Cons of Marriage – Why Women Should Not Get Married

| 04/27/2010 | Comments (87)

For more than a year I’ve watched a variety of media outlets focus on what’s wrong with Black women. We’ve been accused of having the highest incidents of new AIDS cases, being too educated and professional to be chosen as wives, being too obese, to have too many children out of wedlock, and to be the only race of women that our own men don’t want to “wife up.”

I’ve been thinking about writing on this subject for quite awhile, but was finally motivated to get off my ass after the Nightline faceoff “Why Can’t a Successful Black Woman Find a Man” aired on April 21, 2010 with Steve Harvey, Hill Harper and Sherry Shepherd. This broadcast follows the ABC December 2009 “Single Black Female – And Plenty of Company” which also featured giggle boy Steve Harvey.

Black men love to attempt to make Black women feel bad when she is winning an argument, puts him in check, or rejects his advances by saying “well, that’s why you’re single!” as if being part of a couple is a trophy to be won. Even the panelists expressed such trite beliefs to no one’s surprise. Why do Black men (and brainwashed women) feel the need to drag Black women down with statements that infer that in spite of our progress, we are still nothing and nobody because we can’t “get” a husband? Seems some people think our sassy, sexy, confident selves need to be brought down a notch or two.

Who Cares About Being Married Anyway — Marriage is for Suckas!

Marriage is basically a bullshit mind game played on women for generations. Women were trained to think that being married is the greatest thing since sliced bread. Until they are married and get first hand experience, most women do not understand that being a free maid, cook, breeding stock and social secretary is not a goal to strive for.

The oft-quoted statistics on marriage used to bash Black women with by ABC television and Black men certainly show a greater level of marriage amongst other races. However, those stats do not reflect how many of those marriages last, nor how many of those marriages are happy and fulfilling for the wife.

Isn’t that more important than just being married?

As I said, last week ABC’s Nightline presented a panel discussion which addressed the reasons why professional, educated Black women aren’t married like professional, educated White women are. The focus of the non-professional panelists were the reasons why Black men felt Black women didn’t know how to get and keep a man.

From the perspective of the panelists, Black women seemed to have a somewhat reduced value in the dating pool because (1) their expectations were too high; (2) their desires in a man unrealistic; (3) their refusal to settle for a man “with potential” the key reason for the high number of single Black professional women.The panel’s tired solution concluded that Black women must lower their expectations if they wanted to ever be married.  But why aren’t White and Asian women told to lower their expectations if they want to marry? Why is it that only Black women are told to expect little to nothing from a man?

(this article is 5 pages long – see below)

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Deborrah

Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.

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  1. Cynthia says:

    That fool dmv is not married, who does he think he’s kidding? My hubby is out playing golf all day. Sunday’s is his golf day and my ‘time’. If he has this wife and child/children he’s supposedly so devoted to why is he using ‘quality time’ on a blog for women? Shouldn’t he be with his family?
    If he’s the example of the black men in America, then no wonder AA women don’t have much to choose from when it comes to husbands. I say do like my AA friends did, date ‘other’. They are out there and find AA women attractive. But only marry if it’s what you want. Marriage is work! my hubby with all he has going for him, sometimes get’s a bit intense. I’m glad he has his Sundays to play golf.

  2. Deborrah says:

    As poster DMV had nothing positive to add to the discussion, his comments have been deleted. One thing that Black women really don’t need is yet another fool that has nothing to share but put downs and negativity. As a man who claims to be happily married, he should be off enjoying his non-Black bride and non-Black children, not posting on a website which focuses on the needs of SINGLE adults.

    Thank you all for your patience with the little troll. 🙂

  3. Cynthia says:

    dmv
    You’re a black guy who’s taking it up the azz (real men don’t to come onto a woman’s site all of the time and talk about what they claim is happening in their married lives. You’re probably not even married as I doubt any woman traditional or otherwise would have you. I know down low when I run across them.
    Any guy that frequents a woman’s blog, and has time to talk about an article written by a woman for women is gay.

