder) type, black women go for the lil wayne, lil john, lil turd whatever type, and then complain about it later, and blame the good black men for not being there. Let me tell you this. I see a woman with that type of guy, or digging that type of guy, she is not my type of woman, period! It shows me she may be accomplished, but only wants lesser out of a man. I tell my friends this, and they agree with me in my own opinions, and don't blame me for not dating black women. They even tell their girlfriend's who ask about me the same, that I won't date a black woman unless she is at my level (sound familiar)
Overall though, great article, I resepct your opinion, but i feel if some black women wouldn't think and feel that any black man will bring them down just by dating or marriage, then they need not to be dating or get married to a black man, and not complain about it.

Ms. Cooper,

I am concluding from this article that you are not married and do not ever plan to get married. Is that true? A pure matter of curiosity, I am not trying to start anything with you (lol)!

I thoroughly enjoyed the article. I am a single AA female in Chicago. A couple's city if I've ever seen one. But I'm proud to say that marriage is not my aspiration. Happiness in all things in what I aspire to. I am proud of being taught to be strong, stand on my own feet, and make ways were there were none. It is my heritage. It is a shame that I cannot find someone similarly equipped, but it's a testiment to the changes coming. I know that young girls are being taught not to settle because my mother didn't settle and neither do I. It is such a foreign concept to me.

Ladies keep achieving, keep focusing, and know that the world does not dictate your life--you have to decide that for yourself. We can be happy without the benefit of a man in our lives. It is what men have been doing for years--George Clooney. I will be a serial bachelorette--love 'em and leave 'em. I'm young, smart, and capable. The world is my buffet and honey, I'm sampling!!!

ma'am i support you ideals for equality of the sexes but your approach will destroy the black family and subsequent generations. No one is oppressing you now. Children operate the best in healthly families ideally with a mother AND father. If that's not possible God will do the rest, however to forgo marriage means a life of abstinence, or a life filled with broken dreams promises and heartache. please dont believe the 'myth' of the being in immorality as the way to freedom. How many girls are in some kind of sexual bondage that's not freedom, but slavery. Sorry. immorality is never the answer. AIDS can occur from tragedy, but many times it is a result of casting of God's perfect law of marriage. you are contributing to the breakdown of the family and healthly society. You are sadly mistaken. Learn how to follow and then you learn how to lead.

Awesome!!!!!

I am not what would be considered a submissive woman, but I do know how to let a man be a man. This is where many women, but especially black women fall short. I believe in the instituition of marriage so much that my company has begun a series of books. In the series the authors tell how they kept the autonomy in their marriages, continued their education, raised their children and leaned on their Higher Power to make it through many of the rough times.

No, marriage is not for everyone, but anyone considering bringing children in this world should consider marriage. It is so easy to criticize when hard work is involved. Marriage is a journey. I have been with the same man for 25 years. It has been the hardest, most fulflling experience I have ever had.

Although my husband has not been the best husband, it turns out he was just right for me. Being hard to love, I had to learn how to love him and in that process I became the woman I wanted to be. I am strong, confident, independent, and loved. I know what it is like to see love in the eyes of a man who is grateful I didn't kick him to the curb when I should have. I didn't lock him out of my heart when I could have and I didn't divorce him when others would have. It is my opinion many black women are not marriageable.

The word marriage means to enter into agreement. Tell me, as a black woman, how many people do you agree with? How agreeable are you with yourself? So many of us are conflicted by our own thoughts and feelings, until we are not mentally capable of really assessing others.

We need to stop bashing each other and recognize that men/women are like undiscovered terrritory. If you think of marriage as an expedition, you'll be more inclined to recognize that treasures are uncovered along the way, but you have to be committed to the process. Being successful at marriage takes time. It is not easy and most definitely no for those looking for an escapegoat. Listen, unless a man is beating you, or verbally abusive to you, there is little reason to get a divorce or not to marry (if you plan to have children). Children need both parents. I'd my child be exposed to the natural parents toxic ways, than to consistently introduce strangers to them because I am able to handle what I claimed I wanted in the first place. We are all at fault.

