Why “Nice” Guys Suck and Women Don’t Want You!
In the world of male/female romantic relationships, females do the choosing. Women respond most positively to men that exhibit specific behavioral attitudes and qualities. Nice guys feel that women should choose them. Wrong! Let me tell you why guys perceived to be “too nice” get passed over for exciting guys with a bad boy edge.
There are many men that feel they are a “nice guy” and that women are crazy to pass them over. Well, I have some news for you dudes.
Nobody cares that you are “nice.”
See, the problem is that “nice” guys put themselves on some sort of pedestal. Nice guys like to think they are superior to other men, that they are better at relationships, and that by virtue of their “niceness” are more deserving of a woman’s romantic attentions.
From experience I can tell you that “nice” guys are not as nice as they like to think. Most “nice guys” are whiney, close-minded, judgmental, spineless, controlling, and weak. Women do not like weak, whiney, judgmental men. Ergo, women do not like “nice” guys.
Women want MEN – decisive, action oriented, determined, aggressive. Sadly, sometimes that comes bundled with a liar and a cheat which is what the “nice” guys point to and the reason they say women are crazy.
But who said that every woman SHOULD want a “nice” guy? Who made that a law? Why do “nice” guys condemn women for choosing thrill seeking, impulsive men with a bad boy edge? In other words, choices that exclude “nice” guys?
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Deborrah
Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.
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Category: Men's Issues
Once upon a time, I was a teenage amateur boxer, standing 6’1″ 185 lbs with dark brown hair and fair skin; I had success with some girls. Then I returned to University and studied Litterature; I got fatter (up to 215 lbs); I had success with some maids/young women. While in University, I also became a Navy Reserve Officer (I live in Canada) and went on the West Coast (Victoria) for military training; I had success with some women (I think at that point I was becoming a little more attractive, because I was a man in uniform and/or had turned 30 and was maturing; at the same time I got at my lifetime fattest! lol). Today I’m a professional translator in Quebec City and I VERY seriously strength train (I’m now 43 and 6’1″ 255 lbs and enter strongman competitions; I’m balding and my temples are greying); I have been living with my wife for 8 years… and I still attract some women, older or younger (although I don’t cheat!). The point I want to make is that most men attract some girls/women all the time (of course, the age of mates creeps up with time). I’ve always felt I was most attractive when I quit worrying!
Bad boy alpha male sure will be controlling, dominant and more likely to kick your ass if you are not obedient wife. Why you are saying contradictions? Nice guys aren’t weak and controlling, they respect women opinions and freedom of choice. And don’t stereotype that they are boring, no they can be very strong and interesting people.
Bad boys and aggressive types are preferred because of stone age instincts that are deceptive – pure and simple.
I have read a lot of comments. I am a 22 years old male but i am so confused. I never had a relationship nor sex and i feel i am that “nice guy”, but that’s mostly because the real me is so agressive that i hate it. I don’t want others to see that. I am suffering each day and struggle with my thoughs. I am obsessed with sex but i know that ain’t right but i can’t get my head of it and even if i try when i hear others talking about sex or women i get so dsappointed and i compare myself to the other men…It’s like hell. The psychiatrist told me that i have bipolar disorder and gave me pills. I have taken them for some time but i stopped on my own because they were stupifying me. I try to find the ANSWER. I supress my obsession about women. I don’t look at them on the street, but i can’t help it. Noone cares and i have realised that i am the only one who can change this and realizing this hurts so much because i am so weak from this long-term suffering that i can’t help myself. Psychologists cost a lot of money. I have tried that too for one year but it didn’t help. They are just bla bla. I feel they don’t understand me. Could you please give me some advice about the obsession and the deep frustration and despair i feel?
Carlosvc92 You like a whole lot of other men really have no clue what turns a woman on and makes her attracted to you. the simple fact that you think women want ‘jerks’ proves this. No mature, sensible woman is attracted to a jerk. And let’s be real, many men don’t present themselves as ‘jerks’ from the outset. That is something women discover about them as they are getting to know them. People reveal themselves in layers.
