Why Men Hate Dating Single Mothers
With divorce rates in the U.S. hovering at the 50% mark, and more children than ever being raised by one parent, the possibility that a man will run across a single Mom are very high. But many men are hesitant to date a woman with children, and have a long list of reasons they feel such a relationship is more trouble than it’s worth. Recognizing their fears though, single Moms can approach the dating arena armed with knowledge and ready to deal with a man’s fears about a ready made family head on.
Here are the top 10 reasons men shy away from serious involvements with single mothers:
(1) You Just Can’t Get Away. You are tied down and can’t just scamper off for spur-of-the-moment romantic dinners, spontaneous plays or concerts, or midnight breakfasts. Spur-of-the-moment overnight get-aways are out of the question. You have to get a babysitter. You have to make plans in advance. And if you can’t find a sitter, or your budget won’t allow you to hire one, his desire for a romantic evening or weekend with you goes up in a puff of disappointed smoke.
(2) You Have Children by Numerous Guys. Most guys accept the fact that our society has changed and that divorce, long-term cohabitation, and just plain carelessness means that there are many women with children in the dating pool. Dealing with one guy about his child or children is usually not much of a problem. However, the chances of “baby daddy drama” increase substantially the more personalities there are involved in the new relationship. Men may stick around for awhile for the convenience such a relationship offers, but few are looking to “wife up” a woman that has that much baggage.
(3) Your Children Are Too Old. Tim is a 33 year old computer technician in San Jose. He won’t date a woman that has children over the age of 8. Tim drew the line after he got hit with that “I don’t have to listen to you ’cause you ain’t my daddy anyway” line one time too many. He acknowledges that many women make the mistake of telling their young sons that they are “the man of the house,” something the young boy may take great pride in. The son will thus challenge any contender to the throne and his power in the household. So for Tim, unless the children are relatively young, he doesn’t want to be bothered. 
(4) Your Children Are Too Young. At the other end of the spectrum are men that are run off by a child that is TOO young, like nursery or preschool age. Small children are very Mommy-oriented and require a lot of assistance with everything from bathing to eating. They also require constant watchful attention for their own protection and safety. A man that feels he comes in a distant second to your children may not be so thrilled with the situation and choose instead to date a woman that has more time and energy to expend on him.
(5) “Are You My New Daddy?” Smart men know that little children get easily attached to people they have fun with. But guys don’t want to deal with that emotional quagmire. Should he decide that you two aren’t quite right for each other, he is afraid of breaking your innocent child’s heart. Many men therefore shy away from heavy involvements with single mothers, and put up roadblocks or shy away from meeting or spending any time with a single Moms children.
(6) He’s a Lover, Not a Fighter. Realistically,after a breakup or divorce, children are usually pretty negative about some new person coming into Mommy or Daddy’s life. It ruins their fantasy of the parents getting back together. They may even feel that this new guy is “taking you away” and lash out, behaving in a manner so rude and horrible that you are embarrassed to be his or her mother! Your new beau is not so attached to you yet that he wants to put the energy into developing a relationship with any child who sees him as the enemy.
(continued on page 2 below)
Deborrah
Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.
Follow Me:
Category: Society and Culture
@Jake wow
@Mickey
Sir I think you need to shut it. I personally hate categorical statements such as you have made. I have certainly made a shitload of mistakes, but I learned from them all, and I wouldn’t be who I am today if I hadn’t taken that path. I’m a single mom, and my kids had to go through some stuff, and some of it was my fault. They’re great, responsible and smart, even though I have not much inclination to tell you that. What we’ve learned, is to be resilient, how to pick yourself up and make today better than yesterday, your future better than your past. Because we’ve all been through sad, hard times, I know that it makes us understand empathy and emotional maturity, which you, sir, could learn something about.
@Shell
You nailed it Shell. I’m the hero of my own story.
@xyengineer
I just have to say that it was awesome to read your post. I work really, really hard and it really made me feel fabulous that you appreciate those qualities in your relationship.
I have 3 chiildren, but 2 are older and self-sufficient. I still have a 14 year old at home, and he’s great. Last year, though, my sister passed away, and I inherited her 8 year old little boy who has Cerebral Palsy. He’s a great kid! But he’s still in diapers and he doesn’t talk. Raising him has changed our lives, but we feel the value from doing it, knowing that we’ve made such a huge difference in his life not being institutionalized.
I was a Single Parent scholarship recipient, and graduated with my bachelor’s last year. I tell men on the first date about my new kid. It’s always sparked conversation, ( : but I’ve never had anyone not want to date me because of my nephew.