This is a microwave society. A "let somebody else do it" generation. Where are the people who are willing to fight the good fight? Do what is right because it is the right thing to do? Where are the people who know that anything worth having is worth working for and sticking to it until the job is done.

Marriage is wonderful, even when it seems bad sometimes. Black girls are not taught they should take care of everything, they are forced to do so because their single mothers could not get themselves together enough to figure out what they really want from and man and seek.

Out of loneliness and disparation, they continuously make bad choices, then blame it on the man because he ain't right. We need to stop that craziness and accept responsibility for ourselves.

How ironic,I have been married for over 15 years,but I still advise guys to think twice about it,because I know women get more out of it than men do.Once again ,I hear all the exaggerations.What man in 2010 does not cook,clean wash his daughters hair and even take the children on vacation and let the wife relax at home?You people are some real losers and you know some real losers.You are who you attract.Most guys would love to get all that free milk without having to buy the cow.But real men are taught to marry a women before you have children.I keep hearing about all these Color Purple relationships.If men are this bad ,I think yall should just date and marry other women.You already got the lesbian mindset and spirit.Do your thang.If brothers are so disgusting and all, why on earth would you want anything to do with them?Oh,I get it,you don't like men ,you like dick.Those strap ons and dildos just want do.Talking about pussy whipped,give a Black woman a good thigh ride and make her cum and this fool will allow some no good thug to get away with anything.We joke about it all the time.I know this idiot that works every day,while her no count,non working baby daddy is at home sleep.If that mickey fickey could not sling pipe,he would be out on his azz.Show me a woman that is being mistreated by a guy,he is more than likely ringing that bell.You don't like Black men but you need them to validate your own miserable existence.I smell some rug lickers in the house.You can't get married so you try trash it,wow!I suggest yall try some hormone replacement treatment.Black women don't fair too well mentally when they don't have a man in their life to add balance and to give them the big O.I have noticed some of the most mellow older Black women when they have a husband.And I have noticed that the ones that don't have a husband are as crazy as bat shit after 40.They are hateful as gut shot grizzles.I did not read this,I have observed this over the last 30 years.These same man haters that poo poo marriage,are the same ones that bitch and moan when brothers say they don't want to get married or have children.You really lose your ficking mind when their are no brothers around to blame your unhappiness and bad choice making on.Case in point is old Whitney Houston.Bobby was no where near Europe when she started being Whitney and doing Whitney thongs.That 's the problem with blaming others for your own screw ups,when you run them off,everybody then sees it was you all along.Real Black men can cook clean and do for themselves.Too many of you people look good in the streets but you live in a pig sty and you can't boil water.Stop pretending that yall are Suzy Home makers A lot of you even get nervous and start thinking your man is a punk if he does cook clean and all.You know you are not worthy of such a good man,so he must be gay or something.You like drama so you can play " my drama is bigger than your drama" , with the girls.Marriage is a journey, not a destination.I never try to convince brothers to get married,because you can get a maid,a cook ,etc. buy pussy and still come out ahead financially and without all the nagging,bitching and all.More than likely a man's mother has brain dirtied him into thinking that he has to be married and have children to be a man.Not so.

I've been there done that....and I think marriage ain't all it's cracked up to be. I also think women lose more of themselves to the marriage and women tend to give up and in - much more than men. Women tend to put forth more effort to make the marriage work and I have a problem with that.

Now would I rather be married? ONLY, if he was perfectly made for me and how hard is that to find? I don't have a submissive personality, which I think works for a lotta marriages, if the woman is more under the control of the man.....and I have issues with that scenario. The fact that I was so young the first time and the fact that I'm not a submissive woman.....just made the marriage a struggle.

