What Black Women Need to Be Happy
A confused male poster on a forum I visit sometimes wrote:
“Black women will never be happy with Black men. Black women would find fault or a reason to complain and whine because she has been convinced that no matter what the Black man does, good or bad, he will never measure up to her real idol, the White man. The White man did a wonderful job confusing the Black women about what ‘a man’ is.”
The problem is not that Black women won’t be deliriously happy with a Black man…the problem is that there are a lot of Black males walking around, but very few Black men.
Let me say that again….
There are a lot of game playing, lying, misogynistic, self-centered, cheap, cheating, lying, jailbird, no job having, baby momma havin’ Black males walking around aimlessly with no direction and no purpose.
Women, real women, do not want a guy that shows himself to have any of those traits. Whether she finds out right away or 10 years later, when she does she is going to talk shit to him. That’s right, and plenty of it!
Black women are tired of hearing Black men say that we are bitter, or that we alone are responsible for the high numbers of single family homes and fatherless children. We’re not. Not one of those children was conceived without a male’s involvement. Black women are tired of the bullshit, the blaming, the failure of men to step up to take responsibility for the mistakes they’ve made.
We, just like women of other races, deserve to have a decent, loving, committed and honorable man in our arms. We deserve wonderful fathers for our children. We deserve to have respectful Black men be our husbands as well our lovers. Where are these men?
We want a man that makes us proud to be his woman, a Black man that leads by example and holds things down like a man should. Black women have a lot to deal with socially that females of other races do not have – such as high numbers of marriage aged men in prison, the high unemployment rates, undercover gay men, men whose only source of manhood is what’s in their pants and how they use it.
But let’s say that doesn’t apply to you, yet you have a woman that isn’t happy and that complains. You know that you are not the Knight in Shining Armor you were in her eyes when she first got with you. That means you are messing up.
So Brotha, if you don’t want your Black woman to be unhappy, get off your butt and do something about it.
Start with these things:
- Help keep your house clean. You live there too.
- Spend more time actively involved with your woman and/or kids than you do watching television, hanging with your buddies, or on your hobbies.
- Stop cheating on your woman, you knucklehead.
- If you have the urge to hit somebody, go bust one of your boyz upside his head and call him a bitch. Let’s see how that works for you.
- Be a man of honor – if you say you are gonna do something, do it and stop making weak excuses for your shiftlessness and laziness.
- Treat women with respectful courtesy. Even the crackhead prostitute on the corner is somebody’s daughter.
- Do not refer to any woman as a bitch, a slut or a ‘ho or by any other derrogatory name. You are in no position to judge her behavior. Let’s talk about your mother.
- Get your butt off the couch, put down the PlayStation 3 controller and get a job. Any job. If the bills are behind, get two jobs. Show you are trying at least.
- Stay away from Ray Ray, Pope and D-Dog. They ain’t doing nothing sensible with their lives and if you hang out with them, you won’t either.
- Read a couple of books. It won’t kill you.
- Make an effort to learn something new every day. Become a person with more to talk about than work, sports and coochie.
- Listen to your woman – really listen to what she says! Learn what makes her happy, sad, or brings her to tears.
- Most importantly, when your woman voices a complaint about something you do or say (or don’t do or don’t say), you need to pay attention and FIX IT.
- Cuddle up with and read to your kids at night. The memories of those moments will stay with them the rest of their lives.
- Better yet, take them to the library instead of the movies. Expose them to great minds and the world of literature.
- Step up to the plate when you see something that needs your time and attention and take care of it. Don’t wait to be asked.
- Exercise at least 4x per week. It not only helps keep your body sexy, it also reduces your risk of developing diabetes, heart disease and hypertension – three things taking Black men down in droves.
- Get a haircut and spruce yourself up. You did it when you were dating her, right? Don’t stop now!
- Love your woman… tell and show her you love her every day. She needs to hear it and see proof of it as well.
You do even half of this stuff and you won’t hear a peep out of your woman. She will be grinnin like a Cheshire Cat 24/7, and all your buddies will be like DAYUM MAN, WHAT YOU DOIN?
*originally published 9.28.2009
Deborrah
Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.
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Category: Women's Issues
There seems to be quite a bit of bitterness running through some of these blogs posts. There’s nothing wrong with calling people out on their bullshit when it’s warranted, but quite a few of the women on here seem to have no problem at all making blanket statements about all BM, knowing good and well that they don’t like it when BM do the same to them.
