If You Didn’t Provide it For Yourself, It’s Not SELF Esteem!
I don’t look for recognition or approval from a man to make me feel better about myself. Neither do I seek such recognition or approval from women. I allow no one to define me, and neither should you! I do what I want to do, and be who I want to be. If anyone tells me that I “can’t” do something because I am a woman, or because I am Black, or because I’m short or anything else, that thing moves to the top of my “goals to achieve” list! Then I make sure that I not only meet, but exceed the goal expeditiously!
Men with a fragile sense of their own masculinity often choose to tell women that there is a man shortage and that they best take the crumbs he is offering, or risk being alone forever. The goal of these guys is to instill fear in the hearts and minds of women and create anxiety and desperation. Remember, study after study proves that fearful people are the easiest to manipulate and control.
Women need to stop being fearful. Please understand that men who choose to play these games do not run anything but their mouths. Their penis and testicles provide them with no inalienable rights or privileges, nor does it bestow any superiority or special powers that you do not have in equal amounts. Remember, they can’t even create a child without you! Men have over women only the power and control that we give them.
Please recognize that!
My self esteem is invincible because it is SELF esteem. I create it for myself. I set goals for myself, I achieve goals for myself. I look in the mirror and love what I see staring back, even on bad hair days! LOL! I accept the things about myself that I know I can change and make better, but I don’t focus on them to the exclusion of the positive, wonderful things I really admire about who and what I am
Women who do allow themselves be put in the position of questioning themselves have adopted the negative comments and criticisms received from men or media images as facts. Instead of being down on yourself, say “well yeah, I probably could do XYZ more or better, but I’m still a great and wonderful person that does ZYX like a champ!” I NEVER compare myself negatively to anyone. Instead I say “hey, if they can do it, I can do it too, and probably better!”
And that is the key to maintaining a strong belief in and sense of pride about yourself. It’s very, very important as we move through the issues of dating to get this out of the way for both genders.
A man with low self esteem won’t like himself much, and he won’t understand why you like him either. Such guys are often resentful about the rejection they’ve received at the hands of women. You may notice him making snide comments about your happiness, success or achievements as he bursts your bubble and tries to bring you down a peg.
Due to the differences in gender socialization, women tend to be a bit different in relationships. Females aren’t socialized to have the upper hand, so their self-esteem most often plays out with poor choices in men and hanging onto a painful relationship out of fearful desperation.
Positive relationships with the opposite sex begin with establishing positive relationships with ourselves. Women must stop allowing men to impact or control in any way their self image — and thereby their SELF esteem. Men must stop expecting that a woman or many women is going to give them confidence and SELF esteem.
Anyone that tries to put you down with snide critical remarks that attempt to make you question yourself or your abilities, who tries to make you jump through hoops to gain his/her approval, or who in any way tries to remove the smile from your face or the light from your eyes is no one that you should EVER bother with.
Wave bye-bye to all the haters in your world!
Deborrah
Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.
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Category: Date Smarter, Not Harder
nice one!
The idea that your self esteem is influenced by others is true, esp. when you are a kid. But if you were beat down by your family as a kid and ended up with low self esteem, know that that is not a permanent, fixed state.
You need to own your feelings as an adult and begin building the inner knowledge that you are worthwhile. Otherwise, yes, you will attract people who are as sick as you are, think you are not worthy of esteem, and they will take advantage of you or worse. Relying on others for your own feeling of self-worth is useless in the long run.
Thanks so much for this article. I’m giving it to my daughter. She only 15 years old (way too young to date but nevertheless…) and i am trying my best to drill these values into her right now.
Well, this article is intersting but I never understood why people think that true self-esteem comes from within, I’m sorry but I don’t think that is true. As social creatures the bulk of self esteem comes from outward sources for both men and women. It’s in how people treat/have treated you starting from your parents and everyone else throughout your life. It is hard to build self esteem if people around you don’t think you are worth much, especially people you admire, love, and trust. It’s human nature, basic psychology.
Kiesha: “As social creatures the bulk of self esteem comes from outward sources for both men and women. It’s in how people treat/have treated you starting from your parents and everyone else throughout your life. It is hard to build self esteem if people around you don’t think you are worth much, especially people you admire, love, and trust. It’s human nature, basic psychology.”
You make some very valid points. Positive or negative reinforcement by the people we care about makes a huge difference in how we view ourselves. If we are broken by our parents as children, during the formative years, it is hard to recover from that. That said, there comes a time in someone’s life where they have to wake up and not continue to play the victim and allow how ‘others think of them’ keep them making unhealthy choices. Women especially have to be careful of this as we’ve been socialized to value our self worth through what a man ‘thinks of us’.
You misunderstand what the word “self” means then. It is VERY true. Self-esteem cannot come from outside sources, it comes from within. If you believe in yourself and your talents, abilities and intelligence, it doesn’t matter what other people say. You blow it off! You ignore them! Only people that have low self esteem care what naysayers say and take their thoughts and criticisms to be meaningful. If you really had high self esteem, no one could crack your belief in yourself and what they say or thought about you would not matter in the least. You would still do what you do, and congratulate YOURSELF when you meet the goals and tally up the achievements you have set for YOURSELF.
There are people that are other oriented, and there are people that are self oriented. The self oriented people have high self esteem and the other oriented are batted about like tumbleweeds in the wind, totally dependent upon getting the acknowledgement, recognition and approval of other people. To me that is dumb and you set yourself up to have your feelings crushed.
Caring about what other people think about you is foolhardy. People will be jealous and say things to try to hurt you. People will be envious and not want you to be better or do more than they do, so they will say things to try to hurt you. People will feel insecure about your confidence and abilities, and do or say things to try to bring you down to their level. Knowing that, why the hell would I give what some other person thinks any credence? That would make me as stupid as they are. One thing Deb is not is stupid.
I hope to reach even 40% of your confidence one day, Ms. Cooper. After 8 years without so much as a date, I am about ready to settle for any man who doesn’t pose a physical threat. Disgusting, I know. But I am a size 10 in a 0-6 land and, though I AM dieting and exercising and very healthy medically, I am constantly overlooked while guys ask me for my “cute” friends’ numbers.
Anyway, that’s my problem and no one else’s.
Thanks for inspiring me to try and find some self-created happiness.
Girl, we need to talk. Try to find me on the MEEBO one day. I usually hang out here and make myself available at least 2 hours per day.
The author makes an excellent point. Maybe this is why men take rejection so hard. They stake their confidence on whether a woman likes them or not so if they take a chance and approach a woman and she turns them down, for a guy that’s a death blow.
They take it so personally because they base ‘who’ they are on whether a woman likes them or not.
I think this hinders guys from approaching women because they are so afraid of rejection. For a guy saying no, to a dance, or a date to him means you are saying no to his manhood to who he is as a man. That’s a tough pill for men to swallow.
I co-sign on this article. 98% of the men mistakes I’ve made is because I was searching for that giddy man caused “happiness” instead of a stable self brought one.
great advice, I think its a process to get to where you are @ right now. I’m somewhere in between, because I let family get to me more than they should. Thanks for this amazing piece of wisdom, I’ll read it whenever I want to remind myself to continue on to my chosen path.