The ‘Ho Test – Why and How Men Test the Women They Date (part 2)

| 01/03/2012 | Comments (13)

The Ho Test – Part 2

Okay, here we go!  The second half of the article is going to lay out 20 or so examples of the many tests men run and how you, if you are a woman seeking a truly loving and respectful relationship with the man of your choice, MUST respond to them. Read the first half here if you missed it.

To refresh your memory:  Tests are usually conducted for two reasons:  (1) to see how stupid you are and what he can get out of you with little to no effort or commitment; or (2) he is developing serious feelings for you and needs to increase his security and belief that you are the right kind of woman, someone he can feel secure with as his mate.  See, at the beginning the man really doesn’t care much and as stated in part 1 of this article, his tests have a different focus.  If you fail his tests after he is attached emotionally, he’ll be disappointed, but that will pale in comparison to the relief he feels that he found out about you before getting in too deep!

Remember though, just because you pass his early tests does not mean he will stop testing.  Even married women are occasionally tested during phases where their husbands are tempted with cheating, have actually cheated, or have a moment of insecurity and need reassurance that their wife is not cheating on or about to leave them.

The Test

What a ‘Ho Does

What a Lady Does

The Can I Bullshit Her and Get Away With It Test:  He says: “Girl, I am really catchin’ feelings for you” or some other innocuous statement that you don’t truly understand the meaning of. Assumes the “feelings” are love and flies those legs open.  May even get pregnant assuming that it will mean something to him other than 18 years of torture. Understands that he is merely throwing out some bait designed to get her on the hook.  After all, he hasn’t really said ANYTHING.  The feelings could be hunger pains but are most likely horniness.
The How Stupid is She to Believe This Mess Test:  He says: “Girl, I love you and I’m going to marry you!” within a few days or a week of meeting.  Or may tell you about the bills or rent he could “help you with,” the big ticket items he could buy your children (since he knows you can’t), or spins other Fairy Godfather wish fulfillment dreams where he takes care of you. Assumes his words are true without any backup and without knowing the guy because she is so desperate to believe somebody wants her.  Her legs part like the Red Sea.  She feels that since he plans to spend all this money, he must be serious about her.  She may get pregnant, now that she thinks she is the wifey and that he has made some sort of commitment. Understand that he is merely throwing out bait to catch a Coochie Fish.  Our girl has better sense than to get caught up in a fantasy of herself as the kept woman or wife of a man she knows absolutely nothing about.  She knows that if it sounds to good to be true, it is!
The Do You Get That I Don’t Give a Damn About You Test:  He says: “I love you but I’m not IN LOVE with you” or “I am seeing a couple of somebody’s besides you.” Sticks around and makes herself a slave to try to get him to love her.  She treads water and wastes her time with a man who has flatly stated he is not interested in anything that remotely resembles a 1-on-1 relationship. Understands that he is saying he likes her as a person but has no real romantic interest and that the best she could get from this guy would be a Bed Buddy.  Since our girl is looking for more, she thanks him for his honesty and leaves to find a man that wants what she wants out of life.
The Back Door Bitch Test: He has been dating you for months and says he loves you, but you have yet to meet any of his friends or family. You have not gone to his house. You may not even have his home number – only a pager or cell phone.  He always makes excuses why you cannot go with him when he hangs out with friends or visits relatives. Whines and cries about how he is treating her, but doesn’t do anything about the fact that she is the other woman in somebody else’s relationship.  She remains content to stay in the closet and be his booty call. Understands that if he loved her and was proud to be seen with her, he would not just say words of love, his behavior would match those words. A lady is not content with being in the back room of any man’s life.
The Married Man Test #1: He says that he is married or living with someone or has a girlfriend, but is quick to add that they “have an understanding” or that he is unhappy and just there for the kids, or that he can’t leave her because she might commit suicide.  He asks you for your number so he can call and you two can “get together.” OR you have kicked it with him for a while and he finally admits that he is NOT divorced and NOT separated, but still very married. Gives him the number and makes sure she is around so he can come over.  OR figures that since they’ve already been together, it doesn’t matter that he is married.  All their “dates” take place in her bed, or on the couch, or on the floor.  He never takes her out but she doesn’t care.  She begins to plot on how she can get him away from “her” and have him for herself. Tells him that she enjoyed talking to him but that she isn’t looking for any more male friends and isn’t trying to get in the mix with him and his woman.
