Hello Ms. Cooper, my name is Marvin Smitty Smith. I've just discovered your site, and I enjoy your posts; there's a lot of good information, and some good laughs too. I just read the "Ho Test", and I think both men and women need to read it. In fact, I'm going to e-mail it to a very good lady friend of mine.
Hi Deborrah! Great topics that appeal to our community of women. I only came upon your site researching about communication and a parent's tone of voice. What I saw was the survey of sexual abuse of children in the Black Community that you are doing. I just placed SurvivingDating in my book marks. Love it!
Good Morning Ms. Cooper. Just wanted to let you know that I am a first time listener to your BlogtalkRadio show and I am hooked. I absolutely love, love love how you keep er'thang real and straight to the point.
You are awesome and I'm bragging/informing all of my female friends to listen too...Please keep up the great work cause Lawd knows we ALL need it....Have an awesome day...
Deborrah, I love your site! Keep doing what you are doing! Your articles have been so enlightening! What a blessing you have been to so many of us! I REALLY like your article on black men being sociopaths. It is hard being a strong sista in this society. keep doing what you are doing! be blessed. Can't wait until your blog talk radio show returns either!
Hi there Ms. Cooper:
I am Pamela and I have been wanting to tell you how much I enjoy your insight and wisdom as it pertains to dating and relationships. For a while I have been looking for your email address because I wanted to send you a BIG THANK YOU for your commentary on the black church keeping black women single. You are so en pointe and I applaud you!
You're absolutely wonderful and fill a niche market about relationships: black singles. Yet, your wisdom applies across the board which is nice. I imagine that you are quite busy so I won't continue on. But, if I were granted a wish, it would be to chat with you! Please keep up the good work. Goodbye for now. I remain, sincerely, Pamela
Deborrah- I recently came across your podcast on iTunes and I just wanted to write a quick note to say how much I love it and how much I appreciate you providing such a terrific forum for dating conversation. I've listened to a few of the podcasts now and I really enjoy the topics, panelists and guests. Most importantly you ask the kinds of questions and voice the issues I have with dating so it's been extremely helpful for me to listen in. Thanks for giving your time and effort to make them available!
Deborrah, I want to thank you for this website. Your writing and delivery method is one of the best I've seen on the web. You've said alot of what I think but cannot find the words to articulate. I've even opened myself to dating men of other races and find it to be suprisingly rewarding. Please keep up the good works and continue stand your ground!
Hi Ms. Heartbeat, Thanks for doing the show this weekend on DL men! I chatted with you back in the summer and asked could this topic be addressed.
And I know there's a lot of homophobia and resistance from the LBGT community about honestly discussing the topic, but thanks for the courage and getting the dialogue started.
Several years ago, you provided me with a short, direct advice that has proven to be a turning point in my life, and I still feel enormous gratitude towards you for that. Now, I am happily married with three kids. Thank you very much, I wish you all the best for this New Year 2011!
A Happy Man
Hi Deborrah! I have been reading some of your articles and they are interesting and insightful. Thank you for taking the time to share.
I just wanted to add that I was socialized to believe that I needed a man to make me happy. Although no one ever told me those exact words as I was growing up, I know I didn't get these ideas from nowhere. So thank you again for your insight!
Dear Ms Cooper,
I write about this email below.
I would like to tell you that I followed your advice. I have got out of this relationship.
I feel reborn, not bound to any stupid non-sense commitment. And I feel a brand new respect for myself which I hadn't felt for ages...
I am dreadfully sorry for my ex-girlfriend, but I am not hurt. It was absolutely the correct thing.
Partly, your email triggered the action.
Pedro M., from Madrid, Spain
Thank you for the frank and wise advice. I feel as though you were on target. To be honest the very act of just writing you and listing the positives about the relationship between my girlfriend and me was very reassurring. As I said, as time goes on I feel more and more sure of our relationship. Yet and still there are those little nagging questions like an itch that you just can seem to scratch, but you have certainly put every thing into perspective.
I appreciate your insight and candor. There is an old folk tale about a wealthy man with a younger, beautiful wife. One of the the man's servants observes the wife acting strangely and hears voices coming from her room.
In an act of loyalty he tells his master that he suspects that the wife has lover. At first the man is furious and storms into her room. He notices that his wife acts strangely protective over a large chest that he doesn't quite riecognize. It is large enough to conceal a man. He demands that his wife opens the chest. She protest her breach of privacy and professes her love. He presses the matter and finally she caves in, obviously hurt by her husband's lack of trust.
The man seeing this, orders four of his servants to take the chest to the far reaches of his estate and bury it, and the two never speak of it again. I feel as though your encouraging counsel will help me to do what is best and bury the past.
One thing is certain. I am blessed to have my girlfriend in my corner.
I read the whole article about the Ho Test. You are absolutely right. I am being tested now, as I type this. I am failing miserably. That is why I had to end the "What can I get out of her without a commitment" and the "Booty Call" Test tonight. Thanks for the advice and I love your web site. It is the most honest site that I have been on.
Thanks so much. You have helped me look at things a little bit better. I applaud your every effort to help us all black men and women, cuz Lord we need it. I want a good man, and I'm willing to wait for as long as it takes. I'm worthy of it. I'm just mad that my man is still bullshitting after he almost lost his life. I would think that he would look at life and be more appreciative, but hey you can lead a horse to the water. . .
Thank you again. I will highly recommend you to all my friends. You are a strong black women, you go girl. . .
