Critical Review of “Is Marriage for White People” by Ralph Richard Banks
And then finally, he talks about the educational gaps, which contribute, to the man shortage experienced by black women. There are an estimated 1.4 million black women in college, while only 900,000 black men. At historically black colleges, fewer then 1/3 of the black men graduate within 6 years. The numbers are worse in postgraduate schools. While 125,000 black women were enrolled in graduate school in 2008, only 58,000 brothas were. This has had a profound affect in a world where well paying jobs are now bent towards technology and other fields that require higher education. The disparity in wages, education and experiences causes a major gap in the gender’s ability to find common ground. And because of this stark reality, black women are finding themselves in a position that is leading to what troubles me to the most.
Man sharing.
And as the author explains, this is not just about the jealousy and drama that sharing a man creates. This is where things get dangerous for black women, and the area that we pay the highest cost:
Successful black men, realizing the advantage they are placed in, due to the chronic underachievement of their brothas, and the desperation of middle class, college educated women, to couple with men at or above their level, are holding off on commitment, opting instead to keep multiple women in rotation. Feeling entitled to ‘the best’ because of the rarity of their positioning within the community, these black men are delaying marriage and commitment, and dictating the terms of relationships that many women are agreeing to, out of fear and loneliness. Women are knowingly sharing men, hoping to end up the chosen one, with the rock and the last name, when its all said and done. Determined to be the last woman standing, black women are exposing themselves to men who at any given time, may have up to 6 or more women in rotation, including sexually. Black men, bolstered by their newfound position as Kings of the Jungle, require more, while offering less, demanding physical perfection, or, as the author puts it…
“For many black men, the surfeit of black women makes it enticing to remain single, and likely causes black men’s STANDARDS for a wife to rise. Even if a man decides he wants to marry, the variety of women he has enjoyed may nurture and UNREALISTIC standard. I know men who expect in a wife, a combination of the best of all the women they have dated. Although a natural consequence of the relationship market, such a sense of ENTITLEMENT makes a relationship with any woman difficult. There is a popular discourse about whether black women are too picky, but what from I have seen, it is black men, particularly sought after and successful, who are the pickiest of all”. He goes on to say…” Some of the most desirable (black) men, emboldened by their scarcity and the resulting plethora of options, negotiate the relationship deals they think work to their advantage: sex and female companionship WITHOUT commitment.”
And as a result, black women respond with the following….
“When a committed partnership is not on the horizon, and the prospect of a long term payoff is bleak, the sensible thing to do is to focus on the short term, take ones benefits from the relationship, NOW, not wait for them in the future.”
A future that may never come. This leads to black women attempting to in essence, milk the situation for all that its worth, right up front. “You might as well get paid” one interviewee says in the book. “He better take you to the nicest places, buy you things because you know you’re gonna have to put up with the usual mess”.
And then we get labeled a ‘gold digger’. But this is the first time anyone has ever suggested WHY black women ‘go digging for gold’. Mr. Banks, adds breadth and depth to what is usually brushed off as selfishness and greed. No one ever stopped to wonder, if perhaps black women are settling for trinkets, because what we really want…commitment, love, respect and EXCLUSIVITY, is not even on the table!
But this approach backfires, as it creates suspicion and resentment in black men, who go out of their way to guard their pockets and their hearts. According to the author, “bitterness, distrust and resentment – these are the consequences of man sharing”.
All of this leads to a multitude of ripple affects that black women are dealing with every day, even if we are unaware of their sources. Where white men are under the impression that marriage leads to more available and consistent sex, for black men the opposite is often true. The over abundance of black women kept in rotation, leads black men to find marriage to be less of a benefit, sexually. Because as the author puts it, ‘the numbers tip so heavily in their favor’, the supposed sexual benefits of marriage don’t carry over for black men. In essence, “…while black women don’t marry because they have too few options, some black men don’t marry because the have too many’.
Black women accept this for one simple reason. “The more favorable options outside the relationship give the man more power with in it. The easier it is for him to find the type of relationship he wants elsewhere, the less willing he is to compromise in this one”.
He goes on to say…”Saddled with the knowledge that other women with less demanding standards might quickly swoop up on her partner on the market, she feels the pressure to accept a deal that does not conform to her expectations”. In the end, “Black men tend to use their disproportionate power to establish relationships that are intimate, but not committed, that entail sex but not marriage, and that offer benefits without responsibilities”.
And the one that really got me was…
“The failure of so many black men, increases the value of successful black men- and that power seems to be INTOXICATING: a currency that’s often used to avoid commitment rather then attract a wife.”