I guess my main problem is, being that I’m 43, I think I’m carrying baggage with me. I’m extremely cautious about believing that people are who they seem to be. I would be an idiot not to be; I’ve been deceived so many times. Even though i think I’m smart, though, if a person persists long enough, then I start to break down and believe that they’re genuine, when they may not be. I have had problems with being defensive and flipping out on men I’ve dated, when I believed it was warranted. I don’t know how to allow myself to become emotionally vested without ending up very hurt. And yes….please go easy on me I know I have issues.
@Theo3773
You hid the nail on the head. I have tried to be contrary to the cliche that all men are dogs and are no good. With every relationship, I try to treat women like true Queens and that they are special, desired, cared for, cherished, wanted, loved, adored and admired. I am extremely well-mannered and well-groomed to them and always a gentleman, but many women see this as “too nice” or “too weak.” Trust me, as a US Marine Staff Non Commissioned Officer, weak is not in my vocabulary. I have never and never will drink, smoke, deal in or use illicit drugs, use or abuse women. I have never been and have no desire to be a thug, gang banger, criminal, nor speak with vainglory street language. I speak with, carry myself and dress as someone with character, class, and maturity, never wear over-sized clothes and pants beneath my buttocks. I don’t party or hang in clubs, plus I am a man of the Lord, but still I am not perfect. I have never been married and have no children. The Lord has blessed me financially with many benefits, but none of this brings about appreciation by a woman. They all adore the abusive, good for nothing, “bad boys” who have no education, and for the ones who did manage to graduate high school, have done nothing since. I witnessed many quality women who allow such males into their lives only to become abused, neglected, depreciated, impregnated and abandoned, but they continue to remain loyal to such males and even end up having additional children by them only to have the process continue, then all of a sudden, ALL MEN ARE LABELED AS “NO GOOD DOGS.” I convey to these women, “NO MA’AM.., ALL MEN YOU ALLOWED AND ALLOW IN YOUR LIFE ARE DOGS.” You have no one to blame for your lowing your self-esteem and standards for such males, but yourself. Women cheat on the same caliber as men who cheat. I have tried so much to find a decent woman within my age range, but have been unsuccessful; this is why I now date women younger than I am and do not mind dating a woman with a child, but no more than two children; however, even such single parents are often challenging to deal with because many act like they have something to bring to the table and have the nerve to make demands and be nasty about it, so I do not bother with them. I have tried so arduously to remain a decent and good man, but am seriously thinking about treating women the way these “bad boys” treat them, but right now, I can not find it within my character to do as such, so I rather remain single.
topaz627 jackal2012 That`s why prostitution should be legalized.
Here is the number one problem with dating a single mom. YOUR not the daddy. Get that straight right off the bat. This is primarily the main reason for the frustrations and headaches that men go through with any single mom. I’ve been together with a single mom now for over 10 painful years, Yes…call me an idiot. Every year I hope & prey that things will change and our communication will get better. But you know what, it never will. I’ve realized that people will never change what’s inside of them. If their not considerate, respectful, honest, loving & caring people from the get go, they never will be. The single mom i’m living with has a son who is now 22 years of age. He’s lazy, disrespectful, liar, thief, drug user & seller, steals from both his mom & myself at any chance he can get and even stole money out of our 2 year old sons piggy bank. Here’s the problem, single mothers are the primary enablers of such kids. She continues to allow him to live under our roof even though I have pleaded with her to walk him out the front door and let his real father deal with his shady & drug abusing lifestyle. But instead she continues to pay for his gas, his food, he pays no rent, no utilities, does no chores and listens to no rules we set forth in the house. I have tried and tried to talk to this woman and convince her that removing him from our home will allow a better outcome for our 2 year old. The catch 22 in this situation is that we have a 2 year together and leaving her because she will not get rid of the main problem in our house, her 22 year old son. Me leaving this situation would put me on the outside of a relationship with my own biological son. It’s a sad and depressing position to be. The stress & frustration has put a major strain and wall up between our relationship, heck we don’t have sex anymore because were so at odds with each other. The tension and disappointment have just pushed us away further and further each year. The problem with most single mother’s is the simple fact that they do not know how to let go and let their children become a responsible independent individual. They tend to cottle the children and never allow them to face life’s challenges on their own. They don’t want them to fall down and have to get back up, they want them to win a trophy even if they came in last place. I know they love them to know end, but some of these single mothers are doing more damage than good by babying these kids well into their late teen years. It’s unfortunate, but I’m at a loss here and stuck in a single mom’s Bermuda triangle. What is one to do in this situation? What would you do? I’m open for suggestions & advise.
