I’m a Woman But I Want a Wife Too!
My man and I were talking about marriage one day. He has this vision that women are dying to get married and that getting married is the culmination of a dream. In his mind every Black woman is so anxious to be somebody’s wife that a woman over 30 is depressed if she doesn’t have a husband. He thinks a Black man with a job and no prison record is a damn pot of gold at the end of a rainbow.
I laughed in his face, and told him that I had no intention of marrying him or any other damn man. Marriage was not and never will be on my list of priorities. Why buy the pig when you can get the sausage for free?
So I told my man that if I should ever get married, I want a wife too dammit! Sheeeitt, who wouldn’t want someone cooking, cleaning, serving them like a KANG, balancing the checkbook, paying the bills, and even packing my suitcase for a trip with my boys even though I ain’t taken her on a vacation in years.
I want a wife too! Someone doing your laundry, changing the sheets on the bed every week, shopping and making sure she gets my favorite shit, picking up my shit at the dry cleaner and drug store and jumping around trying to make me and some damn kids happy all the time.
I want a wife too! Someone to serve me while I sit on my ass and watch sports all day so she can bring me chips and sandwiches and go to the store for me when I run out of beer.
I want a wife too! Take my dog to the vet for me, buy my clothes and replace my holey socks and underwear. Take the kids to the doctor and sit up with them all night when they are sick cause I’m too busy I gotta work. Wife works too, but that’s irrelevant.
I want a wife too! Someone to worry about keeping my dick hard with lingerie and sex tricks she read about in a magazine while all I do is complain that the sex ain’t exciting and I’m bored with her pussy so I am gonna go tap some new ass. You didn’t jump high enough or through enough hoops or suck hard enough or often enough for me so I am entitled to step out on you.
I want a wife too! Someone that will pick up the slack when I decide I wanna be a lazy ass and not do dishes or vacuum or help with the kids I went in half on. I might decide I want to quit my job for a few months or years.
It’s great being the husband cause you don’t do shit but the lawn every week or two. And if you live in a condo, you don’t even have to do THAT.
See, that’s why want a wife too.
Deborrah
Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.
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Category: Women's Issues
When a woman says ‘she wants a wife’ it gets me kinda ‘worried’ because isnt that POLYGAMY if literal…..? I believe some women who work COULD get someone to take care of the house or pay her to. My mom did and we didnt have that much money growing up…it actually made me a little ‘messy’ since mom wasnt a good housekeeper..she was a good cook and kept it not as messy
@zipporah Its not meant to be taken literally. This is a figurative portrayal of the work women do in marriages, the uneven burden placed on females to support and give to the family, cook, clean, nurture, squire around, listen to, care for, etc. While all men do is go to work and come home. The life of the husband is pretty easy and doesn’t change much from when he was single. Studies actually say that the male workload DECREASES when married, whereas the woman’s INCREASES. Ergo, I want a wife too!
I wouldn’t say the majority of marriages are as described above. I haven’t met a lot of women who would do a man’s laundry, clean up after a man, and cook without a fight. Yeah there are some men who want these things in a wife, but any man who has been on more than a few dates, has probably realized that most women just aren’t going to do these things. Which I can understand and don’t have a problem with.
None of my male friends who are married are happy to be married. From what I hear, most wives use sex as a bargaining tool, to get what they want, and complain nonstop about everything. Sounds like a nightmare to me. I think overall people get married without putting too much thought into it. Women who don’t want to do all the cooking cleaning laundry etc. shouldn’t marry a man who expects that.
If I were ever going to get married, which probably won”t happen, unless I happen to get a woman pregnant, which also is pretty unlikely. I’d have to first live with the woman for a while, also we’d have to have a serious discussion about what each of us wants and expects out of marriage. I’d also try to talk to men and women who are married, and get their honest opinion on marriage and it’s pitfalls. Marriage isn’t easy to get out of, if a relationship isn’t working, you call it quits and that’s that, not so with marriage. Statistically more marriages fail than last. I don’t really see any benefit in getting married, other than maybe joint filing for taxes, which I can do without.