Also men like you tend to describe women between the ages of 18 and 25, which is what you guys tend to pursue. Those are young girls who are out there having fun. They are not ready to settle down anymore than a dude would be in that age bracket. So why you expect them to be all ready for marriage and motherhood when they are still on the cusp between girl and womanhood is beyond me.
Women 30 and older who are ready for marriage, and maybe children are not out there looking for ‘jerks’.
Also most men don’t have self confidence. Most so called nice guys have low self esteem, lack any type of charisma, and show very little self confidence. They do not display traits to attract a woman. You think a woman is supposed to want you because you THINK you are nice, but your ‘niceness’ is your description of yourself, it doesn’t mean a woman will be drawn to you. Women want men they are attracted to just like men do. A man can be sexy, confident, charismatic, assertive, bold, dynamic, and still be kind, wonderful, courteous, fun loving, and not be a jerk.
I don’t know why men like you see in this one dimensional way. You think a man who is successful with women is that way because he is a jerk, and every woman who doesn’t want you, wants a jerk. That’s what you tell yourself to satisfy your bruised ego. Maybe young girls who aren’t ready to settle down maybe like that, as are young guys and even older guys who will bypass a not so hot woman, while panting after anything with tis, and azz and a pretty face, regardless of what she is like on the inside. But see men don’t want to talk about how they are easily lead around by their ‘little men’ They want to always make it seem like when a woman rejects them, she wants a jerk. And that attitude alone, is why women don’t want you.
Guys that are “good guys” cheat and lie every day dude. You don’t get a woman because you think you deserve her. Women are not pieces of candy on a shelf. Women are either attracted to you as a man, or they are not. So there is no need to complain about it. You just didn’t turn her on, and the other guy did. That’s why she was with him. He excited her and you didn’t. Shrug. It all worked out for the best, don’t you think? Now you have the woman of your dreams and you are right where you should be.
Carlosvc92 “I used to have the qualities of a nice guy and was whiney”
Again, young, silly and stupid. Who said nice= whiney? Wow….How in the hell do you equate being ‘whiney’ with being nice. Dude you are DUMB!
Carlosvc92 you sound young and stupid and immature with this advice You don’t even know what a nice guy is nor do you have any concept of what a confident guy is. You have no clue as to what ‘mature grown women find attractive in a man. You sound as though you didn’t even bother to read this article and comprehend it. This article must have struck a nerve as you’ve had so much to say on it. You need to grow up,, get some reading comprehension and critical thinking skills and get yourself (and your own experiences out of the way. Read and understand for knowledge instead of being so defensive. Your example which you called ‘good’ and the example you use to show the characteristics of a nice guy being agreeable to everything a woman says shows how stupid this is. And that you have no clue. Nobody wants someone without a thought, brain or opinion in their head. And being ‘nice’ doesn’t= being a doormat. At the same time, nobody wants a controlling jerk who doesn’t listen or considers anyone’s opinion or thoughts but their own. Like I said, you come off as young, learning disabled or both. Either way, you show you have no clue that you comprehend what the article is saying.
What happens that ‘nice’ guys are passive/AGGRESSIVE. There is a term for that kind of behavior; they could drive women bonkers in a not so good way and try to control her. My bro in law is like this and my stepdaughter went out with guys like this.(they had to get therapy for it) They are nice as friends, but when you get too close to them, they think they ‘own’ you but wouldn’t or cant protect you when someone may try to hurt you. Mr ‘bad boy’ may be BAD but when you are with ‘him’ he will at least not let anyone else harm you for the time being. OTOH Mr bad boy is the worst cause he may have 7 babymamas etc.
@zipporah In that case, there should be another term for them, I’ve always thought a nice guy was a respectful gentleman that girls rejected a lot.
Lol, I used to be a nice guy, but women didn’t like me, so I have become a douche, some people dislike me now, but at least I get more pussy than before, suckers!
