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Just like Freud (who admittedly never could figure out what women wanted), women don't understand men and what they want in a relationship!
But I have the answer, and it's very simple: The basic need Black men seek to have fulfilled by having a relationship with one particular woman is admiration.
All men want to be admired, especially by their wife, girlfriend, life partner. Men NEED your respect, your praise and your approval ladies. Doesn't matter if he doesn't look that hot and isn't that attractive, financially secure, educated, or sophisticated... all men still need their woman's admiration. Even if he doesn't deserve it (just in your mind or in response to negative behavior), it doesn't change the fact that he NEEDS it. Without the admiration of his woman, a man feels lost, unloved and is vulnerable to going out on her to get that ego boosting admiration elsewhere.
You may find yourself in a situation where you don’t know what to do or say to make your man feel admired and special. Unfortunately, Black women have real problems with this. I often hear Sistahs get together and berate Brothas vs. compliment them at a ratio of 570000000 to 1.
Yes, I am exaggerating, but it always surprises me how women can continue on in a relationship with someone they claim to love, when they have little to no respect and admiration for him as a man.
You want to know why he has changed and doesn't want to spend time with you, cuddle with and talk to you, and why he seems to go out of his way to ignore you lately? You want to know why your relationship is cooling off, and he is distant and withdrawn?
Think about it... when is the last time you told him how much he turns you on, how exciting a man he is, applauded his creativity, or told him again how much you admire his intelligence, ambition and fathering skills. When have you acknowledged that he works harder than anyone you know? When is the last time you made an extra effort to spruce up your outfit and hair before he comes home from work? Without your admiration, your man feels that he doesn't make you happy, that you are dissatisfied with and disapprove of him.
White girls do this very well. They wear our Brothas out repeatedly telling them how "awesome!" they are. Can't we do some of that ourselves?
And it's not about blowing smoke just to "build his ego" while you roll your eyes behind his back. It's not about going out of your way to lie to him just to keep him around either. No one wants to be a convenience, a safety net, or something to do so you aren't bored on Saturday nights!
Some of the choices Sistah's make in men are questionable. Maybe you thought you could change him, or you were fearful of growing old alone. Perhaps you were in lust (not love), desperate to have someone because everyone else has a man, or because the ticking of a biological clock is loud in your ears.
Certainly, a man chosen because he fills an immediate need with no long-term understanding of who and what you are aligning yourself with is a mistake. Black men want and need to be truly loved by Black women, just as they are. Acceptance is key. With acceptance must come appreciation.
But if you are with a man that you honestly feel you cannot proudly say wonderful things about to your friends and family, whom you cannot look in the eye with a smile and tell you are happy he came into your life, and for whom you have absolute pride and belief in then YOU ARE WITH THE WRONG MAN!