I believe in giving as good as I get, if I'm bending over backwards to keep the marriage pliable.....then he should be bending as well.....I just think a lotta men don't think they have to put as much effort in sustaining the marriage. That makes marriage way too much work and I don't want to do it.

This is a 'strawberry letter' that came from Steve Harvey's website'. See below: And steve harvey who himself has been married numerous times and has kids all over the place is a relationship guru? I don't get it. And men wonder why women are questioning the wisdom of marriage? Look at the trifling shyt women go through when they are married?
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"Hello Steve and the Crew. I am currently a 22 year old college student. I have a 2 year old and I am pregnant with my second child. I am still in a good position to finish college even with the second baby. Although I work part time and go to school full time. My childrens father and I were married for almost 5 years. Last year we were in a process of going through a divorce but decided towards the end to attempt to keep the family together one more time. This is when I concieved again. At first he was relunctant to keep the baby but agreed not to abort it. Since then I have prepared for the baby (clothes, diapers, childcare arrangements, etc.) By myself. Even my family is helping me with my first child until she has to go back to school. At the beginning of the year he finalized the divorce and didnt tell me anything. Not even that he wanted to continue the divorce. And then moved in with another woman whom I suspect he was cheating on me with. And he told me he does not want anything to do with the second baby, he will only be a father to the first. I can go on and on but I dont want to overwhelm this letter. He says the only way he will participate with the unborn child is if I get a paternity test and put him on child support. This is devestating because we both grew up without our biological fathers. We will survive without him but I wasnt expecting for my unborn child to not have his father. I really messed up, what should I do?"

A friend of a friend of mine who shall remain nameless because she's a well known person had this to say about marriage, when asked if she would ever 'tie the knot"

"Why should I fuk up my life with marriage! I've got my life set just the way I want it. I travel all over the world, I have money to do what I want when I want. I own my homes and cars... I don't want kids. I have nieces and nephews to spoil. I don't relish having sex with the same dyck night after night for the rest of my life either. I most certainly don't want to deal with washing some jigga's laundry worrying about his meals, and if he's healthy and taking care of his azz. I certainly ain't having no jigga roost off my hard earned money either."

She continued by saying:

"Nope I don't want to be somebody's wife/nursemaid/cook/housekeeper. None of that is worth marriage to me. I just take my sausage when I want it don't need to buy the whole pig. I'm a serial monogamist. I'm into the dude for as long as it lasts, then it's off to another dude when I'm ready. My life is lived on 'MY TERMS'. I get to keep what's mine and not have to worry about him taking my shyt. So nope marriage is outdated. Women don't need to marry to get what they want out of a man these days especially women in my position.

If I get sick, I have a wide network of friends to take care of me, some of whom are doctors and nurses and they do a far better job than some guy would who probably would be pretty useless. I can't be tied down with marriage. I likes my freedom too much and I like hogging my whole California king sized bed all night. No wet spot."

Oh by the way you complain on the internet that was invented by what a man? You work in offices oh thats right built by men. You drive on roads built again by men yet you all think you can do w/ out us. Do you ever hear men saying "we dont need women?"

How stupid you all are not to realize that w/ out us you women would die!!! Complain about yet get all the privileges that men built for you. It really shows that women really black women can not think past themselves or 5 min ahead of themselves. Amazing.

lol at Brooklynight a lot of people think that because I grew up around AA women and some my best friends are AA women. I would spend every weekend at one of my AA gf's home. I At first my parents didn't like it until they got to meet and know my AA friends and their families. Like the white woman poster, I know the lingo and can get as 'real' as any like Kimora Lee. I wish I was an AA woman. They have the best figures on the planet. I was asking my hubby the other day about butt implants lol. He looked at me as if I'd lost my mind.

I think Cynthia is African American.