Some of you love to talk about how fucked up BM are (and quite a few of us fit that profile), but the same applies to a lot of BW as well. The key for both genders is to not put everybody into one category based on the actions of a few. I don’t like it when statements like this are made about BM or BW.
If only someone here cared about what you liked… oh what a wonderful world you would be living in. But alas, no one does. Sucks for you.
Why is it the black male culture is taught to sink lower and lower from stupid choices? I work with one, age 40-something, (going on 12) wears saggy pants, flaunts his huge chrome wheels, disrespects women and talks as if they are all stupid. The truth is that he is a pathological liar, giving everyone a different story about who he is, how many kids he has, etc. In short, he is a big fake. Well excuse me if I am stupid for ever even associating with this dude, but I am not used to being lied to constantly. He taught me to be more careful in the future.
Now, Tyree seems to be an educated and good man, but it’s only words to me, and I don’t know him (remember I have learned to NOT trust words.)
Also in response to one post, white culture did not set the standards, Jesus taught the standard as it is written in the Bible. It was written to protect people of all colors from the chaos that you see today, the blaming, the aids, lying, and destroyed lives. Matthew, Chapter 7 in the Bible explains how you know people by their fruit. You can tell who a person really is by their ‘fruits.’ That is what they have done in the past-their track record, NOT what they tell you.
In my honest and non-biased opinion, is it predominantly black men who seem to value making self-destructive choices. Is this a tradition they are taught and carrying on? becasue I really don’t get it. I have tried to understand and think it’s sad. Life is very hard for everyone regardless of color and it is a constant battle to learn and grow.
Respect is earned and takes time, it doesn’t just come to you, and not earned by how many touchdowns you make or how many HOs you sleep with. (In my opinion this makes you a worse person, not better.) I would truly like to hear what they have to say.
and another thing WE DONT READ TO OUR KIDS? what type of men have yall been around. I dont want a pat on the back for doing what Im supposed to be doing but damn maybe your just looking in the wrong place for brothas because me and all of the brothas I associate with raise our kids. read to them, spend time with them, go to parent conferences with teachers, coach theyre teams spend all night in emergency when theyre sick. thats fatherhood. shit yall need to stay out of the clubs and off the block and maybe youd find a guy sith some sense. what yall at the county jail waiting till they release brothas meeting them there? stop dogging your own man yall so brainwashed. look inside yourself and see why these are the type of guys that your are attracting.
You are the one who is brainwashed. Get a clue, there are a plethora of black women in this country who are with men like you and the “brothas you associate with” so you need to stop it! Obviously there is a disconnect between what men say they do and what they really do– Why don’t you take heed to your own advice since it is obvious from your posts, what type of women you chase after…
Are you kidding? Im not here to play the blame game but from my prospective( which is bias because I’m a black man) There are many women young black women who have no career paths no education but who are in the club every weekend, but can’t cook nor keep a clean house. women these days are so dependent on a man or a relationship to make them happy therefore you as a black man meet a bunch of women who dont feel complete without a man. Im an educated brother from South Central L.A. so I have no shortage of street knowledge. I don’t make tons of money but I make decent money. I think the media and pop culture has black women gassed up looking for a meal ticket from a man so the reason they talk shit and seem bitter is because they are bitter and feel like they deserve to receive more than they are able to provide themselves. Don’t get me started. and undercover gay? right Im sure theres alot of this bull shit going on but do you know how many everyday black women are bi sexual? way too many so it goes both ways . know your facts before you start writing bullshit blog entries.
The one who sounds angry and bitter here is YOU! Since Black women are graduating from college at the rate of 2 to 1 over Black men, it is shocking that you say you meet so many young black women with no career path. I also think you don’t understand how love works. A woman wants to be loved by her man, to have a family home and children and there is nothing wrong with being “dependent on a man” for those things to happen. What you Black men want is to have all the things YOU want women to provide you like sex, cooking and maid services, while you don’t give a woman shit in return.
I think you are one of those typical brothas that has an education maybe, but you still hold onto hood ghetto values, so you prefer to get with women that have long nails and a phat ass, but nothing else to offer. Then you want to come on a website and bitch about the poor choices in women you’ve made! All these gay black men in and out of prison, on the down low spreading AIDS like wildfire to Black women, and you want to complain about gay women? Women wouldn’t be gay if men got their shit together and learned how to sexually satisfy them, okay? If a woman wants an orgasm these days from sex, she has a lot better chance of getting it from another female than a self centered male.
