You’re Just Not That Into Him (But Maybe You Could Be)

| 04/20/2012 | Comments (0)

I went out with my husband for the first time on a blustery October evening. The date was hardly conventional. I picked him up (after sitting in traffic for a full hour). We went to Starbucks – he paid. Then we went out for ice cream – he let me pay. He was extremely cool, sporting a goatee, glasses (just for the fashion statement!), and a vintage coat he inherited from his late uncle. I was ridiculously nerdy. Though I can’t remember what I wore that night, I’ll never forget looking in the rearview mirror at the end of the date and seeing that my carefully flat ironed hair had ballooned into an afro that could make Diana Ross jealous.

At the end of our date, my future husband asked if I’d like to go out again. I was so flustered that I muttered something under my breath…what he understood was ‘sure, I’d LOVE TO!’. He said he’d call me, thinking I was truly interested in seeing him again. I drove off thinking about how he was nice but completely unsuitable, and how I would have to find a way to cancel the date. When I couldn’t think of any good excuses for cancellation, I convinced my sister and her boyfriend to double date with us, to serve as a buffer that could absorb any awkwardness. They were practically engaged and all lovey-dovey, and we were two strangers who had met only once before for a few hours. Let’s just say, it wasn’t the ideal atmosphere for romance.

And yet, I had a surprisingly good time. After our second date, I found myself much more relaxed, and while I could hardly say I was smitten, I was definitely intrigued. Instead of telling him that I wasn’t interested, I found myself agreeing to yet another date, which turned into another, and, well, you get the idea. We’re now happily married, and while I still think that he’s more hip and relaxed than I am (and we don’t have the same tastes in music, food or books), I guess it doesn’t matter.

Looking back on it, the lesson learned was an important one – but also a classic. That is, ‘everyone deserves a second chance’ (except maybe serial killers or someone with foul body odor). This adage is especially accurate when using online dating sites, since you likely know even less about your date than you would if you’d been introduced by a mutual friend. Think about it: How much can you really get to know someone from a few awkward hours during a first encounter? First dates are almost always awkward, as you endeavor to keep your clothing smooth and your hair perfect while trying to describe yourself in the best possible light and pay attention to someone else who is talking. It’s a bit like trying to ride a bike while juggling eggs. I’d like to suggest that giving someone a second chance will help you get over a bit of that initial awkwardness and will allow you to focus a bit more on your date, rather than how you’re presenting yourself.

By the second date you’ll already know a bit about the other person, so you’ll have natural things to talk about or to ask about, and you’ll be able to have a bit more perspective and clarity. You may not fall in love on the second date, but you’ll definitely be able to get a better sense of whether your date is a potentially suitable match. If not, all you’ve lost is a few hours. And if you find he or she isn’t all that bad…well…you never know what might happen.



About the Author:
Sari Holtz is a serial researcher who contributes regularly to, a website that offers web hosting reviews, as well as reports and ranks of the best online dating sites, online tax software and more. She is now happily married with four children…who don’t quite appreciate her obsessive research.



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