    This is something gay guys do. A lot of gay guys tend to dislike women and often have negative things to say about women. (mostly because they’re jealous of something that woman has. I’m around them all the time out here in Cali. I interact with them, I know their habits. You are gay so get over it. Either that or you’re misogynistic when it comes to women as evidenced by the criteria you ‘chose your traditional wife’ and your negative comments towards any woman who ‘you judge’ to not be traditional.

    Rather than doing something ‘guy like’ you’ve got time to come on this blog as soon as I post something. lol. What does that say about you. You don’t see me on some blog about guys like you? I could care less about what ‘random guys think and do on ‘their blog’. Why are you on here and what do you care? If your life is so great, then why feel the need to come here and defend it? Just live it. Deborrah is writing this article telling women not to settle for guys just like you.
    I’m not worried, my friends and I were already one step ahead. We were never were attracted to fukkers like you anyway so I’m glad she is telling women to think twice. Unless a guy has it going on and will treat his woman like a QUEEN, (not like you who expect a woman to do all those all those things Penny posted, ) He is not worth marrying.

    I’m treated like a Queen as are my gf’s, as all American women should be. Guys like you can go take it up the azz. And stay off these women’s blogs.

  4. Cynthia says:

    dmv who gives a fuk what you think, you are your trifling family. You act you’re some kind of god or something. You act as though ‘you’re the one who turned down American women to go out of the country to get a ‘traditional woman’. Hahaha.

    We know the real deal. American women, black/white/italian/other, whatever don’t want your azz! Anybody who doesn’t go along with your thinking or what you want, you put them down. I feel sorry for your wife because she’s only as useful to you as long as she tows ‘your; line’. You didn’t pick her because you love her, you picked her because she was someone you can dominate. She’ll never have a voice or be allowed to be independent. So of course you’d have to go out of the country to marry some woman who is desperate to come to the states to live. She didn’t pick you because she loved you either. She wanted to be an American. So both of youall got something out of it and it’s not built on anything healthy. Just two people coming together based on exploiting something the other one had. You came together out of what you both could ‘get from the other not out of what you could give. So get the fuk out of here trying to make it seem as if you’re all of that and that loads of American women were trying to get with you.

    If anything it was the other way around. Hahaha

    I along with 7 of my gfs went to an accelerated high school. 2 of my gfs are asian/black 1 is Ethiopian descent. The other 4 are AA girls. We are all beautiful & smart! Someone if you saw us, you’d want us but you know you couldn’t. There weren’t a lot of black guys in that high school, and the few that got in were total nerds who had no idea how to talk to girls. All of us dated white guys. 4 of us are married 1 engaged, the other in a LTR.

    We all went to college, two got accepted in Ivy leagues, but we all decided to stay in Cali to go to school. Stanford, UC Davis, UCLA and Southern Cal. We all do quite well ourselves. We all get together and go to Hawaii every year for our ‘girl time’. paid for by our hubby’s. 🙂 We were all in each other’s weddings.

    None of us would date a black guy because in America black guys just don’t measure up to American women standards. They’ve fallen behind so it’s no wonder they go outside the country to find someone desperate enough to want to come over here, to marry them. That’s one step away from ‘mail order bride. So I wouldn’t brag about that if I were you.

    My hubby does very, very well in Silicon Valley. That list Penny Lee posted, I laugh because I don’t do those things unless I want to. We have a housekeeper and a chef who comes 3 days a week (A buddy of my hubby’s who owns his own restaurant, but likes to experiment at our house, so we pay him, and he get’s to try out his new ideas on us first). It works out. (i don’t have kids yet we’ve only been married 1.5 years and both want to wait a bit. My hubby didn’t marry me for me to ‘serve him’ or be his maid or be ‘traditional.