The How Trifling Are You Test:  He knows you have a husband or boyfriend already but tries to get at you anyway.  Promises a good time, maybe a trip or trinkets. This is usually a man from your past – an ex-boyfriend or ex-husband. May even tell you that he doesn’t care that you have a man because he has a woman at home as well. Calculates the benefits to getting with this guy, what she can get out of the deal, and how to keep her man from finding out.  All words of commitment she made fly right out the window when confronted with the possibility of having a good time.  Feels that its okay because she “still has feelings” for this ex. Understands that men’s egos and the need to win over other men are at play and that the ex wants to prove to himself that he can still get her any time he wants.  The lady tells him that he is trifling and requests that he get out of her face with the nonsense.  She cuts off contact with him (which may not be possible if there are joint children involved), or she limits his contact and restricts time alone around him.
The Will She Act Right in Public Test:  He will observe how you handle yourself in public, in situations with his friends or relatives… men he knows are good looking, attractive to women, full of game and ready for fun. Raves on and on about how cute his friends are, asks lots of questions of his friends about their status, or talks to his friends about the status of your relationship.  May even flirt with one of his friends and attempt to get with him on the under. Understands that his friends are his friends and not hers and maintains boundaries of distance with them.  She exhibits respect for her man at all times while in public.  She does not discuss personal details of her relationship with his friends.
The What Can I Get Out of Her Without a Commitment Test:  You tell him that you want a committed relationship and he tells you that he doesn’t. She sticks around determined to change his mind, investing emotions and sacrificing her body to a player.  She whines and cries about him to her friends.  When he finally gets tired of her or meets someone more to his liking, he dumps her.  She then bitterly complains that all men are dogs that take advantage of a woman’s love and that she has been used. Understands that he is not the man she needs or wants in her life and moves on immediately.
The Intellect Test:  He wants to see how intelligent you are, what you pick up on, how willing you are to be a participant and not a guest in a relationship She has nothing to offer in the conversation department except drivel on rappers, gossip about her girls, what she saw on Young & Restless or Jerry Springer, or material things like cars, jewelry or clothes. She thinks all she has to do is look cute and sex him down. Understands that mental stimulation is as much a bonding agent as emotional attachment.  Is well read or at least watches the news, and has thoughts and opinions on a wide variety of topics.  Makes it a point to learn something new every day or so.  Entices her man’s mind before she entices his behind.
The Morals Test:  He will talk about cheating… maybe how a friend got cheated on, or his ex woman cheated on him.  He wants to know your stance on fidelity. She has no comment at all on the subject.  Or gets defensive and gives reasons why cheating might be necessary or justified.  She may even say “men do it so women have every right to do it too!” Understands that it is important to a man that wants to make a commitment that his woman be HIS WOMAN.  She discusses the issues and problems openly and honestly and shares with the man her position on fidelity and commitment.
The Freak  ‘Ho Test:  He asks how you feel about or your interest in having two men or two women in bed with you, going to an orgy, or participating in some other freaky sexual activity. Is all for it and down for whatever!  May suggest possible participants or break for the telephone and start calling her friends to check availability. Understands that even if he is really interested in such activities, after the fun is over he will trip about what she might do behind his back since she would do all this in his face!  He will never completely trust her again.  Our lady tells him that is a great fantasy and she hopes it excites him enough to turn her out in bed.
The Booty Call Test:  You are just getting to know each other and you notice during your phone conversations that he always wants to talk about sexual things… how you do it, when you do it, where you do it, what you wear when doing it, etc.  He may boldly brag that he can “turn you out” or will be the best you ever had.  Though he knows a lot about your sex life, you don’t really know much about him or he about you… Is down with her favorite conversation because she really doesn’t have much else to offer a man besides some tail.  Lust means more to her than love.  Her willingness to engage in sexually explicit conversation with a relative stranger lets him know that she is an easy target for hit and run sex and other user or mind games. Understands that a man that respects a woman and feels she has more to offer him than sex would not approach in such a fashion.  Also knows that sex with no emotional connection gets boring to men pretty fast.  She refuses to engage in conversation about her sexual habits and informs the gentlemen that his line of questioning is wholly inappropriate.  She tells him that if and when he should have something INTELLIGENT to say she may agree to talk to him.
