The Commitment Avoider – Commitment Phobic Men That Won’t Commit

| 01/02/2013 | Comments (1)
  • He’s Emotionally Unavailable – He’s very guarded about what he tells you, what he shares with you of an emotional, financial or spiritual nature. Some men are moody and take you on an emotional roller coaster as he flips from being Mr. Smiley Fun to Mr. Grumpy Jerk in 5 seconds flat. You may start to wonder if he is bipolar or needs meds. Conversations with him about personal matters are frustrating, as you find that getting his opinion or feelings on matters is like pulling teeth. He is protective, distant, off putting. A man or woman for that matter that wasn’t willing to share and open up their world and hearts completely to a partner. This guy is terrified of being hurt and can’t get over the broken heart he had at 16, or the urban legends he heard of how other men he has never met were trampled in a divorce.
  • Sabotages the Relationship– Whether with hurtful words or intentionally annoying behaviors, the commitment phobic man does everything he can to push you away. If he knows you have an aversion to lateness, he’ll intentionally be late to get your Irish up. He has a very casual attitude about the fact that you two have a date scheduled and is likely to stand you up at the last minute, feigning like he doesn’t understand why you can’t just go with the flow and stop being so anal about things.He presents your anger as you attempting to control his life, when all you are asking for is respect for your time.He’s most likely to strike when you two have had an enjoyable time together and you’re feeling especially loving and seeking closeness. You’d hoped the romantic afterglow would continue, but he dashed it with words that left you wishing he would dry up and blow away. He’ll often tell you about the women that came onto him, flirted with him, or that found him attractive to make you jealous and cause you pain. Since he is doing what he is doing intentionally, his “apologies” have hollow ring and mean nothing.
  • Fault Finds with Everything– Though no one is perfect, some commitment phobic guys put you on a pedestal of Goddess-like perfection as noted above. But the flip side is the guys that complain and find fault with everything about you that isn’t perfect. This guy has totally unrealistic expectations about what his girlfriend or wife should look like, be like, think like, etc. The fault-finder is prone to nitpick and criticize you endlessly. When he looks at you, it’s with an air of disdain, as if he is communicating his disapproval.

    There is a strong need for these guys to find something wrong with you that can be used to justify their rejection and exit from the relationship before it gets too serious. Reasons given for rejection have included totally silly things like “when we slept together her bra and panties didn’t match,” or “she doesn’t know anything about football and I want my woman to watch football with me.” Others complain about things he knew when he first met the woman like “she had small boobs and I prefer women with larger breasts” or “she was X race/age/body type and I prefer women of Y race/age/body type.”
  • He’s a Yo-Yo Lover – This guy boings into your life then when he can’t move forward to a commitment, drops out and runs away. Then, just as you’ve begun to mend your heart and move on, like a yo-yo on stealth mode, he quietly rolls back proclaiming that he was a fool, he misses you, and can the two of you at least be friends. Of course you pick up where you left off as if nothing had ever happened only to repeat the same “fail to commit/run away” pattern again.

Women Need to Listen Better With Their Ears and Eyes

When a man tells you that he’s not ready for a relationship, it means he’s either not interested in commitment in general, or he’s not interested in commitment with YOU. Either way, he isn’t offering anything that you say you’re looking for. The appropriate response to such a revelation would be to immediately move on to other opportunities.

However, for some reason when women hear this type of message, they don’t listen!

Men also communicate by actions vs. words. If he is saying he loves you and sees a future, but you notice that his BEHAVIOR is outlined in this article, you should pay more attention to what he does than what he says.

Most often, however, women make excuses for male behavior (“he’s just confused” or “he’s still hurt from the breakup with his ex”), or see him as a challenge. Many women convince themselves that with enough time, sex like a porn star, and love with them will be so special and unique that he’ll change his mind about commitment.

Ladies, all you’re doing is setting yourself up for disappointment. A man telling or showing you that he is not into commitment is telling you from the get-go that he is not going to offer you anything of substance.

If you want a close, intimate, long-term relationship, this guy is not the one.

Problems with the Modern Male and Commitment

Sociologists cite five milestones (“markers”) that have traditionally defined adulthood in U.S. culture: finishing one’s education, moving out of the childhood home, becoming financially independent, getting married, and becoming a parent. In 1960, 65 percent of men had ticked off all five by the age of 30; by 2000, only one-third had.

In the 1960s-1970s, men with wives were viewed as more stable, more successful, and more mature. Married men were given better positions in corporations and bigger salaries because they were “family men” – a title men wore with pride. These days, however, men get sex, children, and all the other perks of corporate prestige and income without marriage.

In December 2012, a site called The Economic Collapse published an article entitled 22 States That Prove There is Something Seriously Wrong with Young Men in America. The article discussed the extended adolescent phase of American males that contribute to their resistance to commitment, being on their own and starting a family.


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Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.

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Category: Women's Issues

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  1. Razzy says:

    Another great article.  Unfortunately in the dating cesspool, there abounds commitment phobic fish in far greater numbers than the prize catches. Women spend far more time throwing back the bottom dwellers instead of taking home the top prize catch.  
    Another noticeable observance is men expect women to do a lot of things for them. women have to ‘show’ they are worthy for wife and men don’t have to show anything.  Men are a lot more trouble than they’re worth most of the time. When women do finally land one, she has worked herself to death before and after the marriage to keep him.

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