Your Selfishness is Not Making the Coochie Wet

| 02/14/2012 | Comments (8)

I’ve spent time talking to several Black women (both married and single) over the past few weeks about their men and relationships. As the most romantic holiday of the year approached, I wanted to get an idea of what women thought about Valentine’s Day, as well as what they expected their men to do or say to honor it. I also spoke to quite a few men.

Females love romance. From the time women are little girls, their hearts and imaginations are stirred by the strong young warrior Prince that rescues the woman of his dreams from a dragon/evil king/evil stepmother/ogre/tower so that they can live happily ever after.

When a girl is older, she reads love stories and romantic novels where there is always a build up of romantic tension between the heroine and hero of the story. Though there may be initial conflict and quite a few ups and downs, eventually he does and says the right thing because he realizes that he loves her and wants to keep her around in his life.

With that in mind, it is amazing to me how many single Black men are all bent out of shape about Valentine’s Day. These guys don’t want to do anything nice for the woman they are dating on V-Day at all. The resentful commentary about a “made up holiday,” the condemning judgments that “women don’t deserve it,” and the general mean nasty snarlyness that “women have no right to demand we do it” is just appalling. Most angrily declare “I shouldn’t have to give to her just to get some sex” as if her sole role in your life is to sex you down while you sit on your ass and give her nothing in return.

To witness the selfishness of dozens of single Black men was sad and disgusting. No wonder Black relationships are in a shambles. Women give to men all day every day in both large and small ways (cooking, cleaning for you so you don’t have to do it, caring for your dog, yo momma, your health, making sure you are happy and satisfied); but you all seem hell bent on getting as much as possible while giving as little as you can in return. Why do you guys think a woman should be so giving and loving to you, while you are under no obligation to show romantic attentiveness to her even one day of the year?

While these knuckleheads were growing up, their Mothers, Grandmothers, Aunties and older sisters were always giving to and doing for them. Rarely if ever were these young Black males required to give back or go out of their way to please a female they allegedly loved in return for the kindnesses she showed him. Pondering that question, I began to question where Black men could have gotten the idea that they deserve the best without giving the best in return. Then I realized they got it from their mothers.

Black Mothers are always giving to their sons and few ever demand that their precious boys be considerate, thoughtful or giving to their moms or the women in their families. Many of these boys never had chores inside or outside the house, or even any responsibilities other than school! They were never required to think about anyone or anything but themselves – no community involvement, no volunteer projects, never directed to work at odd jobs so they could make and save money to buy presents for their siblings or Mom.

So these young boys grew up being spoiled believing that their girlfriends and wives are obligated to cater to and give to them without demanding anything in return, “just like my Momma did.”

To hell with that noise Son! You need to get off your ass and give to women if you want sex. Yeah I said it. There is nothing free in this world brotha. You either pay now, or you pay later, but you always ALWAYS pay in some way for everything you get.

You want some booty? Then you need to spend time, energy and yes some money too, and present your woman with a romantic something before the sun sets today. Why? Because you taking the time to get your woman something for Valentine’s Day makes her hot. When a woman is hot, her coochie is wet and you get hot juicy sex.

A nice card and a pair of earrings is a great gift, as is a romantic card and a dozen roses in her favorite color. Both make the coochie nice and juicy!

A bouquet of whatever type of flowers she loves, and a book of poetry by an author you know she enjoys shows you were thinking about pleasing her. Though you may hate poetry and think flowers are a waste of money because they die, you gotta remember one thing: it’s not about you, it’s about what you do and say that makes her hot.

Jewelry is always a great gift, and it doesn’t have to be diamonds, rubies or emeralds unless you got it like that. Young men on a budget can get their girls a silver keepsake necklace, bracelet or ring engraved with something romantic. She will cherish your special and romantic gift forever.

If your lady is frequently stressed because of school, work or family obligations, a heart-felt card that contains a gift certificate for a relaxing spa day would be much appreciated. She will be so surprised and grateful, it will make her coochie wet.