@Carlosvc92 You were always a douchebag. A guy who has decent values, who respects and likes women doesn’t have to become a douche in order for a woman to like them. Women want guys who are charismatic, sexy, attractive and confident. Who have that aura that women find attractive. That doesn’t mean a man has to be a douche anymore than it means a woman has to be a ‘ho’ (men’s term) for having those same qualities that attract and draw men to her. But silly stupid dudes will say silly stupid things to soothe their fragile egos.
I’ll bet you ain’t had no pussy since pussy had you.
LOL, I disagree, most women, even if it’s unintentional, like jerks and douches because they are manlier than a nice guy, because they dominate, I am more douchy now and I have gotten laid more than before, I don’t abuse women but I am more assertive and a little ruder, perhaps what most people would call a dick,
I can be nice to but if you are nice to women, they put you in the friend zone, so you gotta be assertive, and tell me, how was I a douchebag always???
I was nice but women told me that they didn’t want to date me because I was their really nice friend. It’s the truth and you know very well that it is how dating goes. Get your facts straight.
@Carlosvc92 – You have no idea what ‘most women want’ YOu only know about the women you’ve kicked it with and that certainly ain’t ‘most women’. A woman who has her act together and has a healthy self esteem is not interested in a douchebag. Silly immature low self esteem having women will take any type of male because they only value themselves based on a male. Besides, you ain’t even talking about a relationship you are only talking about women you’ve slept with.
Dude, that aint nothing. You know how easy it is for a woman to get dick? Women walk down the street and men are always hollaring at her. So all this bragging you are doing talking about being assertive, you don’t even know what that is. All you are interested in is getting laid and it doesn’t take much to do that.
But from your comments you rank way down on the totem pole as a male for a woman to pick as a serious partner. But if she just want to screw you and go on about her business, then that’s about all you’re good for and it doesn’t take mad skills to do that with low self esteem women, or women who just want to screw too.
@Razzy @Carlosvc92 Just like Tiger Woods, only good for hitting his balls around. Not capable of having a relationship.
@PatFinley @Carlosvc92
Hahahaha! Exactly! Getting sex does not = relationship!
@Razzy I agree with you to some extent, I can’t generalize about all women because I do not know every single woman in the world, but I know a lot of women don’t like guys who treat them well, seriously, if what you say was 100% legitimate, nice guys wouldn’t be used for favors and stuff, and jerks wouldn’t finish first all the time, you know it’s true because we all know a lot of girls would rather be mistreated, and then complain to the nice guys that all men are the same.
@Razzy @PatFinley
I makes a difference to me to some extent because I used to not get any women, only got a few gfs who saw me as just a friend early in the relationship.
@PatFinley @Razzy
Lol, did you read anything else I said??
My point is, when I was a nice to women they saw me as their friend maybe even thought I was gay, so there has been a change after I became for of a dick. Get it??
@PatFinley Have you even read anything I’ve typed?? The main point is that when I was nice to women, they didn’t like me, and I have become more assertive and pretty much a dick and I’ve gotten some more girls. Even if it’s just sex it still counts, because nice guys don’t even get that. In life you gotta go after what you want, You gotta go get it because it will not come at you.
@Carlosvc92
You need to tune into Ms. Heartbeat’s blog talk show .See the link below. You sound like a young immature dude who has never been in a real relationship. Only young silly dudes think that girls like jerks and that being a jerk matters. Real mature men don’t think this way. Getting laid does not= relationship. Hookers and pimps get laid. The reason you were not getting women interested in you was not because you were a ‘nice guy’. But rather than grow up and look at yourself and analyze your ways, you do like a lot of dudes who play follow the leader. You repeat crap you’ve heard some other dude say and accept it as gospel.
You act as though you’re entitled to a woman just because you want one so if a woman doesn’t return your interest, you throw a tantrum and act like a jerk and then claim women respond. No fool they don’t and the only ones who do are silly broads or maybe women who only want sex just like you but they don’t take you seriously as a person they would want to have a relationship with.
Plenty of women get put into the ‘friend zone’ by men they have the hots for. That doesn’t mean that woman has to change who she is because she is mad that guy didn’t want her.She just moves on. Your comments merely proves that you can’t handle rejection from the few women you’ve wanted to date that didn’t want to date you and that was probably less than 10 women, certainly not a majority of women. Since your personality is so weak that you have to become a jerk because you can’t handle rejection, that has nothing to do with the woman and everything to do with you… grow up dude.
