Why Do Women Fall Out of Love?

| 01/28/2011 | Comments (10)

Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
My name is Benjamin. I’m 20 years old, and for the last 4 months I’ve been in my first relationship. Her name is Elizabeth, and she’s 21.

A week ago she told me that she wasn’t happy, and she hasn’t been for over a month. The same night she hinted at a break-up. I’ve done some things to make her mad in the past. When she would be angry with me, I tended to avoid the conflict and not talk about it.

I don’t want to break up. This past week I’ve devoted all of my time and attention to sharing my feelings, exploring our conflicts, and working on improving how I handle myself in rough situations. However, she won’t forgive me and won’t give me a chance because she doesn’t believe that I can change my ways.

I know that I’ve made some huge improvements in myself over the past week, and I believe without a doubt that things will get better.

How can I prove to her that I have become a better partner, and that we can make things magical again if she’ll give me a chance? Or is it just too little, too late, and I get what I deserve?

Thank you so much for your advice.

Learning From Experience

Dear Learning:
Men are always shocked when women reach the breaking point and are through.


Because many men do not understand that every hurtful thing you do, every lie you tell, every time you make promises and don’t keep them, every time you ignore or dismiss or discount your woman’s  ideas or thoughts, every time you yell at her or call her a name, every time she needs you and you abandon her, she falls a little bit out of love with you.

And when she reaches the point where she is through and has no more to give, then there is no coming back and there is no more chance for you to get. You have used them all Benjamin by doing what you wanted to do and not treating your woman with the respect and consideration she deserved to have.

You may say you didn’t want to break up, but by ignoring her when you two had conflict and acting like what she was angry about was SO UNIMPORTANT that it didn’t deserve a second of your time or energy, you were SHOWING HER by your behavior that you didn’t give a damn.

And when you don’t give a damn about what your woman feels, then you are telling her that you don’t need or want her and that she doesn’t matter to you. Any woman that would stay with a man that treated her like that is (1) desperate or (2) a fool. Elizabeth isn’t either of those things so she has moved on.

Chin up Bennie Boy. Everyone makes mistakes and screws up at one time or another, and we rarely get a second chance … a “do-over”… no matter how much we want one.  That is why we must honor and treat our partners with tender care 100% of the time while we are in a relationship them.

Remember, having someone in your life that loves you is a blessing. Some people live their entire lives and never experience romantic love.  Isn’t that sad? Such love is truly a gift that should never be taken for granted or treated shabbily. This is an excellent life lesson for you to learn at such an early age so you don’t waste years of your life being a stupid man.

Now that you understand that there are (surprise!) more people in the relationship than just YOU, perhaps next time you will be that better partner you’ve been practicing on being this week from day one.

And if you are that man consistently over a period of months and years (not just for a few days), you would have the opportunity to develop a very happy, loving relationship with a great girl.

But you aren’t gonna have that relationship with Elizabeth because you seriously fucked up and she is done with your ass.

Accept it and let’s move on.

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Dating expert and advice columnist since 1993, writing as Ms. HeartBeat. Author of the hilarious street smart dating guide "Sucka Free Love - How to Avoid Dating The Dumb, The Deceitful, The Dastardly, The Dysfunctional & The Deranged."

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  1. Razzy says:

    @SilentBro You and lyndon need to stop blaming the victim with that tired old women choose these men’ mantra.  Don’t no woman willfully choose to be with a knucklehead dude.  And let’s get real. Men audition for the part too.  You act like women have a crystal ball and can tell going everything there is to know about a man, the good, bad and the ugly. We all know that ain’t true.  Men can and do lie and can get away with it, and unless a woman hires a PI, she ain’t gonna know anything he doesn’t want her to know. Case in point, The Boston Craiglist killer. That dude had everyone fooled that he was an upstanding medical student and he running around getting ass and killing women.  
    People are like onions, they show themselves in layers. And who you are with today, may not be who you are with months or years down the line. People change, not always for the better.  And sometimes they change for the worse and the person you are dating/married has revealed him/herself to be someone you realize that you don’t want to live with.  These so called good men always like to paint men in one dimension as if all men are either good like they think they are, or they are these thugs they see on TV and that 99.9%of women gravitate towards drug slinging beat a beeyatch upside the head thugs.  In fact that is NOT TRUE. 
    Most women don’t.  The majority of women date and marry regular everyday guys, ,not the thug loves you see depicted on TV, and believe it or not, these so called regular ‘good guys’ have a dark side, and that is who these women are divorcing and leaving.  In fact I wouldnt be surprised if both you and Lyndon have done some trifling shit that has driven some woman away.  And its not up for you to decide what the breaking point is, it’s the woman.
    A man ‘forgetting to call’ all the time, is as sinister as a man hiding a baby, because both behaviors involve selfishness and deception.  
    Men always try to defend and take on a dismissive attitude when it comes to them fully owning up to the mess they do when women leave them.

