Black men and dating: Who should pay for dates?

. 04/24/2012 . 58 Comments

My father taught me that black women have low standards for men. He used to talk about it all the time. The modern black woman lets men be pimps. Men don’t have to be men to get their time, attention, bodies, babies out of them, nothing. He thought it was shameful and scandalous and taught my brothers to be REAL MEN and taught me to not let a man treat me in any way other than that of a REAL MAN. My buddy Tracy countered with:

“Low standards? Try NO standards! If they couldn’t collectively get away with it, they wouldn’t do it. There are a gaggle of desperate women, looking for a warm carbon based life form in the shape of a “man” that will go without her basic needs to support him. For what? Some D? I have NEVER had D that good that I will support or even buy LUNCH for! Dream bigger girls, good men are out there, broaden your horizons!!”

When I speak or write about these things, I am kicking it old school REAL MAN style. These modern punks are not REAL men, they are wanna bees. They talk about manhood but they have no real concept of what that is. They want women to GIVE it to them, when in reality, men manifest their manhood, independent of a female.

Men need to be confident and secure. When a man is always seeking approval of a woman, he is neither. Women cannot relax into any sort of ‘submissive’ role when she is constantly monitoring what her man does or says for cracks. Is he really gonna come through? Is he going to do what he said he was going to do? Is he going to have my back or abandon me to do everything myself? Is he going to stand up for me and our family? Is he going to pay the bills and keep a roof over our head? Is he a man of his word that I can trust will handle things even if I am sick or dead?

All of that starts with him from day one PAYING FOR THE DATE. His willingness to step up to the plate demonstrates that he understand his place in society and that he deserves and respects the title of MAN. Otherwise, he is just a punk trying to weasel and whine his way into somebody’s panties.

Many black women have a fear of being obligated to a man, or of him expecting something that she is not willing to give. In reality, paying for a date does not entitle a man to anything, and there is no reason to fear his desires.  Yet, many African American women think as Sandra does about dating:

“I think expecting a man to pay for a date gives him power (even if only in his mind) he doesn’t deserve. That is just my thinking. When you have a say in finances you have a say in what you do and on what level you do it. It starts in the beginning… Plus are we dating to get to know someone or just milking them for a night out?  I think I have an issue with that(men spending a lot of money on me and we are just dating) I don’t want you to do anything for me I can do for myself.”

Why do so many black women insist that they can go it alone and don’t need anything from a man? Dating is not about needing anything anyway – its about allowing a man to treat you like a lady and show you a good time. When a man pays for the date, he is courting you – good, old-fashioned courting. He presents himself at his best and allows you the opportunity to view him as a suitable romantic partner. Some guys may make the cut, and some may not. That is what dating is about, spending time with a man checking out his personality, conversation, goals, life experiences, morals and values, and what you two may have in common. But a date does not obligate a woman to do anything after that. It is just a date.

My key point is that a man paying for a date does not have to be an expensive venture. A very nice date can be coffee at a local coffee house, listening to free spoken word or music. But the man should pay for dates. A coffeehouse date is less than $10 and he’s done! Why is that so difficult? He can determine from $10 or even less… probably $6 whether he wants to see a woman again and if there is any chemistry. Save the expensive dinner dates for a woman you KNOW you have some chance of something more developing with.

To me there is no debate. If he does not want to pay, he will never see me again. If more women had a similar attitude, more men would step up to the plate. Black women spend too much time and energy ‘helping’ and ‘supporting’ and ‘taking care of’ and ‘helpmeeting’ black men right out of their manhood. Black men want to be treated like men … respected and admired as such which means they need to step up. You cannot complain that a woman emasculates you when she takes charge and makes decisions, but you are happy and have no complaints when she assumes a leadership role when it involves your wallet.

No, you get to PICK JUST ONE! This is the game that black women do not recognize is being played on them. Men should not get to flip back and forth across the fence when its convenient for them. You fellas are either the man, or you are a bitch made he-motional he bitch and you let a woman pay.  Don’t say anything when she doesn’t respect you as a man and sees you as nothing but a punk. You did that to yourself.

Deborrah

Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.

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Category: Women's Issues


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