@Carlosvc92 Women do like guys who treat them well. Your problem is you are expecting pussy or wanting a woman to want you because you’ve done something nice for her. No woman wants to be treated like a prostitute dude. “I took you to the movies, out to eat, now where is the sex you owe me”. That’s your attitude and women see right through that. You can’t make the woman you want be attracted to you no matter how much you do for her. She’s either attracted or not. You put yourself in the friend zone because you don’t have any kind of charisma when it comes to women. And while you may be getting laid now it is still not with the woman you really want. Just someone you settled for. Tune into her show
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/askheartbeat/2012/06/25/dating-single-black-men–confident-or-dominant
@Carlosvc92 @PatFinley “Even if it’s just sex it still counts, because nice guys don’t even get that’.”
First of all carlos92 Stop speaking in the plural. Just say, YOU weren’t getting any sex. I know plenty of ‘nice confident men who get boned every night of the week and 2x on Sundays. So you are not ‘nice guys’ you are just carlos a silly immature dude who doesn’t know what it means to be a man. You were a horny dude who wasn’t getting any sex from the women you wanted. You didn’t want a relationship with them you just wanted sex. Maybe those women didn’t want to be used like that favors for sex. If all you wanted was sex, you could have just paid a hooker and called it a day. Not once have I read you mention that you were looking for a genuine relationship with a woman. All you’ve talked about is ‘getting women’ and ‘sexing women’. That’s been your focus. You can get a call girl for that and stop treating the women you know like potential ‘hos’ trading favors (you give) in exchange for sex.
@Razzy I guess you win the discussion then, and if having sex gives me better confidence then I’ll do what makes me confident ok? If the shoe fits, wear it.
@Carlosvc92 “If what you say was 100% legitimate, nice guys wouldn’t be used for favors and stuff, and jerks wouldn’t finish first all the time’. ”
This has nothing to do with being ‘nice’ and everything to do with being stupid and dumb and letting yourself be used. Nobody forced you to do favors. And you’re the one who set the expectation in your mind that if you do this ‘favor’ then you might get some pussy out of it’. That’s all on you dude. Women don’t respect men that are henpecked have no backbone and lie down and let hemselves be used, any more than men respect women who behave the same way. ‘Niceness doesn’t come into it. It’s a matter of it’s hard to respect someone when they don’t respect themselves. The more you type, the sillyier you show yourself to be.
A confident person, man or woman will not allow themselves to be ‘used for favors’ in the hopes that they will get something out of it. Stop equating ‘niceness with dumbness.. no wonder you can’t get women.
@Razzy It’s whatever, you know very well you gotta go after what you want, and rejection does hurt, it makes everybody feel unwanted, I will get a relationship but I’m young, I just need to have fun, YOLO! It’s true that I gotta grow up, I’m only 19, so yea even if you are degradingly trying to insult me calling me immature, it’s true I guess I’m not mature enough, I’m only 19, life is pretty much starting for me.
@Razzy Ok, it’s all good, I just know that several girls like jerks, maybe not on purpose, you are probably from another generation, in your 30’s 40’s but I guess your young years were not as messed up as my years. I didn’t live in your young years so I wouldn’t no compared to now, am I right?
@Carlosvc92 “If having sex gives me better confidence then I’ll do whatever makes me confident OK?”
Wow, how weak you sound. You need a woman in order to feel confident within yourself. No wonder women don’t want you or find you attractive. You are a baby still latched onto a woman. You need women more than they need or want you. You can’t even feel like a confident man all on your own without a woman. And your whole definition of confidence is tied to your dick. So sad.
