Interracial Dating Advice: White Female Afraid to Cross the Color Line

| 03/08/2012 | Comments (0)


Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
I’m a well-educated White female who grew up in a small town in Northern California. Since I broke up with my boyfriend of 7 years, I’ve found myself involved with an African American man. We’ve been friends for a very long time. I think I’ve been in love with him forever, but there is something that holds me back.

I’ve always been a very open minded, liberal person, and I love this man for WHO he is and have NEVER seen his color or ethnicity as a hindrance in our relationship. I’d appreciate your insight. What do you think holds me back?


Dear Color Line:
Making yourself vulnerable and open to love is difficult no matter WHAT the race or socioeconomic standing of the two people involved! But when you add the complexity of different cultures or races, the ante is always upped! It’s perfectly normal to have anxiety about something we’ve never done before and experience fear of the unknown.

I suggest you concentrate on assessing his rightness for you as a MAN first, and as a BLACK MAN second. If you feel he is the right man for you on a spiritual, mental and emotional level, then you will have to come to grips with the fact that you are more influenced by your social upbringing than you are willing to admit.

We all are raised to do what our parents feel is “the right thing.” That may mean avoiding premarital sex (but we do it anyway), smoke (but we do it anyway), drink liquor (but we do it anyway), cut class (but we do it anyway), lie cheat and steal (some of us do all three of those things anyway). As we grow up, we have to make our own path in life and do what works FOR US.

So, if you don’t want to limit your access to love to a man based on skin color, then don’t. Just realize that is a decision you are making and if you go that route, you cannot be afraid. You will have to deal with curious stares, rude questions from female friends (“is it true what they say about Black men in bed?”), dismay and confusion from your family that may not welcome him and may say rejecting nasty things to you that hurt your feelings.

And then there are the downright nasty comments you may hear from Black women that feel rejected by his choice to date White; from White men that think you are a Black man’s sex kitten; and from White women that either envy you or want to compare notes about “black studs” or are angry at you and want to turn their nose up. If you truly cannot handle the criticism, it is best that you avoid an interracial romantic relationship and keep your interaction with this man strictly platonic and friendly.

It takes serious willpower and personal fortitude to cut your own path in life and not allow yourself to be pigeonholed by the expectations of others. Do you have that strength? Do you have the assertiveness to go after what YOU want, and tell everyone they can kiss your butt if they don’t like it?

Only you can decide. But I hope this interracial dating advice response has given you some good food for honest thought.


(excerpt from dating guidebook “Sucka Free Love: How to Avoid Dating The Dumb, The Deceitful, The Dastardly, The Dysfunctional & The Deranged” by Deborrah Cooper. Available for purchase in paperback form on Amazon.Com; soon to be released as an Ebook available for purchase on this website.)

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Dating expert and advice columnist since 1993, writing as Ms. HeartBeat. Author of the hilarious street smart dating guide "Sucka Free Love - How to Avoid Dating The Dumb, The Deceitful, The Dastardly, The Dysfunctional & The Deranged."

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