That fool dmv is not married, who does he think he's kidding? My hubby is out playing golf all day. Sunday's is his golf day and my 'time'. If he has this wife and child/children he's supposedly so devoted to why is he using 'quality time' on a blog for women? Shouldn't he be with his family?
If he's the example of the black men in America, then no wonder AA women don't have much to choose from when it comes to husbands. I say do like my AA friends did, date 'other'. They are out there and find AA women attractive. But only marry if it's what you want. Marriage is work! my hubby with all he has going for him, sometimes get's a bit intense. I'm glad he has his Sundays to play golf.

As poster DMV had nothing positive to add to the discussion, his comments have been deleted. One thing that Black women really don't need is yet another fool that has nothing to share but put downs and negativity. As a man who claims to be happily married, he should be off enjoying his non-Black bride and non-Black children, not posting on a website which focuses on the needs of SINGLE adults.

Thank you all for your patience with the little troll. :)

dmv
You're a black guy who's taking it up the azz (real men don't to come onto a woman's site all of the time and talk about what they claim is happening in their married lives. You're probably not even married as I doubt any woman traditional or otherwise would have you. I know down low when I run across them.
Any guy that frequents a woman's blog, and has time to talk about an article written by a woman for women is gay.

This is something gay guys do. A lot of gay guys tend to dislike women and often have negative things to say about women. (mostly because they're jealous of something that woman has. I'm around them all the time out here in Cali. I interact with them, I know their habits. You are gay so get over it. Either that or you're misogynistic when it comes to women as evidenced by the criteria you 'chose your traditional wife' and your negative comments towards any woman who 'you judge' to not be traditional.

Rather than doing something 'guy like' you've got time to come on this blog as soon as I post something. lol. What does that say about you. You don't see me on some blog about guys like you? I could care less about what 'random guys think and do on 'their blog'. Why are you on here and what do you care? If your life is so great, then why feel the need to come here and defend it? Just live it. Deborrah is writing this article telling women not to settle for guys just like you.
I'm not worried, my friends and I were already one step ahead. We were never were attracted to fukkers like you anyway so I'm glad she is telling women to think twice. Unless a guy has it going on and will treat his woman like a QUEEN, (not like you who expect a woman to do all those all those things Penny posted, ) He is not worth marrying.

I'm treated like a Queen as are my gf's, as all American women should be. Guys like you can go take it up the azz. And stay off these women's blogs.

dmv who gives a fuk what you think, you are your trifling family. You act you're some kind of god or something. You act as though 'you're the one who turned down American women to go out of the country to get a 'traditional woman'. Hahaha.

We know the real deal. American women, black/white/italian/other, whatever don't want your azz! Anybody who doesn't go along with your thinking or what you want, you put them down. I feel sorry for your wife because she's only as useful to you as long as she tows 'your; line'. You didn't pick her because you love her, you picked her because she was someone you can dominate. She'll never have a voice or be allowed to be independent. So of course you'd have to go out of the country to marry some woman who is desperate to come to the states to live. She didn't pick you because she loved you either. She wanted to be an American. So both of youall got something out of it and it's not built on anything healthy. Just two people coming together based on exploiting something the other one had. You came together out of what you both could 'get from the other not out of what you could give. So get the fuk out of here trying to make it seem as if you're all of that and that loads of American women were trying to get with you.

If anything it was the other way around. Hahaha

I along with 7 of my gfs went to an accelerated high school. 2 of my gfs are asian/black 1 is Ethiopian descent. The other 4 are AA girls. We are all beautiful & smart! Someone if you saw us, you'd want us but you know you couldn't. There weren't a lot of black guys in that high school, and the few that got in were total nerds who had no idea how to talk to girls. All of us dated white guys. 4 of us are married 1 engaged, the other in a LTR.

We all went to college, two got accepted in Ivy leagues, but we all decided to stay in Cali to go to school. Stanford, UC Davis, UCLA and Southern Cal. We all do quite well ourselves. We all get together and go to Hawaii every year for our 'girl time'. paid for by our hubby's. :) We were all in each other's weddings.