Chanel J. Clark
I absolutely loved the 'ho test article! It was such an inspiration. I hope young girls across the world read each and every question and answer.
This way, more girls will be on the lady side!!!!
I hope you are still around when my infant daughter comes of age, and she looks for a female role model (other than my self). keep up the good work.
I just want to send my kudos to Ms. HeartBeat. I am a 43-year-old professional woman who has been there and done that in all kinds of relationships. Ms. HeartBeat knows what she is talking about. If her advice could only be given to high-school kids, before they start making stupid mistakes, a great deal of life's pain and confusion could be avoided. I encourage her to continue on her path, and maybe mention once in awhile that the pursuit of an education is a terrific alternative to fantasy relationships--for both men and women. Ms. HeartBeat is wise, real and down-to-earth. It is refreshing to read her words. I very much appreciate her mind and her wisdom.
I love how she keeps it real, a wake up call is always due, when u fallin off. I have deep respect 4 that, regardless how hard it might hit home.
Thank you so much for replying to my question. Your advice is excellent and the points you brought up reassured me that this is a feasable situatioin.
It's not everyday that that someone can come across a person like you, a person who truly cares about her fellow human being. I really feel that everyone on this earth can learn a great deal from you. I don't know if you believe in Jesus, but you are truly following in his footsteps. Once again, my gratitude is endless you really made my day.
Thanks for that advice, that was something that I really needed to hear. It really made me think about the guys that I am chasing after. They are all shit. I let the goods ones pass me by becasuse of them. Also I acknowledge that it is what is on the inside because I have been looking at outside appearances way too much.
Sweet N Sensual
My name is Diana. I just read your part 2 on Commitment series. I just wanted to thank you for the great article. It showed intelligence and insight into the male mind.
I recently asked my therapist about why my live in boyfriend was scared of commitment. She had none of the depth of insight that you have. I truly appreciate the information. I also enjoyed the humor and the fact that it was so well written.
I've learned in life that is important to acknowledge others work, especially excellent work. I even printed the next in the series without reading it first (this is unprecedented, since I'm a teacher who has to think twice before copying anything, since I use so ink on educational material). Thank you for the valuable work you are doing to help of the opposite sex get along better.
Dear Ms. Heartbeat,
Thank you for your advice. I wrote about my wife who refused to smoke around me or in the house when I didn’t mind and it kept us apart. I had tried to reason with her that I was OK with her smoking but she wouldn’t believe it. I loved the humor in your advice.
“Alternatively, you can just walk out there, grab her cigarette, puff on it in front of her (don't inhale!), then drag her ass back into the house and tell her THIS IS WHERE YOU SMOKE FROM NOW ON.”
I actually did that and it surprised the hell out of her. It made us both laugh. We talked about it and my wife now knows that I want to be married and I love her cigarettes and all. As a matter of fact I think my wife is very sexy when she smokes. Our house smells like a smoker now, but hey that’s OK, cause I got my wife back.
Dear Ms. Deborrah,
Hello there. I just want to say that your advice was like FOOD FOR MY SOUL!!! I feel like I have a sense of direction now. I would like you to know a little bit about me if you have time. I haven't been with very many men in my life, I married my high school sweetheart and you are aware of what happened with him. We were together for 10 yrs. After that I was alone for about a year and I met my present man. So I don't have a whole lot of experience on the subject. However, I want to commend you on your words of wisdom. I will be honest, I expected you to say for me to just get rid of him and go on with my life. Chances are I wouldn't have gone along with that and I would have still been miserable and eventually end the relationship on a sour note. (Or have the relationship end for me!) Now, I have a better concept of what I am dealing with in terms of my man. As old as I am, (33) most people would think that I should know what to do but I just don't! Thank you for lending me an electronic ear and possibly saving something REAL. Thank you for taking time to muse over the situation and giving me some REAL advice. You, my dear are a REAL woman and sister friend. I felt nothing but release after reading your advice because now I think I can take over the steering wheel instead of letting my lack of experience and my emotions drive me crazy. I do plan to get my house in order and I hope you won't mind if I let you know how things go later on. Thank you once again for giving me some positive, real and thought provoking advice and truly giving me a framework for not only my relationship but also my life. You take care sister friend!
Just wanted to say thanks for the advice. It validates how I was feeling about this situation. It was exactly how I feel and you made a lot of good points that I never thought of. You really helped me see the light and realize I need to stand strong on this because I was about to fold. Thanks again and i'll keep you in mind whenever I need advice.
Thank you for your timely responce. I appreciate the clarity you have brought to the situation. You are right on all points. I have recently been saved and I know I was a bit wild in my past. I didn't want to pass judgement on anyone doing what I used to be doing. However, you hit the nail on the head with you advice. Thank you
I read the reply you posted on your website, and I just wanted to send an email to thank you for taking the time to put your own thought into it. In my mind I was thinking... I knew, exactly what you said. I just didn't want to listen to myself. Spending 6 months in Baghram, then coming back to the States, and having the chance to go home and visit my family and friends. A new set of emotions, jumbled my thoughts. In my mind, I just wanted to believe that this was a big fairy tale, and that their was going to be a big dramatic happy ending. And I didn't want to believe anything else. But I understand that this is one of the many things that won't go as I'd hoped it would. That I should count my loses, and press on. But again I thank you for taking the time to give your two cents, I really appreciate it.
Dover Military Base
Just to follow up - your advice on how to handle his relationship fears worked! We are now 6 months into a committed relationship and are on a wonderful vacation in Maui. You are an advice GODDESS! Thanks again!