Why Weak Men Want Submissive Women

Question:

Where does BDSM go into on this?

Reading over comments, I'm a little perturbed at the 'One way or the Other' line of thought that seems to be so prevalent.

I have a happy, healthy relationship with my girlfriend. It's not perfect, but we've worked together and have made great strides in our respective careers. Marriage is something of a topic beneath the surface, but that's a mox-nix. We may or may not.

But, asides the point really - We've both made compromises in our personal lives. I quit smoking and cut out some (with hindsight) very bad 'friends' whom I didn't need in my life.

I've gotten her into dancing, made her go easy on the drinking and we've both set up a regular work-out routine for the two of us.

Is the fact she's submitted or even compromised to some things I've asked of her make her a submissive, spineless woman? I have to say, if you honestly believe that to be the case, you're going to sound a little radical.

Now, that's all just IRL, our personal and professional lives out in the day.

As for the bedroom? - She happens to have a kink for light bondage, whips, etc. Mild to Moderate BDSM. And a LOT of women (and even some men) happen to have this kink. They're all 'socialized' brainless drones?

I've only forced my GF into doing something she didn't want to do ONCE due to a mistake, I reconciled and made up for it soon afterwards and felt terrible about it.

Now, I'd also ask you to take two seconds to go actually read up on BDSM - any experienced individual will tell you that it is the SUBMISSIVE who holds the power there, they're the ones who have the power to say NO. To hold the safe word and whether they even wish to partake in it or NOT.

Judging from some of the other comments I've seen on this. - I'd get the idea you all think I'm some sort of serial rapist. At least some individuals would gleefully jump to that conclusion.

Just oei.

Speaking for myself at least, I keep my Bedroom and Professional life private. My girlfriend is able to make her own decisions, and we work together on harder things. (I.E. - One of our larger discussions in marriage (or NOT) is that her company offers a better health package than mine.)

Blagh. - Anyways, Yes I'd agree there are some weak, spineless men out there who pretty much want the fictionalized 'Yes maid.' - Have you watched Hentai or other such things? Good god, they start taking that shit as a fact.

The only other thing I'd ask is that you try to be a bit more subjective. - I don't think you're being inflammatory to promote discussion, some of your comments reek of misandry, on a personal level. If I'm wrong, feel free to cite how and why.

But really, extremism on either end is just cancerous to everyone.

Excellent article and great comments.

As I submissive woman let me tell you that you have got it all wrong, and on so many levels.

male submissive here. I believe that you should definitely put much thought into it. Men are not necesarily very strong. There are us weak men too, the major points i thought about before i went into my relationship were not very different from these points here. I had to first consider whether i should trust Her or not. i thought about whether icould handle it physically, mentally, and emotionally. I honestly dont see a problem with D/s relationships.

Wow – I originally thought that I was reading an article about submissive women (one more of many), as I enjoy getting different viewpoints. Then it became quite clear that what I was really reading is yet another Man bashing article. But unlike the ordinary, run of the mill Man bashing – this one added a new twist – bashing women who actually like Men.

Then – somewhere within the banter it stopped being about women and became about black women. Hmmm … I’m guessing that because I’m “just” a woman and not a “black woman” I probably won’t be given much credit for having my own opinion. Yes that’s right – “my” opinion – not one fed to me by a Man – but rather one I formed all on my own.

I am no longer under the delusions of youth – those days have passed – along with the “idea” of being a “superwoman”. Yes – I’m an intelligent, educated woman and have held powerful positions with many employees. I have put in the hours, made the decisions, both at work and at home. It had its highs and gratifying moments – but at the end of the day – it was lonely. And why shouldn’t it have been? After all – I’m a woman and can do anything a Man can. Well – everything but make me feel like a woman. Instead – I felt like I was spinning my wheels, and I wasn’t happy. I wanted to take care of my home and my family – that is where my heart really lied. But – I was too busy to be bothered to be what I wanted to be (submissive) – instead I was being what “society” was saying I should be (Dominant).