The Married Man Test #2:  He will ask you or ask around about you to see if you have ever been associated with a married man and if so, what you did about it.  Men love to gossip about the women they have known and what the women have done and with who… Not have a problem with dating a married man as long as her needs are being met or she feels that she is “getting over” financially in some way.  Enjoys it to the point that may only seek out relationships with married men.  May ultimately threaten him with telling his wife when she gets tired of playing second fiddle. Understands that a man that is looking for a wife does not want some trifling tore up ‘ho that would date a married man!  He would never trust such a woman around his friends that are married!  A lady has carried herself in such a way that this is not an issue that is a part of her past or current program.
The Set Up By His Friend Test #1:  He will have a friend or male relative come over when he is not at home, or call when he is gone, and flirt with or try to get at you to check out how you respond to the game. Laughs and giggles and is pleased.  Gives her number or a lot of personal information so that the friend of her boyfriend’s can easily find her at school, or at work and hook something up. Tells the friend that she does not appreciate the conversation and that he is being very disrespectful to her and her man.  Puts him in check.  May report the behavior to her man.
The Set Up By His Friend Test #2:  You are a friend of his woman’s.  He knows you know they are together or even married.  He tries to get at you anyway, complaining that she doesn’t satisfy him, that she is not as sexy as you are, that he has always been attracted to you from the first day you met… Laughs and giggles and is pleased with the flattery.  Goes along with the game.  Feels superior to her friend… that she can “take her man.”  Invites him over or goes over to her girl’s crib to get it on with dude in THEIR BED.  Brags about what she did to her friends, most of whom are equally low class. Tells him that he is trifling and that she does not appreciate his line of conversation.  Reminds him that his woman is HER FRIEND and that she takes her friendships seriously.  Puts his butt in check.  May report the behavior to her friend, but usually won’t because it would be too hurtful to someone she deeply cares for.  Will begin to drop hints to friend that she may not know him as well as she thinks she does.
The Baby Momma Test:  He will sit back and observe how you treat and take care of your children – nutritionally, medically, socially, mentally and physically.  Will observe how you handle him being around your children, what barriers you erect to his involvement, how you interact with the daddy, how involved you are in your children’s lives. Feeds her children Ramen noodles and hot dogs or McDonald’s.  Rarely cooks. Let’s them watch television all day, does not discipline them, allows them to talk back to her, cusses and screams at them.  Has many different children by different baby daddies.  Is quick to drop the kids off with whomever or leave them at home alone unsupervised, to chase after a man or go clubbing.  Has a history of sleeping with many different men and parades them over her children.  Smokes weed, snorts coke or gets drunk, sometimes around her children. Demonstrates responsibility for herself and her fertility.  Selectively breeding with a chosen man, preferably a husband.  Responsibly takes care of her household and children who are well mannered, polite, disciplined.  The house is clean and neat and the bills paid.  The children read books, go to church, etc.  The mother loves them, but is not so wrapped up in them that there is no space in her life for a man.
The Gold Digger Test:  He will pull out a fancy car, diamond rings, designer sportswear or suits, or talk about how much money he makes and his plans for the future to see how you respond. Want to drive his car, ask where he lives, flip out about how well he dresses, calculates by his job how much money he makes, want to wear his gold chain, or start hinting about what she wants or needs in the way of jewelry, bills paid, nails or hair done, etc. Understands that a ‘ho banks on what she is going to get out of a man in exchange for booty or preferably just on her looks and conversation.  A lady, however, comes to the table with her own and not with her hand out.  She is seeking a partnership, not to use someone.
The Self Esteem Test:  May repeatedly and critically suggest that you get your hair done differently, your boobs enlarged, that you lose weight – that something is terribly wrong and you need to change to suit his tastes.  He may call you stupid, lazy, ugly, a bitch, or even physically abuse you.  He will try to control where you go and who your friends are. May even suggest that you turn tricks by sleeping with “a few folks I know.”  He wants to see how you handle these obnoxious behaviors. More afraid of losing him than she is losing herself, the confused ‘ho scurries around trying to change to please him.  Allows herself to be mistreated, used, abused, continually disrespected and picked apart with criticism.  She allows him to define who and what she is. Understands that a man that appreciates and cares for HER would treat her with kindness and consideration, even if he did have a valid critical comment to make.  She does not accept less and informs him that she is not going to accept damaging treatment.  She leaves a relationship rather than endure negativity, power games or controlling mind trips.
