Slut Shaming, Public Humiliation and Social Media Cross Paths

| 11/17/2012 | Comments (1)

 

This week a photo has been flying around the web which shows a sad-faced young African American female holding a sign which reads:

I just got whooped by my dad for posting inappropriate pictures.

My dad raised me better. I took slut-looking pictures and I am not one.  I disrsepected Dad, myself and others. Please tell on me if you see it again by calling my dad at 330-388-2305

Women on the Surviving Dating Facebook group set up for this website went crazy. The father was accused of being a horrible person for whupping a 14 year old girl, and for slut-shaming and humiliating his daughter in a public forum. There were concerns expressed that this photo would be around forever and follow her through her college years and future employment.

There is some truth to that, which is why the young lady in question should never have uploaded pictures of herself scantily clad, twerking or whatever it was she was doing that raised her parent’s ire. THOSE photos will also be online forever – but no one seemed to be very focused on that reality, just on the father.

“He should have taught her better!” they angrily declared.

“He should have talked to her!” they admonished.

“He should have done a better job of parenting!” they claimed.

Well, we don’t know that he didn’t! From what the girl has written on the sign, it would appear that her father DID do a good job parenting since he “raised me better.”

All we know for certain is what the girl did.

And we all know that teen girls do what they want to do.  This girl didn’t do doing anything that millions of teens before her haven’t done in one way, shape or form. If my parents only knew the shit my brothers and I did as teens, they would scream bloody murder. LOL! She was just stupid in that the Internet is a visual medium and she was easily caught. But nothing she did is unusual.

Hey, I remember girls that attended a Catholic school near my childhood home dipping into the alcove near our garage on their way to school. The girls would hike up their skirts, put on makeup, tease their hair up and go to school looking entirely different than their parents wanted them to.

In my mother’s day girls would do wild dances and listen to rock ‘n roll and Elvis, which the adults thought was sinful music and erotic dancing wholly inappropriate for their daughters.

In other words, teenaged girls have  been doing shit their parents think is “slutty” since time began.

Now those that know me understand how hard I am on men, I rarely if ever cut them slack. However, I’ve been a teenaged girl and I raised one. I know first hand how difficult, emotional and reactionary they can be as they move from childhood to adulthood in a few short years. Some go buck wild and rebel against everything they’ve been taught for a few years until they get their head on straight again.

So I need to be clear that I am not excusing the father’s behavior in its entirety.  There is no question that this guy lost his cool and should NOT have put his hands on his daughter. On that issue I am fully and completely siding against him. I can never, ever condone a grown man “spanking” a 14 year old girl. That’s creepy and weirdly inappropriate to me.

On the other hand, I also know how conservative fathers are about their daughter’s sexuality, and how especially conservative black men are about female sexuality period. With African Americans being the most religious demographic in the country, it goes to follow that blacks would also be the most conservative when it comes to online hoochism. Blacks are also likely to be more judgmental about female behavior and female sexuality, as recent surveys report that 82% of black Americans believe the bible is the actual word of God, and interpret the bible literally.

Black males, in spite of their stereotypical reputation for being wild sex freaks, turn into straight Pilgrims when it comes to what “good” women are supposed to do or not do. No man wants HIS woman to be exposing herself all over the web, and for a father to see his daughter like that is doubly infuriating and confusing. Posting risque booty shots or whatnot definitely falls into the category in most male minds of a woman being “a slut.” Is this a double standard? Most certainly!  However, that is how it is and I doubt for fathers and daughters it will EVER change.

Some women felt that every parenting interaction is supposed to teach our children something and uplift them. Well, that’s a nice fantasy but totally unrealistic. Every interaction with our child is NOT supposed to uplift them. Sometimes as parents we’ve already done all the explaining, all the setting out of actions and consequences, outlined all the possible ramifications of behavior which deviates from that which we laid out and all the uplifting.