His use of the word INTOXICATING, struck a nerve in me. With that sentence, I truly began to realize what I, as a black woman, am up against. This shit is like a drug for them. And we all know drug addicts rarely realize they are addicted, and only seek help when they have NO OTHER OPTIONS. I don’t see that situation happening here, not any time soon.
But out of all of this, the scariest, and most jolting thing that shocked my ass back into coherence, were the following statistics. THIS is the price black women are ultimately paying, for the man sharing, disparity in numbers, marrying out, high incarceration rates, and lack of education of black men. Get ready. The list is quite troubling:
‘Black women are more likely then any other group of people to be infected with herpes according to the 2010 study from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention”.
“Most alarmingly, almost half of all black women have herpes”.
” The increased incidence of herpes among black women is NOT a result of promiscuity among women, or unsafe sexual practices- neither of these are the primary culprit. The available evidence indicates that African Americans are no less likely then other groups to use condoms. Nor can the high rate of herpes infection among black women be attributed to an exposure to a greater number of sexual partners. Even among black women with fewer then FOUR lifetime partners, infection rates are more then three times higher amongst AA then whites. Black women with between 2 and 4 partners are more likely t be infected with herpes then white women who have had more then TEN partners’.
“Concurrent relationships contribute to the high rate of herpes infection among black women. Black women are more likely to be involved in multi-partner relationships then white women, and these multi-partner relationships dramatically increase the risk of contracting sexual transmitted diseases. In these relationships BLACK MEN are the promiscuous ones, but black women BEAR MORE OF THE COSTS.”
“Black men are also significantly more likely to have a high number of lifetime sexual partners then men of other races”.
“Black women are nearly 15 times as likely as white women to be newly infected with HIV”.
“They also discovered that for blacks- but not for whites- multiple partner relationships were the most common among BETTER educated men”.
“Black men are more reluctant to marry than black women, white men or white women.”
“Black men with a live in partner were more then five times as likely as their white counterparts, to also be involved in a long term relationship with another woman.”
“Black married men are substantially more likely than other groups of men (or women) to engage in extra marital relationships.”
“…But some evidence suggests, the infertility rate among black women has been increasing, and that it may now exceed the infertility rate of white women. One potential contributor is the incidence of sexually transmitted diseases, to which man sharing relationships expose women.”
(continued on page 4 below)
Category: Book Reviews, Society and Culture
I left out something in my comments that I didn’t include because it was initially written directly to a friend but since it is posted for the world to see, I need to add it. And that addition would be that in no way am I making excuses for Black men– we are most definitely in the wrong about a lot of things…A LOT OF THINGS. And I take the responsibility for the collective whole of us as males/men (two totally different things). However, in the same breath, ALL of us are not at fault while far too many are. Realistically, ALL Black women aren’t “good” women, or women that have prepared themselves to be a positive partner with a man [and vice versa]. Please, please, please do not misconstrue this for an attack…there is no need to attack that which I love. I just think that we ALL have to take off the veils and be brutally honest about it on both sides…and I will definitely say that our women are at a disadvantage when it comes to the availability of a “good” man– as mentioned before, it has been designed that way. Hopefully I didn’t make bad matters worse but I’m not one to sugar-coat things– there is liberation in the truth even though the truth can hurt~if you resist it.
[exhaling in disgust and overstanding]…Hey ——-, I just read that article and I feel the pain of the women who identify with it which I’m willing to bet is a vast majority. My mind, right now, is all over the Universe because of the possibilities and probabilities that we face as the earth gets ready to enter into the next phase, a phase that I’m almost convinced will make all the material in articles like these a moot point. But until then, it has to be addressed in a last ditch effort to repair the schism that has existed between the Black woman and man for far too long. And privately, I realize that some things can be flawed to a point of no repair.
Sh*t…do I want to comment on the article, the collective dilemma of Black women, the collective dilemma of the “good” Black men left or You and your own personal experience of the same dilemma…and in posing that question to myself, simultaneously almost, I answered it. It is all inter-related/inter-dependent like the relationship between man and woman – regardless of color – was designed to be.
