Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
If while separated your spouse had a baby with someone else, would you be able to trust him, move past a new baby and work things out? Or would you just call it quits?
Dear On the Fence:
Marraiges — indeed all relationships — go through cycles of conflict and disagreement and harmony. What separates the long-term marriage from the couple that get divorced is a willingness to work through those conflicts and their commitment to both each other and the marriage. No matter how rough things get, the one constant each has is the knowledge that the other will be there 100% though thick and thin.
In your case your husband not only took a lover, but had unprotected sex with her — someone he barely knew. His behavior was irresponsible, thoughtless and certainly did not make you and your marriage a priority in his mind.
He has now contributed to a new life being on this planet. And since the baby is brand new, you are looking at a minimum of 18 years of child support, visitation, dealing with the baby momma, and looking at a child that is a constant reminder of a bad time in your life and what your husband did to “resolve” things between the two of you.
Remember that when he has visitation, he will be expecting you to participate in the caretaking of the infant child — its diaper changing, feeding, toilet training, etc. And should anything happen to his source of income which impacts his ability to pay child support, the legal system will snatch it out of YOUR check since you two are in a community property state. In other words, they look at your income as being half his, and will have no problem taking HIS child support payments out of the money that YOU make.
Now that I’ve said all that as explanation, bottom line for me would be HELL NO. He made a choice to sleep with this woman without protection, and risked not only making a baby but contracting some dreadful disease which he would have given to you! He will also be dealing with this woman and her idiosyncrasies. She will have the right to call your home and talk to your husband at any time about anything, using the child as an excuse. He will have to take her call because it really might be about his child.
There will be inevitable conflicts about food, toys, money, discipline, homework, parenting styles, and even clothing and shoes. In addition to child support, your husband will be required to pay half the day care cost so the mother can work, and put the child on his health insurance plan. He will have to pay half of private school tuition should the child be bright enough to get into one. And should something happen to that woman, your husband is next of kin which means the child would come and live with the two of you full time.
I strongly suggest you think about all this. Imagine this as your life in the future — is this what you want? Is this man so fabulous that you would allow all these other things to impact your life just to keep him around?
If the answer is “yes” then you know what is going to happen. However, if the answer is “no”, I suggest you seek out an attorney and make the break formal and permanent. Get out now and move on to a man who hasn’t f’d up his life the way your husband has. Just because he jacked up his world doesn’t mean you have to hang around and let him jack up yours.
Category: Dating Advice