Totally disagree with your perception of black men wanting a woman to work and to take care of his kids and hers. That is your opinion and you cannot back that up with any facts. For the most part black men who have kids are not the sole custody that is the baby mother. The kids might visit from time to time but for the most part they live with their mother while he pays child support.. Now of course there are exceptions but I would guess 90 to 95 percent of the time the woman has custody of the children.
The article was written from the perspective of ANY woman, not just Black women. It also referenced a couple that lives together or is already married, but the wife plays the flunky while the husband/boyfriend sits on his ass. So all the yang you are talking is all off topic.
i meant this reply for trixie i guess wrote it in the wrong column. Sorry about that ms thang.
Hartwell….you keep taking snippets of what I post to respond to without comprehending the whole message or context of THIS article.
This is NOT about black women outearning black men. This is NOT about whether or not a black man expects his new wife to take care of his children by another or several other women. What it IS about is women — specifically black women who may not be excited about marriage because of the unbalanced contribution they usually have to make within marriage. Hence, the title of the article, “I’m a woman, but I want a wife too.”
Hear! Hear Deborrah! My mother used to say this all the time and I saw her doing most of the things in this article every day while my father……worked…..some times. Reason #1 why I knew as a child that marriage wasn’t for me.
The author’s attitude about marriage is the one shared by the majority of Black women and that’s exactly why so few black women are married. I’m tired off hearing about, “those poor unmarried Black women.” You all are single because you want to be single, your single parents overwhelmingly because you want to be single parents and most of you wouldn’t want it any other way. I also think that Black women are what the future looks like for the rest of society. As not only women decline to get married, but men as well, the rest of America will begin to look more and more like Black communities. And that has its pros and cons. You know if some institution does work for people, then they will simply choose not to participate in it. People need to move on from that old tired “American Dream thing with a couple and kids in a suburb with a picket white fence.” That does not work for Black folk and increasingly not for White folk either. It’s O.K. to not be married, or not be a residential father.
I agree. The only people dying to be married are gays.
But again, that is not true for everyone. A lot of women (and men) prefer and choose to be single–meaning by themselves–but not everyone. Speaking for women like myself, some of us don’t mind being single, but we also don’t mind having quality relationships with men. It’s not a question of wanting to be single as much as NOT wanting to put up with bull shit. And some black women do want marriage BUT we want to be seen and respected as full human beings, not automatons or stepford wives only here for everyone else’s benefit except our own. Who in their right mind would choose to sign up for that? No one with sense, only the most thoroughly brain-washed. So we want healthy, committed relationships where we have the option of being happy too. It ain’t just about the “man” and it is about time everyone else realizes that, so yes, I hope in that sense–that Society does follow the path of the Black woman–and wakes the HELL UP. We are always spearheading shit, this ain’t no different.
“PREACH!” “AMEN”
Hold up….wait. WAIT! I believe that lots of black women still want to be married. There are just many, myself included that have the ability to survive without marrying any ‘ole man, just to say that you are married.
Marriage, in my opinion, is a lifelong commitment and not something to enter into lightly. Stating that one is single because they want to be is very simplistic and almost accusatory. I’ll just leave it at that. And, bringing up the single parenting thing is muddying the issue. We are talking about marriage NOT the single parent rate within the black community which is admittedly very high. However, let’s flip it. Why are so many men –specifically black men willing to impregnate a woman and then walk away and not marry that woman? Hmmmm….probably selfish shortsightedness. So, it goes both ways.
Back on topic though, although not everyone wants to be married, there are still alot of us that would like to be. In my opinion, marriage is essential to building a strong, healthy black community. However, the key is to find a partner that shares your views on life principles, etc… That may be where there is the rub. We’ve evolved and the old way of wife stays home while the man works just doesn’t work nowadays. Chances are both parties will need to work in order to survive which is fine.
But, most men still want to act like back in the day when the woman stayed home and it was her job to take care of the home, him, and the kids. Shoot! If I have to get out and grind and bring in 50% of the household income –probably more since black women are outearning men in some instances, they are looking for men that will meet them halfway by sharing responsibilities.
