Interracial Dating: Black Men with Non-Black Women

| 05/26/2009 | Comments (1)

Interracial dating involving someone of African American descent is a very touchy subject in the U.S.  In some states (like here in California), its become much more common and accepted; but in other areas of the country people still get cussed at, called names, and discriminated against because of their interracial romances and biracial children.

I’ve noticed that there are primarily four key behaviors/attitudes demonstrated with regards to this subject:

  1. Parents that give lip service to being tolerant and accepting of other races, until their child comes home with someone of another race.  Though this is 2009, I frequently hear sad stories from White kids that have been threatened by their families with being disowned for dating someone Black;
  2. People that choose to date other races exclusively, putting down and denigrating their own race as they elevate the race or ethnicity of their chosen partner.  Alternatively, they believe they are somehow made better by their association with someone of a race different from their own.  This happens with both Black and White singles; 
  3. People that would never even CONSIDER dating or marrying someone of another race, no matter how wonderful the person may be, because they don’t believe in mixing races.  Ever. ; and
  4. People that "don’t see color" and instead choose a partner with their heart. These folks are often surprised to find themselves madly in love with somene of another race, but bravely go forward with the necessary mental adjustments to make their dream of Happily Ever After a reality.

Back in ohhhh… hmmmm… I think it was about March 1998, I created the first Internet survey on interracial relationships.  Since then dozens of others have sprung up, but AskHeartBeat’s Survey on Interracial Relationships was the first such survey, and it’s been online the longest.  More than 85,000 people have responded to the survey over the years.  Hundreds of college and high school students around the world have written to request permission to use the survey questions and results in school reports. 

I’m convinced the information gathered is quite useful and provides a peek into how people handle the race issue when dating.  The most interesting being that 80% of the respondents report being open to dating or marrying someone of another race.  Isn’t that interesting?

In the Black community, the largest number of interracial marriages in the take place between Black men and White women, with Latina and Asian women following behind.

These numbers are derived from U.S. census reports, but of course they don’t include the large number of interracial DATING relationships that exist, just marriages.

Though most Black women get upset about Black men marrying outside the race, I don’t personally have a problem with Black men dating or marrying anything they want to, including green Martians with pink polka dots.  Why should I care?  If they’re happy, so am I!

But what does piss me off is when I hear a Black man elevating White or Asian or Latina women as an entire race up to some pedestal level of wonderfulness, while concurrently slamming Black women as an entire race to the ground.

"ALL Black women do this" they say with a snarl.  Or "ALL Black women never do that" they bark, while proclaiming women of other races to be just the opposite.  Which of course means better.

It’s even worst when I hear Black men say that they would never date a Black woman because we are all ghetto, all wear fake hair, all have multiple children by multiple men, are all welfare recipients, etc.   Talking about hateful racist stereotypes!  Black men with this mentality are no better than your average hood wearing Klansman!

And dudes, since you have HARDLY met (let alone dated) every single Black woman in the world, your statements demonstrate just how less than intelligent you are.  All Black women aren’t anything, good or bad, and neither are all White women.  And from where I sit, a Black man that believes such things about Black women is really saying how little he thinks of his own mother and the women in his family.  What other measuring stick do young boys grow up to use and judge women with than the one established by his own mother and the women close to him?  

So, if you are an adult Black man that proclaims all Black women to be trifling ho’s, ya best lay on the couch at the nearest shrinks office and talk about the issues you have with Mom.


Black Women Are Getting on the
Interracial Relationships Bandwagon

Since 1995 the numbers of African American women that have dated and married White men has dramatically increased.  I believe a lot of it has to do with the fact that Black women are tired of waiting for Black men to choose them, to commit, to love them.  

My friends and I talk about this issue sometimes when we are hanging out.  And we’ve pretty much come to the conclusion that true love doesn’t know a color or a race.  If a White or Latino or Latino or Hindi man makes his interest known, and steps up to the plate with the proper attitude, respect and willingness to love a Sistah, why have we been turning them down?  

Though most Black women do want to have Black children, the reality is that anyone of African American descent is already bi-racial.   We may have come from Africa, but not one of us is pure African anymore!  

Black comes in more than 400 colors from the palest ecru with blonde hair and blue-gray eyes, to the deepest ebony with charcoal eyes.  We can all point to an ancestry that includes Great, Great, Great grandfathers of Irish, French, Canadian, Italian, Filipino, Portugeuse, Puerto Rican, Hawaiian, Japanese, British, and German descent (just to name a few). 

So really, what sense does it make for Black women to worry NOW about having mixed children?  

I know this is a very sensitive issue, and a sore spot in the hearts and minds of most Black women.  But I think it’s past time for Black women to open their eyes and stop focusing so closely on Black men as their only choice for a loving mate.  

Men around the world find African American woman to be stunningly beautiful, exotic, sexually excting creatures possessing a queenly spirit and a soulful heart.  We should be taking full advantage of that appreciation, and opening our hearts and arms to these men.  

Hold up though!  There’s no need to put Black men down or think you can escape your Blackness by running off to another camp!  I just want my educated, accomplished, family oriented, wonderful Sistahs to have the love they deserve to have.  So if you haven’t found what you want or need in Black men, at least think about broadening your horizons.  

Open the door to  getting to know the tall White guy that stares at you in awe every morning at the commute train station.  If he hasn’t approached, its most likely due to the fact that he’s scared you will shoot him down because he’s not Black.  So go ahead and give dude one of your fabulous flirtatious smiles and introduce yourself.  Make the first move so that he knows you are approachable and available.  I’m sure he’ll take it from there! 

Then, the next time you run into a Black man with a White woman that tries to justify his choice by putting Sistahs down, you won’t get upset.  Instead you can give him a knowing smile and wish him the best.  

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I’ll be discussing this subject on the air on Wednesday, June 17th at 7:00 PM (Pacific).  Please join me!  Log onto

Interview with Love to Know on Interracial Dating

Participate in AskHeartBeat.Com’s Interracial Dating Survey

Kelly Diels.Com: What White Women Need to Know About Interracial Relationships

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Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.

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Category: Date Smarter, Not Harder, Society and Culture

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  1. Hshannon0311 says:

    This article is really true, although I found it while looking for relationship tips I found it interesting, I as a white female have found myself dating mostly black men lately (idk why but I seem to click more with black men as white men expect white women to be more submissive which isn’t my personality and I Am naturally attracted to dark features more on average as my whole family has fair skin blonde hair and blue eyes so I find it boring) but through dating other races and black men I have found that when I ask them why they have their preferences most claim it ring the negativity of most black women, which then I ask them “are you sure you are not just stereotyping” “how would you feel if other women where stereotyping you the same way as in – black men are all thugs and have 5 kids and can’t hold jobs ect” , then when I say that stereotype back to them they get offended an I say “maybe you shouldn’t do the same thing to black women” , then most look shocked, over the course of my interracial dating I have learned that I will not date a black man who will “only date white women” , that’s really strange to me and I don’t want a man to only be attracted to me for my skin color, on the flip side I have known a lot of black women who only look at black men, I think black women are so beautiful and should branch out as well because they don’t deserve some of that line of thinking and reverse stereotyping that a lot of black men do! To each their own!

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