The Dreaded “What Are You Thinking?” Question…

| 05/26/2011 | Comments (5)

Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
I’m curious, when you are spending time with someone you are interested in and they ask the stinkin’ question “what are you thinking?”, what should you respond? Why do women ask men this question anyway?

I’ve noticed that this question seems to come from women who are not very secure with themselves. I usually respond with something like a “how busy tomorrow will be” even though you know deep down it’s a cry for the other person to say “how much I like you” or “how comfortable I feel around you” or “how wonderful you are.” Do you agree?

Stinkin’ Thinkin’

Dear Stinkin Thinkin:
You are right on target dude. Because in my opinion, only stupid women ask that kind of question. “What are you thinking?” Get a clue woman! Guys don’t think anything! LOLOLOL!!

Seriously though, your answer is a good one. Deflect. Deny. Sidetrack. Derail.

Because if you give her any answer that even ALLUDES to you liking her, that you are thinking about a future with her, that you are thinking about more or even a date tomorrow – she will glob onto that crap like you have proposed or something and you will have drama galore on your hands.

The only woman you should ever answer that type of question for is your WIFE. Any woman you just met or are dating should be given some innocuous b.s. answer like “I was wondering if Barry Bonds paying for college for that guy that got the beat down will motivate other Giant’s team members to chip in and help that family out” or “why do you think so many people believed that the world was going on end on May 21st 2011?”And if you really want to derail her, mumble something like “do you think your mother wears thong underwear, boy shorts or old lady panties?”

You know, something like that which is totally unrelated to her or your relationship. I bet you she will never again ask you “babe, what are you thinking?” She’ll be too afraid of your answer!


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Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.

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Category: Dating Advice

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Comments (5)

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  1. Kim says:

    I gotta say, I’m with Deborrah on this one. I’m a woman who loves to talk so it’s not too hard to know what I’m thinking most of the time. However, part of a good relationship is being able to be comfortably in silence with another person without having to reveal my thoughts at every given moment. Sometimes it’s just nice to sit and enjoy each other, while say watching a sunset or enjoying a fire, without saying anything at all. What I’m thinking is my business and if I wanted him to know, I’d tell him without his having to ask.

  2. sky says:

    I was asked this question by a man I was dating briefly. i thought it was the oddest question, because I think a lot of things, but i don’t blurt them out. now that im reading this, it makes a lot of sense,because i just couldn’t get why he kept asking this.

  3. Monique says:

    This is SOOOO on point!! It’s like God-forbid a man actually tells the woman of his affection that he’s thinking of her….jeez you’d think the sky would fall in.

    Great response, Deborrah!!

  4. SilentBro says:

    To Stinkin’ Thinkin’
    Women ask that question when they are very interested in you and want to know what are you thinking about at that moment. Maybe you two are talking about something that possibly has deeper implications for you/her and she is curious what it means to you, maybe its after you shared a special moment and she wants to know how you feel about it, or maybe its a moment of silence where she thinks about you and wants to know what are you thinking about. You didn’t describe the setting so I can’t address why that woman asked you the question but brother I would like to ask you what is wrong with a woman that you are spending time with that you have an interest in who also has an interest in you asking what are you thinking? Tell her what you are thinking, what do you have to hide? If you think she is insecure why do you have an interest in her and better yet why are you with her? Communication (verbal and non verbal) is the cornerstone of ANY relationship and that includes questions of what do you think.

    Ms. Heartbeat

    I don’t see why you condone misrepresenting(deflect, deny, sidetrack, derail) thoughts or outright lying on a relationship blog. Relationships built on mutual trust, respect and open communication tend to be more meaningful and lasting.

    • kosdaisy says:

      Agreed SilentBro. I myself have asked that of people. I usually ask when it appears that they are in deep thought and I am just curious to know what they are thinking about. It seems that you, StinkinThinkin, may be a bit paranoid if you honestly believe that the only reason a women asks you what you are thinking is because she is hoping you are thinking about her. This may come to a surprise but sometimes (even frequently) questions and words for that matter mean exactly what’s said or asked. If you are with someone you’re not comfortable enough with to be honest you should do yourself and her a favor and get out of the relationship. Like SilentBro said, communication builds the foundation for a relationship and if you’re not willing to be honest with the woman you’re with you should reflect inward and ask yourself honestly if that is someone you are interested in building a relationship with.

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