His Bad Back is Controlling Our Sex Life
Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
I am new to your site and love how you answer questions, so I’m sending you mine. I’m 35, and my 42 year old companion is so complex. He loves sex, however his back compromises his mood sometimes and we only can have an intimate moment when he is ready.
Also he is not so affectionate as far as hugging and kissing until the act is about to happen. What can I do to help him be more comfortable with his back condition and not pleasing me when I want it? I sometimes feel that he may have a small complex due to his back problem. I do not want for him to feel that I have other interests, because sometimes he will mention that when he gets frustrated. Any advice?
Signed,
Want to Get Back in Action
Ms. HeartBeat Responds:
Tell him flatly that your sex life is NOT ALL ABOUT HIM!!! That is the mistake you are both making.
Sex is much more than intercourse, and foreplay for evening sex starts when you open your eyes in the morning. He needs to be giving out kisses, hugs, butt pats, flattery and kind words, flirting, phone calls to whisper sweet nothings, texts to say he was thinking about you, etc. Those behaviors bestowing attention and showing affection must be a part of the daily interaction between a couple, or their sex life will suffer, wither and die.
Your man must also be willing to accept that if he wants his woman to be faithful, he is responsible for providing her with good and regular sex, and her sexual satisfaction. That means he is going to have to use his fingers, lips, tongue or penis to satisfy you when you want it, just as he does when HE wants it. After all, its not your fault that his back is all jacked up! If he took better care of himself – exercised and ate right, he wouldn’t have that problem. The body can only be in top form if it receives the proper nourishment and support. That support comes in the form of endurance and muscular development achieved through cardiovascular exercise and strength training. So the fact that his back is all fucked up is no one’s fault but his.
Now if he doesn’t want to do any of that to make the situation better, and thinks sexual activity between you should only occur when HE wants it the way HE wants it, without showing you any affection outside of the bedroom, then I want you to consider the fact that he is a selfish ass fool. Any man so selfish and stingy with affection and attention is not the partner for a long-term relationship. That means you need to dump him and look for a man that is more willing to provide you with what you need emotionally to feel loved, desirable and secure.
No man should ever be allowed to enjoy his woman sexually unless he is attentive, fulfilling, and affectionate outside of bed. But that is a standard that I have, and apparently from what I’ve been hearing lately, not many women are on that page.
MsHeartBeat
Dating expert and advice columnist since 1993, writing as Ms. HeartBeat. Author of the hilarious street smart dating guide "Sucka Free Love - How to Avoid Dating The Dumb, The Deceitful, The Dastardly, The Dysfunctional & The Deranged."
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Category: Dating Advice
Deborrah
As to
standards, kindly up yours.Cowardice is
not a good look.You fabricated an
entire life story based on a partial comment, were asked to back it, and backed
away – while deleting my comments.Rather pathetic.I imagine that
if someone refused to be honest with you and then deleted your comments, while
leaving up comments attacking you for running away, you’d be a bit put
off.Savor that reality as you likely delete
this.But know this:You’re not the only one aware of your
despicable “standards”.Why practice
something you wouldn’t tolerate?I kept
checking in hoping you’d rethink your cowardice.Clearly, you are not worth the effort.Aching back?Try a little lower.Good bye and
bad riddance.
Look little bitchass clown. I’m glad you are finally taking a hint and leaving. You whine like a toddler. Wanting my attention and approval. IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN! I don’t care what you think, want, feel, like, say – NOTHING. Nothing about you is important to me. That is why I deleted your comments and didn’t bother to respond to your nonsense. You are nothing but a pest and the planet would be great without you. Matter of fact, if you died today I wouldn’t give a shit. If you were on fire and I had a glass of water, I would drink it. That is how little I care about your childish name calling, labeling and incessant whining on my site. OMG just leave already.
@playrighter – because you are not worth responding to. You are like a mosquito buzzing around making noise that no one wants to hear.What you don’t get is that just because you want something, I’m not obligated to give it to you. You want attention and a dialogue with me on this issue and its not going to happen. I respond only to questions I feel are interesting or would further the goals of this website. You going on and on about something I’ve already had the final say on is a waste of time.
Deborrah playrighter
WHY do you keep deleting my comments? Why not just honestly answer a fair question? What are you afraid of?
Deborrah playrighter
Exactly Deb, noticed playrighter, was gone after your response. If dude is having so many issues with his back, how come they only show themselves when it comes to pleasing his woman? why is he making ‘her’ the scapegoat here? Yup, you called it!
I’m so glad you wrote your advice the way you did. You are right on it! So many women sacrifice themselves sexually for the sake of their partner. Men want women to cater to them be loyal to them when they have issues, but the minute a woman doesn’t look, like how he wants, puts it out like how he wants, he is ready to leave. And agreed, women want to be romanced, so many men don’t know how to do that. Excellent advice, what a selfish jerk she has.
playrighter
He can walk around, he can work, he can drive, he can bathe, he can do everything else he wants to do but he conveniently can’t have sex with this woman? FOH!
I know game when I see it. If you are truly injured EVERYTHING is a problem, not just things that involve you and your obligations to others.
This guy is full of shit and you are presenting yourself as an excuse-making, codependent sympathizer to bullshit.
Deborrah:
Sorry, no. You’re making an absolutist judgment on a situation with nearly unlimited variables.Do you know how badly this man was injured?Do you know how much effort he put into correcting (or mitigating) the problem?Do you realize that there are some people whose injuries are so severe that no amount of therapy will correct the problem?According to you, no matter how severe the injuries, every one of your car accidents was 100% your fault and 100% your problem. This is the standard by which you are judging – and should be judged. Fair enough?
He can walk around, he can work, he can drive, he can bathe, he can do everything else he wants to do but he conveniently can’t have sex. FOH! I know game when I see it. If you are truly injured EVERYTHING is a problem, not just things that involve you and others. This guy is full of shit and you are a codependent sympathizer.
playrighter I injured my back several times over the years in various car accidents. I also worked as a rehab fitness trainer for many years, working with people who had joint back and neck surgery, cancer, fibro, heart disease, knee and shoulder and hip replacements, etc. So I can speak on this subject with expertise as well as personal experience.
Any man who has a back problem and who doesn’t do anything about it like physical therapy, back strengthening exercises, or even surgery, is doing nothing to make the situation better. Therefore the issue is 100% his fault and 100% his problem.
While there are some good points here on lovemaking being a 24 hour proposition, the comments that his back problem is solely his fault, and he’d be fine if only he took better care of himself show a rather limited focus on the author’s part — just what she accuses this guy of.
There are plenty of men — and women — who take spectacular care of their bodies and still end up with back problems. A little open-minded research might be in order before rendering a verdict in cases such as this. (Or a visit to sports medicine and VA facilities.)