So when that child turns around and makes a willful, informed choice to disobey and break rules, all that is left for the parents to do is deliver the promised punishment in a swift manner.  The #1 lesson children need to learn is to believe that their parents mean every word they say because the parents back their words up with action.

The trick for parents is understanding their child’s mind and spirit, and knowing how to get into their head and “work” them. Every child is different… even children born into and raised in the same family will respond to guidance, praise and punishment differently.

As for this family, we are all on the outside looking in. All we’re privy to is a small segment of this family’s life. None of us know this girl, nor do we know what her parents have already been through with her and perhaps other siblings.

Was this the last straw for them after a string of misdeeds by their daughter?
Are these parents desperate to reach their daughter and seeking a way – any way – to make the lights come on for her own safety?
Has the daughter begun to emulate the behavior of a wayward older sibling, a relative on the fact track to prison, or reality television character?

We don’t know the details of their family dynamics and can only guess. But what  I do know is that children are different. Some children respond only to physical punishments, others respond best to mental analysis and verbal discussions about their behavior, and others to psychological maneuvers such as withholding fun, taking away toys and privileges, and humiliation about their misdeeds.

A parent has to know their child.

The issue though is that as children grow up, they change. So what may have worked for the parents at 9 won’t necessarily work at 14.  Then you have to factor in the personality of the child, in that some children are leaders, and some are followers. Followers will always go along with the group they are in regardless of what they have been taught at home. Group approval and attention supersedes all desire for attention and approval from the family unit for these teens.

This is why you find good sons that get with a new group of friends, and suddenly they start cutting school, stealing, doing drugs, smoking, doing graffiti on homes or businesses, or are involved in a shooting, a car jacking, a robbery or a gang rape.

That is why you find good girls that get with a new group of friends, and suddenly they are cutting class, smoking, doing drugs, or arrested for shoplifting, fighting, property damage and defacement, breaking and entering, etc.

It was somewhat amusing to me to observe the large number of women focused on the father’s alleged public humiliation for behaving in the manner she did, but not one of them focused on the fact that:

(1) she willingly and happily humiliated herself

(2) she set herself up to be humiliated and teased by kids at school

(3) she set herself up to be humiliated and judged by family

(4) she set herself up to be humiliated by people on her Friends list

(5) she set herself up to be humiliated by people that are Friends of Friends

(6) she set herself up to be humiliated by college recruiters

(7) she set herself up to be humiliated and rejected by a boy she might like and his family

(8) she set herself up to be humiliated and rejected by other girls that don’t behave in such a manner

(9) she is most likely not at all humiliated because she did what she chose to do

Taking this event in the order of occurrence, the damage was already done by the time the parents found out about the pics. And she did it unfortunately to herself. Of course she didn’t realize the full ramifications and long-term consequences of her actions! Teens never think past the fun they are having right now. However that doesn’t excuse her from responsibility.

I say that she made a very poor choice and put herself on this path, not her father.

 

____________________________

For More Information

Facebook Won’t Remove Slut-Shaming Page, In Spite of Parents Pleas

Mother Creates Unique Facebook Punishment After Daughter Posts Alcohol-Related Photos

What is Slut Shaming?

How Slut-Shaming Hurts Women (and Men)

Slut-Shaming is a Double Standard

Slut-Shamed Teen Commits  Suicide, Taunted by Classmates to the Very End

Bitch Bad Interview with Lupe Fiasco

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Deborrah

Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.

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  1. Razzy says:

    Even though the 14 year old posted photos of herself, her father exacerbated the situation.  He should not have done this at all!!! Not good parenting skills shown here. And all we know is that this father ‘said’ he raised her better based on what he told this girl to write on this sign.  I find it hard to believe this 14 year old used ‘her words’ to write this sign. This looks like a teacher telling a student to write a sentence on a board 100X, i will not do this or that.  Not effective teaching.  The fact that this father ‘went this route in reaction to his daughter’s behavior shows he’s not very effective in his parenting.  We have no proof of how he raised her. We only see that on top of her mistake, daddy dearest compounded it with his actions.

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