Why Men Need to Stop Watching So Much Porn

| 02/14/2011 | Comments (30)

Guys are dumb when it comes to sex and women.

These days too many men are learning about sex from pornography films. To me that’s like learning to read and write by watching a cartoon! Pornography is designed to be nothing but entertainment. It’s not real life guys. Pornography by its very nature is designed to make money by providing the viewer with a visual representation of their sexual fantasies. It’s unrealistic and not at all the soul-stirring, emotionally connected sharing of feelings and bodies that women are looking for in bed.

As men that frequently watch porn get more and more desensitized to “normal” sex,  porn producers push the envelope by delving deeper into the realm of dark, seedy, abusive sex scenes.  Modern porn has become scary, twisted and utterly demeaning to women. Many of these films portray fantasies where women are being beaten, raped, abducted and gang raped, molested in public places, forced to do things against their will (even if the initial sexual encounter was consensual), punched in the face or verbally/psychologically abused.  Men are downloading and buying these films to the tune of hundreds of millions of dollars annually (a figure that doesn’t even include revenue generated from adult websites).

These are not healthy images for impressionable male minds to see. Men, being the followers they are, will too often establish those movie scripts as something to emulate.  They want to be like other guys, do what other guys do, have what other guys have, and get the approval of other guys. And since “it” worked for the guys in the film, they believe “it” will work for them, too.

Immature males that cannot differentiate between fantasy and reality assume that if the female in the movie liked (fill in the blank), then it means every female does.  Silly men that cannot differentiate between entertainment and real life assume that if the female in the movie was okay with being (fill in the blank) in bed, then every female will be okay with it as well.

Then when these same males are in bed with a woman and she tells them that she doesn’t like what he is doing, or she isn’t responding with wild screams and moans like the porn star did, he thinks something is wrong with HER.

Many men get disappointed that the “trick” they tried didn’t work; that the 12 positions in 5 minutes and machine gun speed pounding that they saw the guy do in the movie didn’t elicit a mind-numbing orgasm in three minutes like it did the woman in the movie. Others get frustrated and angry at the woman because her lack of response ruined his image of himself as a major cocksman.

It never seems to occur to these simpletons that the problem is with THEM and their sexual technique – or lack thereof.

Most men don’t take the initiative of learning about women’s bodies at all. The thought that they might need to read a book to learn about female sexual responses and female anatomy is one they won’t have.  They believe that as MEN they already know everything they need to know about women.  Few would have the courage to ask a woman what she needs from them or wants in bed.  Even fewer would have the sense to do what she asks or tells them if she is brave enough to broach the subject herself.  Nope.  Their male ego and false pride keeps them locked in a world where they are a stud, but only in their own mind. Porn is bad. It teaches what men can sexually do TO a woman instead of what men can sexually do FOR a woman.

I discuss matters like this with single men frequently; their disbelief at my statements about the nature of porn and its potentially negative impact on their lovemaking skills with women is shocking.

I find myself constantly pointing out to them that what they perceive to be “truth” and “facts” is nothing but solid acting by well paid entertainers.   I mean, if you were going to get $1000 for 8 hours of work, and you want to be called back to make another $1000 next week, you’d want to put on quite a show and make the scene look as realistic as possible.  You’d make all those painfully uncomfortable and unstimulating sexual positions, the gross fetishes, the insulting words, and disgusting behaviors look pleasurable.  You’d make it look like this was the best sex you’d ever had, right?

Silly guys don’t get that they are watching someone moan and groan and fling herself around with “passion” because she is being paid to do so.  They make amazing leaps in logic and assume that she is feeling the same sexual excitement that he feels watching her performance. He doesn’t get that the excitement she feels is based solely on what she is gonna do with her cash.

Now, I have to admit that many couples occasionally watch porn together. They find it a nice addition to their sex life, spicing things up and making the preliminary “warm-up before we get busy period” a lot shorter. But in that instance they are both aware of the fantasy projected in the film. They are using the fantasy to augment their well-established sex life. The fantasy is not being used as the standard or model for their sex life as so many single men seem to do.