Lastly, if you don’t like what is posted on this site, stay your ass off it. You don’t have the power nor the heat to tell me what to do chump. I do what I want to do, say what I want to say, the way I want to say it, as loud and as obnoxiously and as angrily and as often as I damn well please. That’s what happens when you pay the cost to be the boss. You ain’t the boss of nobody here son. This here is ALL ME.
You are %100 right sister. I’m not saying I am not a typical brother. What Im saying is that typical in the sense that I use it is not a bad thing. Look I cook, clean, and expect nothing more from a women than I can provide for myself.But see thats the problem I have with todays sisters. They are looking for someone to swing through and provide them with something that they cant provide themselves. I grew up watching the cosby show not leave it to beaver so I cherish a woman who can balance family and career, not a women who settles for the county money she gets and the favors her body gets her. Now I in no way am making a blanket statement because there is nothing more precious to me than a black women. I have a mother, daughter, sister, and ex wife whom I love dearly. Im just saying there is always two sides to a coin, and until we stopp playing the blame game and look at ourselves in the mirror none of this bullshit will change in our community. Lots of young women grow up without fathers so they dont know what to look for in a man, and boys grow up without a father so it takes them longer to mature into real men so like I said it goes both ways. I like that your a strong educated women, probably the type of women I should meet to give me a different prospective on these issues. I appreciate your point of view. God Bless.
NO. Women, Black Women in particular have long since taken the blame for all that is wrong with the “black community” and society in general. The onus is on the male side at this point. The onus is on black males to stand up and be responsible, accountable men who accept their roles in the destruction of black love, their blame and their privilege that they have long since taken for granted–and start doing the work that it takes to make things right. PERIOD POINT BLANK. Until that happens, you will continue to see articles by women for women to stand up and fall back–to pull away from unsatisfying relationships.
Tyree Perkins: “I’m not saying I am not a typical brother….Look I cook, clean, and expect nothing more from a women than I can provide for myself…I have a mother, daughter, sister, and ex wife whom I love dearly. “
How come these men who claim to be so ‘different’, they cook, clean, and they are not like the typical brother, yet they have an ex-wife. If they were so great, why did their marriage fail? If they were so different, why are they single and have such a ‘problem with today’s sisters? Why can’t they get and keep a woman happy? Because they are only as ‘different in their own heads’. In fact, they are the typical guy, they just can’t see it, nor want to admit it. But every dude likes to think of himself as atypical.. He’s always ‘not like all the rest. *shrugs* figures.
I think it was very telling when you made this statement: “Lots of young women grow up without fathers so they don’t know what to look for in a man, and boys grow up without a father so it takes them longer to mature into real men so like I said it goes both ways.”
The common thread is that the girls have no father and the boys have no father….and how is that possible? Because the black man has left the equation. Not the black woman….9 times out of 10, she’s there….carrying the load. The guy gets to jet and do whatever the hell he pleases.
To fix the problem that you so eloquently revealed is that the men need to stay and help raise the children that they’ve created then girls will know what to look for in a man and boys will mature into real men.
I noticed none of “the brothas” came over to comment on this one. I wonder why? They don’t WANT to read with their kids, do anywhere near half the work of a household and many black women have NOT required it of them. They expect black woman to just fall all over ourselves because they are present and have these supposed magical black guy genitals. My fiance does all this list and more and I am a happy woman. I am willing to do the same for him because I KNOW he loves me as his equal and not an a inferior being who needs to “let” him be a man. Either you are or you aren’t a man, “brothas”.
Co-sign what you said 100%. I have never experienced this mentality from a man who was not African American. And I have dated African men. It’s so sad but true.
They love to tell Black women that we don’t have the right to want anything in a man that we don’t have already, yet the same men will advertise their wealth (if they have any) to non-Black women in hopes that they will be willing to sleep with them for their money. *Holds up right hand to form an L*
I wonder if they think we should reject men who don’t have vaginas too? Lol. The cold hard truth about MOST Black men is that they only want equality with Black women when it concerns money. They don’t want equal RESPONSIBILITY for anything… EVER!
These black “males: ain’t gonna do this stuff. It requires WORK, COMMITMENT , EFFORT,CONSISTENCY and TIME. Unfortunately these breh, ain’t got time or gumption to step up to the plate and behave like this. It’s far easer for them to blame the black woman, and say ‘she’s the problem. It’s far easier for them to engage in behaviors that land them behind ‘bars’, rather than using their brains to ‘raise the bar’. It’s sad but so true.