Why Do Men Think Everything Women Do Is About Them?

| 05/04/2012 | Comments (2)

Having an interesting discussion with a group of youngish guys (under 40), about women and dating. I was explaining that women need to slow down and not allow men to dictate the speed of a relationship; the males are on a quest to rush to physical intimacy but because the woman is the one most likely to be hurt, she must slow things down. I advocated that a woman take her time getting to know a guy, dating him, talking on the phone, asking lots of questions, assessing his answers – all with the goal of determining if he is someone that should be in her life in an intimate way. My guideline was that a woman do all this over a series of at least 10 dates.

Well the guys turned that around to women playing games. They accused women of waiting for sex to see if men would stick around, of manipulating them with sex,  of using some arbitrary number before she gave it up that had nothing to do with reality because he could still leave anyway, blah blah blah. They quickly turned around a message meant to help women navigate relationships in a manner that would protect their hearts and bodies into an attack on males and their penis. In reality, the minimum of 10 dates guidelines is about helping women, and has NOTHING TO DO WITH MEN AND THEIR DICKS.

Let me be very clear here: the example given of 10 dates is a guideline, not a rule! A woman might decide she is comfortable enough to sleep with a guy in six dates dates, or it may take her 13 dates to develop a level of trust. Ten dates is just a guideline to demonstrate that the bar should be set higher before physical intimacy becomes involved in dating.Too many women involve themselves physically first, then get emotionally attached to someone they should not have given the time of day to.

These are the women that write me after they have sex to ask how they can find out from him what is going on… they wonder how he feels when they should have asked those questions BEFORE having sex.

These are the women cry, wonder why he won’t call her back, that are shocked to find out after sleeping with him that he is married or has some woman pregnant or has five felonies or five children or has a boyfriend.

These are the women that are crushed, devastated, feel used and tricked after having sex when they should have taken their time and done more vetting of the men they date on the front end before dropping them panties.

Most of the time the men you meet won’t make it to date number 10… they are lucky if they make it to three! It’s important that you ask lots of questions and really LISTEN to the answers given. Sometimes he will say or do something so stupid, so bizarre, so ridiculous that you know in an instant that you will never see him again.Other times even though you’ve spent time with him and he is fun and nice, you see that there is nothing really going on of a romantic nature, so you stop dating him because it’s pointless. And sometimes you will learn things about him that let you know you two aren’t as compatible as you’d hoped because you two have vastly different morals, values or life goals.

The important thing is that you utilize your dating time with focus and intelligence. Connect the dots ladies. If his stories aren’t quite adding up, don’t make excuses for it because that means there is some lying or hiding of facts going on.  If there are inconsistencies, he doesn’t want to answer questions, he gives bullshit defensive answers to direct questions that should be yes or no, or he is in any way dodgy or ratchet, you need to question him about those issues. Be prepared to get rid of him if he is not forthcoming. That dude is playing games and is not what you want to align yourself with. He should be moved over to the reject pile, then back to the drawing board you go.

But the good stuff takes place when after every date you feel closer to him and can’t wait to see him again! When each date leaves you more delighted with him than the last, you find yourself thinking about him when you two are not together, and everything you hear about him lets you know what a smart, together man of honor he is, how big his heart is, how well respected he is in his community or at his job – odds are very high that you have a keeper.

Does dating a man a minimum of 10 times before involving sex guarantee a long-term committed relationship and a ring? Of course not! All it does is give you the opportunity to determine who it is you are about to let have access to your internal organs and reproductive system. Sex is not just sex when it can jack up your body so badly that you can never have children, disfigure you with herpes or genital warts, or even kill you.


There must be a return to good, old-fashioned dating. You must expect a guy to take you out while you two spend time talking and getting to know each other. Some guy coming to your house to watch a movie in silence is not a date. You two going to the movies to watch a movie in silence is not a date. Going to a club to dance and party is fun, but that is not a great early date either. You need to be in environments where you can COMMUNICATE, and that is done best when you can have 1-on-1 conversation.

Men must start thinking about other people and their feelings and needs in any potential relationship. A woman choosing not to have sex on your schedule is not rejecting YOU, she is protecting herself FROM you. Her decision to delay intimacy is about HER. She has to determine if you as you present yourself are a man capable of and willing to meet her emotional, psychological, and sexual needs. When a male should dare think that a woman taking care of herself emotionally is nothing but an attempt to manipulate and control him, it demonstrates that he is narcissistic and extremely self-centered.

A man with that type of mindset is focused on his own desires and doesn’t care about what works best for you, which means he is no one you should bother about anyway.

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Deborrah

Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.

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Category: Date Smarter, Not Harder

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  1. eLLe85 says:

    Another good one, excellent advice as always!

  2. Razzy says:

    What a wonderful article that should be put on blast to every woman and man in the dating world.  Most definitely to teenagers.
     
    A woman thinks clearly Before sex, a man does not.  After sex, a woman’s thoughts are unclear, while a man’s mind is clear as crystal.  This is why women should delay sex and keep a clear mind that serves her best interest.  Any dude who pressures a woman into sex then puts her down for not giving in to him when she clearly feels uncomfortable is trifling.  A relationship is not built solely on sex. And women have every right to give themselves ‘time’ to see if the dude is ‘relationship material.  Anyone can have sex, but not everyone can have a successful relationship.

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