I come from a southern, old school family who most of the members are married, because that was the “right” thing to do in life. At 22 i followed in their footsteps and married a very controlling and abusive man who i had two children by.

Around year 4 of being married i jumped up out of my sleep one day and thought about how miserable the women in my family really are. Most of them hate being married, but they would never admit it.

To make a long story short, i went through a very long, gruelling and somewhat scary divorce. I am such a feminist i’m not quite sure how i allowed myself to marry this man in the first place. He is still a part of my kids lives, but a very minimal part.

I am glad to be in the place where i am now. He hates to see me doing well without him. I have in turn taken the reigns of power from him and he hates it. I have sole custody of my children and I am happy I was strong enough to get out when i did.

The father has equal rights as the mother, nowadays for the most part a mother cannot just cut a dad out of the child’s life–no matter what he may be guilty of–unless the dad goes along with it. These kinds of guys–usually abusers–fight custody and they use the kids to try and destroy the mother.

It’s a real phenomenon, it’s happening out here everyday. Professional women are a huge target of this but it’s trickling down as everyone becomes more educated with the ready availability of the Internet.

Here’s a link, hope this is okay to post; it sets forth many of the reasons that abusive fathers may be favored in family court during custody battles: http://www.leadershipcouncil.org/1/pas/dv.html

Live well all

There may be other options you have to explore. Don’t give up so quickly. Did you read Deborrah’s article on the Father’s rights’ movement? Your Ex is a poster child for what the author described.
There could be things you can do since you are now dealing with this situation that can make it less painful for you to go through. You should email Deborrah personally to find out things you can do to gain some better control over the situation and not let your ex terrorize you the way that he has been doing. Also the threshold for doing something illegal vs it being horrible and harmful to your little boy is very high. Just because it isn’t illegal doesn’t make it less horrible, harmful or right.
There needs to be boundaries and something in place that holds your ex accountable. He needs to be held responsible for the fallout he is causing with your son and the judges need to know this.
Even if your ex was awarded joint custody, what is wrong with you meeting with the judge in private and discussing with him what you are dealing with whenever your husband breaks his promise to visit his son, what is wrong with you discussing with the judge, social workers etc.. that your son is a fire bug and the emotional distress he deals with, whenever he is exposed to your ex’s poison.
You need to start laying down the foundation to ‘undo’ that joint custody instead of being resigned to it. That judge needs to know what you and your son are going through behind closed doors and away from the court room. Anyone can put on a front with the judge. But they need to know what is going on and you’ll need to take steps (if you really want to improve your lot) to make this happen.

It’s not going to be easy but perhaps you can solicit pro bono work from a family law practice, go to the library research on the internet to find advocacy groups that may get behind you to support you. There are groups out there that lend support to mothers like you dealing with ex’s like you are. YOu don’t have to go at this alone and be resigned to the next 10 years of torture in your life. You can get someone/group/organization to help you with your cause. How bad do you want to get out of this situation? You can do it, you don’t have to be terrorized for the next 10 years! Do you think you can survive that with your mind intact and that of your son?