Researchers at the University of Montreal performed a study on the porn viewing habits of single men vs. married men. Their study revealed that single men, on average, watched 40 minutes of porn 3 times per week, while men in relationships or married watched it an average of 1.7 times per week for about 20 minutes.

Pornography is most often used by men to achieve a goal – a self-induced orgasm in as short a time as possible.  Therein lies the problem which may create a great deal of conflict when this man is having sex with a female.  These fellas don’t always understand that in bed with a woman, the goal and focus must be completely different.

Self pleasuring can also become an issue in a relationship if a man substitutes porn and instant gratification masturbation for real sex.  It’s a further problem if a man should become addicted to the pressure and speed of self-pleasuring and begin to reject his woman’s sexual intimacy needs.  Self pleasuring becomes a huge problem should man become unable to become aroused without his fantasy or fetish. Some guys must be viewing their porn while having sex in order to perform at all.

A woman is not in bed with you to be used as a masturbation vehicle, a substitute for your hand while you do instant replays of your freaky fetish porn movie in your head.  To be a lover that women want to be in bed with, to have around for years, to daydream about while she is at work , your goal must be to provide MUTUAL pleasure and connectedness.  That means you are going to have to slow down your expectation of instant gratification and have sex in ways that meet women’s needs for a buildup of sexual tension, romance, fun and intimate closeness.

To have the best sex with women, it means you are going to have to concentrate on creating an environment for females that feels safe and loving. Sometimes the best position to achieve this closeness is the good old missionary style so you can look into her eyes, touch her face, and kiss her while you two are having sex.

None of the emotional and physical needs women have which create fulfilling sexual encounters for her are addressed in pornography. If you are a man that watches porn, and you think you should have sex with women like the guys do in the movies, you have a lot to learn.

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Deborrah

Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," and "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on Examiner.Com, SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.

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28 comments
mreynolds
mreynolds

I'm a man, and I've been trying hard not to watch porn lately.  It's very difficult.  Fortunately, besides watching porn, I have read widely on the subject of sexuality, and I never expected the women I've been in relationships with  to respond to "porn moves".  However, in between relationships, I got into the habit of masturbating to pornography for an hour or two (sometimes more) at a time.  This has made it impossible for me to achieve orgasm through vaginal intercourse, and extremely difficult for me to achieve and maintain an erection with a partner, even if I am completely in love with her and totally physically attracted to her.  I have conditioned myself to respond sexually to pornography only.  This is not a problem with my body, as I am a healthy 27 year old, and I have no difficulty achieving or maintaining an erection when watching porn.  This is entirely due to the fact that I have fucked up my brain to the point that I only respond sexually to the visual stimulation of pornography and the physical stimulation of my hand.  I'm certain that this set of problems has been responsible for ending at least one of my relationships. I have read about this problem, and it is real, and it can evidently be corrected after 6 to 12 weeks if you stay away from porn.  I've been trying, but it's been damn hard and I keep slipping up.  I am not religious at all, I don't feel guilty about my sexual desires and urges, and I have a pretty laissez faire attitude towards the "vices" that adults want to engage in, so I'm surprised to find that I've become staunchly anti-porn.  Because of my experiences though, I definitely think that ALL men should STAY THE FUCK AWAY from internet porn!

DeeGee1
DeeGee1

women don't like porn b/c they're threatened by it. variety is the spice of life,& porn offers men a different woman every day. NEWSFLASH ; women,if u don't like porn  , why don't u get proactive for once,& not reactive,& ask-out that guy u like,& maybe then he may pry himself away from that computer screen !

tanya0510
tanya0510

There is a FB page titled "Men Against Porn".. great group of men!! :)

tanya0510
tanya0510

Great article!! I think men also need to know that we don't want them if they look at porn. I will never be faithful to a man that looks at it. Its very easy to cheat on a man too, so they don't realize, women like me will betray them & they will never know, all because they chose to cheat on me with porn. And women need to realize they should not stay with such a man.

DeeGee1
DeeGee1

men prefer porn to dating, b/c every man secretly wants to bang,real or virtual, as many women as he can before he dies !