Until that happens and men stop being Cave Men….”SHEEETT!”, many black woman are saying, “PASS ME DON’T ASK ME” about marriage.
Trixie for the most part black women almost always had to work simply because blacks mostly were kept out of good jobs due to racism and jim crow laws. Black men had to take menial jobs mostly bell hops, drivers, dishwasher while black women were cleaning white people homes as maids etc. Sure their were some black women that stayed home but mostly that was an exception not the rule. The stay at home mom mostly applies to white women as white men had the good money making jobs and he flew around the world sticking his penius into anything and everything including having affairs with the black maids. Fast forward to 2011 and things are only slightly better if you want to called it that. Any black man or black woman who has a good job or any job are mostly employed by whites. And with this rampant unemployment amongst black men and women and all these companies downsizing well guess what? Just because you are the breadwinner now don’t mean you will be the breadwinner a year or two down the road.
Hartwell, all due respect, but I’m unclear about what issue you’re addressing to my post. I wasn’t talking about black women outearning black men or being the primary breadwinner, I was talking about how many black women are opting out of marriage to black men because black men haven’t evolved in their perception of what a wife should be in 2011.
True, many black women have always had to work outside of the home due to Jim Crow laws , etc… However, in 2011, many men –black men included are still wanting a model of marriage where the woman cooks,cleans, takes care of Ray Ray and his kids from another woman, and their kids together, yet the man STILL expects her to work outside the home and “submit” to him. All this to have a husband? Woman are not buying into this any longer because they don’t have to.
I disagree with you Trixie when you write that it is simplistic and accusatory for me to write “Black women are single because they want to be single.” If Black women wanted to be married it would be as simple as them deciding not to grant sex to men unless they were married, as sex-obsessed as Black men generally happen to be. I don’t know what’s accusatory about writing that people are single because they want to be. You’ve probably been brainwashed into believing that wanting to be single is selfish by society. My grandmother use to tell me I was selfish because I told her repeatedly that I did not want to be married or have children. I’m just speculating as to why you wrote that. The single parenthood thing I brought up was for clarifying my point with another example of black women generally define themselves. I’ve NEVER heard of a case where a Black man put a gun up to some Black woman’s head and said,”Woman, your going to have that baby.” So, Black women of their own volition decide to become single parents. That’s why that 70% of Black children born out of wedlock isn’t such a bad thing. Black folk WANT it that way!! Just like 70% of Black women are either over weight or obese. Black women WANT to be “thick”, they think it’s SEXY! Why you ask are so many Black men willing to impregnate a woman & then walk away & not marry. Well, your right, some of that is shortsightedness and selfishness. Some of it is also not liking the baby’s momma to begin with, except for wanting sex. Some of that is NOT having wanted to be a father in the first place. Women have the right to terminate unwanted pregnancies since 1973. Oh, wow, that’s about the same time when Black men started psychologically-terminating unwanted pregnancies. What a coincidence! Marriage doesn’t WORK for Black men Trixie, they know that, so don’t bother. Marriage being essential to building strong, healthy, Black communities. Good marriages maybe, but considering some 70% of our marriages end in divorce, is it really worth taking the risk? I oscillate day to day on this, but unless you share the same characteristics of the Obamas or your rich like Jay-Zee and Beyonce, I think not. ORDINARY BLACK PEOPLE SHOULD NOT BOTHER!! Marriage is for White people or share the characteristics of out of the ordinary Black people like the Obamas.
Bless your heart, Blackcaesar! You are certainly entitled to your opinion about marriage. If you don’t want to be married, I applaud you. However, I still believe in it, even though many others may not.
And, to your point that marriage doesn’t work for black men and that’s why they don’t bother. To that, I say, the world is a big place with many races and ethnicities. I love myself some black men, but I’ll never, EVER exclude a man of another race to marry, if we are compatible on the things that matter to build a strong relationship.
One last thing, I’m single. I can assure you that I haven’t been brainwashed into believing that it’s selfish to be single. I am a grown azz woman with a brain, mortgage, 401k, opinion, and preferences. I formulate my view of the world, not what someone else tells me about it.