I have witnessed many families (including my own) fall apart because there were too many Chiefs in the household. Families torn apart because it was more important for the woman to have a career and advance in the workplace, instead of doing the one job that was more important than any other – raising their children and taking care of their families.

It amazes me that so many “intelligent” people don’t get it. It’s not easy being a submissive – but it is very rewarding and worth every bit of it. It isn’t about being a “slave” (unless that is your desire) to a Man – it’s about caring, honoring and respecting Him as a Man. The tradeoff can be wonderful – if (like any relationship) you’re with the right Man for you. And if you actually stop and think about it – being a Man isn’t exactly a stroll in the park. When a Man takes on the responsibility of taking care of His woman – He has to be attentive to her needs and provide for her. Is it really so bad that in return He expects to be taken care of as well?

Now don’t get me wrong – there are some men out there that are real jerks and use it as an excuse to be abusive. But ladies – any real Man will tell you – that kind of person is not a man but rather nothing more than a male. Big difference! A real Man does not degrade, denigrate, abuse physically, verbally or emotionally that which He treasures more than anything – His woman and His family. He will take a great deal of pride in having such a wonderful person by His side. He will take great pride in knowing that He is Man enough for her to want to submit to. Not because He tells her to – but because she loves and trusts that He is not only qualified to do it – but is going to do it. (Not an easy thing to find.)

It has been mentioned that Men fear women and that is why they want a submissive woman. I’m sorry – but I think it’s more like women fear being women, and having a Man that is a Man, and that is why they choose to not be submissive. Although I must admit – I do like the definition of submission being love. Perhaps we should expand on that just a little to include honor and respect.

Just as a little closing thought – ladies – if you are so against submission – why do you expect your Men to be submissive to you?

Looik, ladies, it's very, very simple. it's my house, I own it. I'm the one that paid for it with my money.
It's my money. I'm the one who worked for it, not you. Therefore I make the rules. If you want to be in MY house, you follow my rules. It's a privelage for you to be in my house, so don't ever forget that.
If you want to stay in my house, you put my needs and desires first, ok? You DON'T rearrainge my house to suit you, you DON'T tell me what to do in MY house. Show a little gratitude, ok? Remember, you can always be replaced by a younger, hotter model at any given time. I worked very hard to get where I am and what I've got, and no one is going to tell me what to do with it.

I'm on the fence with this one. Althought I agree the video messenger is using the wrong word, i understand where she is trying to go with it. Sidebar...I wear heels when I clean house. I've been doing it since I was 17...it's fun and I do it for myself. I enjoy my sexuality whenever I can. ...

Ok with that said, there is power in a woman's sexuality, in her softness, in her ability to listen, nurture, persuade, be firm yet gentle. There's great power in her tenderness. Often I hear people taking these delicate qualities and mistaking them for subservient behavior.

I look at relationships like I look at business sometimes. Sometimes there's a need for someone to make an executive decision minus other input and sometimes there's a need for partnership and collaboration. Neither way can sustain without respect for the other party(ies) involved.

I have heard for a long time I need to let a man be a man. It took me a very long time to grasp that. I finally realized a few things... A real man, confident man won't have this kind of power struggle with me. I will feel no need to assert myself or to take control over every situation because he will do what he needs to prove he is an equal partner. I will be confident in allowing him to take the wheel at times. He will be mindful and attentive, just as I will. We together will take care of each other's needs, protect each other however the moment assigns it. I will allow him to show me he cares through his tradition (opening up doors, walking on the outside, whatever it may be) and I will allow myself and find pleasure in showing him I care through my own tradition...be it cooking, cleaning, or bringing home the bacon, or whatever.

