You Need to Train Men How to Treat You?

| 05/10/2012 | Comments (5)

Why do so many black women believe the phrase “you have to train men how to treat you?”

Every man over the age of 25 knows full well how to treat other people! Probably over the age of 18, but I will add a few years just because. So when I meet a man of 40, I am not going to spend a SECOND of my life training him to do anything. Either hit the ground running and come correct, or do not come at all. No time and no interest in teaching a mature adult anything about how to treat others with courtesy and respect.

He certainly knows how he wants to be treated, which means he also knows how I want to be treated. Anything not up to par, anything stupid, anything trifling, anything disrespectful – it means he is doing it because he WANTS TO DO IT.

That is the part black women just don’t frickin get. They think they have to ‘train’ a man how to treat them. No, you don’t. He already knows. Whatever he did wrong, he intentionally. He knew it was jacked up when he did it. He knew you were going to be hurt. He knew he was lying. He knew he was being dismissive. He knew he was being a jerk. He knew all that, but he did whatever he did anyway.

So then I do what I was going to do anyway, which is leave him alone. No negotiation. No compromise. No conversation about it. We not gonna fight. No excuses. I am not going to explain to you why what you did was wrong. I’m not going to talk to you endlessly to try to ‘get you to see’ why I’m upset. Because you already know! You ain’t stupid! I’m not going to put you on the defensive. I’m not going to question you. I’m not going to cry or act up.

I’m just out.

Why don’t more women do that instead of waste their time on game playing men?

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Deborrah

Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.

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Category: Women's Issues

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Comments (5)

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  1. zipporah says:

    Lastly you ‘train’ a man by NOT PUTTING UP WITH DISRESPECT— don’t look desperate or else he’ll dis you and PLEASE don’t sleep with or even kiss him (let him ‘kiss you)—i believe when women get just a ‘little’ aggressive sexually, it  can give him the ‘green light’ to try to abuse you…the best time to do that is when you trust him enough for him to marry you..and that takes studying; be ‘butterfly’ like..also, DONT TALK TOO MUCH AND LET HIM KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON…. my mom, and other old school women use to say DONT LET A MAN ‘OUTHINK’ YOU

  2. Monique8 says:

    Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!!!! More women need to hear this message. Grown a** men already know that what they are doing is hurtful and abusive, THEY KNOW! So you talking to them about it and explaning and reasoning is going to do what exactly? Change him? you think he’s gong to automatically morph into a decent human being who will treat you well and respectfully because you told him to? Sorry to burst your bubble chica, but you are not that powerful. If you’re dealing with a man and you have to “teach” how to be a decent, considerate, respectful human being when he deals with you, WHY would you want to be with him? He should be decent, considerate and respectful because that is who he is. I don’t have time or any desire to “raise” a grown man who knows better. He starts acting up or acting out and I’m out, no discussion needed.

    • zipporah says:

      BTW,, i think trying to ‘change a man’ comes with the territory of these Romance Novels—in the novel, the guy is a CREEP but her ‘love’ will change him….Danielle steel had a ‘great’ one (read horrible) called HAPPY BIRTHDAY…. i read it but couldn finish…its about a creep who gets the girl pregnant, the girl, Her , mom , and a ball player are born on the same day,etc..the girl is a successful chef..A guy is a reporter who didnt want a woman or kids, her mom went out with a ball player who was a playboy, but GUESS WHAT –they all changed because the the ‘love of a women” GET REAL! I look on these books as much fantasy as science fiction.. im able to….the ones i like the best are the ‘amish’ novels..because they are soo far fetched to be unreal

  3. PatFinley says:

    It’s what I’ve always done.  If you want to get rid of him, ignore the phone calls, texts, whatever.  If he persists in knowing what’s wrong, then tell him the truth, that it’s not going to be all about him, and you are not there to potty train or house break lil bro. (My guess is he won’t even ask since he already knows he’s a lying, cheating user.)  Besides he doesn’t care how you feel.  He can go find another sucker he can lie to and start all over again.  His ‘so-called’ relationships never work out, he says because he can’t find the right one.  He will never be right, for anyone.  Let him grow old playing with himself, watching porn movies. 

  4. AndreaLewis says:

    I love this post! It’s what I have always thought, since I was a kid to young to date. Why waste time on someone you have to train to be a decent Human being when it’s just as easy, if not easier, to find someone who needs no alteration.
     
    You’d think that would be the common wisdom among all women. It certainly is among men. I have NEVER met a man who wanted to repair a woman, though I’m sure there are a handful of them out there somewhere.

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