The Cash Money Test:  After sex or spending the night he leaves cash laying around the house somewhere, usually with a watch or pager or phone on top of it.  He prepares to leave then “suddenly remembers” where he left his watch, pager or phone and asks you to get it for him. She assumes he left the money for her as payment for services rendered.  She brings him his watch, pager or phone and says nothing about the money or smiles and says “thank you.” Understands that prostitutes are paid in this fashion and quickly puts dude in check by stating “do not EVER try to treat me like a ‘ho leaving money on the table like that again!”  Even if she doesn’t say anything to him about his little trick, she picks up the money AND the item and gives him all of them without comment.
The Assertiveness Test:  You invite him over for dinner.  You two agreed that you would supply the food and beverage, but that he would bring a bottle of wine to enjoy with or after the meal.  He shows up empty handed with a smile and says he didn’t feel like stopping at the store. Smiles and says its okay.  Proceeds to serve him a delicious dinner without saying a word about his negative, selfish behavior.  May even end up giving him some booty at the end of the night! Expresses her dismay and that she was looking forward to relaxing with him over a glass of wine.  She tells him that she expects the man in her life to keep his promises.  Requests that he head to the nearest grocery or liquor store.  If he still refuses, she gets out her Tupperware, puts the food away and sends him packing with an empty stomach and his bad attitude.
The Can I Have Her and You Too Test:  You discover that your husband or man who claims he is committed just to you has been cheating.  He may have even been having unprotected sex, proven by the fact that he has gotten some other woman pregnant while he was with you! Pretends not to know what is going on OR is so afraid of “losing him” that she doesn’t say anything.  Hopes by ignoring the problem it will go away.  May retaliate by going out and sleeping with some fool to even the score.  Blames the other woman or takes out her anger on the innocent child instead of the man who has deliberately hurt her. Tells him that she knows what he did and how disappointed in him she is.  Tells him that his behavior is unacceptable and that he has violated established boundaries of their allegedly committed relationship.  Immediately gets a full medical exam and schedules a follow up in 90 days.  Kicks Mr. Trifling out of her house and life.  Decisively moves on to bigger and better things.
The Entitlement Test:  He will give you his store credit card or a large sum of cash, and ask you to go and pick out some household items or new clothes for him. Assumes that she has the right to buy for herself right along with the things she buys for him.  She happily picks out some new shoes and a new outfit and maybe even some earrings.  Stops to pick up some Pampers for her baby on the way home, also purchased out of dude’s money. Understands that a man needs to feel that he can trust you to do what you say you are going to do and not be a sneak or take advantage of him.  A lady purchases the requested items and that’s ALL.  She shows respect for a man’s resources and property.
The Booty Call Test:  A man you barely know calls you at midnight (possibly after leaving the club) and informs you in a low and sexy voice that he is in your neighborhood… “Would you like some company?” Says “okay!” and jumps up ready to receive a “guest” in the middle of the night. Sleeps with him on the first night (or the second or third). Doesn’t care that her two children are asleep in the next room. Asks him why he thinks he has the right to call her at that time of night.  Flatly tells him that it is inappropriate to do so.  She tersely informs him that she does not have company at midnight and hangs up her phone.
The Baby Game:  After 2 months of dating, he works on convincing you to have his baby – talking about how beautiful the baby will be, how you all can be a family.  He may go so far as to tell you that he will take care of or even adopt your other children. He has not mentioned marriage however. Thinks she has hit the gold mine.  May dream of huge child support payments or at least of having a second income and a man around all the time to help her with the children.  Consents to have unsafe sex with this relative stranger.  She sets herself up to be used for a place to stay or a hot meal since she is now “my baby’s momma.” Being responsible for herself, she informs the guy that she only intends to have a child when she is properly married to a man she loves and that loves her in return.
The Will She Realize I Don’t Give a Damn Test #2:  He arranges a date early in the budding relationship then stands you up.  He doesn’t call, doesn’t show up at all! He does not return your inquiring message until the next day, if then. Will call and call and call and call and page and call some more.  When he finally does show up or call will be so happy to hear from him decides not to be angry and “ruin things.”  She may inquire as to what happened, but expresses no true upset about his treatment.  Will even agree to go out with him again or have sex to “make up.” Understand that a man that shows marked disrespect for her time and energy and has not the common courtesy to call and let her know of a change in plans is no kind of man to be bothered with.  She cuts him off and refuses to be bothered with him again.