Coldraught
Coldraught

Hm... Interesting article... I had read this RIGHT after masturbating and i almost felt like crying...

Karim
Karim

No, you didn't claim that men and women are just as equally credulous and likely to follow as one another, you're not espousing egalitarianism - in the video you state "If black men can accept the reality that women are the natural leaders [...] From my perspective, women are the ones running things, women are the natural leaders, women are in control [...] That means that women are all the true leaders and that men are followers". You clearly believe women are less likely to be followers, but at the beginning you concede that churches are full of women, which is a contradiction on your part. If women are more likely to be religious, how can you think women aren't followers (just like men)?

In one part of the video you say "Men need a woman to tell them what to do, how to do it, how to think, how to treat people, what's fair, what's wrong".

You are wrong in so many ways. Look at all of the Christian women in church, all of the "morals" they are adhering to in the Bible were laid out by primitive men. If these women are the head-strong leaders you claim they are, why are they kowtowing to the words in the (man-made) Bible? How can women teach men morals and teach men how to think if they can't even think for themselves?

Also, men don't need women to teach them what to think, how to treat people, what's fair or what's wrong. As sentient beings, our morals don't come from females; the source of morality is REASON. Morality is gender-neutral. I didn't need a female to tell me that Zionism is wrong, unfair, and imperialistic. I didn't need a woman to bestow upon me the ability to feel empathy. I didn't need a woman to tell me that murder and rape is wrong. I didn't need to be *told* these things, I know they're wrong because I'm capable of logical thinking and the ability to empathize. Your assertions are self-aggrandizing and totally myopic. Like I said, I think your claims are illogical and unfounded.

"You don't see women beating their chests talking about themselves being the leaders of the world and demanding that folks follow them".

But that's what you're doing right now. You're claiming all men should follow all women and that you're qualified to lead because you don't have any testicles. I agree that men aren't better leaders, I think men and women are just as good as each other when it comes to leadership. However, you are claiming women are not followers, you're claiming that women are natural leaders when there's no evidence for any of these claims. You're claiming women should dictate how men think even though you've demonstrated that women also blindly follow baseless assertions (i.e. religions). What you're saying is spurious and wrong.

Karim
Karim

I do agree with you and I do think people need to stop watching porn, but why did you use the word "followers" to describe us men?

"Men, being the followers they are..."

Where's your evidence that men are "followers" more so than women? I was never aware that men have a higher propensity to "follow" more so than women do. Are all women iconoclastic rogues and all men are just sheep who follow the pack?

Guapo1492
Guapo1492

That first line ruined it for me. Hard for men to understand the plight of women when you use words like "dumb" to describe us.

Rose Marie
Rose Marie

Excellent article Deb. There's a site that's called Stop Porn and it is loaded with material videos, etc.. for presentations to use for or in conjunction with Anti-Human Trafficking presentations, which hard core Porn, and the objectification of women highly feeds into this type of trafficking mentality and presents women-even teens and in some cases children (which is illegal but some still try to get away with it) as being objects-products- more so-than human beings that can be bought and sold. Porn also tries to sell the mindset that women like to be made up and objectified, faulty reasoning that little girls like to play dress up in order to look like women, it's all about using sex to sell and making it appear normal in order to keep racking in the profits. At one point porn stars were getting younger and younger until their was a backlash. And it is likely in a lot of cases (I won't make a blanket statement and say all) that the man who is so into the school girl/catholic school uniform fantasy is a pedophile. This article was so precise on point, I think it should be added to their Web site and archives.

Karim
Karim

Jesus Christ on stilts, I really do hate porn. I hate it. I don't want nothing to do with it. It's degrading, misogynistic, mind-warping propaganda....no wonder women think men are retarded, sub-human scum. I'm embarrassed to be a male, this sick porn industry is making me so ashamed to own a penis. People need to quite consuming this stuff, and I think the anti-porn movement needs a bit more clout and representation in the mainstream (as others have already said).