None of us would date a black guy because in America black guys just don't measure up to American women standards. They've fallen behind so it's no wonder they go outside the country to find someone desperate enough to want to come over here, to marry them. That's one step away from 'mail order bride. So I wouldn't brag about that if I were you.

My hubby does very, very well in Silicon Valley. That list Penny Lee posted, I laugh because I don't do those things unless I want to. We have a housekeeper and a chef who comes 3 days a week (A buddy of my hubby's who owns his own restaurant, but likes to experiment at our house, so we pay him, and he get's to try out his new ideas on us first). It works out. (i don't have kids yet we've only been married 1.5 years and both want to wait a bit. My hubby didn't marry me for me to 'serve him' or be his maid or be 'traditional.

All of my gf's had no trouble getting men! Their hubby's were lucky to get them. So stop bragging as if your wife got some sort of prize. All she got was a booby prize. Some pitiful guy who had to leave the Big U.S. to go get him a 'traditional wife'. A little puppet on a string who lives to serve him.
The minute she grows a backbone and learns to think for herself, she'll either leave you or you'll kick her out because you can't handle that.

Who'd want a weak minded spineless guy who thinks like you regardless of his race. A guy who only feels powerful by subjugating those who he feels is weaker than he is. You probably suck in bed too. Another reason guys go get naiive women who don't know any better.

So stop bragging the more you talk, the more you show how lucky American women are to have dodged that bullet. You are a complete fuking loser and an azz and your 'traditional wife and baby are welcome to you.' Any pluueeze, your so called 'traditional wife' would probably give her own 'eyes to look like Lucy Lu and have what she has rather than to be with someone like you. You probably lusts after lucy lu yourself. So stop it.

BTW, I'm loving Deborrah's blog. Someone sent me this link from FB. What a woman! She really knows how to keep it real for all women. Not sure why black guys are on here reading a blog written by a woman for women (maybe they are gay). I mean my guy wouldn't be on here reading this stuff. He would be doing to many 'guy' things and too busy being a MAN'. Rather than coming on to a 'woman's blog defending his so-called- way of thinking. Like women who read Deborrah's blog really gives a shyt.

dmv
You dumb fuk,
I am asian American I don't know what fool woman was desperate enuff to marry you. My hubby takes care of me every day not just on Mother's day. Your wife is a fool to have chosen the likes of you. It's sad that your wife has 'bred' more of your kind, you should be put down because you are unleashing more mini yous into the world.
Not all asian women would want some dumb fuk like you!

dmv
You're an azz you and those other fools that post here. That mother's day BS is a crock and any woman unfortunate to have married you, I feel sorry for her. For all her work she has to deal with you get her champagne and lobster like that's something special. Pluueeze. She should go on an all expensive paid trip for a week with her and 'her girls'. You don't need to be anywhere near. While on said trip, I hope she meets a foine azz dude who will fuk her brains out and let her know what she is missing! lol

I am a parent, wife, cook, housekeeper, teacher, nurse, handy man, maid, security coordinator, supervisor, manager, secretary, nutritionist, caretaker, personal assistant, life coach, bookkeeper, laundry maid, taxi driver, and motivational speaker. I don't get holiday pay, sick pay, or days off. I am on call 24..hrs a ...day, 7 days a week. Now tell me YOUR job is harder than mine. Post this if you're a MOM....AMEN!!

Because its my site. I pay the bills on this beyatch and I set the rules. I decide what is a flame or not and what violates the boundaries of decency. Not you.

No comments have been deleted. As I said, a backup was used to restore the server and any new content not included in yesterday's backup was unfortunately lost. If you can remember what you said, feel free to repost it. But don't automatically ASSume that I delete things. I don't delete anything unless it violates the boundaries of decency or is a flame.

@ Deborah, the feelings mutual. It would be rather foolish to marry a woman who won't take her husbands last name.