(continued on page 2 below)

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Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.

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  1. Nicknameme says:

    There are times when I would like to know why men are always testing women so thank you Deborrah for the article. Once you get past the title you can see that men have ways of looking for what they want in a woman as do women with men. This article has some very good points but interesting enough I think that calling the article a Ho-Test will get less support because women don’t like being called hoes so in order to get a woman’s attention maybe a little more positive tone would help.

  2. Nicknameme says:

    I try to figure men out and I definitely think men go straight for what they want and they test women.

    I would not call a woman a ho as I would not call a black person a nigger. Derogatory words like that usually get negative feedback or no support.

  3. Nickellme says:

    Hello, I really like this article. It is good information. I’m a bit of an introvert so I would have a guy come and not deliver a lot. I thought I was saving the bigger arguments over the smaller ones for example, If he’s looking at his phone at dinner or doesn’t give a gift for my birthday. These are minor things so it’s not worth arguing over. And if you do, it becomes nagging behavior. Should I make a big deal out of these things? What is your opinion of this?

  4. knutz says:

    What’s a Ho ? cause I think I might be one! Only time and actions will show you the real person of course if you’re dating a woman who’s never been married and has a baby by her last 3 or 4 BFs you can see her cat fax is a mess, dont walk away run forrest run

  5. misthang01 says:

    Men who test and constantly test are of low self esteem. There are better and more effective ways to tell if a woman is a ho or not. A real woman and man don’t have or shouldn’t have time for such immature games. This kind of mess is probably why I stay single. I call it out as soon as I see “the test” in motion. A man should be able to trust his judgement and observe as time goes by. Bad mate choices aren’t made because the parties didn’t test enough, they happen because 1. the right questions aren’t asked in the dating process (tests are passive aggressive), 2. the two weren’t in tuned with their own moral makeup and needs, 3. they got together for all the wrong reasons in the first place. As much as I appreciate this article, I must say the follow-up should be to all men that TESTING a woman at this magnitude makes you an ass clown and you will miss out on a great woman with your nonsense. IF she finds anything remotely redeemable about you, she may keep space open for you in her life for when you get YOUR crap together.

    • Deborrah says:

      As much as you may hate it, tests are done by men and they will continue to be done. It reflects insecurity as it should since a man doesn’t know you. What women need to do is stop being so accepting of what they hear from men and instead run their own tests.

  6. MissTaylor says:

    i love it! Im only 22, so this article meant a whole lot to me…Thank you Deborrah!!

  7. Doogan says:

    I’m glad to see this again. So much truth here.

    But PLEASE, change the name. I’ve sent this to many women over the years. The problem is that the women who most need to read it will often see Ho Test and immediately say “Well I know I’m not a ho,” and ignore it.