@Carlosvc92
“It’s true I gotta grow up, I’m only 19…”
You need to fix some of your ideas, it doesn’t make sense to be 19 and stupid. Now you’re technically an adult and no time to keep on being stupid. You already know you are acting stupid with dumb ideas about women now fix them and stop being stuck in stupid mode. Yes rejection hurts but if you can’t handle rejection then you are too immature to be dating. Rejection is part of dating, Just like going for a job search. You hand in your resume, maybe go on the interview and you may not get the job, but that doesn’t mean you give up and turn into some sort of crazy person. You pick yourself up and keep job searching. Dating is the same way. A woman doesn’t ‘owe’ you, just because you are interested in her.
@Carlosvc92
“You are probbably from another generation, in your 30’s 40’s but I guess your young years were not as messed up as my years.”
I am in my 20’s about to finish grad school. I have never dated a jerk. Nor am I interested in a jerk and if a guy I was dating started to behave like a jerk, he would be put on NEXT in a quick hurry. My female friends feel the same way. Like I said women with self confidence and a healthy self esteem would never let themselves be treated any kind of way by some dude who called himself a ‘dick and a jerk’. That dude would never stand a chance with us. Too many other men to choose from who are not jerks.
I think there is a fine line between being a jerk and being needy. Nice guys may seem too needy and come across as that. The guys don’t see it, but just catagorize it into ‘being nice’ when it wasn’t because he was nice, but it was in fact something else.
@Carlosvc92 @Razzy Well 19 is pretty young to know what you want. It would help to date alot of women and get to know them and put sex last on the list. This is what is messing things up.
@PatFinley Yes!! being clingy and needy, but see the problem is that several women will confuse niceness with weakness, tell me if you’ve ever heard that before, even if it was once.
@Razzy Ok, what you say may be true, but the phrase nice guys finish last still exists thus making it something that exists, otherwise, the stereotype wouldn’t even exist, something happened and it made nice guys the antagonist for women.
@Razzy We all have our own way of being confident, some girls will feel confident with spray tans and a lot of make up, I don’t care if you think I’m immature or sad, a lot of my confidence comes from my social life.
@Razzy Alright, I guess some guys think being nice is attractive.
@Carlosvc92 “A lot of my confidence comes from my social life”.
That’s understandable and actually most guys derive their confidence based on their success with women. However realize that when you do this, you are giving a woman power to define who you are as a man. Confidence should begin within. So men shouldn’t walk around talking about women are the weaker sex, and they are leaders, when they need women in order to feel good and confident about themselves. I feel good and confident about myself regardless of what my social life is like. I don’t give a man that kind of psychological power over me. I don’t need a man to feel confident about myself. See this is the why women don’t find so called ‘nice guys’ attractive. They are too needy. A confident man exudes confidence when he walks in the room. women are drawn to that. They don’t need a woman in order to feel like a MAN.
So instead of you turning into a jerk, you should look inside and grow up where it counts. Do some soul searching. At 19, you are at the brink of becoming a confident man who commands attention or you could spend the next several years being a whiny baby in a grown man’s body. Have some goals, do things, become successful, accomplishments (and I’m not talking about ‘getting pussy from women) is one way to gain higher self esteem and confidence.
Black men are so busy chasing pussy, they rarely accomplish anything worthwhile for themselves and on their own.
@Carlosvc92 The go with the flow attitude is wimpy to me. I like someone who knows what he likes, and doesn’t like and can be honest about it.
@Razzy Ok thanks, I guess being a douchebag is just the easy way to get confident, I mean it’s not like I abuse women physically or anything, I just call myself a douchebag because I do douchebag stuff, like be an ass, which has its sense of humor on the way I do it, I jokingly am an asshole, you know there is a funny way of being bad. I am not the monster you think I am, I just misbehave around women, and I feel women like my sense of humor because it’s crude xD, I’ve never laid a finger on a girl and if some guy hit a girl, I would kick their asses, the only way I would even think of hitting a girl would be if she like killed my mom or something, I love my mom!! So yes, my douchebag sense of humor gave me confidence and I saw results with the 7 girls I had. I’m not a monster, just a guy with a very messed up sense of humor, that’s why people call me a douchebag.
