Why Are Single Black Women ALWAYS Told to Settle?
Single Black Women Thrown Under the Bus
I was sent a link to a video the other day by a woman who proclaims to own a matchmaking business. However, she explained that she no longer accepts single black women (female) clients because “some women have unrealistic standards for the men they want to date and marry!”
That was how she started off, then she cracked her knuckles and went in for the kill.
“What I learned from my matchmaking business is that the average woman doesn’t want a good man, a husband — what she really wants is a standard or idea of what a man is supposed to be. It’s not realistic. This is not who men are, what they think, what they value. It’s just this preconceived idea of what men SHOULD be, but this is not reality.”
Now, there are two ways to interpret that statement:
- Women have lofty ideals about the man they want to have as a life partner, and this woman is saying they’re wrong to want those things because they are delusional about their desirability to men, or are overreaching and don’t deserve what they say they want. In her mind they’re setting themselves up to be single forever; or
- Women have lofty ideals about the man they want to have as a life partner, and this woman is saying they’re wrong to want those things because men are incapable of meeting the standards of accomplished women who have a good sense of who and what they are, and are clear about the man who has the qualities they have identified as being a requirement for their long-term happiness.
As I went through the video, it became very clear that this allegedly professional “matchmaker” was focusing strictly on point #1 above.
She went on to say that single women are wrong to expect their future husband to be sensitive or anything like a best friend. She said expecting him to be sensitive like a girlfriend will guarantee that he will hurt your feelings all the time. I was shocked. Of course many of the closest couples declare each other to be their best friend and that they tell each other everything. That might not be the path that you would choose (I doubt I would either), but for thousands of couples it works.
Not only that, if your husband isn’t sensitive to what you are feeling, what your needs are, what hurts you, what brings you joy, what makes you smile, what makes you upset, how to soothe and relax you – then what the fuck did you marry him for? And what the fuck do you need with him? Why would a woman marry some uncaring, insensitive jerk who doesn’t give a shit about how she feels or why she feels it?
I mean, is that what you are expected to settle for, just to say you’re married?
One Insult After Another
All through the video she insulted single women by saying: a) they date fuckboys and that is who they are comparing “good men” to; b) the fuckboys you dated before weren’t ready to be husbands (but of course that doesn’t mean you were ready to be somebody’s wife either!); c) then when you meet a guy who is “crazy about you” that you complain that “he’s corny, likes me too much, texts me too much” etc.
Why assume that every relationship that didn’t work out was with a fuckboy? How rude! So when people get divorced, are ex-husbands considered fuckboys too?
According to her, “your standards are standardizing you right out of the game.” Single, never-married women were chastised for having standards which included the things listed below:
- a man who had also never been married
- a man with no children
- a man with height that worked for your height
- a man who was not a pastor or other religious type
- a man who was deemed handsome (some examples were Boris Kodjoe, Idris Elba or Michael Ealy)
- refusing to settle for less
Her Solution? A Build a Man Kit
She actually suggested that single women “need to find yourself a build-a-boo!” Ain’t nobody got time for that! Though she turned right around and emphasized that “until a man is ready, he is not going to choose you. Doesn’t matter how you put it down in bed, your values, how you look or how big your butt is. Until a man is ready, he is not settling down.”
And that my dears, is the whole truth and nothing but. Which is why you NEVER settle for less than what you want and struggle along with some chump building a boo who is not going to choose you because he’s not ready!! You are working, bending over backwards, sacrificing your time energy money and body in a relationship with a man that isn’t ready yet. While you’re building a boo and hoping that he chooses you at the end, you’re wasting your precious dating time and youth on someone who is not ready, may NEVER be ready, and even when he is ready, there is no guarantee that he will choose you as his wife!
MGTOW, IBMOR and TFL Loved It
The other disturbing thing about this video is how many of the loser MGTOW, true forced loneliness, and angry black male IBMOR crew loved it. They passed the link around all over the place, and enjoyed crowing about how single black women needed to listen to it and do what she suggests. They of course love anything that negates black women and makes them feel unworthy, small, or devalued. The fact that this woman made a video telling black women “you’re messed up, boo!” in a condescending tone thrilled them to no end.
What most of these guys look like
They also love anything that they feel helps give them a chance at the women they would NEVER get an opportunity with. After all, if single black women did listen and lowered their standards to include their creepy little Golum like asses, they might get some trim and have a chance to be married after all.
Near the end she was responding to the question about what she gave up to marry her husband – a divorced country boy pastor with no money – vs. the six and seven figure businessmen and exciting professional athletes she dated previously. “He’s a down to earth good man” she proclaimed.
But then she took a left turn and began to attack single women she’d interacted with after she started dating her now husband. After talking to these ladies, she said she realized that they would have rejected her husband as a potential candidate. Because these women wanted something different than what she had, she came back with “what you’re wanting is so extra, it’s even more than what I have! He don’t make enough money, he is a pastor. You would have turned him down in a heartbeat! I know I make more money than you, and I know I look pretty good, but he wouldn’t be enough for you! I knew my standards of a good man doesn’t match what these women want. They were unrealistic.”
I stared in disbelief. You’re in business yet taking things entirely too personally. Female clients don’t need to want what YOU want. They aren’t you. Every woman’s idea of what makes a man “good” varies based on her history, her needs, her age, her social status, her belief system, and a host of other things which influence her decision.
Then I wondered, so if you are so thrilled with your choice why do you feel the need to get upset because they want something you perceive to be BETTER than what you have? If you’re happy with your Volvo man, why get mad cause another woman doesn’t like Volvos, she wants a drop top BMW and is willing to wait to get it?
Threatening You With Being Single
The negation of women for wanting what they thought best for themselves went on and on. The constant threat was there that if you intelligent, educated, beautiful, young, healthy, professional single black women don’t lower your standards and take a short man, a man who makes $35,000 a year, a man with two kids and two babymommas, a man with no college education, a man who looks like he got hit in the face with a shovel, a man with a waistline of 70 inches, etc. that you will just get old and be lonely and never get married and die alone in a house full of cats.
That’s the typical charge levied by the MGTOW/IBMOR dudes when they want to try to shame single women into accepting their vile, angry, short, broke, funny looking asses as suitors.
However, these same men (and society in general), tell single black women to choose better…pick a man on your level instead of Pookie and Ray Ray and thugs! Choose a man with character, morals, strong work ethic, who can provide security to you and the children you two have, who has a plan for the future, who looks like something, who is about something, who is a family man, who has his shit together, etc.
Yet, as witnessed by this video and the comments by the angry men below it, when black women DO try to choose better, they get slammed for having “unrealistic expectations” and “unreasonable standards” and are told that “men aren’t like that!”
I explain in full detail in this video, and encourage all single black women to not be swayed by naysayers who want you to accept the bottom of the barrel residue they want you to have, vs. the beautiful rich cream of the crop that you seek.
Deborrah
Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.
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Category: Women's Issues
