The Three Types of Black Men

| 09/02/2009 | Comments (4)


I have been around a few decades.  Socially and through my work, I’ve interacted with hundreds of thousands of men from all over the world.  I’ve come to the conclusion that there are three types of Black men:

#1 – Those That Do Positive Things and Make a Positive Mark On The World

These are the guys that took the lessons of their parents and other adults of influence seriously.  They are men of their word, quiet and unassuming, but focused and driven.

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Usually has traveled through different countries, and has a great appreciation for other cultures, foods and peoples.  He tries to understand viewpoints and lifestyles different from his own without condemning or negating.

Refuses to be beaten and is an inspirational example of resilience. They are creative, honest, responsible, committed to family and causes, energetic, positive, educated, funny, sexy and genuinely wonderful people. They are cheerleaders in the success of others and supportive of others’ dreams.

He is a solid dude that always has your back and the backs of his friends and other relatives.  No one he cares about will ever do without as long as he has some to share.  He lives by an internal code which honors and respects everyone with rarely a harsh criticism or unkind word.

Everyone wants to be around him… he’s got a great vibe.

If he does practice a certain religion, he takes it seriously but does not beat anyone over the head with it. Yeah, he has a few strange quirks (do you know any man that doesn’t!), but in general you are happy that you met this man.  He renews your faith in mankind.  If he is your son, brother or uncle, you admire and respect him greatly.  If he is your man, you are very proud of him and want to have children that are just like their father.  Your friends say you smile a lot.


#2 – Those That Don’t Do Crap Themselves but Complain Freely About What You Don’t Do

These are the guys that will take a great deal of time to point out in minute detail exactly what you (or all Black women, or all women period) did wrong and why you should have done things a different way that meet his approval.  He never risks you being able to criticize him the same way however, because he doesn’t do anything himself.  Ever.  This is the type that will interrupt what you are doing to have you come from another room to point out a cup of water the kids spilled on the floor instead of getting a paper towel and wiping it up.

You end up over functioning in the relationship, paying all the bills, cooking, doing all the calling, cleaning, dealing with the kids, buying his mother a birthday present and taking her to the doctor, getting new tires on the car, getting the taxes done, etc.  He does nothing but go to work (if his lazy butt even HAS a job), and come home to watch TV, or hang out and drink with his buddies. He demands sex too, which he might initiate sometimes in a clumsy selfish way.  But most times he believes he is entitled to your body and that you are obligated to do things to excite him while he continues to sit on his ass and do nothing.

Should you fall ill, he seems to always have other priorities that prevent him from meeting your needs or being there for you.  He plays helpless or claims to not know what you need, where to find it, how to get it.  You end up getting out of bed with a fever or a cast to get it yourself, which is what he was angling for in the first place.

Cheating here is a 50/50 proposition. He may not cheat, probably because it would be too much work.  Others in this group have no problem cheating.  He feels justified in cheating because you are too tired to give him the sex he feels entitled to, or don’t find his “slam bam thank you ma’am” technique to be the least bit romantic.

Some of these guys are in prison as repeat offenders, the ultimate escape tactic.  You can’t expect him to do anything or assume any responsibility because he is locked up. Other men put themselves in a prison of emotional distance, disconnected and apart from the people who share his residence. You are in a relationship but feel horribly lonely.  You don’t smile much, are always exhausted, and feel overwhelmed and burdened with responsibility and obligation. Having this man in your life is like having another child!


#3 – Those That Are Toxic, Control Freaks and Guilt/Hate Mongers

Lots of these guys around lately… it’s like they are being manufactured in the Big Dummy Factory.  These are men that truly hate women.  Nothing a woman does is right in his eyes.  He will use Biblical quotes and scriptures to lay blame at women’s feet for a wide variety of offenses.  From the high rate of single parent homes to gangs to the unemployment rate amongst Black men, from him being a loser with a crack addiction to the extinction of the dinosaur — somehow Black women are at fault.  He refers to Black women by vile names and is usually verbally (and possibly physically) abusive as well.

He is adamant that the family structure was better in the olden days when women stayed at home to serve their men and children.  Modern Black women are too forward, too aggressive, too demanding and won’t “let” men be men and lead.  He spews toxic, emotionally abusive language at and about females wherever he goes.

These men are drawn to social networking and online dating sites, because they are comfortable hiding behind a monitor while they share the opinion that that he and all males are superior to women. He attempts to verbalize his criticisms in a way that make him sound intellectual and philosophical, but in reality he just sounds stupid – like Anton from In Living Color.