First, what is the problem? If we can step back and take a long hard look at where it began, maybe, as with a lot of our community’s ills, we are admonished to go back to the days of chattel slavery. At the moment, since I’m writing this primarily to you, ——-, there’s no need to rehash all of the specifics on how we were taken from a particular ‘space & being’ and stripped of everything that entailed it until even the memory was deleted on a conscious (and in some respects subconscious) level. Then, in being transplanted against our will and nature, we were programmed to take on for ourselves an alien ‘space & (non)being’. Now, to try and abbreviate this as best I can without diluting the important factors that tie it all together, we have to consider, at the very least, that just as life forms can evolve they can also devolve, both on an individual level or in a collective sense. Unfortunately, when I look at this dilemma from a macro-cosmic view, facts show that, on one hand, Black people born and raised (for lack of a better term) in the so-called United States (factoring in the first day of the Afrikan slave trade up to now) have evolved on the external level meaning that we can accomplish all the things in this Western societal construct which requires that we catch up-keep up-and surpass any other group of people in any arena on any level. I see that as being ‘external’, or as Tolle like’s to phrase it, the world of “form”. Sticking with the reality of slavery and it’s underlying and ongoing effects, I believe it safe to say that the Black woman has caught up-kept up and surpassed the Black man in the ‘external’ aspect. Most importantly, it seems to me, as an ultra observer of past events that make-up what is labeled “history”, this has been a part of strategy. It is no secret that the white European male has stolen and claimed ownership of industry in the world; hell, let’s be completely real, they have stolen and claimed ownership of nearly every tangible thing in the world that has been identified as of yet. As such, and in having an understanding of the European ethos which is based in “individualism” (and warrants the attainment of power), we surely know that it was necessary to strategize along all lines of maintaining this ownership, this power. In so doing, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist, as they say, to discern that the unity of the Black man and woman, i.e., the Black family, was a major threat to their existence as they saw it and needed it to remain in place. While the Black man is responsible to account for and admit to the many shortcomings that have reaped havoc on the Black family and community, I think the more mature stance to take – at least initially, whenever we agree on a concrete, committed starting point – would be to ask a simple question, and in my opinion, that would be “Why?”. When you have been taken away from your natural mind and forced to exist in an alien environment with alien food and alien rules and alien forms who surround and ultimately control you – you have been put in a position that dictates some sort of compromise at every turn. And ‘the compromise’ is what brings us to our devolution on an interior level.
When I use the terms interior and exterior, these are the closest labels that I could pull from my own mind to paint the most visible understanding of what it is I mean. So equate exterior with material, tangible things. When I speak of ‘interior’, think of those elements that are untouchable, ultimately responsible for the true success or failure of the exterior…and I do realize that these are relative terms I’m using but they serve a purpose. Those things interior were the elements directly responsible for our survival during the chattel slavery experience. The interior orchestrated rebellions and underground railroads and the language of the drum. But as the chattel slavery experience endured and strengthened and even became more palatable to the ones who benefited down to the ones who resigned to the favor of a mere existence on this earth…which meant more and more attention was given to the exterior (survival) while less and less attention was given to the interior (essence).
You see, as the exterior was gradually raised to a pedestal, the interior was averted. We like to look back in a grand nostalgic sense at our grandmothers and grandfathers and the great ones before them and the great-great ones before that along with the aunts and uncles and great ones of them that we thought served as the shining example of family…and on the surface, they did. They kept it together and portrayed a portrait of family in the finest sense that we could imagine. They were honorable people and still, with valiant attempts, clutched the last vestiges of the interior. But we, the children looking up, were unaware of the insatiable pain they experienced…for with all their might and resolve and resourcefulness, they were still forced to endure within that which had been tattered and broken. And this was a both-sides experience, meaning that the men and the women were forced to somehow process this exiled-state-of-mind as part of everyday life not ever quite being able to touch its roots…so, eventually, what do you do? Eventually, we were going to have to face our forced assimilation into those things that were man-made and deemed natural when to us, naturally, they were all just the opposite. Eventually, that one little piece of string was bound to unravel tempting the inevitable break-down to occur. Eventually, that which – from the very beginning – is dysfunctional fails to function at levels that can only continue to be degraded. And now, eventually has arrived.
So we now wonder where we are in this game of love or lack thereof…confused to how we got here…angry at ‘what-the-hell-happened?’…looking for our lost fathers and uncles and brothers…no longer recognizing our sisters and our aunts and mothers…left in an organized wilderness wondering what is wrong with me…what is wrong with us?
There is a term we can say is cliche but rings true when you/we see it, or better yet, know it for what it is: That term is “back to basics”. Unfortunately, the exterior set [us] sail on what we thought was a voyage, a grand adventure, an ocean liner cruise…then ran out of fuel in the middle of an unknown sea where we sink slowly, only faster now, with it. One of the key words is “back”. While I know it’s painful and most of us have not wanted to identify with the whole ordeal, going back to the chattel slavery experience is key. It no longer and never has served us to resist this. Acceptance of ‘what it all was’ which has resulted in ‘what it all is’, is our saving grace. Frankly, I never intended to write as much as I have – seriously – and that precludes me from delving into much more but it’s necessary that I crack the door that behind it holds treasures of our people’s past existence…our mass contributions to this civilization…our royalty…our Oneness. If you can become aware – and of course, I’m not speaking to you, I know you know (——) – of but a fraction of these treasures that have been untold and purposely hidden and even destroyed, then you will be able without reservation to accept the brief period in our collective existence wherein we fell. But as we fall, as long as blood continues to run blue through our veins, we can get up.