@PatFinley So you want, someone who straight up tells you he wants you, yeah my problem was that I was nice but maybe too shy so a lot of girls, thought I was just a nice guy in their friend zone, and like I posted, I maybe exaggerated on calling myself a douchebag, I just posted right now that the reason I consider and several people consider me a douche or ass is because I have a very wild and daring sense of humor, and the girls I was with liked my crude humor, after all, laughing is healthy but trust me, my sense of humor is probably what got me girls, before I was just nice but I became more outgoing and my sense of humor would land me in the douchebag category.
iT sure dont–what is gonna happen when you are older? It’s best for boys to remain virgins as well as girls. they seem to have the BEST SEX when virgins marry. girls being virgins means she wont get pregnant cause theyre is no perfect birth control
@zipporah huh?
@Razzy
One more thing, if women like to be treated with such respect then how come nice guys get friendzoned?? And don’t say it’s because nice guys are losers, because women wouldn’t be complaining and getting abused in the first place.
@Carlosvc92 “If women like to be treated with such respect hen how come nice guys get friendzoned?”
Because she ain’t attracted to you dude. C’mon now. A woman has to WANT to be with you dude, just like you have to WANT to be with a woman. The attraction and interest has to be mutual. A woman doesn’t owe you her attention just because you want her. If she ain’t feeling you like that, then accept that you ain’t the one for her and move on. Your being ‘nice’ in and of itself doesn’t guarantee you a woman anymore than a nice girl is guaranteed she will get he man she wants. That’s part of dating.
Stop acting entitled to a woman just because you want one. The reason you are getting friendzoned by the women you want is because you are silly immature and have a messed up funky attitude where women are concerned and they pick up on that. You act like a woman ‘owes’ her time and attention to you just because you are interested in her. No she doesn’t dude. In the world of dating you win some and you lose some, that goes both ways.
Every woman you want is not going to want you back. I swear ya’ll men are so silly and can’t handle rejection! Yet y’all are quick to claim women are the emotional ones. A mature men wouldn’t think that a woman doesn’t want a nice man just because she doesn’t want him. He would shrug and realize that she wasn’t feeling him and then go and find someone who does.
@Carlosvc92 Explain to me what your definition of a ‘nice guy is’. I’m interested in hearing how you define the term ‘nice guy’.
@Razzy Ok, nice guys are nice to everybody but apparently people start using them for favors and favors, that’s why people say being nice gets you nowhere, jerks get more stuff, and not only women, but also jobs and everything.
@Carlosvc92 What does ‘nice guys’ mean. you still haven’t defined it. What is the definition of a nice guy.
@Carlosvc92 “OK nice guys are nice to everybody”
Dude you haven’t even defined the ‘nice guy’ term so how are you going to use it to describe what a nice guy is?” Wow, you lack basic reading skills. you can’t even define a simple phrase and you are 19. Did you even finish high school? That’s like if I asked you what is the definition of a bad guy’ and you would say, ‘A bad guy is bad to everybody,’ or if I asked you what is the definition of a cold drink,, and you said, a ‘cold drink is cold to everyone who drinks it’. Dang!!! Can we say ‘hooked on phonics?”
@Razzy WOW, ok to me, a nice guy is someone who pays attention to everyone’s problems and cares about his friends and everyone. He helps you with your problems, supports you with your decisions, etc. See the idea?
@Carlosvc92 see right there! you just described a pushover not a “nice guy”. Bending over backwards to please others isn’t nice, it’s unhealthy and shows insecurity by finding your self-worth in others. Your their friend, not their psychiatrist, parent, or life coach. You can help and support others, but the fact you feel the need to do that shows how much you lack healthy boundaries. being nice doesn’t mean you have be a captain-save- a-ho type or make sure everyone likes you and is happy,THAT”S NOT YOUR JOB. It’s impossible to do because you can’t please everybody plus it sets you up to be used. you can be a good person and have a healthy sense of balance in relationships.
@topaz627 🙁 I used to be like that but I stopped caring about others and now care about myself more, I always got my friends’ backs though.
@Carlosvc92 You at least acknowledge that your own personal issues kept you single, not women dating “bad boys”. once you fix that, I’m sure you’ll do just fine.