He felt love at first sight, but she sees him as just a friend

. 07/19/2011 . 6 Comments

 

Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
I have a female friend who I have been friends with since about age 12. I am now 20 years old. I have been attracted to something about her since I met her. While what I like about her specifically is not crucially relevant to this question, it is notable that it is well beyond physical attraction. I know this girl MEANS something to me.

Anyway, my history with her was friends until about a year ago I told her how I felt, unfortunately she responded with the typical “friends” answer. I cannot honestly say I disagree that I would want to sacrifice my friendship with her in order for a relationship that might only last a month, however I cannot deny that my feelings are still strong for her even after being away at college for a year.

I recently heard that she has a boyfriend, a guy who happens to be someone I was relatively good friends with early in high school.

My question boils down to this, what can I do? I don’t want to ask, how can I make her love me, because that’s a ridiculous request. I just want to know what steps I can take to get me on the right track to her seeing me as more than a friend. I am sick of looking at her and saying “dammit, I should be with her!”

I am tired of being able to perfectly envision us together and how much sense it makes. Just tell me what to do. I think it says enough that I have been attracted to her for so long and even after the turn down, going away to school 1500 miles away for a year and not seeing her once during a break all the while her having a boyfriend, I still have feelings for her. Thank you for any help you can give.

Signed,
A Broken Hearted Man

Ms. HeartBeat Responds:
This is one of those ‘half full, half empty” situations.

See, some people reading your letter would think “oh, how romantic! It was love at first sight when they were just children and he still loves her after all these years!” Then there are others that might think “wow, he sounds like a stalker or something! Doesn’t he realize when a woman says she just sees you as a friend that it means she likes you as a person but feels no buzz or heat or sexual attraction?”

I have a couple of suggestions that you can consider, being mindful that you may still not get the outcome that you want.

Idea #1:  Since she already has a boyfriend and you have nothing to lose, spruce yourself up by hitting the gym and getting some cuts. See about a new haircut and maybe a new outfit.  Do all you can to sex yourself up. If you wear glasses, try contacts or get some hot new frames. Do all you can to change your look (to look different from the way you usually do). That way when you see her next time you go home, you just might get her to look at you with new eyes.

By making yourself look more mature and “hot” she will see you as a grown man, not the kid she grew up with. But since she is involved with someone and may be in love with him, you have to prepare yourself for the possibility that may be as far as it goes.

Idea #2:  Put your cards on the table. This is the riskiest choice, but nothing beats a failure but a try! So when you do get to town, stop by for a visit or take her out for coffee and tell her what you have told me. She may be shocked, flattered, amused, horrified or welcome the revelation. But you won’t ever know how she feels or what she thinks unless you tell her what’s going on in your head and heart.

I am a firm believer in having the courage to say what you feel and clearing the path to the rest of your life. Once you tell her how you feel, you will either know FOR SURE that there is no hope with her  OR she will come over to your side.  Either way, and you can close that door of wishing and hoping and go forward in life with a woman you love that is willing and able to love you back.  This woman may or may not be her, however.

In either event, its time to buck up dude and make something happen here.  And remember, the goal is for you to know for sure how she feels. This clarity will at least allow you to stop dreaming of a future with a woman that has flatly said she is not interested in a romantic relationship with you.  But taking this courageous step may be the very thing you need to do to make your dreams come true.

Deborrah

Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.

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Category: Dating Advice


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