Time to Dismantle The Jump Off

| 05/30/2009 | Comments (2)

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I hate texting.  

A few months ago I met a guy that seemed really cool.  Tall, good looking, single father raising his daughter, well educated, with a great family and job.  We went out on one lunch date, then talked on the phone a few times.  He was wonderful face to face and fine while speaking on the phone.  Then Mr. Hyde showed up with a texting cell phone in his hand.  

This guy didn’t know my middle name, favorite color or what I wanted to do with the rest of my life.  He didn’t ask me any of those things either.  He texted with sexual innuendo. I checked him the first time in a tersely worded conversation. Waste of my breath! He did it again a week later, saying that if I needed help with my writers block, he had a cure.  Signed, Dr. Feelgood. 

This dude plain lost his mind!  The nice guy I’d gone out with disappeared when he starting mashing the keyboard on his cell.  He couldn’t say these discourteous things to my face, but he had no problem sending them to me via impersonal electronic transmission.  My friend Al calls this "electronic courage" (akin to the booze induced "liquid courage" people acquire after two martini’s).  Liquid courage/electronic courages gives some men the nerve to say stupid things they’d never say under other circumstances.

Some might see the writer’s block exchange as mere flirting.  I know better.  He was running the ‘ho test to see how I would respond to his innuendo.  I slammed him and that was the end of that.  Hey, I’d warned him, so he had fair notice of what was coming! 

But there’s more! Tonight I am sitting here with my cell phone in hand, staring at the screen with a frown on my face. My screen contains an unwanted booty call invitation sent by a fool.  Not that ANY booty call invitation is wanted, but this one is especially disturbing.  

I don’t want to be involved in a booty call – with this guy or any other.  I especially don’t want anything to do with another woman’s husband, which is something I’ve told him at least 5 times.  First nicely and politely on the phone.  Then sternly on the phone and by text.  Then finally with profanity for extra emphasis right to his face.  

He apparently doesn’t care what I want though.  And this guy is very persistent.  He waits a couple of weeks, I guess thinking I’m not still angry or that maybe I’m horny and vulnerable, then he tries again.  He really makes me sick with this stuff.

It’s infuriating to be repeatedly disrespected by someone you’ve known for years and formerly considered a pretty cool friend.  I feel betrayed.  It really pisses me off that he feels justified in attempting to pressure or manipulate me into giving him what he wants at my mental and emotional expense.  Who does he think he is?!

(Notice, I said "formerly.")

You all don’t know this about me, but if I say "no" that’s exactly what I mean.  Even my child knows that!  However, such single-minded determination and unyielding boundaries seems to be the exception rather than the rule.  Women give in to their children when they beg and whine, and they give in to men when they beg and whine too!

From what I hear (from my male player buddies), most women fold under pressure, especially when they have a romantically hopeful interest in the guy.  Many men are aware of that emotional weakness… that behavior pattern which wants to keep peace at any price.  These determined men use women’s weakness to their advantage; they keep hinting, pressing, griping, complaining and begging untll they get what they want.  

Still I wonder why FWBs, booty calls and shack ups are so commonplace and accepted. Unwanted pregnancies, STDs, infertility, broken hearts, broken spirits and a lot of confusion amongst young women is the result of this acceptance of casual sex. Women are giving men what they want (free and easy sex that satisfies his body) without demanding or receiving anything to satisfy their hearts in return. Why the strong female desire to play martyr in the name of love?

Jump off relationships need to be dismantled. Women are not psychologically or physically designed for such nonsense. The shrine to uncommitted sex that was constructed during the sexual revolution of the 1960s and 1970s needs to be torn down and placed in the scrap heap.  

Many young women apparently don’t know to even EXPECT to get anything more from men, and thus place no demands on them for performance, and no expectations for commitment. They don’t even expect to be taken out on a real date! But we have to look at this situation with a critical eye. If these types of situations are truly meeting women’s psychological needs for security, their physical and emotional needs, why are so many women unhappy in their "relationships?" Why are women feeling so lonely, sad and broken after sex with these guys?

If women would just stay true to themselves and establish clear, firm boundaries with the men in their lives, dating would quickly change. The problems women have with getting attached to men that "just aren’t that into you," and confusing FWB/booty calls with real love would be immediately eliminated.  Statistics which measure rates of contracted STDs and unplanned pregnancies would bottom out.

Some women don’t want to hear that and will say "well, I need sex." No, what you really NEED is passionate, soul stirring lovin’ with a man that cherishes and adores you. But instead you’re settling for a few minutes of physical release that could be easily (and usually more reliably) provided by a $20 vibrator.

Some women say "well, any man is better than none!"  Excuse me, but where is it that you have a man?  You didn’t have one when he walked in the door from his baby momma’s house where he lives, you didn’t have one when you laid down, and you certainly don’t have one now that he is walking out the door 60 minutes later!  Don’t fool yourself, you don’t have a man at all.  

It takes mental strength, a firm belief that you DESERVE more, and a real sense of purpose to resist men’s pressure tactics.  Place a higher value on your heart, your mind, and your body.  They are precious possessions and they belong to you.  Give access to them to a chosen few that prove themselves worthy of such a prize. Stop settling for sex with fools when what you really want is love with a strong, committed and loving man.

Dismantle the jump off.  You’re better than that, and so am I.

 

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Deborrah

Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.

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Category: Date Smarter, Not Harder, Society and Culture

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Comments (2)

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  1. Dr. Haynes says:

    AMEN! Very well articulated. I’m enjoying the blog.

  2. Terrence B. says:

    Damn girl! I tell my sisters the same thang. Gonna forward this one around to a few folks. Good stuff.

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