Sandi
Sandi

Deb,

This topic does need to come to mainstream. Sadly women are abused in these films. They further kill otherwise healthy relationships with the FANTASY of sexual relationships. Sexual relationships for non-porn star women is mostly emotional and mental. There is nothing sexy about "wham-bam get out of here ma'am" sex that is portrayed on these videos.

In my opinion many of these films do nothing but teach men how to be more abusive in their relationships. While many men look for the "easy" fix this is honestly not it if you're wanting to build strong healthy relationships.

While I am not totally against the porn movies, I am against the abusive genres they have taken on. Back in the day certain actions were not allowed in "stag" movies now anything goes. I think the only thing about this article I disagree with is where she calls MEN "the followers they are" that is not my personal definition of a man but of "certain Males." Otherwise, this was on point!

grace
grace

this article is on point on so many levels, especially the part about men becoming desensitized to real women by using porn as an instrument while masturbating. men that are married often fall into this rut...they think, "well, i'm masturbating to a video; i'm not cheating". wives, when turning to their husbands for affection, find a man that is not cold and/or does not bother with the details (foreplay). this is unfortunate and it results in illicit affairs and dysfunction that ultimately affects the marriage and family life totally.

the violence in pornography is outrageous. some of these women are in pain mentally and physically. water boarding, gagging/choking, pounding, spitting; nothing bout those actions says love or romance.

i agree with the other poster - this article needs to be linked where ever men gather to discuss sex.

eLLe85
eLLe85

Raz You beat me to it! I was going to say that I wish this article was a topic of conversation in mainstream media. Not these other garbage in and out conversations they keep having, but getting to the heart of the matter-which a real topic like this one. Men and women are becoming more and more disconnected and this is one of the MAIN reasons that are never addressed. The more men watch and become addicted to porn, the less emotionally and physically available they become to their mates. WHY IS THIS NOT ADDRESSED? WHY are women still constantly being told what we need to do to strengthen the bonds between us yet this is never addressed? ITs like Reason No. 2 right behind all the other things wrong with Patriarchy.

Lyndon
Lyndon

WOW! All I will say is that I have a deep respect for you simply because I believe you have been ordained by the Most High to share your words with others....and I'm not being overly zealous.

So much of what you write about speaks to not just me, but most folk I know- specifically men. AND you aint spittin some artificial cookie-cutter lyrics. I have no earthly idea where your wisdom comes from (being a recovering male chauvinist) but take the charge and continue pushing and I believe your proper platform will appear. Keep pushin em out!

MamaMatriarch
MamaMatriarch

YET many of them try to mimick it in real life. Especially teen boys. If you hear their conversations about sex, IT IS HORRIBLE!

Raz
Raz

Wow, this article needs to be blasted out to all those men websites included askmen.com and others. All too often men don't know how to please a woman and they aren't interested in learning how. They just want to get their rocks off and that's it. Those are men who get put on nignore. No woman wants to be with a man who can't wow her in bed.

teamzaimah
teamzaimah

@Karim you are defently correct the family who wrote that article was completed writing from a jealous  women perspective girls don't understand rejection on man part that see that shit as nothing so when ladies stop being superficial wanting the perfect man with a perfert mom and dad who him the right way no the white man is defenetly manipulating are women into working. ladies don't let these white men fool you guys are the show and will be that other then that if your not gonna let me put you and different positions then your lazy.

Candace
Candace

Too fucking bad asshole! If you had read the article you would know it is not about the plight of women, its about how men are fucking themselves when it comes to women. Dumbass.

Deborrah Cooper
Deborrah Cooper

Girl, please give me the URL to that site so I can send them the link to this article to add to their archives.

Deborrah Cooper
Deborrah Cooper

In an attempt to make it more public, I decided to release this content to the public by posting it on my Examiner.Com page. We'll see if it gets picked up by any big news media sites. You guys can feel free to send the link around to either this page or the Examiner page. Both men and women really need to hear this message. Sadly.

eLLe85
eLLe85

*with not which*

Karim
Karim

Hmmm...this was a pretty illogical video. First, you say men are followers, then you admit that most people in church are women. Can't you see how you contradicted yourself there? All religion is based on a herd mentality. People FOLLOW religions based on no evidence, they just have "blind faith". And faith is really not a virtue. ALL religious people are sheep. You claim most people in church are women, so how does that prove women aren't ALSO followers? If anything, you negated your own argument. The Bible is a book that hates women, so it's strange how women would want to believe anything in it.