    All of my gf’s had no trouble getting men! Their hubby’s were lucky to get them. So stop bragging as if your wife got some sort of prize. All she got was a booby prize. Some pitiful guy who had to leave the Big U.S. to go get him a ‘traditional wife’. A little puppet on a string who lives to serve him.
    The minute she grows a backbone and learns to think for herself, she’ll either leave you or you’ll kick her out because you can’t handle that.

    Who’d want a weak minded spineless guy who thinks like you regardless of his race. A guy who only feels powerful by subjugating those who he feels is weaker than he is. You probably suck in bed too. Another reason guys go get naiive women who don’t know any better.

    So stop bragging the more you talk, the more you show how lucky American women are to have dodged that bullet. You are a complete fuking loser and an azz and your ‘traditional wife and baby are welcome to you.’ Any pluueeze, your so called ‘traditional wife’ would probably give her own ‘eyes to look like Lucy Lu and have what she has rather than to be with someone like you. You probably lusts after lucy lu yourself. So stop it.

    BTW, I’m loving Deborrah’s blog. Someone sent me this link from FB. What a woman! She really knows how to keep it real for all women. Not sure why black guys are on here reading a blog written by a woman for women (maybe they are gay). I mean my guy wouldn’t be on here reading this stuff. He would be doing to many ‘guy’ things and too busy being a MAN’. Rather than coming on to a ‘woman’s blog defending his so-called- way of thinking. Like women who read Deborrah’s blog really gives a shyt.

  5. Cynthia says:

    dmv
    You dumb fuk,
    I am asian American I don’t know what fool woman was desperate enuff to marry you. My hubby takes care of me every day not just on Mother’s day. Your wife is a fool to have chosen the likes of you. It’s sad that your wife has ‘bred’ more of your kind, you should be put down because you are unleashing more mini yous into the world.
    Not all asian women would want some dumb fuk like you!

  6. Cynthia says:

    dmv
    You’re an azz you and those other fools that post here. That mother’s day BS is a crock and any woman unfortunate to have married you, I feel sorry for her. For all her work she has to deal with you get her champagne and lobster like that’s something special. Pluueeze. She should go on an all expensive paid trip for a week with her and ‘her girls’. You don’t need to be anywhere near. While on said trip, I hope she meets a foine azz dude who will fuk her brains out and let her know what she is missing! lol

  7. Penny Lee Sihoe says:

    I am a parent, wife, cook, housekeeper, teacher, nurse, handy man, maid, security coordinator, supervisor, manager, secretary, nutritionist, caretaker, personal assistant, life coach, bookkeeper, laundry maid, taxi driver, and motivational speaker. I don’t get holiday pay, sick pay, or days off. I am on call 24..hrs a …day, 7 days a week. Now tell me YOUR job is harder than mine. Post this if you’re a MOM….AMEN!!

  8. Deborrah says:

    Because its my site. I pay the bills on this beyatch and I set the rules. I decide what is a flame or not and what violates the boundaries of decency. Not you.

  9. Deborrah says:

    No comments have been deleted. As I said, a backup was used to restore the server and any new content not included in yesterday’s backup was unfortunately lost. If you can remember what you said, feel free to repost it. But don’t automatically ASSume that I delete things. I don’t delete anything unless it violates the boundaries of decency or is a flame.

  10. brooklynight says:

    @ Deborah, the feelings mutual. It would be rather foolish to marry a woman who won’t take her husbands last name.

    • Deborrah says:

      Why? Why is it so important that a woman give up her name and take yours? Why not do like modern couples and use both by hyphenating, or you take HER name for a change if you want the whole family to have the same last name.

      I know plenty of women that continue to use their birth name after marriage. Oh yeah, but none of the men are brothas.

  11. Raz says:

    Brooklynight, and DMV, Single black fool, and any other trifling brothas with the trifling comments be gone. I’ve already told you where to go to school, so go visit Sdot’s blog show. Grow up get some sense ‘Man up’ and stop coming onto the blog talking about ‘what women ought to do when it’s so obivious that all three of you knuckleheads are trifling to the extreme. BE GONE!

