The ‘Ho Test – Why and How Men Test the Women They Date (part 2)

| 01/03/2012 | Comments (13)

The Importance of Female Self Esteem in Romance

Respect and a high opinion of yourself is a mandatory ingredient in the foundation of a man’s love for you.  I cannot stress this enough.  Of all the judgments we pass, none is as important as the judgment we pass on ourselves.  Before a man can truly love you, his respect for you must be at level 8 or above (on a scale of 1-10).  But even before a man can truly love and respect you, you must love and respect YOURSELF.  Remember, like is drawn to like.

To have high self esteem means to feel competent and worthy, to respect and stand up for your interests and needs and to cope with the challenges of life.  Those with high self-esteem are ambitious and embrace their experiences in life – emotionally, creatively, and spiritually. The higher our self esteem, the more likely we are to treat others with respect, kindness and consideration since we do not perceive them as a threat to our peace of mind or security.

On the other hand, having low self esteem means that you suffer from feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, self-doubt, guilt, and fear.  You are more likely to enter into destructive relationships.  You may recognize that in the back of your mind a nasty little voice constantly reminds you that you are “not enough.”  Those with low self-esteem may also be arrogant, boastful, or overstate their abilities in an attempt to “puff themselves up”.  Those with low self-esteem frequently attempt to glorify themselves at the expense of others by verbally discounting, mistreating, or physically abusing them in an effort to feel more powerful or elevate themselves.

Know When to Get Out or Just Say NO!

How we feel about OURSELVES affects virtually every aspect of our lives – from the way we function at work, in love, in sex, to the way we operate as parents.  And (excluding mental, emotional or physical problems that are biological in origin) most of the social ills and personal problems we suffer originate in an environment of low self esteem:  alcohol and drug abuse, underachievement, spousal battering, child molestation, sexual dysfunction, emotional immaturity, suicide, and setting ourselves up to be used.


For those of you that call yourself having a man but still spend important holidays alone; have a man that you have been dating for years that refuses to marry you; have a man in your life that doesn’t open doors or pull out your chair for you or treat you like a lady; or have a husband that cheats whenever he gets ready with no fear of repercussions – know that somewhere down the line you have failed one or more of his tests.

If your man has changed in his treatment towards you and no longer treats you as special and important as he did previously that means he is probably not ready to leave the relationship completely yet, but he has already moved you out of the running as a serious contender for his affections.  In his mind he has already decided that the relationship “isn’t going anywhere.”  He may feel he does not have to treat you like a lady because in some way you have disappointed him and convinced him that you don’t deserve to be treated with high regard.  In these cases, I would recommend that you recognize this relationship will NEVER fulfill your needs.  No matter how painful the loss may seem, it is best to abandon that relationship and start fresh and on the “good foot” with another man.


Take Responsibility For Your Choices and
Become a Winner in the Game of Love!

We make choices every day of our lives.  Admittedly, some of the choices we make are not in our best interest over the long run.  Perhaps these imprudent choices are dictated, not by thoughtful respect for ourselves, but instead by the desire for immediate gratification, a sense of desperation, a refusal to accept reality, or plain old low self esteem.  And even though (as stated by Carl Jung) “The shoe that fits one person pinches another; there is no recipe for living that suits all cases,” it is my firm belief that a woman who thought highly of and valued herself, her sexuality and her heart would not engage in the behaviors associated with being a ‘ho.

Hopefully, using the tests outlined above as a starting guideline, you can quickly determine where you have been going wrong in your dealings with men and adjust your program accordingly.  By behaving in a way that commands respect from the men you meet, you will win the right man’s respect, admiration and ultimately his loving devotion.


(originally published on AskHeartBeat.Com September 1999)

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Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.

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Comments (13)

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  1. Nicknameme says:

    There are times when I would like to know why men are always testing women so thank you Deborrah for the article. Once you get past the title you can see that men have ways of looking for what they want in a woman as do women with men. This article has some very good points but interesting enough I think that calling the article a Ho-Test will get less support because women don’t like being called hoes so in order to get a woman’s attention maybe a little more positive tone would help.

  2. Nicknameme says:

    I try to figure men out and I definitely think men go straight for what they want and they test women.

    I would not call a woman a ho as I would not call a black person a nigger. Derogatory words like that usually get negative feedback or no support.

  3. Nickellme says:

    Hello, I really like this article. It is good information. I’m a bit of an introvert so I would have a guy come and not deliver a lot. I thought I was saving the bigger arguments over the smaller ones for example, If he’s looking at his phone at dinner or doesn’t give a gift for my birthday. These are minor things so it’s not worth arguing over. And if you do, it becomes nagging behavior. Should I make a big deal out of these things? What is your opinion of this?

