My New Husband is a Lazy Bum That Leaves All the Work for Me
Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
My husband and I got married 2-1/2 months ago, but we’ve been together for five years. He was laid off over a year ago and went into business for himself as a commercial mortgage broker. The first part of that year was really hard with some of the deals lingering and not closing, therefore he was not getting paid.
I work for an accounting firm and work 50 hours a week, everyday during busy season and nights. We have two children, and I do all of the cooking and cleaning and come home some nights to a house full of dishes and just a pit.
My questions is he sleeps in until 11:00 or so, works for about 3-4 hours a day, some days not at all, but I still do all of the stuff around the house, spending my weekend cleaning while he watches football!
Last week he asked for 80% of my paycheck to pay the bills, leaving me with very little after he had just closed a deal and made $13k. I work so hard, with little reward. He doesn’t go to bed with me at night, and we are intimate maybe once every 2-3 weeks.
I am attractive and upbeat most of the time, but I get frustrated because I am just exhausted while he sleeps in and takes naps and just does whatever he wants all day. I am the one slaving from the time I get up to the time I go to bed. When I say something to him, he gets all bent out of shape.
I believe in being partners in a marriage, but I feel like he just sits around all day and does nothing while I do it all. Do you think he may be depressed? What can I do to fix this?
Signed,
Married to a Bum
Dear Mrs. Bum:
Depression? That fool is not depressed! He is a spoiled lazy ass with a sense of entitlement. I am wondering how you believe so much in partnership when your relationship is more akin to master and slave.
To start turning things around, I would suggest the following:
#1 Immediately open a separate account and get auto deposit so that your paycheck goes directly into it. Do not give him the ATM pin number and keep your checkbook at work so he doesn’t have access to it. Make him pay the bills in the house like a MAN SUPPORTING HIS WIFE AND CHILDREN SHOULD. If he doesn’t pay them, then let the house be dark with no food, no water and if it should go into foreclosure, oh well. You can go stay with your Mom or your sister or a friend for a week. Leave the kids there with him.
#2 Grow a spine woman… learn to say “no!” and mean it. You passively allow your husband to run all over you, chewing you up and spitting you out like a lawnmower does grass. When have you ever established boundaries with this man? Sounds like never to me because he has apparently been getting away with murder for years! He’s so used to getting his way that he throws a tantrum like a two year old when you finally do get the gumption to speak up. Immediately put a stop to this nonsense by saying “no!” to him about pretty much everything. No, hell no, no fucking way, no way buddy, not happening now or ever dude, etc. There are many ways to conjugate the word “no!” Here are a few examples you can try:
Him: “Honey, are you going to do my laundry?”
You: “Hell no!”Him: “I’m hungry. Are you ever going to cook?”
You: “Fuck no! Your fat ass can stand to lose a few pounds anyway.”Him: “This house is filthy. When are you going to clean up?”
You: “As soon as hell freezes over and all the little Devils go ice skating!”Him: “Give me your paycheck.”
You: “No! Not happening now or ever again, you selfish asshole!”Him: “Honey, I’m going into to watch football.”
You: “The hell you are! Get your lazy ass in gear and clean up the mess you and those brats of yours made. I am not your damn maid!”Him: “Honey, how about a little action tonight”
You: “How about you go fuck yourself!”Him: “There’s no food in the house, you need to go shopping!”
You: “No god dam way that’s happening!”
Got it? Your responses to him from now on must be centered around “No way, no how, no!” He needs to straighten up and act like a grown man with some sense.
#3 Stop picking up after him like he is a child. What the hell is that all about? After you pick up the kids from day care, stop and get something to eat before you get home. If you do fix food at home enough for the whole family, clean up the dishes you and the children made, leaving the rest for him. Leave not only all the dishes HE made all day, but all the laundry HE creates and all the mess HE creates for him to clean up. You ain’t his mama and need to stop treating him like a child.
#4 Of course you don’t get sex… who wants to sleep with THEIR MOTHER! You treat him like a child and completely enable him. There is no way a grown man that has a normal sex drive is going to get wood over his Mom. If you want him to see you as his lover, you need to be more confident in who you are and let him know that he needs to treat you like you are special, which means pleasing you, or you have no reason to stay with him.
#5 Shake him up by getting a newspaper with apartments and circle some. Leave them laying in a halfway hidden place, but somewhere he will see them the next day. When he asks about it, you just say “I didn’t think you cared if I am here or not, and we certainly aren’t living like any husband and wife I ever imagined. It makes me wonder what I even married you for. So I figured I’d move out. We can separate for awhile so we can both have space and time to think about where we want to go from here. I’m really not happy with things the way they are and you know that but don’t seem to care. You can stay here with the kids. I’ve been feeling taken for granted, mistreated, disrespected and used for awhile. It’s time for me to do something about it.”
Stop allowing him control you and dictate the terms of your relationship. Demand more and you will get more. Stop babying him and letting him treat you so shabbily. Take your power back and stand strong. These steps must be taken immediately before these deep-rooted expectations he seems to have of a wife being nothing but a moneymaking slave damage your marriage irreparably.
You can turn this around and have a much happier marriage, but you will have to show him definitively that the days of you being a rug that he walks on are over forever.
MsHeartBeat
Dating expert and advice columnist since 1993, writing as Ms. HeartBeat. Author of the hilarious street smart dating guide "Sucka Free Love - How to Avoid Dating The Dumb, The Deceitful, The Dastardly, The Dysfunctional & The Deranged."
Follow Me:
Category: Dating Advice
zabeth What is this defense “not all men are like this?” Like people didn’t already know that? Why do women always come out with that like they are the only one in the world that knows that? And who said ALL men anyway? We’re talking about men who act like this one does and ALL OF THEM certain ARE like this.
I only have one peice of advice for her: GET A DIVORCE! Sheesh, what is the POINT in being with a man like that? Get a cat and buy a vibrator, for fuck’s sake!I only have one peice of advice for her: GET A DIVORCE! Sheesh, what is the POINT in being with a man like that? Get a cat and buy a vibrator, for fuck’s sake!
I agree with Razzy. Marriage is an institution of female enslavement to men and that’s why it was created. This bum is just acting out his role as the husband. Some people try to say it’s just “immaturity” or whatever, but there’s an entire social and political structure that supports this. It’s called male privilege. This man just needs to be kicked to the curb, period.
Not all men are like this. Also women need to set better boundaries in their relationships. The fact that they were together for 5 years and had 2 children before even getting married demonstrates that he has been lazy about their relationship and has taken her for granted for years.
Will you miss me with that “not all men are like this” mess? Its crazy to even waste time typing that sentence. You think all cars are the same, all children, all hairdos? Then how could all men be like this? Rolling eyes. That isn’t the issue, the issue is that the woman that wrote this letter has a man that IS like this, and that is who the response is directed to.
Secondly, if you go back and read the letter more carefully, you will see that the problems began once they got married. That happens in many cases, because the mentality lots of guys have is that “girlfriend” or “baby momma” is vastly different than “my wife.” The dynamics of relationships and men’s expectations of being served and waited on hand and foot are what they think comes with being married.
You jumped to a lot of conclusions not in evidence by the letter, filled in blanks with fantasies you came up with in your own mind, and generally don’t understand what you read very well. The only thing that you wrote here that is true is that ALL WOMEN need to do better at establishing boundaries with men.
This is why women should not get married. There is nothing in it for them.