@Synthetic_Idea Tough situation. Personally I would not deal with it but I don’t have a 2 year old. I left a situation similar to this for less. My Stepdaughter would was 14 when we married, hardly spoke to me, never had any chores and told me that she only wanted it to be her and the Mother. I literally begged my Ex to talk to her but this never happened. She was not a bad person. She did go to College and graduate. Just the lack of respect, Especially when I pay the bills. Her mothers reasoning was that she would move out. Guess what……She and her mom still live together and she is 23. I agree that the parents are the enablers. My sons mom coddles him at 26. He still lives at home. Personally, I would move out and get a court order for visitation. You may be able to get custody if you feel this 22 year old may be a negative influence. In the long run, It is better than living miserable and disrespected.
You are in a situation that demands swift and decisive action sir.
#1 check with a family law attorney in your county. You have a great chance to leave with full custody of your son. Right now he is in an environment that is not only stressful, it is dangerous for the entire family.
#2 Honestly convey the behaviors of the woman, her resistance to providing a safe environment for the two year old, and all the facts about the eldest son. If he has an arrest record or has done time in prison, dropped out of school, or done anything questionable, bring that to the attention of your attorney.
#3 Courts are leaning towards men these days in custody cases, in birth control for women (pay for Viagra but not for abortions and birth control?), and in removing women’s rights to even control their own bodies. I would say you have a good chance of getting custody of your child..
So no need to sit there wringing your hands crying woe is me. Also, no need to say “WOMEN” don’t know how to let go of their children, when in reality it is just one woman you are talking about – your woman who won’t let go of a grown man.
Seems Strange, 20 years old, caucasion, , pregnant with her #3rd, Child 1 White the other mixed race she’s not married,, not sure of the Father, on Welfare WIC, and Assistance from the County +taxpayers, constantly drinking and driving in her little Nissan with a Doughnut and 3 bald tires. Won’t listen to anyone at any time, wears the same clothing constantly…What can We Do?
I am a professional, educated guy. My kids are grown and I prefer to date women without kids. It is too much responsibility sometimes. I was married to a woman who had a teen child and it was not a good experience. The daughter preferred for it to be her and her mom so I gave in. The mother did not have that conversation about respect. I also dated a woman that had a 6 and 8 year old. They were out of control! LOL. However, some women without kids and are in their 30’s plus do seem to be self centered and selfish. It is like a catch 22. I just met someone who has an 8, 13 and 17 year old. That’s a lot of responsibility! She seems like a nice person so I am seeing how it goes. I am open because most people are all about seeing what they can get and running a game. I’ve decided that if she is a good woman and the kids are under control than I will keep an open mind.
@Darltk “I’ve decided that if she is a good woman and the kids are under control then I will keep an open mind”.
Well that’s all you can do… See how it goes. My brother married a woman with kids and he is very happy.
@Razzy Thanks Razzy. I have been really trying to think of the positives and negatives. Seeing that my kids are 26 and 28, I am starting to think differently. She can hardly ever go anyway. I guess that is something that should also be considered. Finances such as college also have to be taken into consideration. I will have to think deeply about this.
@Razzy I am wondering if more than one is too much since my children are grown.
I’ve read most of the posts on the forum and I appreciate and respect everyones opinion on the subject. However, I must admit it is a little disturbing when some guys have commented about their past experiences with single moms and they are immediately attacked and insulted by a few users. That being said, I don’t have any children but do have experience dating women who do. The region where I live has a very high rate of single moms so when I actually come across a woman without kids its like I hit the lotto. I have no problem dating a woman with kids because its just reality, but if she has more than one I refuse to go down that path. Before I get attacked for saying that let me explain. I know their are several circumstances which can result in a woman being a single parent and many may be outside of her control. However many are in her control and being that I’ve have been pretty responsible in my personal(sex) life I’m looking for the same in a woman I date. Also, I would like to have a couple of kids so if she already has two or more that would be too many. I’ll close by saying many single moms that I have encountered have not learned from there past mistakes, regarding the type of men they talk to. It’s like they activity seek out guys that disrespect them and don’t know how to handle being respected. Of course this isn’t true for all single moms. One kid is Kool but more than one is asking a lot in my opinion, after all I don’t have any.
I’m a mother of 4 with one divorce and another in the thinking…..and I totally agree! XD
With all due respect towards this article, I am a 40 year old woman who is educated and working to better herself, has married only once with NO KIDS. All I can say is while all fingers are pointed at the women, let’s put this subject on the flip side.. which is a TWO-WAY street. There are some MEN out here in the exact same position and with that said how do you all think women who are in positions like myself feel??? Just making a solid point…
@YolondaRTaylor So very true…My 40 yr old male cousin has 9 kids from different women and I still can see how he still manages to get laid….