  4. knutz says:

    What’s a Ho ? cause I think I might be one! Only time and actions will show you the real person of course if you’re dating a woman who’s never been married and has a baby by her last 3 or 4 BFs you can see her cat fax is a mess, dont walk away run forrest run

  5. misthang01 says:

    Men who test and constantly test are of low self esteem. There are better and more effective ways to tell if a woman is a ho or not. A real woman and man don’t have or shouldn’t have time for such immature games. This kind of mess is probably why I stay single. I call it out as soon as I see “the test” in motion. A man should be able to trust his judgement and observe as time goes by. Bad mate choices aren’t made because the parties didn’t test enough, they happen because 1. the right questions aren’t asked in the dating process (tests are passive aggressive), 2. the two weren’t in tuned with their own moral makeup and needs, 3. they got together for all the wrong reasons in the first place. As much as I appreciate this article, I must say the follow-up should be to all men that TESTING a woman at this magnitude makes you an ass clown and you will miss out on a great woman with your nonsense. IF she finds anything remotely redeemable about you, she may keep space open for you in her life for when you get YOUR crap together.

    • Deborrah says:

      As much as you may hate it, tests are done by men and they will continue to be done. It reflects insecurity as it should since a man doesn’t know you. What women need to do is stop being so accepting of what they hear from men and instead run their own tests.

  6. MissTaylor says:

    i love it! Im only 22, so this article meant a whole lot to me…Thank you Deborrah!!

  7. Doogan says:

    I’m glad to see this again. So much truth here.

    But PLEASE, change the name. I’ve sent this to many women over the years. The problem is that the women who most need to read it will often see Ho Test and immediately say “Well I know I’m not a ho,” and ignore it.

    One my greatest personal revelations in my dating life is that there are worse things than being alone. And if you date someone who doesn’t respect you, then you’ll find out what those things are. The less afraid you are of being alone, the more assertive you can be in defending your boundaries, and the more likely you are to find a man who will treat you well.

    And if a man runs away when you demand respect, then he’s just done you a huge favor.

    • Deborrah says:

      I can’t change the name. But might I suggest when you send the link along, include a note that explains the title and that though they may not perceive themselves to be a ‘ho, men are still going to test them because HE needs to know that. And these are some of the tests that a guy may run. Give them a heads up of the content.

      Glad to know you have seen it before. I felt so dumb that I had neglected to move it over from the other site.

  8. realbeautifulwomenwearscarves says:

    I love the insight in this article. I love getting a peek into the male’s cognitive process. Unfortunately, if this article is a good example of their thoughts then this process is a weak determinant of something like the true character of a good woman.

    I think this process is testing a naive or ignorant (lack of education) woman vs. a prepared and/or experienced woman. Those two kinds of women should not be put into comparison. It is simply unfair. Alot of woman do think higher of themselves than “ho” status but their behavior (according to the chart) may suggest otherwise to a man.

    Do men ever think that what they perceive as desperation is just a woman desperate to make a connection with a man she actually ENJOYS and not desperation for a man period. Women meet TONS of men and out of that truckload, maybe 2 are official to her…think about that for a second. TWO out of a truckload!(there are ALOT of throwbacks out there gentlemen) And if one of that 2 respond in-kind then of course she is going to bend in areas that the chart clearly reduces her for.

    I personally have been one of those women ,however, I resent being catorgorized under terms as rigid as “ho” when my behavior is SOMETIMES the result of not being fulfilled by the living breathing sorry choice of men out there, or just not knowing any better about this game of power POLITICS and male arrogance. It is men that think according to this chart, who misappropriate a woman’s love for her desperation.

    In the end, in my opinion these Men lose… because they potentially throw the baby out with the bath water with this type of arrogant assessment. The best thing for any human to do when critiquing is to look at themselves first.

    Google search this article: Stop Test Driving Your Girlfriend by Michael Lawerence

    • Deborrah says:

      Men run the ho test for one reason – to see if you are a ho and if he can trust that you will maintain access to the vagina he wants to brand as HIS only for him. That’s it! Its not about character, education, business acumen, cooking ability, intelligence or looks. It’s all about what you do with your vagina when he is not around. He is testing to see if you are an easy mark for other men to run game on and get access to HIS vagina.

      Men’s egos are too fragile to think that he might be so special and desirable to you, that you would be different with him than you have any other man ever in your entire life. They don’t believe that because they do not believe themselves to be special or different than other men.

      So see, when you look at it in that way, the testing takes on a whole new meaning, doesn’t it?

    • jazmin1957 says:

      BEEEEutifully said. This article, Ms. Scarves, should be published.

    • Real1 says:

      Most men do run at least one of these tests on women, but for different reasons. There are men who truly want to be in a committed relationship therefore they want to be with a woman who will also be committed. Like you said Scarves, most women meet plenty of men, most women I’ve dated date often, and may date 2 or 3 men at a time. How do I really know I’m special to this woman and not just another one of the guys she’s dating?

      A woman who’s going to cheat, flirt with my friends, is into sex with women as well as with men, will drain my bank account and move on to the next, is usually not going to come right out and say that. Sometimes the only way to know these things is to test out how she reacts to certain conversations or situations.

      Most women aren’t all around desperate they’re not going to sleep with any and every man, and give any and every man their attention. There are a lot of women however, who seem desperate to fall in love. I think some women are in love with the idea of falling in love, not the actual man they claim to be in love with. If a woman is supposedly so in love after a very short amount of time without even really knowing me, who’s to say she won’t leave for any other man who says “I love you?’

      I think any man who isn’t testing women in some way is being very naive, and will learn the hard way.

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