If you write songs, are great with words, or write poetry, you can sing to her or write her a love letter that expresses how you feel and what she means to you on this Valentine’s Day. Her heart will fill with joy, her eyes with ears, and she’ll take you into her arms because she’s hot for you.

Or how about a little baby tree that she can plant in her yard. Your card can say “this tree represents our love. It will mature and grow and bear fruit just as my love for you grows and matures.” Guaranteed to make her feel hot and jump your bones.

The goal is to get off your ever widening ass and do things that inspire warm fuzzy feelings in your woman’s heart. Warm fuzzy feelings in her heart travel down through her stomach and guess where they land!? Doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that paying attention to your woman, being romantic, and being thoughtful and considerate to your woman makes her coochie wet.

On the flip side, ignoring her, being grudgeful and selfish makes the coochie dry up. Do that often enough and your woman will get tired of feeling unappreciated, and she will leave your ass.

All of that drama could have been easily avoided Mr. Selfish Man. What you put into your relationship is what you will get out of it. All you have to do was stop being a Momma’s boy spoiled brat and take care of your woman like a grown man should.

On a daily basis your every action and word should be carefully considered: “Is what I am about to do or say going to make my woman hot and the coochie juicy, or is it going to make things dry up?” More men could have successful relationships with adoring women very easily if they followed this one guideline.

You can thank me later.


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Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.

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  1. MonicaBackest says:

    I’m 46 years old. My mother married 5 different men drug me through 3 states & I went to 11 different schools by 12th grade. I am a survivor of Domestic Violence. It began when I was 4 years old & I walked into a women’s crisis center on my 40th birthday. My baby sister was in prison & my sweet baby brother 14 years my jr. was dropped in Iraq 10 days after I had to unexpectedly bury my father. My bio-mother was more than likely sitting her ass at a poker table at the casino. I’m the single-only-mom-parent-head-of-household that not only stayed around to raise the boy, I broke the curse from both sides of his family he would have surely been plaqued with had his father not disappeared for 7 years during my sons formative years. Took me years to realize his absence was a gift he didn’t know he was giving. No daddy is better than a bad daddy in some cases. I’ll buy my own Valentine. There isn’t one bitch-ass man smart enough in my life that would have the skills to pick out something for my strong precious tight ass! Thank you for letting me vent. I think after 40+years I FINALLY have this DV thing whooped!

  2. MonicaBackest says:

    I didn’t get jack-crapola for Valentines Day. I haven’t put a pair of jeans on my ass from a retail store since 2006. I love me some re-sale shops & Goodwill. I don’t think that these men can do things or think of things that they haven’t got the skills to do. I think everything I just ranted about has induced psychological diseases in epic numbers in our society. Add the drugs, the liquor stores & big Pharm into the mix with the porn & the video games & all the violent TV & Hollywood pumping crap out, the media & the music that sings back to our kids a reflection of the hellish mess & we have quite a clean up job on our hands. Sociopathy & Narcissism are permant afflictions. After a certain age if the kids haven’t been properly tended to they fall through the cracks & it takes more than alot to heal a soul damaged by chaoes. Look how society is loading retail racks with the explotive clothing for our girls to wear and leading our boys to think that shoes okay to cost $200!

  3. MonicaBackest says:

    IDK what can be done quickly about our kids having kids & being influanced by a immoral society. I fear for em. I truly do. How do we reprogram a whole nation on the fast track? Seems like simple common sense could be applied at alot of levels that could ease the struggle. I’m making $2.13 an hour & some mercy tips in a rural area. Who the hell in DC thinks that is okay in the year 2013. The enabling of our kids has to stop, it isn’t just they ma-ma’s, it is society doing it too. I got lucky & was able to work am-mid hours to parent mine & be home with him at night while his father disappeared for 7 straight f**king years, total abandon him. Alot of women have to work the hours they are assigned. The 60+thousand incarcarted in the prisons on chumped up charges doing time for something they didn’t do need to be set free. That is the most recent estimated inocent count I read. It is no wonder that empathy & thoughtfulness is disappearing from society?

