Why Do Black Men Always Ask Me if I Go to Church?

| 01/25/2012 | Comments (2)

Dear Deborrah:
I am writing to you for dating advice because I have heard your podcasts. I have difficulties getting dates with Black men and wonder what to do about it.

The first question they all ask me is if I go to church. When I say no my chances with them become nil. They just walk away without a word or start preaching to me on how to be a good woman. Men of other ethnicities often show interest in me and I never get this approach from them.

The situation has become so noticeable that my mother has even told me to go to church to meet men and stop going once I have a solid relationship (I’m still shocked by this bit of advice). I really want to get at least a few dates from Black men… men of my own race, but this happens every single time. What do you suggest?

No Church for Me

Dear No Church:
Hahaha! What a load of bullshit!

Girl, there are no straight single men in church of marriageable age!  Those that are there are either old, too young, stupid, ugly, broke, criminals fresh out of prison on parole, 12 step drug addicts or drunks, or gay men that prefer other men to you. Men go to church when they are broken or feel in need of something they don’t believe they have the ability to provide themselves. Most men have more ego and pride in themselves than that, which is why they would not be caught dead up in church, taking orders from another man (the Pastor). It’s gay.

Show your mother my article The Black Church: How Black Churches Keep African American Women Single and Lonely; it, along with about a dozen others, can be found under the tab THE BLACK CHURCH on the top navigation bar of this website. She needs a reality check.

Now let me break down the game involved with the seemingly innocent question:  “Do you go to church?”

Black men know that the majority of Black women pride themselves on their church-going, Jesus praising, Bible thumping ways. All of the women with the Jesus praising, Bible thumping mentality think alike. ALL OF THEM. Therefore, a man getting with one of them is no challenge at all, its like shooting fish in a barrel! The men ask you if you go to church because if you DO, they know how to manipulate you to get what they want very easily. By participating in the Group Think involved in being a Black church going woman, you would be extremely and easily controllable. These guys know that a few “praise Jesus” and “Amen” peppered through their conversation will motivate most of them church Sistahs legs to part like The Red Sea!

This is the sole reason they walk away – they know your mind is clear and your brain untainted by the rhetoric and dogma of the local preacher. You are too much of a challenge and would require some work. These brothas ain’t trying to do some WORK to get a woman, they want things to be easy. They also want a woman that they can easily dominate. The guys you’ve been meeting want to be able to position themselves to label you as “good” or “bad” which places them in a position to yank your chain and control your self-esteem. It means that you have given them power over your emotions because you care about getting their approval.

When you don’t care what they think, they know they have no power and no influence over your thinking or behavior.

On the other hand, if you were to say that you DO go to church, they will know they can easily manipulate you into turning your power over to them.

That is when the bullshit begins, and most will come out with some kinda dream weaving conversation about they are considering maybe possibly sometime in the future settling down and getting married. All church women hear is “marry…in…future” and nothing in between.  So by dropping that little seed, he has her nose in a ring and can lead her down the “wifely submission” trail, even though she is not their wife and they know they have no intention of marrying her or anyone else.

You can turn this game around by doing the preemptive strike. As soon as you meet a man, give your name and ask him what his church home is.  He will either give you a response, or he will start stuttering and stammering about he doesn’t really go to church. If he answers affirmatively, make a joke and ask him if he is a “CME” (that means he goes to church on Christmas, Mother’s Day and Easter in case you aren’t familiar with that phrase), or if he is an active member of his church.

Whatever he says, tell him you know some folks that go there and you are going to ask them if they know him. Do not give him their names. Tell him that you don’t want him to be able to tell them to cover for him. Set his ass up so that he is afraid to lie to you. You will then know if he really goes to church, how often, if he participates in various church committees, or if he is just a dog out to get some easy church Sistah pussy.


Tell your Mom you will NEVER go to church because there is nothing there for you but nonsense. Go to sports bars, games, learn to play golf or tennis, join a gym where guys play basketball, or make your presence known in classy happy hour spots where Black men with jobs hang out in your area.  Go with just one or two friends, do not travel in a pack. Get out of the house and expose yourself to men that are about something. Do not allow men to get your number on the street, at the car wash, at the gas station, at the laundromat – none of those “holla” style pick ups that low class Black men like to do.

But really, the best thing you can do is not to ever worry about a man’s paint job, and instead focus on the qualities of the man. Pay more attention to who he is on the inside, how he communicates and shares with you, how he responds to and treats you, and how he responds to and treats women in general. Those are the only things that count as important in long-term relationships, the behaviors and attitudes that will make you feel happy and satisfied to be a man’s partner.

After all, if Black men knew what they were doing in relationships and marriages, the divorce rate amongst African Americans married for the first time would not be at 70%.

Follow these suggestions and you’ll be just fine.


The exciting new book The Black Church – Where Women Pray and Men Prey contains dozens of real-life stories of sexual abuse by Pastors, Ministers, Bishops, and church members, along with astute observations about the games being run on women in Black churches across the nation. Based on the shocking 2010 blog post The Black Church: How Black Churches Keep African American Women Single and Lonely! author Deborrah Cooper continues an uncomfortable examination of Christian religion in the black community, non-biblical Support independent publishing: Buy this book on Lulu.tenets of the prosperity gospel, and the games played by unscrupulous black preachers. It’s a page turner, but not everyone will have the stomach for it. Some women are afraid of what they might find when they pull back the curtain, and aren’t willing to question their blind faith in the men of their church. Neither are some able to understand that they must stop worshiping their pastors because these men are NOT God. However, for those women brave enough to question their religious leaders, willing to take a look at what is going on at their churches, and strong enough to demand protection from predatory men for women and children within the walls of the House of God, this book is right on time.


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Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.

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Category: Dating Advice, The Black Church

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  1. Zeh1 says:

    Deborrah, you just need to quit.  Seriously.  You are the most bigoted, judgmental person I have ever heard write an article.  You are an angry, misguided, self-important woman with a spirit of anti-christ, giving terrible advise.  What a joke.

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