Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
I am a 31 year old business professional married to a professional 31 year old woman. We’ve been married for four years. I’m writing to you because it seems that the passion has left our relationship.
To be honest, I may be part of the problem due to jealousy from a previous marriage where I was cheated on, but this does not explain to me why she has lost interest in sex with me. We do have it occasionally, but she treats it as a chore.
Also, my wife seems to be growing closer to her work friends (emailing from home or her phone, lunches and other outings), and some of these friends are males. While I trust her, the recent emotional withdrawal is completely inconsistent with how she was before and during our first year of marriage.
Our emotional and sex life is almost non-existent, but when we got married she wanted sex at least three times per week. Now if she does it once a month reluctantly it’s a miracle. Is there a chance that there is someone else? Is she cheating on me?
Troubled in Peoria
Women lose interest in sex when they feel shut out emotionally, or feel that their man isn’t loving and appreciating them. Men often think if they pay the bills and come home, that their woman should be satisfied and that’s enough. Well, it’s not dammit.
Women need you to romance them, talk to them, touch them, tell them with words and behavior that they are special and important to you. Women need their men to be open, trusting, loving, and passionately affectionate with them OUT OF BED.
- Could it be that you are closed emotionally and afraid to trust her because of your previous disastrous marriage?
- Could it be that you neglect connecting with her using your words, smiles, kisses, gentle affectionate touches without sexual overtones?
- Could it be that you don’t call her at work anymore to stoke the flames of your love in her heart?
- Could it be that your jealousy motivated you to say some sharp, critical things to her in the heat of frustration or anger that deeply wounded her and pushed her away?
- Could it be that you accused her of doing things like cheating, and she got tired of being defensive about it and charged with a crime she didn’t commit?
- Could it be that you fell off with taking her out on dates, telling her she was beautiful, telling her how much you love her?
- Could it be you have failed to understand that when women don’t feel close emotionally, they don’t get close physically either.
My money is that one or more of the above are the reasons your wife is distant, and why she doesn’t want you to touch her.
Although there is the possibility that she’s cheating, that would not be the primary thing I would look at because the REASON you’re asking “is she cheating on me?” would be the lack of emotional intimacy, and fulfillment at home.
In any event, it would appear that your wife is angry at and disappointed in you, sir. She has suffered and withdrawn emotionally, and her body has followed suit. You two probably need to look into a good program with a marriage counselor to find out exactly what is going on.
Try to turn this situation around if you want to save your marriage. Talk to your wife and make that suggestion. Ask her if that is what she wants to do, or if she prefers to get a divorce and start clean elsewhere. Whatever her answer, start moving forward with the rest of your lives.
Category: Dating Advice