  4. MonicaBackest says:

    Now we have prisons for profit & manufactured laws & longer sentences imposed to keep em full. What does a prison for profit need to stay in business?…….Answer-human bodies! Our kids! Some of they fathers & now more & more the ma-ma’s too. Society didn’t EVEN begin to get serious about addressing child abuse or domestic violence just 20 years ago if that long. The industrial sector had to keep pumping out all the materialistic gadgets & objects to keep feeding the Capitalistic machine to keep the GDP & the economy alive & we had to go to work with kids hanging off our tits for shitty pay! Its gone to hell. Who said our kids need brand new objects & toys twice a year, year after year? Why the misogynistic idiots in charge of it all. An up-hill war & we ain’t done fighting yet, ladies! If we could get a larger than 3/4 majority of women into leadership positions in the private sector & in the government-this shit would be solved in no time flat!

  5. MonicaBackest says:

    The men didn’t take kindly to our feminist sisters fighting for us in the 70’s & when the families started breaking up, the courts let our boys fathers walk off without any co-parenting new laws & what little judgements & orders against our boy’s fathers we obtained in court legally could hardly be enforced. Back in the day females ended up in a rental or on the streets making.40 cents to every $1 a man was making & the fellas 90% of the time got the property/house & we got kids to feed after we find a job. Child support can be ordered all day with an order for insurance on the babies as well-that don’t mean it gets paid!!!! If ever. The sexual revolution threw a crook into the mix IMO as well. I love how the scientific studies talk about our single-mother-head of households being in poverty & how our kids are less than & causing more trouble than the higher socioecnomic kids while making poorer grades in school & it all our fault! No one ever calls out the fathers or mentions that these fathers shaged their asses off. A generation & 1/2 of males not being fathers. Hollywood producing nasty exploiting female content. A strip club on every corner & all the BS being ran by men! Is anyone surprised with this outcome?

  6. MonicaBackest says:

    The culture has become so sociopathic just within the past 10 years. A secular still very much misogynistic social structure on the super-fast track with the internet & smart phones leading the instant gratifaction ME generation down the super-technology freeway. A greedy Capitalistic economy pushing the limits on more, more, more with lower pay & fewer human laborers. Modern marveled inovations just in the past decade being governed by guess who? Old ass misogynistic white ass men on Capital Hill in DC. It will take years to reprogram social norms. The divorce rate & the courts not keeping up with passing new family laws that could have better served women & children.

  7. MonicaBackest says:

    I did some reading a few months back about Western Culture in the USA. The social structure was built with a deep base of misogynistic ideas by men & then layer after layer of misogynistic rules & laws. We’ve come a long way ladies in a short amount of time, but there is a lot of subconscience social norms & idealisms that still need to be reprogramed in the brains of the population. this the quickest link I could find, can’t find the one that REALLY explained the dynamics of the social structure & how it has NOT done our boys any favors. I can’t articulate very well what I read 5mins. ago, I damn sure can’t begin to explain something I read monts ago. I think the moms are just doing what they were taught to do & changes need to be made. I fear for the later age teens & the 20-25 year old child bering age group kids. My son is 18 & to say that they are up against a mountian is a understatement.

  8. Razzy says:

    This article is hilarious and so truthful. Sadly I know a few wives who have been ignored by their hubbies and are in stagnant relationships barely tolerating each other. The husband continues to want sex (according to what the wives say) but they don’t do anything romantic to charm their wives.  I wish these women would have the guts to send this article to their husbands.  I don’t get how women get married, and stay married to emotionally abusive men who reduce them to fearful little girls afraid to stand up for themselves and demand to be treated the way they feel is right.
    These women will shrink away and put up with what their husbands dish out for the sake of ‘his’ peace and the sacrifice of her happiness. 
    Too sad…

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