Why Men Need to Stop Watching So Much Porn

Guys are dumb when it comes to sex and women.

These days too many men are learning about sex from pornography films. To me that’s like learning to read and write by watching a cartoon! Pornography is designed to be nothing but entertainment. It’s not real life guys. Pornography by its very nature is designed to make money by providing the viewer with a visual representation of their sexual fantasies. It’s unrealistic and not at all the soul-stirring, emotionally connected sharing of feelings and bodies that women are looking for in bed.

As men that frequently watch porn get more and more desensitized to “normal” sex,  porn producers push the envelope by delving deeper into the realm of dark, seedy, abusive sex scenes.  Modern porn has become scary, twisted and utterly demeaning to women. Many of these films portray fantasies where women are being beaten, raped, abducted and gang raped, molested in public places, forced to do things against their will (even if the initial sexual encounter was consensual), punched in the face or verbally/psychologically abused.  Men are downloading and buying these films to the tune of hundreds of millions of dollars annually (a figure that doesn’t even include revenue generated from adult websites).

These are not healthy images for impressionable male minds to see. Men, being the followers they are, will too often establish those movie scripts as something to emulate.  They want to be like other guys, do what other guys do, have what other guys have, and get the approval of other guys. And since “it” worked for the guys in the film, they believe “it” will work for them, too.

Immature males that cannot differentiate between fantasy and reality assume that if the female in the movie liked (fill in the blank), then it means every female does.  Silly men that cannot differentiate between entertainment and real life assume that if the female in the movie was okay with being (fill in the blank) in bed, then every female will be okay with it as well.

Then when these same males are in bed with a woman and she tells them that she doesn’t like what he is doing, or she isn’t responding with wild screams and moans like the porn star did, he thinks something is wrong with HER.

Many men get disappointed that the “trick” they tried didn’t work; that the 12 positions in 5 minutes and machine gun speed pounding that they saw the guy do in the movie didn’t elicit a mind-numbing orgasm in three minutes like it did the woman in the movie. Others get frustrated and angry at the woman because her lack of response ruined his image of himself as a major cocksman.

It never seems to occur to these simpletons that the problem is with THEM and their sexual technique – or lack thereof.

Most men don’t take the initiative of learning about women’s bodies at all. The thought that they might need to read a book to learn about female sexual responses and female anatomy is one they won’t have.  They believe that as MEN they already know everything they need to know about women.  Few would have the courage to ask a woman what she needs from them or wants in bed.  Even fewer would have the sense to do what she asks or tells them if she is brave enough to broach the subject herself.  Nope.  Their male ego and false pride keeps them locked in a world where they are a stud, but only in their own mind. Porn is bad. It teaches what men can sexually do TO a woman instead of what men can sexually do FOR a woman.

I discuss matters like this with single men frequently; their disbelief at my statements about the nature of porn and its potentially negative impact on their lovemaking skills with women is shocking.

I find myself constantly pointing out to them that what they perceive to be “truth” and “facts” is nothing but solid acting by well paid entertainers.   I mean, if you were going to get $1000 for 8 hours of work, and you want to be called back to make another $1000 next week, you’d want to put on quite a show and make the scene look as realistic as possible.  You’d make all those painfully uncomfortable and unstimulating sexual positions, the gross fetishes, the insulting words, and disgusting behaviors look pleasurable.  You’d make it look like this was the best sex you’d ever had, right?

Silly guys don’t get that they are watching someone moan and groan and fling herself around with “passion” because she is being paid to do so.  They make amazing leaps in logic and assume that she is feeling the same sexual excitement that he feels watching her performance. He doesn’t get that the excitement she feels is based solely on what she is gonna do with her cash.

Now, I have to admit that many couples occasionally watch porn together. They find it a nice addition to their sex life, spicing things up and making the preliminary “warm-up before we get busy period” a lot shorter. But in that instance they are both aware of the fantasy projected in the film. They are using the fantasy to augment their well-established sex life. The fantasy is not being used as the standard or model for their sex life as so many single men seem to do.

Researchers at the University of Montreal performed a study on the porn viewing habits of single men vs. married men. Their study revealed that single men, on average, watched 40 minutes of porn 3 times per week, while men in relationships or married watched it an average of 1.7 times per week for about 20 minutes.

Pornography is most often used by men to achieve a goal – a self-induced orgasm in as short a time as possible.  Therein lies the problem which may create a great deal of conflict when this man is having sex with a female.  These fellas don’t always understand that in bed with a woman, the goal and focus must be completely different.

Self pleasuring can also become an issue in a relationship if a man substitutes porn and instant gratification masturbation for real sex.  It’s a further problem if a man should become addicted to the pressure and speed of self-pleasuring and begin to reject his woman’s sexual intimacy needs.  Self pleasuring becomes a huge problem should man become unable to become aroused without his fantasy or fetish. Some guys must be viewing their porn while having sex in order to perform at all.

A woman is not in bed with you to be used as a masturbation vehicle, a substitute for your hand while you do instant replays of your freaky fetish porn movie in your head.  To be a lover that women want to be in bed with, to have around for years, to daydream about while she is at work , your goal must be to provide MUTUAL pleasure and connectedness.  That means you are going to have to slow down your expectation of instant gratification and have sex in ways that meet women’s needs for a buildup of sexual tension, romance, fun and intimate closeness.

To have the best sex with women, it means you are going to have to concentrate on creating an environment for females that feels safe and loving. Sometimes the best position to achieve this closeness is the good old missionary style so you can look into her eyes, touch her face, and kiss her while you two are having sex.

None of the emotional and physical needs women have which create fulfilling sexual encounters for her are addressed in pornography. If you are a man that watches porn, and you think you should have sex with women like the guys do in the movies, you have a lot to learn.

Deborrah

Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.

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Tags: horny women, how porn harms women, how to make love to a woman, human sexuality, men and pornography, porn addiction, why men like porn

Category: Society and Culture