Why do men pick a woman with their penis?

. 05/10/2011 . 19 Comments

Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
I’m a 40 year old man that has been dating a wonderful lady in her mid-30s for six months. She’s been divorced for two years after a 12 year marriage (no children), and I’ve never been married.

We’ve begun discussing marriage. On the surface, that sounds like a good idea to me. But when we delve deeper and begin discussing the specifics of when/where, I freeze-up and have a difficult time talking.

I’ve heard various married men and women say ‘the secret to a happy marriage is to marry your best friend.’ My girlfriend is that. We can, and do, talk about anything and everything, and are truly on the same path in life spiritually, professionally, financially, and as regards family and children.

I think I’m afraid — not so much of ‘commitment’ per se, but rather of never experiencing with her the kind of love and fireworks I’ve felt for two of the roughly 15 other girlfriends I’ve had over the past 18 years. Unfortunately, both of those women dumped me after about three months, saying they did not have much chemistry with me (did not get more of an explanation than that.)

So I’m not sure whether the fireworks I’ve felt with the two other girlfriends are part of what might ever be a healthy, lasting relationship if I hold-out and wait to find that sort of chemistry with a third lady someday; or whether this love is something that somehow only occurs for me for women that for whatever reason just aren’t going to have that much chemistry with me. (I saw a therapist for 6 months and we could not figure out why I felt the way I did for these two.)

My girlfriend has told me she’s fallen in love with me and would like to get married. Ironically, I feel in many ways closer to her than to any of my previous girlfriends – even the two I was in love with. But the closeness I have with my girlfriend (ability to talk openly, and being on the exact same path in life), has not translated into ‘fireworks’ and love for me. My girlfriend is someone I admire and respect and know would be an amazing mother, but do not (yet) ‘love’ – at least not like I have the other two.

So, my dilemma is whether I marry my girlfriend and hope the fireworks develop (or resign myself to living without them), or end this relationship and pray for a relationship where the fireworks are mutual.

Signed,
Love to Know

Dear Love to Know:
I think the most telling part of your letter is that you admitted you felt sparks, heat and passion for only two of the women you’ve dated in the past – and neither one of them felt those things for you. THAT fact is the reality my dear, and it is also the key to your dilemma.

You are very much afraid of commitment. Not sure why it took your therapist six months and that question was still not answered. Doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know the signs.

There are few men who have never been engaged, lived with a woman, or been married by the age of 40. Women view such men as perennial bachelors with a defect, and tend to shy away from them. They figure that you must have some real issues with unrealistic expectations of women, of relationships, a fear of commitment or all three. And they are correct!

The fact that you think a suitable wife and life partner requires “fireworks” shows that you are thinking with your dick, not your brain.

You are also ignoring the fact that fireworks early in a relationship tend to confuse people. They get so caught up in the sexual fireworks that they enter into and stay in relationships with partners they are completely incompatible with.

Once the sexual novelty of new booty wears off (usually about 3 months), the couple breaks up. It’s at that point they realize they can’t stand each other’s thinking, hobbies, interests, children, friends, habits, or goals. They see their partner for whom and what they are instead of through the haze of passionate sex, and they don’t like what they see at all. It’s disappointing to realize that you don’t see eye to eye about anything nor do you have anything in common with someone you’ve been sleeping with for months!

If you were in the 18-23 age groups, we’d be having a different conversation. I believe that everyone should have a lover or two that they lose their head over, just for the experience. Love for the very young is all-encompassing. You never love as hard or as openly as you do the first time or two. Most of those early relationships are based strictly on sexual attraction, and they always blow up in our faces.

After such an experience, most people grow up and realize that loving someone changes sex, and changes who you are as well.

Since you’ve had so many short-term relationships, you don’t understand the dynamics of long-term love and sex. Even if a couple does have compatibility and passion, the burning passion they felt early in the relationship usually slows down to burning embers. There is still heat, but flames are seen only here and there.

Sex between a couple that communicates well and work well together out of bed is always fantastic. It’s a different kind of sexual connection than you think you should expect based on your boyish fantasies of the woman you thought you would marry. Sex with a long-term love is more spiritual and emotional. You demonstrate and share your feelings for each other when you make love. You also have the trust in each other to experiment and do wildly freaky things together that make you get up in the morning and put on your sunglasses (hiding your face so the world won’t recognize you as the man that was screaming like a girl the night before). LOL!

Ideally your early passion-based relationships serve a purpose, and that is to teach you what is REALLY important and which qualities you SHOULD be looking for when you select a life partner. Once you’ve moved past those fireworks types of relationships, you should be more mature and down to earth about the things that really matter in life.

So for you I have three suggestions.

  1. Tell her that dating after only six months is a bit soon. Be open and honest with her, sharing that you prefer to date for at least a year before you make plans in that direction. Tell her that marriage is a big step and you only plan to do it once which is why you have waited until the age of 40. Let her know that she is not wasting her time; but that you feel you two don’t know each other well enough quite yet, which is absolutely true. Ask for her cooperation in shelving talk of marriage until closer to the end of the year.
  2. During the next six months you need to get clear on what being a husband and what having a wife and family means to you. Journal if you think it will help you stay focused. This is mandatory, because you’re all over the place dude. It sounds like your criteria for a mate is very shallow, strictly focusing on the sexual appeal she holds for you and little to nothing else. I’m getting the distinct impression that you are still stuck in a high school boy’s “I want a hot girlfriend” mentality, which is not what makes a woman a loving, supportive, caring, sexually satisfying wife for the next 30 years.
  3. Re-read your letter to me. Highlight all the wonderful qualities this woman has and the words you use to describe your relationship with her. Then make notes on what you had with the two women you felt you “loved” and compare the two. Which qualities do you think will make you have the most peace-of-mind long-term? Which qualities do you think are those that will make you feel like a man that has made a smart decision and wise investment of his emotions? Which qualities do you think are required to make a woman an amazing mother, a fabulous addition to your extended family, and that prove her to be someone you can trust with your life?

Over the next six months you have some serious inner work to do.  It’s time to grow up fella. It’s time to change your selection criteria and begin to appreciate that the most important things you need to have in a wife are a woman that wants you, that likes you as a person, that loves you as her man, and who accepts you exactly the way you are. Such acceptance and devotion is priceless and should never be taken for granted or dismissed as having less value than a woman you picked with your erect penis.

MsHeartBeat

Dating expert and advice columnist since 1993, writing as Ms. HeartBeat. Author of the hilarious street smart dating guide "Sucka Free Love - How to Avoid Dating The Dumb, The Deceitful, The Dastardly, The Dysfunctional & The Deranged."

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Category: Dating Advice


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