Are Black Women Stupid part two

When my father died, this guy “Brad” and I had been hanging out for maybe a month. He’d never met my father and I’d had no valid reason to discuss Brad with Pops. So I didn’t invite him to the funeral and I didn’t tell him anything about what was going on with my father’s Will or real property.

However, that didn’t stop him from reading between the lines and jumping to conclusions about what I’d be inheriting.

About two weeks after the funeral “Brad” came to me with a song and dance about hiring an attorney to fight for visitation rights with his daughter. Now I’m all for people seeing their children if they are the right kind of folks. However, this guy and I were at a standstill because I was suspicious about why the child’s mother would move to the opposite coast to get away from him. Ya know?

So dude comes in singing a song and doing a dance, talking about the retainer he needed to give an attorney to get a visitation case going… a whopping $5000.

”Wow! That’s a lot of money!” I say in shock. “You going to give it to him?”

So he looks at me and says “I don’t have it.”

So then I say “Well, what are you going to do then?”

So then HE says, “Well, I was thinking YOU COULD GIVE IT TO ME.”

Now at this point I am looking at this fool in astonishment like he fell to earth from a meteor and survived. Otherwise he would know that Deborrah Cooper does not ever give one red cent to men – let alone $5000. However, my curiosity got the better of me, and I just had to ask sarcastically:

“That’s such an interesting idea! But where do you think I would get $5000 to GIVE you?”

To which “Brad” replied, “I know your Dad just died so you could give me some of your inheritance so I can see my kid.”

Really?

I don’t want to tell you how bad I cussed that fool out because you don’t need to know me like that. Suffice it to say he left in a hurry and I haven’t seen or talked to him since.

A few days later I got together for Friday night happy with a group of female associates. I shared the story of “Brad” with them, thinking I was going to have a table full of women falling out in laughter at my dating misadventures. Instead, I got MY face cracked.

I was shocked at how many women could identify with what I’d been through. Each of the women had at least one personal story to share about a man and money. The ladies also shared experiences of close female friends and family that experienced similar nightmares.

What was even MORE shocking was what happened once I shared the story online. In response to my post there were more than 100 Sistahs telling stories of how they’d given men money for one reason or another, or provided him with personal financial data just because he asked for it.

How could so many black women be fleeced by gaming, trickster men they barely knew or were only dating? What would make a woman tell some guy she is not married to anything about her finances, including how much she earns? Our society is plagued by identity theft, credit card flim flam and banking scams. I just cannot understand what would motivate a woman to give anyone besides her bank or employer access to her money or accounts.

So I hopped online and asked the question: “Would you be inclined to share how much you make with someone you’re seeing?”

Responses fell into three camps: yes if he asked, only if we were “talking” marriage, and my personal favorite HELL NO!

#1 Yes, I’d Tell Him If He Asked

A.P.: Well, if he asks me then I will answer with the truth. But how much I make should not be a factor in the relationship. What should matter is we’re both stable in some form. We all know a lot of relationships end because of financial issues; but still, how much money one has should not be your main focus of why you are with them.

L. P.: If he asked I would answer….money shouldn’t be a priority when you’re dating someone anyways not in my opinion.

Some time ago I left a Facebook forum because the women on there were janky and ratched. We were discussing men asking women what kind of underwear they wear and what sexual positions they like, before the guy even knew the woman’s favorite color or middle name. It was my premise that such behavior was inappropriate and indicated that the gentleman in question was only after sex.

However, there were at least a dozen women in the forum that said they had no problem telling men all kinds of sexual things about themselves if asked, even complete strangers.  I failed to understand how having dozens of men in a city walking around knowing personal details about your sex life could be at all helpful to a single woman trying to date, but maybe it’s just me. Anyway, once it became apparent that I had nothing in common with the women on THAT group, I left. I think I was there about 8 hours.

To me telling a man about what you have in your bank account or wallet is much the same – a total over sharing of information. Usually this occurs by women that have trouble saying “no!” to men and that struggle with establishing boundaries in romantic relationships, due to a deep seated fear of abandonment or “losing him.”

#2 Only if We Were Talking About Marriage

C.H.:  Yes, when my husband and I were dating, we both knew each other’s income, bell hell we were living together so we did have to in order to cover bills.

S.L.:  If we were discussing marriage, then I would.

K.Y.:  Only if I felt like the relationship was going to get serious, just so we both have an understanding of what we can both afford. I like to go Dutch (or at least offer ), so I think it’s important to be aware of one’s spending habits and limits so a: both parties are making an equal contributions and b: no one is suggesting things the other can’t afford and putting anyone in a situation of debt or discomfort

N.D.:  Only when we are talking marriage.

A.E.: No, I don’t discuss my salary with people I’m dating. Unless we are discussing salaries because we are getting married, I don’t think my salary is their business…or anyone’s business for that matter.