  12. Mister Black Fool says:

    Young Men – remember:

    NO Single Moms

    NO Fat Chicks

    NO Entitlement Feminists

    NO Attention Whores or Drama Queens

    NO “Ankles”

    Marry traditional/foreign women only.

    And give today’s “strong, independent” black woman the husband she deserves – NONE!!!

    — Yes, let those foreign women (too dumb to know any different and desperate to come to the U.S. by any means necessary) be your slaves and servants. Black women are too intelligent to be bothered with your fonky attitude and know that marrying you is a nightmare, not a dream.

    Deborrah

  13. Raz says:

    What I don’t get is why the same old trifling whiny brothas follow Deborrah around but these same dudes don’t go to any sites that teach men how to be good husbands to their women. Yet they follow Deborrah faithfully like little puppies from her blogtalk shows to her blogs, to whatever she writes, they turn out in droves lol. Yet not one of them turn up for shows, telling them how to ‘man up. Like Sdot’s show Manup. But they are all over Deb trying to tell her what to do.

    Seems like to me, why bother obviously they aren’t making a difference and she’s not going to back down or ‘submit’ to their way of thinking so why do they keep wasting their time and energy? Why go somewhere with a different mindset than you have?

    Why not go to a traditional type of show or blog that caters to how these dudes think rather than come where they aren’t wanted? What’s up with that?

    If I like R&B, Neo Soul, Old School music, what the heck am I doing continuing to visit a country& western music station or heavy metal? What is the enjoyment I’m getting out of that? What’s in it for me?

    This is the same things these dudes are doing. the same thing.These dudes coming on Deb’s blog,why don’t they go check out this brotha, who is what I would call a REAL man and not some punk knucklehead always whining about how women ought to behave when they don’t put 2 seconds into thinking about how they should ‘man up and behave.

    Just as Deborrah is empowering women to make smarter choices and think for themselves in 2010 in terms of relationships, you dudes should check out this MAN, who is doing the same for brothas, especially his ‘When men become Men’ episode’ http://www.blogtalkradio.com/thesdotfiles

    Stop running behind what Deborrah writes for women, about women. You’re not her primary audience. Instead use your time and energy into becoming “Men’ instead of whining like little boys and concentrating on how you think ‘women should’ be in order to fit ‘your ideal’. Worry about how you are and how ‘you should be as a Man’. You got a brotha Sdot out there teaching you. He’s has a show coming up May 2nd 6 pm ‘When Men Become Men’ The BOOTY Call Show episode 65′ Now here is a MAN with a show for brothas about brothas. This is your classroom. Now go to class and learn!

  14. Raz says:

    DMV,
    “You black ladies want to run this “I’m strong and independent” game – fine. Just don’t act surprised when you realize no black man with anything going for himself wants to marry you.”

    That’s great because you are doing black women a favor, they don’t want tired ‘traditonal thinking men like you anyway. What is the fun in that? Who wants to be married to some dude who wants to be ‘head of household ‘ and runs his marriage like a Massa at a slave plantation. I can name many of my asian, hispanic friends (and I have a few) who have broken up with just such type of men because they are tired of that crap. They may go into it happy but a few years down the road, they see the deal and they are miserable with their ‘traditional’ men and they want out.

    See you guys talk about ‘getting married’ but none of you want to explore what goes into the work a woman does day in and day out and what she puts up with a man to stay married to him. Remember that Lorena Bobbit , the Equadorian ladyfamous for cutting off her hubby’s dyck after she got tired of his shyt.

    So I wish all of you guys would marry other women, and prevent dudes like you from inflicting yourselves on black women. Just as you can marry ‘other’ black women can ‘date’ and be with ‘other too’. Don’t think just because you don’t see it, this ain’t happening.

    Dudes need to stop thinking that other women are marrying them in droves too. lol. Y’all act like women of other ethnicities are running to you guys with their tongues hanging out panting to marry you in droves. Most times if they are in other countries it’s prolly cause they aren’t ’empowered in themselves, or they want to come over here to another country and use marriage to do it.
    I know a lot of brothas in the military taking care of their Asian wives and 10 other folks in their marriages, while they are stepping out with other women because they feel so bogged down.

