When Black Men Attack
A day or so ago, someone sent me a message to inform me that yet another person had something to say critical of me and my work. The message contained a link to a video on You Tube. You Tube invites everyone to make videos which relate to others, to support either a pro or con viewpoint. So the fact that someone made a video is in itself not exciting or unique. What is of interest is the content of the videos. And what I have found curious when Black men choose to make videos about me is that:
- the videos are always made by men I don’t know in the real world, who I have dismissed from my online world, and that are angry about something I’ve said;
- they make their posts or videos after they try to contact me and force me to read their insults and I block them because I don’t do stupid men;
- they feel the need to correct me, make me see things their way, to show me how I am wrong and they are right and I need to bow down and think like other women;
- they rarely if ever attack the issues and behaviors I speak of, they instead attack me personally; and
- it’s really not that serious that they have to go through all this drama over something said online by a person they don’t even know!
To me such behavior shows the attitude I wiill be addressing on an upcoming broadcast and in an article I’m working on right now which will be posted on Surviving Dating very soon – The Emotionally Abusive Black Man. These guys are everywhere!
Every utterance from their mouths about females is designed to make women feel small, a failure, less than men, sad, confused, unhappy, unintelligent. Their sole goal is to make females doubt themselves and their power and strength. They seek to hurt women with their words because they feel empowered if they can make women feel emotional pain and psychological hurt.
These guys also have the goal of making women doubt the validity of their thoughts and opinions, which they do with a variety of methods which I will outline for women unware of the bullshit games these sick in the head fellas play.
You want to know why this is a goal for them? They want to hurt females to feel powerful and manly since inside they feel like weak, frightened litle boys. They can’t have you ladies feeling confident and strong when they are supposed to “be the man.”
They say and do all they can to hurt confident women that they perceive to be stronger and more accomplished than they. They want to bring women down to their emotional level.
As for the videos… it takes a lot of time and energy to make a video (I know because I’ve made about 15 of them), so it is always amazing to me when these folks go out of their way to try to “get back” at me. They want me to know that they are throwing their video tantrum. I find it amusing.
The part that makes me laugh is they think I care and that their words will hurt me, change me, impact me in some way. It never has and never will. I am not the average Black woman and you will NEVER break me. Hundreds have tried over the years and all have failed. At this point I am older and stronger than ever with even more personal power. You will never be successful at impacting me in any way dudes.
So whoever made the one referenced in the message, and any man that makes one in the future should know … if it makes you feel better to do that, have at it! Make dozens of them until you get that all out of your system and can think rationally again.
The United States is until further notice a free country and everyone is entitled to their opinion. But you guys should also know that any attempts to criticize, undermine, trivialize and/or belittle me will have no effect on what I say or do, or how I say or do it. I will keep being me no matter what you do.
The only person whose opinion matters to me is mine.
Deborrah
Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.
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Category: Men's Issues
@Deborrah Cooper ….Statistics also show that black men are responsible for the high crime rate in this country….I don’t know why the government doesn’t just take action and ship them all away! I’d sure be a happy woman!
@Casey Black men will argue you down to the ground to get you to come to their warped twisted way of thinking!
Girl, anyone who would go through that much trouble to attack you personally, and not address the issues you brought forth, clearly has too much time on his hands.
Best,
Casey
I just had an exchange with a black man in the gym who is the pathetic outline of a man you described. These a-holes really are everywhere and they’re really dealing with extremely low self-esteem and projecting it on us. They need to keep black women under their feet and are full of slick mouthed little jabs and insults to try and break you. I try not to succomb to the idea that the black community is doomed based on our men’s failures alone, but I’m coming to see that maybe that’s where the blame should be placed. Hell, if they want to be called leaders then go ahead and f-ing lead and take some responsibility for their bs and the state of the black community instead of trying to tear sisters down while they sit on their asses and don’t go to school to advance their careers, make kids and then bitch about having to raise them and stay all up in the club when they are way too old for that shit anymore. I’m so tired of defending them sometimes and trying to stay faithful and loyal, because once we as black women give up then our community really is doomed since we’re really the only ones holding shit together.
Why are you defending grown ass men? Who told you that was what you should be doing with your life and time? You sure don’t see Black men going out of their way to defend you…. do you? Instead, what you see is large numbers of Black men verbally, physically and emotionally abusing Black women, raping and killing Black girls and women, and going out of their way to break Black women’s spirits every chance they get. No need to defend anyone like that girlfriend.
The message is timely.
I have been sifting through the dreck online and what you’ve described in this blog post seems to be the norm versus the exception. Some brothas will claim that this is a small minority and not indicative of black men as a whole, but what I’m experiencing in the real world of dating and seen online seems to fit this model to a “T”. I don’t understand the need to put so much energy into attempting to tear someone else down. If you look at the state of the black community as a whole, you would think most energy would be spent on self advancement and uplifting those around them versus this desire to abuse black women.
I just got a chance to listen to your blogtalk show on why men blame feminism on the failure of the black community, and it is amazing the amount of blame and lack of accountability that goes on.
If men are superior and their struggles are more severe than sisters, why is so much energy spent on attacking women? You would think those energies would be spent on overcoming those adversities they see before them. Why spend energy on a lesser being? That seems illogical to me. Lions are not spending time thinking about ants…..