    One my greatest personal revelations in my dating life is that there are worse things than being alone. And if you date someone who doesn’t respect you, then you’ll find out what those things are. The less afraid you are of being alone, the more assertive you can be in defending your boundaries, and the more likely you are to find a man who will treat you well.

    And if a man runs away when you demand respect, then he’s just done you a huge favor.

    • Deborrah says:

      I can’t change the name. But might I suggest when you send the link along, include a note that explains the title and that though they may not perceive themselves to be a ‘ho, men are still going to test them because HE needs to know that. And these are some of the tests that a guy may run. Give them a heads up of the content.

      Glad to know you have seen it before. I felt so dumb that I had neglected to move it over from the other site.

  8. realbeautifulwomenwearscarves says:

    I love the insight in this article. I love getting a peek into the male’s cognitive process. Unfortunately, if this article is a good example of their thoughts then this process is a weak determinant of something like the true character of a good woman.

    I think this process is testing a naive or ignorant (lack of education) woman vs. a prepared and/or experienced woman. Those two kinds of women should not be put into comparison. It is simply unfair. Alot of woman do think higher of themselves than “ho” status but their behavior (according to the chart) may suggest otherwise to a man.

    Do men ever think that what they perceive as desperation is just a woman desperate to make a connection with a man she actually ENJOYS and not desperation for a man period. Women meet TONS of men and out of that truckload, maybe 2 are official to her…think about that for a second. TWO out of a truckload!(there are ALOT of throwbacks out there gentlemen) And if one of that 2 respond in-kind then of course she is going to bend in areas that the chart clearly reduces her for.

    I personally have been one of those women ,however, I resent being catorgorized under terms as rigid as “ho” when my behavior is SOMETIMES the result of not being fulfilled by the living breathing sorry choice of men out there, or just not knowing any better about this game of power POLITICS and male arrogance. It is men that think according to this chart, who misappropriate a woman’s love for her desperation.

    In the end, in my opinion these Men lose… because they potentially throw the baby out with the bath water with this type of arrogant assessment. The best thing for any human to do when critiquing is to look at themselves first.

    Google search this article: Stop Test Driving Your Girlfriend by Michael Lawerence

    • Deborrah says:

      Men run the ho test for one reason – to see if you are a ho and if he can trust that you will maintain access to the vagina he wants to brand as HIS only for him. That’s it! Its not about character, education, business acumen, cooking ability, intelligence or looks. It’s all about what you do with your vagina when he is not around. He is testing to see if you are an easy mark for other men to run game on and get access to HIS vagina.

      Men’s egos are too fragile to think that he might be so special and desirable to you, that you would be different with him than you have any other man ever in your entire life. They don’t believe that because they do not believe themselves to be special or different than other men.

      So see, when you look at it in that way, the testing takes on a whole new meaning, doesn’t it?

    • jazmin1957 says:

      BEEEEutifully said. This article, Ms. Scarves, should be published.

    • Real1 says:

      Most men do run at least one of these tests on women, but for different reasons. There are men who truly want to be in a committed relationship therefore they want to be with a woman who will also be committed. Like you said Scarves, most women meet plenty of men, most women I’ve dated date often, and may date 2 or 3 men at a time. How do I really know I’m special to this woman and not just another one of the guys she’s dating?

      A woman who’s going to cheat, flirt with my friends, is into sex with women as well as with men, will drain my bank account and move on to the next, is usually not going to come right out and say that. Sometimes the only way to know these things is to test out how she reacts to certain conversations or situations.

      Most women aren’t all around desperate they’re not going to sleep with any and every man, and give any and every man their attention. There are a lot of women however, who seem desperate to fall in love. I think some women are in love with the idea of falling in love, not the actual man they claim to be in love with. If a woman is supposedly so in love after a very short amount of time without even really knowing me, who’s to say she won’t leave for any other man who says “I love you?’

      I think any man who isn’t testing women in some way is being very naive, and will learn the hard way.

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