Why Are Parents Afraid of Their Teens?
I have a 10 year old daughter and teen boys, 14 and newly 16. Now I’m an old fashioned parent. I raise my kids the way I was raised and I turned out fine. I own my own business and make a fair amount of money. So I’m not some hick or criminal.
I and my wife control our house, our kids do not! If we say no then no it is. Now my wife handles all discipline of our daughter (over the knee with hand), I have never spanked her, she a girl and she prefers her mom to do it, so we respect her wishes. I’m in charge of the boys.
Now we don’t use spanking as a first resort, it’s used only after talking to them, grounding, and privileges taken away, ect. Just last week I grounded my boys for curfew violations and their mom caught them sneaking back in the house threw a window at 1am. When she woke me up, I got my belt and tore their butts up (their too old for over the knee crap, I could still physically do that but I’m not out to embarrass them). They were crying their eyes out though and promising to behave better next time. Now I don’t beat them or anything. It always over pants and I don’t leave welts or bruises on them. So I’m within the guidelines of our area laws of “reasonable force without injury”.
One of my friends said he thought my boys were too old for spanking, but my way of thinking is when it is no longer effective then I’ll stop. My dad stopped whipping my butt when I was 17 when it didn’t hurt anymore (though at that age a spanking was very rare, by then I had learned to behave). Both of my boys still actually cry, so I think it’s still an attention getter when talking doesn’t work.
And for all you “violence causes violence” people, that’s bull. I’m not violent first off and second I never went up against my father, I was to scared and too much respect to do that. And my boys say “yes sir” to me so I doubt they would ever go up against me. I love my boys (I tell them that every single day), but they know they’d get their butts handed to them if they ever hit me and then I’d kick them out on their butts.
From what I have read, you are kind of a hard-ass yourself lady. What do you think of my child-rearing program?
Signed,
Curious Dad
Dear Curious Dad:
I think there is no one answer for how to handle children. Parents have to know their own kids.
My three brothers were hard heads like your sons. Me though… all my father had to do was tell me he expected better from me and I would bawl like a baby. So if your sons push you to the limit, sneaking around and acting a fool and they already know what is coming, then to me it means that is what they wanted! An ass whuppin! And you politely obliged them, being the loving father that you are. 🙂
One thing I hate is that our nation is full of spoiled, whiny brats that are passing as adult males. It is just shameful that these boys are being coddled and spoiled by the mothers and not made to stand on their own and be responsible for being men of their word like real men should.
I think you are doing the right thing and I wish more fathers were as actively involved in raising their sons into males worthy of being called MEN.
Great job!
Deborrah
Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.
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Both my husband and I are anti-corporal pinishment. NO mattter what we would NEVER EVER hit our son! Why would we ever cause him physical pain and have him only behave out of fear of pain?? That is WRONG!!!! You should be hit back!! We don’t give into our son and have taught him NO means NO and to do what we say without hitting him, and no he is not a calm easy child. He is like me and strog willed and hard headed. But we took parenting classes and read articles and learned EVERY way we can to discipline without physically hurting our child. My father never hit me EVER and my mother did. I respected my dad 10 times more than I ever did my mom. I even hit her back at age 15 she hit me back and I hit her back. we physically fought with each other and I warned her wouldn’t stop till one of us killed the other. I wasn’t gonna let her just hit me and take it regardless of what I did (and I got smart with her is why she slapped me). My husband also turned on his dad at 14. He took the belt from his father and put it around his neck and punched him in the face. He told him if he ever laid a hand on him again he would kill him. That was the LAST time his father hit him. My husband said he would rather let our son hit him than he cause our son pain. If I he hadn’t shared my non corporal views than if he did believe in it than we wouldn’t be together or have kids. And IF we did and he laid a hand on our kids I’d leave him and take the kids from him and make sure he NEVER saw them again. You dumbass pro violent parents think all kids have to be spanked. NO they don’t!! ALL kids CAN be raised without physical discipline. Parents just have to LOVE their kids more than anything and want to learn other ways. YOU don’t love your kids or you would NEVER be able to physically hurt them. Your kids are cowards to not hit you back. I’d beat the shit outta u.