    So Hooray DMV, thank you for marrying other women, You and traditional thinking dudes like did black women a favor! Any day of the week a sistah can get a ‘dude’ she is just choosy about what type of dude she wants to get, and a sistah doesn’t have to marry some dude to get her needs met especially her sexual needs and her need for companionship. She gets what she wants, then goes about her business, traveling enjoying life.

    Those sistahs who you cllaim are whining because they are lonely for a man to marry them, well I hope they read Deborrah’s article. Women have been brainwashed by men (society at large) and society was initially set up this way, for a woman to define her ‘womanhood by being married and becoming a mother.
    Well that was then this is now and not all women are realizing that they don’t have to feel ‘less of a woman’ if they choose not to marry or have a baby. But that type of changing of the mind isn’t going to happen overnight, but make no mistake whether you dudes like it or not, it is happening as evidienced by the fact that most divorces are initiated by unhappily married women.

    Women who get married expecting one thing and a few years later are tired of it and want out! Personally i wouldn’t want a brotha with a traditonal thinking attitude, that would totally cramp my style. But luckily for me, I can pick and choose the type of men that ‘suit me’. And not have to bend myself to fit in with what some tradtional dude wants me to be. And life is fun!
    Let the ‘women of other ethnicities have at you dudes. More power to them. Cuz I certainly don’t want you.

  15. Raz says:

    Brooklynight, be done then brotha, like most men you don’t want to exchange conversation and information with women, you just want them to agree with what you said, just because you’re a dude and said it. Too often dudes in their expectation for women to hang onto their every word, feel this entitlement that women should ‘heed what they say’ as though men are the final authority on everything.

    As for your posting stats, I’m not talking about ‘your stats, I’m talking about stats that reflect marriage/divorce rates in western civilization. I’m talking about learned research scholarly material that has been studied by behavioral social scientists and documented in journals such as the journal of marriage and family.

    This data takes in a large grouping of data from a much larger groups of family and studies trends across the board, the world. Most dudes like you don’t go into that depth of research and fact finding
    You just take what what you’ve seen with your eyes and your own experiences, and anecdotal incidents and apply this to the whole world as though it’s gospel. It’s just as I thought you don’t read and have no idea about how data is researched studied and put out there.

    You take the handful of incidents that you know, the women that you’ve heard, what you’ve seen on TV and that is the basis of your knowledge (rolls eyes). Give me a break.
    We all know that TV is run by powerful media with money, (And telling sistahs to ‘make their voice’ be heard, well we are doing just that. Deborrah is doing just that on ‘her blog’ she is starting a movement making her voice heard. And you are hearing it and not liking. Sometimes things start at the grass roots level and grow. (Historically speaking that is how a lot of revolutionary change begins.

    Not everyone has Oprah Winfrey money, but again since you’re only going by what the ‘media’ has lead you to believe’ and probably not in tune with a lot of women’s talk shows that empower women and bring concepts to light on radio stations, blogs and other outlets using the internet and radios, you wouldn’t know that. Again Brooklyn you are using ‘your interactions’ and what you’ve experienced and assuming it applies to everyone else.
    Talk what you know and stop assuming ‘what you don’t know doesn’t exist just because you haven’t experienced. Accept that your experience and knowledge on subject matter you haven’t done extensive exploring and research on is something you simply don’t know about.

    Lastly, communicating with you and responding to your post is ‘not a rant’. Again the man trying to put a woman down to make himself feel good’ when she stands up and answers him back.
    If you don’t want to be responded to, then get off the blog and be done like you said. Why come on here anyway you aren’t adding anything to the conversation. Just whining because you don’t like the article.
    Then again many men wouldn’t and it’s interesting why. They know that once women see through what the deal is about marriage and the ‘wifework: involved, they will be assed out in the cold.

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