The Emotionally Abusive Black Man – Part 2
BLACK CULTURE AND CHRISTIAN RELIGIONS ENCOURAGE
VERBAL AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE OF WOMEN
Being raised in an environment where emotional abuse was practiced increases the chances of you either becoming abusive yourself, or of you entering into an abusive relationship. As a staunch critic of organized religion due to the harm I’ve been it do to Black women, I believe that any religion which supports a male-dominated culture also supports emotional abuse of females.
The Book of Genesis has been used to justify male aggression towards and abuse of women: “in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children: and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee”. And in Ephesians (5:22-24) “Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.”
Religious doctrine sets a woman up to believe that she is solely responsible for the health and happiness of her relationship and her partner. The abuser’s belief that he must always have influence over women and superiority in his household and relationship in reinforced by man made religion. The female victim is beaten over the head with religious guilt and brainwashed into believing that she has to work harder, pray more, give more, and be a better woman to get her man’s approval and improve the relationship all by herself. The abuser reinforces a twisted perception of reality by quoting scriptures and telling her that she is not a “good Christian woman” that “submits to her man.”
EMOTIONAL ABUSE IS PERVASIVE AND WIDESPREAD
Many women in physically abusive relationships report that the emotional abuse they suffered caused more damage than the physical abuse they endured. Emotional abuse can have serious physical and psychological consequences for women, including severe depression, anxiety, hypertension, heart problems, headaches, back and joint problems, and digestive problems. Repeated assaults on your emotions over a period of time can result in feelings of uselessness, worthlessness and self-blame.
When threats of violence are added to the equation, women also feel vulnerable, alone, terrified and powerless. Amazingly, many emotionally abused women actually believe that their abuser loves and cares about them, “otherwise why would he want to marry or live with me?” they ask. “He didn’t really mean it” they suggest, implying that if he didn’t mean it, then how can it be emotional abuse?
A study published in Canada in 1993[1] found that emotional abuse is widespread among never-married or common-law Canadian women aged 18 to 65 years, with more than 1/3 of the women surveyed reporting that heir husbands were emotionally abusive. More than 75% of the women reported they’d suffered emotional abuse in combination with physical abuse.
Black college women’s perceptions of abuse in relationships were investigated in a 2005 study of 64 women.[2] One of the questions posed was: Are there some behaviors of African American men others might define as abusive but you would tolerate? Twenty-nine (29) respondents declared that they would not tolerate abuse of any kind. Eight (8) stated that they would tolerate sarcasm/verbal abuse, five (5) would tolerate play-fighting, three (3) would accept emotional abuse (including yelling/screaming, breaking objects), and one (1) would find physical abuse tolerable. One (1) respondent would accept withholding of finances, and the remaining five (5) couldn’t think of any instance of abuse they would tolerate.
Any act of verbal or physical force, coercion, or life-threatening deprivation, directed at an individual woman or girl, that causes physical or psychological harm, humiliation or arbitrary deprivation of liberty and that perpetuates female subordination is abusive.[3]
Conscious or deliberate acts that cause or threaten to cause harm… They are acts that ignore or hold in contempt the voice of the affected person and that exploit a power imbalance, or that on other grounds, are contrary to the free and informed consent of the affected person. [4]
Emotional abuse is the repeated use of controlling and harmful behaviors by a male to control a female. Every instance of his behavior is designed to achieve a result – gaining the upper hand over you. Every dismissive and critical word he says, every action he takes to make you feel badly, every threatening gesture he makes is being done with intent and malice. Don’t delude yourself into thinking abuse is an accident.
Know that as a result of being subjected to a barrage of abusive behaviors, you will begin to live your life in fear. You’ll alter your thoughts, feelings and behavior. You will deny your needs and jump through hoops in a vain attempt to please your abuser. You’ll be on a quest to quell further abusive behavior by giving him what he says he wants, hoping to return the relationship to the romantic, fun partnership it was before the abuse began.
Too bad it never works.
Deborrah
Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.
