You are NOT in a Relationship and He is NOT Your Man!

| 08/31/2012 | Comments (3)

Women write the “Dear Ms. HeartBeat” advice column frequently, seeking help understanding why their latest “relationship” went sour.  Most times after digesting the facts, it’s clear as the nose on your face that there WAS no relationship at all.  Therefore, the writer’s expectations of fidelity, commitment or involvement were totally misplaced.  In other words, don’t get it twisted woman… he ain’t trying to be with you like that!

I’d like to share with you the three primary mistakes women make differentiating between sex-based convenience associations and loving committed relationships:

#1 Women Put Too Much Stock on Words

One of the primary tools the player has in his arsenal is a smooth tongue. Words of love flow from his lips, often within hours or days of meeting.  A woman desperate for someone to call her own will latch onto those words like a life raft.

“I have a boyfriend and he says he loves me but the problem is he never shows it. I mean, we speak with each other once every week or two.  When we meet up we speak like strangers, and he just starts to do physical things.  I really don’t know whether he just wants me for my body or if really loves me, although he says he does.”


players are smooth with witty rap and good pick up lines

Talk is cheap and means absolutely nothing unless a man’s words and actions are in sync.  In this case, his mouth is saying one thing but his behavior saying something entirely different.  Players can run game using words for months on end, but it is very difficult for them to maintain a game with his behavior for more than a few days.

Steer clear of early sexual involvement to avoid being set up as a “booty call,” no matter how many times he professes to love you.  Stay sharp, watch, look and listen carefully. If there is ever a conflict and his words aren’t matching what is happening, believe what a man DOES, not what he SAYS.

#2  Women Confuse Online Flirtations With Relationships

From its initial launch in the early 1990s, the perception of online dating has changed from wholly negative (“only desperate people do it”), to a

fully acceptable and popular way to be introduced to eligible singles. That is where it should end however, at the introduction phase. What started online has to be taken offline and into the real world as soon as possible.

“I’ve been seeing a guy online for about 3 years. He is very cool and friendly and seems like everything I want.  But he always wants me to talk dirty or to type dirty love letters. In the beginning it was funny, but now it’s getting old.  He’s supposed to come out this summer to meet, but he’s always saying he’s gonna come meet me then makes up an excuse a few weeks

before.  When I have the guts to tell him off he gets me back by telling me he misses me and loves me. I really want to make this work. I don’t want to think I’ve wasted 3 years of my life and time on this guy!”

online dating relationships women fall in love easily online

Don’t get carried away by fantasy with online dating

No matter how commonplace the fantasy of an Internet boyfriend may be, the reality is that you CANNOT DATE SOMEONE BY COMPUTER! Nothing this writer shared about her “boyfriend” sounds the least bit sincere or realistic. The man likes “hot chat” and has her around strictly as an outlet for his strange proclivities.

The Internet allows guys like this to string dozens of lonely women along with fraudulent information, flowery words and phony promises to get what they want.  Women also need to understand they DO NOT have the power to “make this work.” It is out of your hands because HE is calling the shots.  HE gets to decide if he will see you or not.  HE gets you to stay involved with him by telling you what you want to hear. HE gets and you give in these very unhealthy situations.


#3 Women Jump to Conclusions About Commitment

One young woman was very hurt when she mentioned to a fellow she’d been spending time with that their “three month anniversary” was coming up.  Astonished,the guy retorted “anniversaries are for people in relationships… we aren’t in a relationship!”

couple having problems

In her mind the fact that they’d spent three months in each other’s bed and eaten out a few times meant something important was happening. To him the time spent meant nothing more than reasonably consistent companionship and friendly sex.

Women need to stop assuming that the time they spend with a man means anything more than what is happening in that moment.  If you were to see him out with someone else, or find out he was involved with another woman, it is inappropriate to angrily declare that he “cheated.”

Reality is that you are both single and available to date others until you sit down and discuss commitment and a future together.  Be very clear on what being a couple means to you, and what your goal is for the relationship.  If you haven’t yet had such a conversation, YOU DO NOT HAVE A BOYFRIEND.

This also applies if he says he has no interest in anything serious and just wants to “have fun” or “be friends.”  Believe him – don’t waste time trying to change his mind! Assuming that you have a committed connection based on nothing more than the number of days marked on a calendar will always lead to unnecessary heartbreak and frustration.


Adjusting starry-eyed romantic expectations of “happily ever after” will be a challenge for many women.  But by following these three simple guidelines,you can enjoy his company without pressure to make the dates mean anything.

You will often discover that many of the men you formerly tried to “make it work” with are not at all what you are looking for.  And when you don’t waste time or emotional energy on Mr. Wrong, you’re free to meet other available singles, one of whom may just be the man of your dreams.

Be the woman men adore and never want to leave – kids or not! Click here!


(originally published July 8, 2010)

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Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.

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Category: Women's Issues

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  1. zipporah says:

    As much as these women use the term ANNIVERSARY, it isnt an anniversary unless its your WEDDING ANNIVERSARY (and it should be celebrated like a holiday, buy anniversary presents for each other etc.)—whats up with women anyway? just because we could have careers like guys, it doesnt mean we leave our brains at the door when we are in a relationship, or friendship with a guy…

  2. Melzie says:

    I’ve witnessed these things a few times and totally agree.

  3. Aabaakawad says:

    #2 can go in either gender direction, boy plays girl or girl plays boy. Sometime $$ is involved, big red flag.

    And no, it hasn’t happen to me, LOL. But I’ll probably not be able to convince anybody of that. :/

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