But…there is such a thing as “too late”.
Having said all of that, I can still hear a background voice whisper, “Ok, I get what you’re saying but I still want a [good] man” Being single myself I say the exact same thing, replacing the man with a woman. There’s more I want to say about this ——–, I’m especially taken aback by the final option of “dating out”. And let me just touch on that real quick before I go and come back later…
While I’ve commented on some of the issues that directly affect and relate to the lack of Black men and women relationships, another reality that we also need to address is that this ‘dilemma’ is not only one that ails Black folk…naw, this is a human dilemma. Grass being greener in the neighbor’s yard only looks like that from afar until you actually go over there and see for yourself, and lo and behold, there’s a brown spot over here…it’s some weeds back in the corner over there…I never noticed this spot, it hasn’t even grown in yet. Yes, this is but an analogy, however, a very real analogy. I’m short-changing the discussion because I really need to go (and go deeper), although I would like to stay here all day and talk about this because it is definitely of dire importance – maybe this is the spark I needed to finally start my blog radio talk show~we as men and women NEED to talk – but basically, men and women alike have to get “back to basics” (key word this go ’round being “basics”) and start to learn about each other…learn about the differences that make us who and what we are…and most importantly, as we learn these things we should uphold what we learn, if it’s truth, by respecting our differences. It’s so much more I’d like to say, maybe I can get into again, later~I’d like to. Thanks for sharing the article, ——-…seems like it couldn’t have come in a better space. Ttyl…
I appreciate your detailed review:) When I first saw this book on CNN, I thought it would be just another empty critisism of black people. It looks as though it maybe worth the read.
I just may read this book after your review. I don’t know what’s happening, and I never understood why so many black women are resistant towards dating out, even with these glaring statistics. I get that some black women aren’t attracted to men of other races…BUT with the way things are, we can’t afford to sit around expecting the “black knight in shining armor” to show up.
I just don’t understand why some black women are choosing race over love, respect, dignity, intimacy, etc and all that other good stuff that comes with being in a relationship.
I read the book. It struck a chord with me also. I even checked out his sources to see if they could be verified. I had no problem finding them. As of now, I’m only interested in dating a man with the same values as me. I will always be a black woman, but I choose to define what kind of relationship I want and who I get involved with. To me, race takes a back seat to finding that special someone.
I am ready, too! Thank you for such a great review. I am going to pick this book up today and will probably spend the weekend reading it.
Girl, sista girl, I’m “which you”–I’ve been waiting for more black women to get on board. Time to reclaim our power and take CARE of ourselves for real, the rest will come, be that as it may. But we do NOT have to accept foolishness, unless we wish to wallow in it, and I, for one, do not.
I am so happy that you saw yourself in this book. However, if sisters would take the blinders off, many will see themselves without having to go out and buy this book (not that I’m discouraging that…lol). Truth be told, I don’t think (SOME!) black men have been trying to hide what they are all about. Most sisters know deep down inside what time is it and has been. In fact, if they didn’t they wouldn’t accept such foolishness as man sharing. I think the ultimate answer to this dilemma is for sisters to start respecting themselves. It sounds trite, but it’s true. If we respect ourselves and know our worth, we would not accept this mess that some black men have laid down for us.
We would realize how wonderful we are and how lucky any man would be to have us. We would have to believe that before they would. If women would realize that we do not need a man, I think the desperation levels would subside. I think we would get things into perspective and realize that we can have a rich, full life without a guy….once we figured that out, we wouldn’t be so desperate to hook our claws into one. We would understand that a relationship is an important part of our lives…..not our entire life.
We wouldn’t give another person the upper hand simply because we want them to put a ring on it. What would you gain if the guy didn’t honor the vows behind that ring? We’ve given men so much rope that they think they can do whatever they want to us…..and they do! If we would stop giving away the milk for free…..do not have sex with every man that says hello, then our stock would rise. No one values anything that they can get easily on every street corner. Give yourself the gift of self-respect whether there is a man there or not.
Lastly, stop thinking that just because God made you black that it means you can only date black men. Sweet jesus….what a waste if you think you can’t find love with other men who through no fault of their own happened to be born another color. Stop looking at color and look at the man. Does he treat you with respect, dignity and honor? Then that should be the only qualifications that you should be concerned about. Open your eyes and your world will open just as wide. Do not continue to give men who do not respect and treasure you your time or attention. YOU deserve better, so start acting like it!!
I definitely want to read this book. Great review, by the way! You’ve gotten me all excited about a work of non-fiction. That’s quite an accomplishment.