@YolondaRTaylor The difference is that the women usually have custody of the children, while the men are occasional parents on alternating weekends. Men still have plenty of time to establish and maintain relationships, sometimes with more than one woman at the same time while STILL BEING A DADDY. That isn’t the case for the woman, unless she is not the custodial parent.
With the majority of children in baby momma or divorces living with their mothers, this article holds much more validity and is much more useful to women than talking about the mere 5% of men that have full-time custody of their children. However, we love to run articles of quality here that other people write. So if you feel that strongly about anything you read on this website, feel free to write at least 500 words about it and submit it using the Contact Us link above.
@YolondaRTaylor Valid point. However, the percentage of men with custody of their kids is low. Since most woman have custody, this is a regular situation with men.
You know I don’t know if this is wrong of me or not, maybe you all can help me on this one. But, most single black women have never been married in the first place right? O.K., so I think to myself about these women, “What kind of knucklehead would get themselves into the position where they are solely responsible for the well-being of children? Didn’t they know how difficult it would be as a single parent. They certainly could not have good judgement. My sister, my mother, and all the women in my family were smart enough to recruit, for lack of a better word, the help/resources of the father of their children and got married to them to boot. What’s wrong with these women who seem unable to similarly “corral in” a man or better yet, a husband.” I’ve got this male best-friend who has SOLE custody of two children (one of whom is not even his biologically) from this trifling white woman who cheated on him prior to him deciding to move to Indiana with her and having their biological child. Now, he tells me that he never gets a day off, even when he has days off from work. All I think is “that’s what you get for not breaking up with that chick when you found out she cheated on you.” I mean dude is my best bud from childhood, but talk about POOR judgement!
Women do not corral in a husband. Even when a woman is married, there are many reasons a man will cheat, or leave on his own accord. Sometimes there is abuse, drugs or other addictions, babies out of wedlock with other women, down low issues, and repeated adultery that drive a couple apart. There was no plan to raise the child or children alone, but shit happens, ya know?
It’s nice that the females in your family have men that are (at the time of writing) still with their wives. But you could wake up tomorrow and that be a different story. That is how relationships go – no one has control over what another person does.
Now someone that intentionally goes into a situation with someone that they aren’t really with and who shows no signs of being an interested father… well, I don’t know what to say about that choice. To me that is what abortion clinics are for, but some women really don’t want to have an abortion and would rather struggle along for 20 years trying to support and raise a child they cannot afford.
I am a single mom of two & no one that I’ve came across so far as been turned off by me having kids. I actually look for men who have experience with children & who are self-reliant & if they have kids of their own they have to have a good relationship with them to keep my interest. I guess you just need to know how to pick them. I also have no drama with my children’s father & a set vistation schedule that allows me to have some free time every week & every other weekend. I thank therapy, counseling, &, parenting classes for that.
Sadly, not all “baby daddy’s” do what they are suppose to. I date a single mother, I can’t stand how the child’s father can’t handle his own business. He can’t go a day with his child without bothering the mother. She had to get an OOP and now he goes the route of the grandmother and best friend. He doesn’t want to give up more custody bc he doesn’t want to pay child support.
Checklists are nice, but they don’t always work out in the dating world. As much as a 20 or 30yr old man would love to find a stable, single woman without a child, it isn’t always an option. It “seems” that a lot of good, stable attractive, date-able woman have actually been in long-term relationships and have had children in those relationships. I have met many attractive, single woman that just aren’t date-able. They “seem” to have a screw loose. Which might explain why they have been able to stay single and attractive so often and so long.
Please note: I put “seem” in quotes because it’s just my opinion. I am talking ab the majority. Not the special case scenario. I have heard that the Blue Whale is not extinct and some Irish are actually sober.
I am a successful single mother, ie great career and working on Master’s degree. I have found on the dating scene that it is difficult to find a man who is not intimidated by the fact that I have two children. I guess I look at these sites to remain open-minded and not to get bitter. I know that every man I date will be different and how they act will be different. I know it is difficult for someone to come into our lives. I do not let my children meet any man unless the relationship is getting serious, though I tell every man I date that I am a single mother. It is hard and I almost feel ‘tainted’ over it. My children are my priority. I am only in my 20s though so I would like to date. It’s just difficult and I see how it is difficult from both ends.
That is one of the chief reasons for this article really, to explain to women how the situation is perceived from the other side. Some guys are just very fearful of the unknown, and if a woman knows WHY, she may be able to allay his fears and have a very nice relationship. But you can’t do anything to help him see the light if you don’t know what it is he is hesitant about.
Not only that, women have to be very careful when they have young children because there are a lot of crazies out here that are child molesters. They intentionally seek out women with children in their target age group. Even if you have sons, that is no protection because just as many little boys are raped as little girls these days.