Women, Self Esteem and Smart Dating Choices

| 12/06/2010 | Comments (3)

Before a man can truly love a woman, his respect for her must be at level 8 or above (on a scale of 1-10). But even before a man can truly love and respect you, you must love and respect YOURSELF!

To have high self esteem means to feel competent and worthy, to respect and stand up for your interests and needs and to cope with the challenges of life.  Women with high self-esteem are ambitious and more willing to take risks.  Women with high self-esteem embrace their experiences in life emotionally, creatively, and spiritually. The higher our self esteem, the more likely we are to treat others with respect, kindness and consideration since we do not perceive them to be a threat to our peace of mind or security.

On the other hand, having low self esteem means that you suffer from feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, self-doubt, guilt, and fear. You are more likely to enter into destructive relationships. You may recognize that in the back of your mind a nasty little voice constantly reminds you that you are “not good enough.”

Those with low self-esteem may also be arrogant, boastful, or overstate their abilities in an attempt to “puff themselves up.” Those with low self-esteem frequently attempt to glorify themselves at the expense of others by verbally discounting, mistreating, or physically abusing them in an effort to feel more powerful or elevate themselves.

Know When to Get Out or Just Say NO!

How we feel about OURSELVES affects virtually every aspect of our lives – from the way we function at work, in love, in sex, to the way we operate as parents.  Excluding mental, emotional or physical problems that are biological in origin,  the vast majority of the social ills and personal problems we suffer originate in an environment of low self esteem.  These feelings may manifest themselves in self-defeating behaviors involving alcohol and drug abuse, underachievement, spousal battering, child molestation, sexual dysfunction, suicide attemps, and behaving in a codependent manner… setting ourselves up to be used.

Women often settle for men and relationships that do not meet their needs. For some women, it is more important to have a man (any man), than it is to wait patiently for the RIGHT man to come along.  For those of you that call yourself having a man but still spend important holidays alone; have a man that you have been dating for years that refuses to marry you; have a man in your life that doesn’t open doors or pull out your chair for you or treat you like a lady; or have a husband that cheats whenever he gets ready with no fear of repercussions – we must examine the reasons why you believe this is how you deserve to be treated.  We must also look closely at the excuses you create to stay and allow yourself to be hurt over and over again.

If your man has changed in his treatment towards you and no longer treats you as special and important as he did previously that means he is probably not ready to leave the relationship completely yet, but he has already moved you out of the running as a serious contender for his affections. In his mind he already decided that the relationship wasn’t going anywhere.

In such a case, I would recommend that you recognize this relationship will NEVER fulfill your needs. No matter how painful the loss may seem, it is best to abandon that relationship and start fresh with another man. Never love a man more than you love yourself.

Take Responsibility For Your Choices and Become a Winner in the Game of Love!

We make choices every day of our lives. Admittedly, some of the choices we make are not in our best interest over the long run. Perhaps these imprudent choices are dictated, not by thoughtful respect for ourselves, but instead by the desire for immediate gratification, a sense of desperation, a refusal to accept reality, or plain old low self esteem.

And even though (as stated by Carl Jung) “The shoe that fits one person pinches another; there is no recipe for living that suits all cases,” it is my firm belief that a woman who thought highly of and valued herself, her sexuality and her heart would not seek to maintain a relationship with a man that was not valuing and honoring her back.

The age at which many females begin a descent in self-esteem is in their teens.  I believe it is of the utmost importance that teens recognize the danger signs and protect themselves from assaults on their self-esteem as much as possible.  Older women can also benefit from a review and assessment of past relationships and experiences… understanding where you came from provides a much clearer picture of where you are and where you are going.

Authors Mary Jo Rapini and Janine L. Sherman have written a great guide for young women entitled “Start Talking – A Girl’s Guide For You and Your Mom About Health, Sex or Whatever.”  The interview with Mary Jo and Janine on Saturday, November 4th regarding female self-esteem was fantastic.  The broadcast concluded with 10 recommendations for improving your self-esteem, no matter what your age. I suggest you take a listen.  Check out their website at http://www.starttalkingbook.com

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Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.

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Category: Women's Issues

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Comments (3)

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  1. Andrea says:

    Yes, I agree with this article 100%. Every woman I have ever known who involved herself with men who treated her badly was insecure and afraid of being alone, even if she was already “alone’ but in a fake relationship.

  2. carolin andrews says:

    I am so sorry that I missed this show, I signed up for blogtalkradio. I believe I set up to receive advance notice of upcoming shows from you and a few other host. I received no notice other than your email today. I had several questions I would have liked to ask these 2 knowledgeable guest of yours. How can I be sure to get advance notice of your talk shows Deborrah??

    • Well, you can keep an eye out here. I usually post notices of the upcoming shows on THIS site as well as BlogTalk. You can also become a friend of mine on FaceBook. I always post notices of what is coming up over there as well. Search for Deborrah Cooper and it should come up.

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