O. K.:  Not if we are only dating!

K.C.:  Now marriage or approaching marriage or sharing a household I’d be willing to share in order to budget and set expectations. Otherwise, Hayle naw (in my Miss Sophia to Miss Millie voice).

I’m neither a fan of living together nor of commingling assets. I’ve known many, many women to get taken to the cleaners by men they could not put out of their homes when the relationship went south. Others were left with bills that they struggled to pay… joint accounts opened to buy tools for HIS business, a new $40,000 car for HIM to drive, or a $30,000 second taken out on your property to catch up on HIS child support payments or overdue tax bill, or credit card bills run up on your accounts to buy HIM clothes.

The worst victims were women that added their boyfriend’s name to their bank accounts or deeds, or made them payee on their life insurance policies.

Neither of the situations above provides a woman with the legal protections afforded by community property laws. At least one of the above might be a strong motivation for murder.

Bottom line: unless you have an attorney draw up an air-tight contract setting out strict repayment terms, it makes no sense to share any of your assets with a domestic partner or a boyfriend.

#3 Hell No You Don’t Need to Know How Much I Make!

M.C.: How much I make is my business there is nothing to offer. If someone tells me how much they make I respond with, good for you. Boasting about how much one makes isn’t appealing.

K.Y.: This isn’t to say one has to be specific like “I make such and such an hour,” but mostly general terms of “I can afford ABC but not XYZ.”

D. R.: No, why does he need all of that info?

K.C.: I usually don’t discuss money with anyone, I usually give an estimate. That’s enough!

This response makes the most sense. If you and the fella you are “seeing” are not legally married, it means your assets are not community property. Therefore, there is no reason for him to know such personal and private information about you. It bothers me how many black women give mere dating partners (boyfriends), the privileges and access to them that only a husband should have.

Husbands have signed on for the long haul with a high level of commitment. Boyfriends are transitory and are here today, gone tomorrow. He may even be dating two or three other women at the same time. There is no loophole for him “asking” about your finances because such questions are inappropriate and don’t deserve a response. In this instance your financials are absolutely none of his business. If the man you are seeing is your attorney, accountant or company CFO then he will need that information in order to do his job properly. Otherwise, there is no reason to share personal information of a financial nature with a man you are not married to.

Just because someone asks you a question, you are not obligated to answer it. Just because someone asks you prying questions does not obligate you to give them the requested information. There is no need to make a big deal out of it and go off or anything, but neither should you answer his question. You have no clue about who this guy is or why he wants the information he is asking for. So why would you provide it?

Countering the Suspect Man’s Peeps Into Your Wallet

Instead of divulging private financial information to dating partners, try these tactics.

• Say “Enough to live on” then smile sweetly.
• Say “I’m trying for the lotto just like everyone else!”
• Say “I would tell you, but then I’d have to kill you!”
• Say “Hmmm. Now why would you need to know that?”
• Say “No matter how much it is, somehow it’s never enough!”
• Say “That’s a rather personal question, don’t you think?”
• Say “Thanks for caring. If you want to donate to my household fund, I will gladly accept it.”
• Say “any wayyyyy…” and pointedly change the subject. Talk about the price of tea in China or something that makes it terribly obvious that what he was talking about will be discussed no further.

You get the idea! A sense of humor goes a long way in these situations to diffuse the tension. But even if you can’t think of something funny to say, just stare at him like he is stupid, tilting your head to the side like a puppy dog or giving him the evil eye.

Don’t Be Stupid – Zip Those Lips!

Under no circumstances should you tell a man about your salary, investment income or financial holdings. The fact that some man has the gall to fix his lips to ask how much money you make is irrelevant. What you have is none of his business. There is also no need to concern yourself with how much he makes. Should you suggest an outing or trip that he cannot afford, he must open that pie hole of his and say so. It’s called communicating.

In this day and age, identity theft and janky people are common. Those realities mean women need to shut up about what they have. Unless he has already proposed marriage, personal financials is not information you should willingly share. What you make, what you inherited, what you MIGHT inherit, bonuses, retirement, the present value of your portfolio, the appraised value of your home… nothing.

Talking about marriage is not married. All some folks DO is talk! Even if engaged to be married the reality is that engagements are broken every day of the year.

Living together is not married either, no matter how much you might consider yourself to be his “Wifey.” Black women must stop treating boyfriends like husbands, giving men privileges only a husband should have.

Now in part three of this series on Are Black Women Stupid?, we’ll discuss the mindset of black women that believe their value as a woman lies between their legs. Yup, lots of black men rate a woman by whether or not she has “a high mileage vagina” and dummy women actually buy into that mess.

If you haven’t read part one of the Are Black Women Stupid? series, you can read it here.