I agree with a spanking, only as a last resort and done properly. I need your advice on another matter of child relations though.
I have a 25 yr old daughter with a 2 yr old child and her boyfriend living with me and my husband- her step father. I allowed her boyfriend to live here as well because I thought they wanted to be a family and I did not want to break up their little family.
My daughter is a college grad working on her Master and the boyfriend works sporadically- lazy but a good heart. They do pay me rent- I think she pay more than he but that is not the point.
She is seeing other men, she claims boyfriend is aware( they decided to share in raising their child without no commitment to each other) , she comes and goes at all hours of the night. She does not leave the baby on me though, he watches their child for the most part when she not here. My husband is very upset about this and and questions her constantly about who she is talking to on the phone and or who she is going out to see. He has caught her in little lies and has brought it to my attention. I dont want to be all up in her business but because of crazy people murdering and hurting women and children, I too want to know who her friends are and who she be with.
My husband feels like he has a right to know what is going on in his house and this is causing some friction between us as well.
My daughter told me that his questioning her makes her feel uncomfortable because it is way out of line- she thinks he is acting more like a boyfriend instead of a father. I disagree. I have grown very attached to my grandson and do not want her to leave out of anger and take him with her,which is exactly what she threatens me with. We both like her boyfriend/baby daddy who lives here but if she go he will have to go too. My husband think that what she is doing is immoral and I need to put my foot down.
I thought I already raised my daughter. I try to offer her advice but most times she dont want to hear it.I dont want to be involved in her personal/sex life like that. She has already removed me from her facebook, that how I first found out she seeing other men.
My daughter told me I am acting like a dumb white woman with my head buried under the sand because he is tryin to act like her man instead of a father.
I have no problem whatsoever telling my husband off if I think he is wrong.He can be nosy as all hell at times, even with me sometimes. I have caught him eavesdropping and I make his life hell for a minute until he chills out.
My question to Ms. Cooper is this, how much leeway should you give a grown child living in your house ??
Specifically with a mother and daughter living together, how to maintain a good relationship. I had a freat relationship with my daughter during her childhood, it got a little rough for part of her teen years and then when she went away to college, graduated and got her first job we became almost as close as girlfiends. I am sick that she think I am no longer in her corner and tld me I am a noosy old woman with no life. What to do ???
I was a single mom for a number of years before I met my husband. We have been together for over 20 years and I pride myseld on never ever putting a man before my children. Never thought I would be in this situation to make a choice….
I will post a response to your question in the advice section later tonight or tomorrow morning. But let me say this right now: (1) your daughter is living in YOUR HOUSE so you make the rules and you and your husband stand together on this. He has acted as her father for 20 years and therefore he has the right to tell her that she is wrong; and (2) you are not your daughter’s friend, you are her mother. You will be her mother until the day you die and even afterwards. You are not in her life to coddle and support her in stupidity, you are there to put her ass in check. I have some pretty strong words for her. Check back later.
Spare the rod and spoil the child. However discipline means ‘to teach’. Punative means to punish’. Whippings as the father said is always a last resort. Parenting takes CONSISTENT work on both parents and kids.
If kids are spoiled brats, it’s because the parents are allowing them to be that way by indulging them. Kids are never to young to learn how to behave. It starts from the moment of their birth. I’ve seen 2 year old tyrants running all over their parents. Using their crying as a manipulative tools, unruly and demanding their own way, while the parents give in and indulge them.
They are just setting themselves up for heartache later. At what age are they going to start disciplining (teaching) their kid to behave? Parents need to get on the ball. There are several good resources out there for parents to use as well, to give them tools on how to best discipline their child. As mentioned, no two children are alike so parents need to adjust their discipline style to fit a particular child.