Help! My Boyfriend is a Big Ole Freak!
Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
My boyfriend is more outgoing sexually than me and recently he has been saying and implying certain things that really bother and hurt me. He gets turned on by bisexual women, and tries to encourage me into it. He likes watching porn especially with orgies. I don’t mind, but now he actually wants to do it. He wants to establish his own porn magazine, and I’m not comfortable with him photographing women like that.
I asked him if he could ever see himself in a long-term relationship with a porn star or prostitute and he didn’t have a problem with it. He also has a fantasy of living with 2 women at the same time, and he didn’t specify if I was one of them, and he thinks I’m wrong for going against it. We are both 20 and have been together for 3 years. We are sexually active, but lots of times when we have the chance, he’s not interested. He expressed frustration to me on one occasion, and told me that he “can’t live like this, and if I want to keep him strong in the relationship”…then he stopped.
I was very hurt but he said nothing further. Does love have to be this way? I would do anything for him, but I don’t think I could bear seeing him with another woman!
Signed,
What Should I Do?
Dear What Should I Do?:
Your boyfriend is a FREAK and obviously not the man for you. And I don’t wanna hear that whine about “BUT I LOVE HIM AND WE BEEN TOGETHER FOR THREE YEARS!” crap. Women always wanna talk about how long they been together like it means something. Guys will think “SO WHAT? THREE YEARS IS BETTER THAN THREE YEARS AND A DAY!” and that is how you need to be thinking as well.
Both parties in a relationship must be comfortable enough to honestly be who and what they are morally, emotionally and psychologically. They must also be compatible both in and out of bed. And for young men with high sex drives, the IN THE BED is often more important than what happens outside of it. Your boyfriend is a big ole porn addicted freak, and it appears he is attempting (through coercion and outright threats), to force you to do things you aren’t comfortable doing… things which could be damaging to you emotionally, morally and psychologically.
Bottom line here: You are not a big freak and don’t want to be one. He needs a different woman that will allow herself to be used like a sex toy as semen receptacle while he acts out his sexual fantasies. Watch yourself! What he is doing is putting you on the ‘ho track. The more things you go along with or allow him to get you involved in while you just sit there, the more he will push. You won’t be able to say a word when you end up starring in a porno flick with three or four other women, or worst yet in some sleazy hotel room while he brings in strange men to have sex with you while he films it. You need to accept that inevitability and move on now. Go find yourself a man to whom love, romance, tenderness, fidelity and the comfort of the familiar mean more to him than what new unbelievably freaky thing he can see or do.
You know what I am saying is true! You just think that because you been with him three years you need to stay longer and work it out or do what he wants you to do. You think you need to prove to him that you can ‘hang’ and be a good woman for him. Ha! All that would be is throwing more of your good life away on a man to whom you are just not compatible any more. You two are on different pages in entirely different books.
Deborrah
Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.
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Category: Dating Advice
DUMP HIM!!!!—-YESTERDAY!!!!!!–thats horrible, but that is really whats going on. I read somewhere that many women have HPV in their 50s!!–it’s the porn…..(off topic) if your ‘single digit’ kid has a cell phone, PLEASE get the WEB FUNCTION REMOVED—some are looking at porn at 6 & 7 years old!!
I would suggest setting your boyfriend up with two STD infected women then tell him you will tape it and join them after he has had a rousing bout of sex with just the two of them. But then you walk out, leave the hidden camera running and never join them… then later when his balls start itching, tell him he needs to get checked out’. Let him find the surprise… And you have the tape. Then I would put that tape on blast all over the internet. See if a dude wants to get stupid and ugly, I can show him just how low to go. Don’t just get mad, get revenge on those dumb muthafuckers.
Yeah, better dump his evil ass. He will give you STDs, or AIDS. He is so ignorant and immature he will probably die young if he doesn’t get his ass shot first.
I agree with your advice 100%. I re-read the letter she wrote you wondering, “Where are this girl’s parents?” They must have been absent during her adolescence. She doesn’t seem to have a single shred of self-respect, based on her willingness to “hang in there” with a perv. I hate when women refuse to leave toxic situations, then ask someone else for advice on how to fix the situation or the man, instead of running for the nearest exit, like someone not stupid would have done when he first started talking about whoring her out to bisexual women and others AND VIDEOTAPING IT.
Your boy can’t “live like this”? He doesn’t have to! He just hopes that you’ll be desperate and stupid enough to do his perverted bidding. Unless this girl is brain damaged she already knows this. “Can’t bear to see him with another woman”? Really?! I would only feel pity for a woman who’d want a perverted piece of garbage like that.
Sorry if that sounds harsh and unsympathetic, but I get tired of women of all ages saying these stupid things and asking these idiotic questions that they already know the answers to.
Sweetie, its not just the PARENTS ,,,it’s the FATHER!! if her daddy thought she was pretty at the youngest of ages, or at least acknowleged her beauty, she would even give this dooood a second thought…she should also see how her father loved her mother too