No woman but a White one is good enough for him.  Oh, well foreign women, he likes them too because he perceives them to be docile, obedient and feels that they understand men’s requirement to be put first, as women are “supposed” to.

He provides approval and disapproval as a method to control what you do.  He will tell you where you can go, who you can see, what you can wear and when you need to be home from even your mother’s house or the hairdresser. Some men refuse to allow their woman to wear makeup because they don’t want her to be attractive to other men.

These guys will rip your self-esteem to shreds if you let them.  They are toxic to any woman’s peace of mind and self advancement.  Women cry a lot, gain weight from overeating, and take anti-depressants when they deal with this type of man.  These fellas should be avoided at all cost by every Black woman in the world!

My estimation is that about 25% of American Black men are in the first category, 25% in the second, and 50% in the third.  A great many of the men in #1 and #2 are already married.

What does all this mean for single Black women? I’d like your take on it.  Please post a comment below.

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Deborrah

Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.

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Comments (4)

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  1. naturalme says:

    I really hope this is a joke. As a women I find it really sad that with the thousands of men that you have met and interacted with you have only met three types.
    I am so glad I don’t live in the states if this is all you have got. Number 1 would sounds like a fantasy (does he play piano naked in the moonlight?) but when reading it properly some of the things do sound like my husband note I said SOME of the things. Number 2 and 3 WOW really?  I’m not saying that a man like this cant exist but I wouldn’t say that the majority of men are like these two. This is the minority.
    Its wrong to pigeon hole men and posts like this continue to fuel the animosity and miscommunication between black men and women. Chin up single ladies I don’t believe that all the good men are taken. There is someone for everyone but its about compromise on both sides and bringing out the best in each other..  There is no such thing as a perfect man as we ourselves are not perfect. Unconditional love is about accepting someone for all the things they are and all the things they are not.  Go in with your heart and mind open leave your rules and preconceptions at the door.

    • Deborrah says:

      @naturalme Yup, there are three types of black men. Just three. You must have forgotten that the standards for manhood in Black America are very rigid and narrow. Of course if you don’t live in the U.S. that might be why you don’t know and why your opinion on the matter is irrelevant. It’s impossible to talk about anything with facts when you have none. You just talking to hear yourself talk

  2. Charlie Brown says:

    There is a 4th type of man. The timid shy guy, that is too scared to open up and be one of the other three types. This guy only feels comfortable being himself around you until he gets to know you. Unfortunately by that time, the woman is too turned off by the lack of confidence, that she rejects him before seeing the real man. He could grow into a 1, 2, or 3; but right now he’s stuck in the “4-zone”.

  3. Raz says:

    “’d say about 25% of American Black men are in the first category, 25% in the second, and 50% in the third. A great many of the men in #1 and #2 are already married.
    What does this mean for single Black women… I’d like your take on it.”

    I just want to ball up and cry boohooohooo. There’s truth to that saying all the good men are taken. 🙁 Especially in the first category. I say this generation X and beyond are in deep shyt. Used to be once upon a time men defined his manliness by becoming independent, getting out of the house, getting a job/education and acquiring a family. Men nowadays don’t seem to have this priority. Women are striding ahead of men by leaps and bounds in the job and education front and men are falling behind. They resent that and they take it out on women. Add to that the mysogny played out in rap videos over the last 20 years and you’ve got an explosive mix of resentful man angry at successful women. Men raised by single mothers with the absence of a father figure in the home and these boys grow into men with no goals, no priorities. It’s sad. It’s no wonder there are more of them floating around single than there are of the men in the first category or even the second one.

    What woman would want to put up with a man like that long term? These are the men who are divorced too.These are the men that the women end up losing it over and they shoot these men after dealing with years of emotional, verbal and physical abuse.
    I wish the guys in the first category could start a movement and mentor these young boys to grow up to be like them so that would make it better for future generations. Maybe my nieces would have quality men to choose from. This says to me as a single woman that I have to resign myself to being single as opposed to marriage because the eligible pool of marriageable men is very small. But women who desperately want marriage may end up with guys from the last category. They feel they’d rather have a jerk and be married and have kids than be single. Too bad. It means that the number of single women will continue to swell as opposed to those who marry because the ranks of men in the last category will swell since they outnumber the men in the first category twice as much. That is sad.

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