I'm laughing as I type this because my current relationship to an outside person seems very "submissive". Yet i'm empowered because I know what it took to get to where we are. I am not the arguing type, I am not the jump through hoops to show you what I have to offer type. I don't need to roar to make a statement. After walking out on him with no words...he came to realize I was not being meek or passive but baskin in my feminity and requiring him to appreciate and honor the very thing I love about being a female. I can list all the things he does for me and I do for him that to an outsider would make me look rather weak and incapable of taking care of myself. That's fine... but I think the word she needs use is "love". Love is a selfless act. It looks like submission but it's far more powerful.

We're here to benefit one another... I am not a fan of the "I am woman, hear me roar" mantra nor the infamous "i'm a grown ass man". Within both lies the need to control, the feeling of inferiority, and much room for personal growth.

oh and I am not a holy roller nor big in the church. I am a man who handles his business before anybody starts typing hateful messages.

The only part I do not agree with in this article is the underlying tones of where men are beneath women in everything except physical strength. There are men who have it together and doing the right things just as there are women who do not have anything on the ball at all. The points of the article to me are more on what you believe but this underlying issue of women being that much better than men just because a few men screw up is unacceptable to me.

Submission means 'embracing the traditional roles of women in a relationship?!?' OK - I stopped the video at that. Enuf said. I've heard all that I need to hear of her and it didn't take 60 seconds.

I just stumbled on this site from a link on a message board. First - Thank you Deborah for such a well written piece - it was the only reason I clicked on that video (to reference your article) although admittedly I couldn't stomach much of the video. It's good to know that I'm not the only woman who's skin crawls when hearing the word 'submission.'

I JUST broke up with a man who claimed "I had an opinion for everything." His words were, 'if I wanted us to work I need to let him have the final word ALL THE TIME, let him 'be the man, and stop being so 'opinionated.' Although I'm a very spiritual person I have not (since my adult life) been into organized religion for the simple fact that women have very little voice and are relegated to the background. That was also a thorn of contention between he and I. He felt if I attended church or mosque (he went back and forth from one to the other) that I would know my 'place' more.

He got to the point where he disliked my friendship with a mutual male friend. Now to put our friendship in perspective this man (he now disliked) has always introduced me as his sister, and was the very same man who introduced us. There has NEVER, EVER been anything but friendship between us - as I am friends with both he and his wife. But all of the sudden my new man didn't like me talking to any other men, especially the one who introduced us. Insecure much?!?! (Control issue #1)

He expected me to call him the moment I walked through the door at work - even when I explained I had morning meetings with my boss. I said, I could call you once I get settled and after our meeting (which take about 10-15 minutes) - but that wasn't enough. He wanted me to check-in with him instantly. (Control issue #2)

I walk, almost daily, at a par course that I've walked at for almost 15 years. It is safe, open, and to my knowledge there has never been any violence at this spot. Now all of the sudden my new man has to drive me to this course and each time I round the corner he wants me to acknowledge him as he sits in the car. The moment he doesn't see me come around the corner the arguments start when I get in the car. Didn't I tell you to wave at me when you came by!!! I explained over and over again, I don't need you to follow me every step I make. Nor am I a child that needs to report to you each time I circle the course. Now this was not about safety by any means - it was about me following his rules. If he was that concerned about my safety he would have walked with me. (Control issue #3)

When I came home from work he expected me to 'check-in' with him. If I didn't there was another argument. Yet this same man went home (DC) for the weekend without even telling me, because he was yet again mad at some opinion I had before he left. So although I have to give him play by play of my every movement, in his mind it was perfectly OK for him to leave the state without telling me (Control issue #4)

At first I didn't mind his input on what I wore. Then it got to the point when we went out that he would lay my clothes out for me. If I selected another item - he'd complain about what I chose. (Control issue #5)

He constantly threw up in my face how the female members of his mosque complained that we were 'sinning' because they assumed we were having sex outside of marriage. So to avoid these embarrassing discussions with the members of his faith, he repeatedly told folks we were 'engaged' and that I would soon join his church/mosque. WE never discussed marriage. He said we would get married, but WE never discussed marriage. We had too many issues in my book to even consider marriage - yet HE decided to tell folks we were engaged (Control issue - ah, I'm loosing count there were so many control issues!)

