A Date is NOT You Making Butt-Prints on My Couch!
The first thing some men do after talking on the phone a time or two is press for an invitation to a woman’s home. A “no, I don’t know you well enough yet” response may cause such a man to press even harder and become downright irritated at your refusal to give him what he wants. What is behind this very common behavior pattern, and what should a woman do to counter it?
I’ve had some difficulty understanding this “can I come over?” phenomenon. At first I used to think it was just a part of the ‘how quickly I can get some action from her’ game, but even after making it very clear that was NOT going to happen, they still press to come over. I guess they think once they get here I will change my mind?
I’ve been a single mom since 1997 after a horrible car accident. I didn’t date for awhile, but when I decided to get back out there, I did not allow men to come over for quite some time, if at all. I would tell them that I am a single parent and that I don’t ever expose my daughter to Stranger Danger, and if they had a problem with my being protective of my space and my kid, then we had no reason to continue talking. Most understood that and backed off. Most.
I wanted to get a male perspective on this irritating behavior, so I asked a couple of guys why formal dating has been replaced by this “come over and watch tv” nonsense.
A childhood friend of mine (now a happily married father of two) who willingly retired his player card told me: “There are a lot of women out there that have no respect for themselves. I’d put a little bait out there to see if she’d bite. My goal was to test a woman on this issue, when I actually had no intention of going over to her place. This was just my way of gauging her self-worth and self-esteem. If she told me “no way!” she earned a certain level of respect in my eyes. I admit that my test is probably in the minority, but there are many men out there like me looking for a woman of quality, a woman with class.”
His buddy stopped watching the Lakers smash Denver long enough to nod his head in agreement and chimed in with: “I don’t completely blame men for getting right to the point, and women need to understand this. Why must men play the dating game if they are just interested in easy sex? Believe it or not, some women are not worth taking out Deb! If a broad don’t have good conversation, is sour and has an attitude, or is trying to come up and use me for a free dinner, why would I waste my time or money on her? It’s about how a woman presents herself to men. Hey, it’s sad but some women present themselves as having nothing to offer but some tail!”
Ouch!
The Importance of Boundaries and Standards
The bottom line for women is this: Though some men may expect to come over to your home, you have the ultimate decision-making power.
Establish standards for the men in your life and do not allow them such familiarity in the early “getting to know you” phase. You two should be going out on dates. The dates should not be prohibitively expensive dates if he is generous enough to offer to pay. Going Dutch is another option to consider, one which levels the playing field and reduces expectations on both sides. Men should be aware of the fact that most women do not appreciate you asking them out, then announcing that the date is Dutch; be prepared to never see her again if you go that route.
Dating means spending time doing fun activities together, companionable excursions that allow you and your date to interact and get to know each other. They don’t have to be pricey and a big deal, however. Some of my most memorable dates have been sitting at the park on the swings talking and swinging, at the beach making sandcastles, or at a small gathering at someone’s home playing cards and dominoes and talking.
If a guy insists on coming over to your house in lieu of dating, you can bet he is not interested in anything more than an easy hit and run conquest. These guys will want to come over because they feel if they can get you in the “I ain’t got to take her anyplace to get some lovin'” mode, it’s all gravy! They’re also either really, really cheap, and/or involved with some other female and cannot risk getting caught in public hanging out with you!
Neither of those options should be acceptable.
The ante goes up if you are a single Mom. A man respectful of you and your child would be hesitant to meet the kids so early on for fear that the kids may send him packing with their disapproval. Sincere men also worry that a young child might become attached and suffer emotionally should you two decide that you aren’t a good match. Good guys don’t want to feel that they are responsible for breaking a small child’s heart.
Know that if you meet a man and he invites himself to your home, you can be assured that this fella is not the least bit interested in a serious relationship with you. Being invited to your home is not a right. An invitation to spend time with you under the roof of your castle should always be viewed as a singular honor and privilege bestowed to a worthy few.
Tighten up your game ladies and stop making it so easy and convenient to be used for sex. Keep your front door closed and make your couch and your home off-limits for early dating.
Originally published May 30, 2009
Deborrah
Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.
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Category: Date Smarter, Not Harder
if a guy ever invited me over to his house and we just met im dropping his ass i learned my lesson and stop talking to him the next day. men are just pompous judgemental assholes. which is why im going to enjoy treating them like shit in the future. men kill me with all these hoops u got to jump through, all these hasty judgements and games. i just dont give a care. im just curious to know how do u know when a man is interested in you
ive learned my lesson if a guy ever tell me that and we just met im not speaking to him again. i only got one booty call, and even im starting to cut that short.
I love this article! For me, it is 10 years to late. There is nothing more disappointing to hear than a potential friend/lover/mate…whateva say, “can I come over?” My mind at 23 years old (naive) thought is was a simple harmless vow of interest. Me at 33 views this request as what it is…a sorry man poorly masking his sorriness, while insulting a possibly confident and secure woman in the process.
Whether 18 or 35 no woman deserves for her self-worth to be bottled up in her sexual prowess and then “tested” by a fool in a self-proclaimed dating lab coat. How dare a man assume this role? To that- I literally say “who the eff are you???” to determine my worth based on my sexual boundaries with you or anyone? That is such a stupid and self-serving litmus test for the inflated and deranged egoist…smh. This critique of a woman is way above a man’s pay-grade.
If I’m going to be judged I rather a man judge my self worth by observing whether or not I require him to provide me with the results of his last health checkup before any nookie goes down. Also, in addition to that seeing how insistent I am that he wears a raincoat at all times no matter what!…. Sex goes hand in hand with being human GENTLEMAN..last I checked women were human.
However as usual, (yawn) men have this warped method of assessing a woman’s complement to themselves and the world. And because they do we ALL suffer. A woman who loves herself may have you over and may even give you some form of action but if you notice she is not proactively paranoid about deterring your STD’s (men carry STD’s silently b/c many of them show no symptoms on them) and babies THEN you have a problem on your hands.
I have to say, I am not advocating the emotional chaos that sometimes comes with casual sex and I do understand that any person who allows people to come in and out of their bedroom may have some emotional issues to be sorted, but we as a community have to be clear about discerning THAT issue from that of a woman’s self worth/self respect.
It’s 2011 PEOPLE! As for all you bonafide lazy men out there that don’t want to court a woman’s interest outside of HER house because you are broke or just flat out lame I suggest you fill out an application to clown school. You might just get in.