Follow Me:
Category: Date Smarter, Not Harder
How I wish I had read this years ago. I wasted decades after the collapse of an abusive relationship, unable and unwilling to form any new relationships because I had no idea what a healthy relationship was. Then when I did make the attempt, I fell back into old habits and ended up with a man who emotionally abused me again, although without the physical abuse I had endured previously. This time I got out before things got completely out of control, and I later got into a research study for PTSD, dealt with my issues head on and now feel so much more mentally stable. Unfortunately, I also gave up decades of my life before I got the help I needed. I would urge any woman who has lived through an abusive relationship, whether it be mental, physical or both, to seek help. Do so privately if you must, but get help so that you don’t fall back into old habits with men, or waste years of your life running away from the self that you should love. You cannot change someone else, but you can change yourself.
That may be true but this site is called “Surviving DATING” and that is what we talk about here – romantic relationships between hetereosexuals.. So talking about non-romantic relationships wouldn’t make a whole lot of sense. Secondly, there are plenty of articles which focus on the generalized population. I wanted to focus on black men and black women because our race is the most religious and therefore the most affected by a belief system which encourages female submission, male domination, and male entitlement to treat women in any way they want. Black culture has a tendency to avoid these types of discussions because a woman who would dare stand up to black men and challenge the status quo is labeled as “a damn feminist” or some other (worst) name. Therefore, black women avoid writing articles of this type.Not me though! Since this was written in 2010, several other popular bloggers have come forth with articles about abuse in black male/female relationships, but mine was one of if not the first one. Therefore, though your suggestion was meant well I’m sure, it will not now or at any time in the future be honored. I will continue to write about black male/female relationship issues because someone has to be brave enough to do it, and that person may as well be me.
I agree with Pat, because People act like this in general in all types of relationships not just romantic. Somebody either Male or Female has to have power over somebody This is the Dark-Side of Human Nature.
I’ve seen females tear down men like this in romantic relationships doing all of what was described in this article as I have seen and experienced Males, tear down men. People always attack what they are afraid of. and Mask that as strength when like Pat said it’s the insecurities talking. Males described in this article are the Ones that don’t know how to be Men that’s why they act like this. Men as well as Women that are or about to be in relationships use conversation to communicate no ignoring, or tunning each other out. And stuff like this can be avoided if not prevented among all races, personally, in the business world etc. Negativity is always associated with Popularity and it’s Popular to Bash a Black Man instead of Confronting self, and then confronting the
Black or any Other Background male that are guilty of this. It should be People period not a Color and not a Gender.
Good one Pat.
Bravo! Once again you have hit the bull’s eye! Coming across this blog has been such a wake up call for me. I wish I had come across it long ago. Maybe I could have spared myself the pain of dealing with some of the negative things that I experienced in my past. This article speaks truth to power. This topic is taboo in many circles. We are not supposed to discuss openly how many of us are victims to the maliciousness of these men. Thank you for providing this article to many of us who need to read this.
First of all you are such a talented writer – I hope you have many prosperous years of telling the truth! I hope young black women are listening because you are shaving off many years of grief.
I am starting to see another dangerous trend of married black men seeking out single black women to exploit. In many of the instances I have witnessed the predator knows women are ready for a loving relationship and they are blinded by the subtle tricks and cues of evil right in front of them. These men’s behavior is sadistic to say the least.
I agree, there are times when we unintentially injure our loved ones. That is what “I’m sorry” is for. But some women have become so emotionally, physically and financially invested they find it too shameful or exhausting to leave esp, with children.
One of the ways I have confirmed (it can be shocking you’re with an abuser), when he “acts” up, I will tell him “I’m going to get another opinion about your behavior (expose) to see if this is healthy for me.” We all know they like to keep things very private. He will either run or stop the madness.
So glad you are giving us a voice.
Men, black, brown, white, or purple, are egocentric and will say manipulative things to take women down a notch. However, my own mother has this one down, so anyone (females included) can be controlling and unsupportive. The important thing is to realize that it IS their insecurity talking.