It got to the point where we couldn't maintain a normal conversation. What I consider 'conversing' he considered me being overly opinionated. Why don't you just let me have the last word sometimes - you always have to have some thing to say. I'm like - we're just discussing things - we aren't arguing. This is what normal folks call 'talking.'

If I made a suggestion as to where to take my car for repair, he'd drive it to a completely different spot - just to go against what I asked. Was he paying for the service - naw. And he would lead me to believe that he was taking it where I asked. Heaven forbid I know of a better spot than he did.

I have a house, and he rented his place - yet after meeting his minister this man informed my 'man' that I was a very independent sistah who would probably never sell my house to marry him. And in the eyes of the minister it was the man who should own the house. We argued about that constantly. "I know you'll never sell your house!" Why would I sell my house?!?!? You have none - so it's not like I could move in with him. Tho, I love my house and even if he had a house, I wouldn't jump to move in with him. And in my opinion this was a moot point because he rented and didn't own. WTF do I look like giving up my home on the hopes that one day he could purchase a home for us?!? The fact that I was doing something on my own bothered him to no end.

Before we separated I told him - since you spend so much time with ministers, you need to find you a church woman. One that you can control. One that has no opinion. One that needs your permission on how to dress, where to go, who to talk to, and how long to stay. Why try to convert me when your church is full of women begging to be controlled?

It's amazing now that what he claimed attracted him to me was my strength and intelligence, yet within a matter of months those same 'qualities' became something that drove him crazy.

He really fooled me. He seemed so balanced in the beginning. We often spoke of what we could do 'together' - yet the more time we spent together the more I realized he was looking for a robot that he could wind up on command. Some one that needed to be directed on every aspect of her life. One that lived to submit.

A healthy relationship is about what TWO individuals can do together. It's certainly not about one aimlessly following another without question. I was NOT threatened about what he accomplished and I truly resented him being so controlling and threatened about what I have done.

So he's gone now - and thank the Lord (his and mine). I pray that he has found that woman that he can lead around and never tries to contact me or enter my life again. The world is full of plenty of women who pray for a man like him. To me he was a nightmare that couldn't tolerate any independent thought or action from a woman.

Me - I'm fine! I know I'll have no problem finding a real, confident brotha that will appreciate all I have to offer. A man that doesn't believe my strength is his weakness. Someone who is looking for a healthy union.

Thanks for writing this. I am an 'ex' holy roller, so believe me when I say you are right on! Women birth the world. We GIVE BIRTH to men. How on earth can we be inferior? Please wake up brothers. Our ancestors were MADE to submit to the white man's religion, and he really created a monster! QUESTION these beliefs that were beaten into our ancestor's heads. YOU HAVE A CHOICE.

We black women do have the money, the education, and the strength. Why on earth would we submit to men who don't have it together? I can tell you from experience that 90%of men don't. I am sure some ill evolved brother will come with: "that's why you ain't got no man!" "ain't no man gonna want you". Whatever. Understand that we women have choices, its not just you. Why not make yourselves into something desirable ? We need more than just a d**k. We need the whole package too!

I do not hate black men--I love them! The smart ones will know that what this sister is saying has a lot of merit.

Peace!

The author of this blog sounds like a very rebellious sinful woman. Your life is not about what you want but what God has ordained. You will submit in this life or the next, under the mighty hand of God the Father of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ or you will submit to satan, period. The reason why our world is in Sin is because of women who had the thought pattern of Eve to disobey and rebel. You need to repent of your Sins and ask God to forgive you.

Oh, and BTW. My family first purchased land here in the state of Texas in 1873, and we've never left. My family was country before country was cool. I was born with a coffee can of lard in one hand and a cast iron skillet in the other hand, and I guarantee you that my flat-footed ass could outcook Stilletto Girl by the time I was 13. Fellas, if your lady is teetering around your kitchen in heels, check your garbage can. That's where you'll find the receipt for all that food she just put on the table.