It really comes down to the fact that some black men just cannot see the humanity of those women around them. I try to stay away from all of the negativity, but I don’t see a successful future for the black community as a whole at this point. I see damaged women who repeat the cycle of fathering children with these men and another generation of this problem manifests in their offspring. I see every group around us in America “winning” at their own collective advancement due to our failure to see the big picture and try to advance as well. I see those women who have chosen to step out of the Matrix being left with options that unfortunately don’t include partnering with black men as a collective.
I think brothas are pissed at Bill Cosby and others because he vocalized that reality that black women face — stepping out of the matrix and preserving themselves.
In your blogtalk show regarding feminism, a brotha voiced the fact that pell grants were pulled from ex-cons that wanted to attend college, but still provided grants to women. How was that an apples to apples comparison? You’ve chosen to break the law and you feel that you should still be rewarded – that your situation is equal to the women you are comparing yourself to? Even if the woman is a single mother, that is not a crime last time I checked. I didn’t see how the two were comparable situations. That appears to be a warped world view and value system to me, but ex-cons and women in the same comparison group. What I see in situations of comparable credentials, at this point black men still are more financially well off. Women are just pursuing higher education now in greater numbers. It has not “yet” translated to us surpassing men financially.
I think black men fail to acknowledge that even though some of our struggles in the world are different, theirs are no worse than ours — just different. It is hard to continually do the right thing and to advance in spite of a system designed for you to fail. It is not easy navigating a system with a glass ceiling in addition to racial bias and roadblocks. If it were easy more people would be doing it. Black women travel the road through education because it is fiscally necessary. Even with multiple degrees we still receive less pay. However, without it — it’s almost a guarantee that the cycle of poverty and violence would continue to dominate our lives.
I’ve mentioned on previous shows of yours regarding education that — America is a tapestry of ethnic groups working towards their own advancement — for themselves and the future of their offspring. There are exceptions to that rule (as far as how people partner up), but as a whole that is what America is. We haven’t come to terms with that as a group — and at this point I don’t think we ever will.
I think that all men should be vetted, but I think black women in particular need to have a very stringent vetting process when it comes to men (since we tend to date black men exclusively as a group). They should go into situations understanding that many black men have a predatory view of women and of black women in particular. They see us as less than human and something to be used and discarded. Their value system is not geared towards marriage and the raising of healthy families. They are not interested in wealth building or seeing a strong black community or national collective. They are just as damaged as the women they prey upon, but have no desire to self reflect and do better. It is in their nature to destroy. I really think women need to understand that. Love is a beautiful thing when you find it, but tragedy will be our reality if we don’t understand what we are dealing with. I really hope that I am wrong, but my observations at this point paint this picture clearly.
Deborah, I’m interested in what people will have to say about your next show.
You previously wanted older women to impart guidance to younger women. That would be my advice. Women should take time to understand who they are and what they want before they get too deep into the dating scene. Just like you find mentors in careers, women should have mentors and guides when it comes to dating. Men and women who care about them and are their advocates in success. Once they understand who they are they should develop a vetting process. That process will be unique to them and will evolve as they develop into mature adults. I would even suggest writing this down. I think that all of this will help women to establish and maintain boundaries that don’t violate their core values. Women should be well read, well rounded, well traveled and open to new experiences. I think this will make it easier for them to feel comfortable in any setting and broaden their pool of compatible partners. If they are black women, they will need to understand the reality that a black husband may not always be in their future, especially if they are higher up the socioeconomic ladder.
Sorry for the long post, but I need to get my thoughts out there. I’ve been reading on and offline a lot and needed to get my thoughts out there.
ChocoDivine, you and Deborrah do an excellent job at detailing these type of men negative behaviors. They tend to be manipulative, self centered, destructive and desensitized. The funny thing is that as negative as they think and can treat black women they are obsessed with being with them. They dress, talk and frequest spots they brings them the most favor among women. If they are higher up the ladder they major in degrees/work in fields that makes them more desireable and join social groups, fraternities that bring them the most exposure. They spend an inordinate amount of time making sure they look like the package and when they snag a woman (or a few) the go to abusing and denigrating them. They are truly wolves in sheep clothing.
ChocoDivine I like your analogy that women have to step out of the Matrix to see things as they actually are. Until then they are doomed to suffer its consequences. I believe part of the solution is what you two mention: self awareness of the situation, avoidance of these men completely, education of other women and the changing how we raise and support young boys. We need to teach more caring, compassion, respect and of course our history and the goals of others in this country.
Deborrah you already know I HEART YOU! This was epic and right on time as always!! I so needed to read this because I just encountered something similar and you are right 1000%! These weak men use so many lame tactics to assert some kind of control/dominion, tactics like blame game bs, guilt-trips, demeaning words, etc. You are so right! It’s unbelievable and the sad part is that they do it because some woman or women have been broken by their acts. I’m truly thankful that I’m able to identify when it’s happening, I’m just immune to it so I’m unaffected, but it’s still disheartening & pathetic & vile & disgusting. I support you completely cause there are so many examples of women who fall for the okey-doke, you ain’t one of them & that’s refreshing & admirable considering the sad state of affairs we’re subjected to.
Go girl. Love your shows; they are right-on, honest, and Biblical. Don’t forget that. You are doing the right thing. Those men (I mean boys) are losers and do not accept truth. Their lives are a big fake act. They lie their way through life, and are shallow and empty.