I believe most PEOPLE are followers. Most men are followers and so are most women. Society is very much built on the fact that life is a big game of Follow The Leader. Being credulous of authority is the result of millions of years of evolution, it's engrained into most humans, and women't aren't exempt from it.

Women are far more likely to believe in things like Astrology, how is that a sign of a critical, independent mind? Women religiously follow fashion, is that not a sign of a herd mentality? As far as I can see, people are generally followers, regardless of what genitals they have. I don't believe in biological determinism.

You based your argument on the premise that "Most men don't know what they're going to do in life. They have no long-term goals". I suspect this premise is based on little or no evidence, therefore any conclusion you draw from this premise is a non sequitur (by definition). Can you give me evidence that men who have no long-distance goals are followers? Let's examine this: some soldiers wanted to join the army since they were little boys; they may have had a long-term dream, but they were still followers. However, look at men like Karl Marx; he was very influential, he wasn't a follower, but he had no long-term goals when he was younger. Marx was more interested in drinking alcohol and socialising than studying, and he got bad grades in school. The same thing happened with Darwin. So your assertion that "Men who have no long-term goals are all followers" is totally flawed.

You also claim "Men do everything for women's attention". I don't even know where to start with that. You're just wrong. That's such an arrogant, self-aggrandizing, and conceited thing to say. I don't do things because I want to impress women, I do things because I want to do them. The world doesn't revolve around you or any other woman.

Most people are followers. Both men and women. People shouldn't be granted positions of authority based on their sex, they should be granted authority based on their knowledge and skill, like a real egalitarian meritocracy. I see no evidence that women are less likely to follow.

eLLe85
eLLe85

OMG LMAO, Candace, I had to come in to say girl you had me weak when I read this response today. Keep fighting the good fight!!!

Deborrah
Deborrah

You don't tell me what to do chump. I write what I want to write, the way I want to write it. I don't write for "everyone" I write what pleases ME. As far as men being athletic, let's see you hold a baby for 4 hours straight and tell me how strong you are then. Men fold up like a bad poker hand because you don't have the KIND of muscular strength that women have. Men have brute force. Ha! So do donkeys elephants and gorillas. That takes no talent or skill, it just takes muscles.

Donkeys, elephants and gorillas are not better than animals that are cunning and use their wits, that have endurance and that communicate as a team, as a unit to get the job done for the benefit of all. Men do not operate in such a fashion.

Men are much more followers than women, which is why you all can't do ANYTHING for yourselves. Which is why you whoop yourselves into a frenzy and go off to war and get yourselves killed. Which is why you gang rape women. Which is why you form gangs and "families" period.

You do all you do to get the attention and approval of other men, and secondly to get the approval and attention of women. You all NEED that recognition as one of the boys, as a part of the crowd. You don't want to stick out and be different than other men, lest you be seen as less manly in some respect.

Men need women for everything, even something as basic as to define you as men. You are not a man on your own, you are a man as reflected from a woman. You need her to be a certain way (soft) so you can feel strong and manly (hard).

Men are nothing without women and you know it.

Kevin Trapani
Kevin Trapani

When you say "that men are no better at anything than women" that is a very false statement. Men are more athletic and can out compete any female competitor at there level. Men and women are different, they both have different qualities. So men are no more leaders than women, and women are no less followers than men. You obviously have biased eyes if your going to write informative articles why don't you write an article for everyone.

Deborrah
Deborrah

Who cares? You don't see women beating their chests talking about themselves being the leaders of the world and demanding that folks follow them. That's men doing that stupid talk. And that is why my video is totally logical. I am proving that those demanding the role of leadership based on their penis have no right to do so, no special skills, no special knowledge, nothing. And you just proved my point - that men are no better at anything than women so they should not be given the reigns of anything just because they are men.

I rest my case.

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