One thing about single black women - we seem to have a LOT of money, and we're willing to throw it away to anybody who will tell us what's 'wrong' with us. Shanel pulls double duty: not only does she sell the whole "submission" package (which gets props from the fellas), she wraps it in a package that makes it enticing to black women by appealing to our femininity, something the mainstream (read: white) media never does when addressing women of color. Very impressive - too bad it's bunk. You know who wears stilettos in the kitchen? Women who can't cook and are trying too damn hard, that's who. Raz hit it dead on this head - she's Sarah Palin in (fake) Louboutins.

Submit, if that's your thing and it works for you, but stop trying to tell scores of other women that they're wrong for not doing so. And it's interesting that Shanel never really talks about her mate - I can't ever seem to find a straight answer to whether she's married - like REALLY married, with a certificate and what - or not.

What gets me is how much like sheep people are. Judging from the comments on her Youtube video page, many men and women believe this stuff from this woman's mouth just because 'she said it'. Here she is a cosmotologist. (not that there is anything wrong with that) but I doubt seriously she's had any type of higher education or varied experience that gives her credibility to talk this noise she's talking. She seems like she's not too far removed from being a newly wed and probably not even 30 yet spouting all of this nonsence as if it was the gospel. What does she know? Yet people buy into what she's saying. Now I see the Sarah Palin phenomenon in effect. If someone is reasonably attractive, and charismatic , they too can be a 'used car salesman and sell, sand in the desert.

This lady is idealistic probably hasn't been married all that long. I checked out her other videos on Youtube and they are all aimed at 'serving that man' keeping him happy. She has a few videos where she puts down women yet she says she is empowering them. She's promoting her book "Stilettos in the Kitchen". While I applaud her entrepreneurial endeavors, I think she has things backwards. Women are put on pedastals, not men. She acts as though she is soo glad to be married, she will walk through hell in a gasoline suit for her man. Heaven forbid if she loses her looks or he cheats on her, she'll lose her freaking mind, take off that stiletto and imbed it upside his head. Especially since she has raised this dude up so far in her mind, while subsequently mentally putting herself below him. Never do that!!

Even our President of the U.S. has his wife on a pedestal and she has often said in interviews, before he became President when he was running and when he was a Senator, that he still had chores to do in the house. She kept his feet on the ground by reminding him, that he is not above her. President Obama worships his wife for who she is as a woman and not because she brought him a plate of food wearing Stilettos. (I doubt she even wears heels as tall as she is LOL) But First Lady Michelle is a successful smart Ivy league grad attorney and successful, intelligent and accomplished in her own right. She didn't need Obama to make her into the woman she is today, she was already that women.

I look at my own sister as inspiration. Her husband is what I call a traditional man. He was the bread winner in the family for years. My sister worked when she wanted and kept her own bank account and still does. He has his, and she has hers. He is the one who cooks in the home because he is an excellent cook and took professional cooking courses. When they have family get togethers he is the one who does all of the cooking. He can burn in the kitchen and he loves to cook too. He is also an all around handy man so guess who does the refurbishing and decorating in their home? He does. He is all man where it counts too. He doesn't expect my sister to be some docile subservient woman towards him. When my sister needs some time out to take a hot bubble bath soak, she can do that and rest assured that dinner will be on the tablee. BTW, they've been married for over 20 years!

When he met my sister, she was attending a community college and he was knocking about working in a custodial position. Yet he saw my sister, who was friends with his sister who was also taking classes at that college. He wanted a chance with my sister, but he knew before he approached her, that he needed to get his act together. He did, He went on to school, joined the military before he approached her. In other words he 'manned up'. He had my sister on a pedastal. She was someone he felt he had to 'step up his game' in order to win her. This is as it should be. So far, they've had a successful marriage (no bed of roses what marriage is), raised their children and they are blessed. Good Lord willing I hope it continues.