  2. Francis says:

    I’ve had my heart broken than anyone I believe. I’ve only had 1 gf in my life, and she also broke my heart. I am married now, but it took my wife 10 years for me to trust her in any sort of way, emotionally, physically, mentally, verbally, etc.. The only thing I learned from women are that emotionally and mentally weak. They can’t handle stress, they can’t handle lies, they can’t even handle the truth. My wife is the only one I trust that fact that she passed all my test throughout the ten years. Women, as soon as they see another opportunity with another man, most will take it. Disgusting! No will power of any patience to stick it through thick and thin. You want to go dating, here’s a few tips. If they say I love you, they want something out of you, they ask you a question..it’s a double edged sword that will bite you back after two-three months. They make a mistake they expect you to be calm about it, you make a mistake they throw a fit, or become vengeful (Note: Emotionally Weak). All they care about is how much a guy can take care of them, yet who will take care of the guy. Then after you die, they are not even willing to stick it up by not marrying someone else. Most men I know don’t even date after their wife passes, they stay true to their word and die a single man beside their wife. I only trust one gal, that’s my wife, all the other women who I see attractive, or even look at me. Not worthy of my time, if they are interested, their loyalty, and will power has to be tested.

    • eLLe85 says:

      Sorry but you sound like a man with a plethora of issues starting with insecurity and working down the list. I feel for your wife and pray you seek the help you need to heal yourself.

    • Raz says:

      Dude… you need professional help seriously.. Run go get it.

  3. SilentBro says:

    What did he do originally to make her mad? Was it forgetting to call or something more sinister like cheating or hiding a baby. If it was the former he is young and you can attribute that to lack of knowledge but if it was the latter then he has more problems than just communication or sensitivity.

  4. Lyndon says:

    I agree men are primarily at fault. I wasn’t necessarily talking about marriage. But I would say that many folk marry having no clue who the other person is. So many secrests are kept from the spouse going into marriage that once the “audition” is over and the real person emerges things fall apart.

    Many women are so busy auditioning for a part, they neglect to see a man’s flaws. His issues don’t and won’t disappear.

  5. Lyndon says:

    My question is why women NEVER “fall out of love” with the guy that treats her like crap?

    He’s never comitted, he’s only shown spurts of care and concern… He pretty much has his way. Many women will stop their world to be with him. Why is that?

    • The fact that you use the word NEVER when I know that statistics show that women file 75% of the divorces in this country proves that your theory is wrong. Women may take longer to give up on love but they do give up and move on.

      The questions you ask would be better asked to men.

      Men, why do you never commit to women that love you, that you live with, that you marry and have children with?
      Men, why do you only show spurts of care and concern to the women that love you?
      Men, why do you insist on having your way and treating women callously?
      Men, why do you not place the appropriate value on the caring and affection and devotion a woman has for you?

      Why is that?

      Lyndon, you are asking these questions of the wrong person. The ones fucking up relationships with disheartening coldness, cruelty and abusive behavior is men.

      • SilentBro says:

        We lead in many statistics and they all point to an even more dismal future. THe majority (70%) of babies born to single women, majority of kids raised in single headed households, we have higher or highest rates of STD’s, HIV, incarceration, criminal behavior, crime victims, drop outs, low test results, college graduation, etc. Our divided households still produce children but they are unsupported children living in dysfunctionality.

        Men definitely do what you detailed but it is not in a vacuum. Men are raised and conditioned to do that. Its socialized almost as the norm now. As a matter of fact as Lydon pointed out women choose these men and sacrifice any and everything to stay with them. These men you described are ultimately rewarded for their behavior. We can’t change the outcome until we change the teachings and the incentives.

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