When women start defining their worthiness by a man, and when they marry that man and start embracing a subservient attitude, that is when they go into doormat mode. Men don't find this attractive just as women don't find henpecked men attractive. You can wear all the stilettos and tight leggings you want, while serving him a 5 course meal, but if he doesn't find you mentally stimulating, if he doesn't find you fascinating, you won't hold his interest. He'll take what you have to offer and go be around someone who engrosses him. You can't 'serve' your way into a man's heart and once you get him and you can't continue to serve your way into keeping him. You become his 'servant' not his companion, not his wife. A man loves you for you regardless.

This woman doesn't seem to get that. She strikes me as someone who 'maybe married up' and she is so grateful that her 'man' chose her that she is out to teach all the rest of us women just what we need to do and just how we need to be in order to 'get and keep a man'.

She's got a lot to learn. Life will be her teacher, give it a few years. Let's see how much she'll be into being 'servant girl with her hubby when the kids come, and he is still expecting 'king of the hill treatment' and now she's got to divide her time between him and the babies. 'Kings' don't like to have their time and attention taken from them even by their own offspring especially once a woman 'trains' them to be a certain way. I hope she has a successful marriage but this mindset of hers is not what we should be teaching our young girls out there.

I don't get why the woman in the video seems to believe that women cannot love, be good moms, nor create a good home, without submitting. She is flat wrong.

Deborrah, this was a very well put article from obviously a well educated and eloquent woman of inner strength. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your wonderful empowerment! I am sure that every woman who reads your article(s) will take something away for herself. I do believe that EVERY woman should have and always maintain the ability to stand on her own so that IF something were to happen, whatever that may be, she always has an option. Man or woman, the moment we start telling ourselves we can't do any better (whether in a relationship or in ANY aspect of life), we can't. This word should be erradicated from our vocabulary as we constantly pursue our dreams. Any decent man will be supportive of that.

I hope this chick in that video reads this extraordinary article. It's too bad that women like her continue to kowtow to men and spread destructive messages such as this. She does it as if she knows what she is talking about and then has the nerve to say she is saying this tripe in order to empower women?!! WTH??

First of all she needs to fully understand the definition of the word 'submit' and the connotations this word implies. She is using the 'wrong' word trying to talk about how healthy relationships should work and about women's empowerment. Women's empowerment has nothing to do with the word "submit". Submit means to accept someone else's authority to bend under pressure, to yield. It alludes to something being conquered the word itself is not the appropriate word that should be used if she wants to talk about a healthy relationship and what men and women need to do to work together in order to run a happy home.

Men need to step up to the plate. Women could be in a 'traditional role if they had 'traditional men, but we have these punk azz men ditching out on women and kids so now women have to be mother, father everything and she wants to talk about submissive? Give me a break.

She talks with such conviction but any psychologist would destroy her because she is misusing that word. The context in which she uses the word submissive in order to promote a healthy relationship is just wrong! She's talking submission in order to empower women? Isn't that an oxymoronic idea?

A submit means to yield (and most times it's unwillingly) a healthy relationship isn't about someone yielding and someone conquering. A healthy relationship isn't about yielding one's will and becoming some mindless drone who empowers their partner while they have no power, no say so in a relationship.

A healthy relationship is built on two partners working together for the betterment of the relationship/family etc while respecting and accepting and valuing the other person's mind, thoughts, ideas, opinions and whatever else they bring to the table. Don't come at me talking about no submit, when you don't even fully understand what the word means or how to use it in the proper context.

Darn, idiots trying to talk like they know what they are talking about and merely talking noise.

This is one of the best articles I've read in a long time. You are such an inspiring writer Deborrah!! Thank you for the boost to my confidence. My husband and I are separating and its been a very rough few months. I was accused of not following his lead, even though he started drinking, missing work, and spending money on who knows what. I couldn't sit by and let him take the kids and me down with him. Reading this helps me know I made the right choice to save myself and our two children. .