The Pair and a Spare Dating Program

| 09/25/2010 | Comments (15)

Talking to a friend of mine the other day, I expressed my opinion that all single women should consider dating more than one man at a time. Preferably three.  What I call “a pair and a spare dating program,” involves keeping 3 men in rotation until such time as one rises to the top like cream.  Should that happen, you get rid of the other two circling vultures. She was horrified and thought I was the most awful person in the world.

Shrug.

I have 19 male cousins, 3 brothers, and at least a dozen male buddies.  One thing I know is that men do this multiple dating thing as a matter of course.  They don’t meet just ONE woman and drop everything and everyone to date her!  But women do this almost automatically for some reason.  It kills me how females meet a guy and start obsessing over every word he says, every gesture he makes, dissecting and over analyzing everything to the nth degree, and wondering “where this is going?”

Wow, can you find out his middle name first before you start picking out the dress and ordering invitations?

And please don’t let a woman find out a guy has been seeing or sleeping with some other chick while seeing and sleeping with her too.  Oh lawd!

“He cheated on me!” she angrily declares to anyone within 400 yards.  “He’s nothing but a dog, a player!  He used me!”  

Excuse me girlfriend…. how can he “cheat” on you when you two were never an item?  Just because you slept with him doesn’t make him your committed boyfriend you know. If you dropped them drawers and assumed that meant a commitment where none existed BEFORE you got horizontal… well, I don’t know what to tell you.  Yes I do.  You are dumb.

That is why I think the best policy is for all women to date more than one guy at a time (three guys at a time to be exact), and participate in the “Pair and a Spare Dating Program.”

See, having more than one man around keeps you entertained and having a good time with a couple of fun people.  You get attention, affection, and you have something to do on weekends with either Man A, Man B or Man C.

And by mixing it up, you don’t get too caught up on any one fella.  You therefore don’t waste your time with an unsuitable knucklehead trying to “make it work.”  And you certainly don’t start focusing on him to the exclusion of all other guys, nor do you overload any one guy with obligations and responsibilities he hasn’t signed on for.

Sure, you will meet some men that demand instant and total loyalty from the first date.  Guys that glob on like that are kinda scary, and I would imagine that men feel the same way when women glob onto them.   I’ve come across a few of such men in my life.  One guy (older than me by eight years), gruffly told me to “get rid of all my other niggahs” after we talked on the phone twice and went on one lunch date! Haven’t seen or talked to him since.

Men have expressed to me that a woman dating more than one guy at a time is judged to be a player, a hoochie mama, a gold digger that uses men for entertainment.  They are especially fearful that said woman might be SLEEPING WITH ALL THREE GUYS.  So what?  Tell them to get lost!  These guys haven’t proven themselves to be anything special yet, and have no right to demand that we give up investigating all other possibilities in our search for our Mr. Right Life Partner and “settle” for his ass!

Not only that, every man has special and unique abilities, personalities, and ways of looking at the world.  Why settle for one skill set when you can partake of three?

Speaking of three, I think I need to make sure you understand that three is the maximum, not the minimum. Who can juggle more than three guys at a time?  We have demanding jobs, school, or children we need to tend to.  We have friends, other social obligations, hobbies we enjoy, and extended families we need to spend time with as well.  Which means there really isn’t a whole lotta time to spend looking at some man’s face.  So if you meet a new guy that really rocks your world, you let one of your other three guys go and replace him with the new dude.

You are allowed a pair and a spare, that’s it.

Women need to stop trying to win men’s approval and be “good girls.”  Instead, stand up for your rights when it comes to dating. Do what you want to do, whatever works and makes YOU happy.  Tell men straight up:  “hey, I am dating around until I find the right fit.  You might ultimately be that guy, but until I spend more time with you and get to know you better, I am going to continue dating a few people. You should do the same.”

Such declarations level the playing field and openly and honestly let men know where they stand.  Most men enjoy the chase of winning a woman’s heart and don’t want anything that comes too easily anyway.  And for all singles,  there’s nothing worst than someone ASSuming they are the only one in your life or in your bed.  There is no reason for you to assist in perpetuating their fantasy filled delusions by not being straightforward about your Pair and a Spare Dating Program.

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Deborrah

Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.

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Category: Date Smarter, Not Harder

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  1. BlackNarcissus says:

    I have no problem with women dating as many men as they want to at once, however women dating multiple men should be willing to split the costs on dates. How can I be sure of a woman’s intent if she has 3 guys paying for dates?

    • Why do you care? You aren’t the pussy holder by contract dude, so whatever she does with her time and body is HER business, not yours. If you don’t want to risk your little $39.00 on a date, then stay at home! Until you prove yourself to be the RIGHT man, you are just jockying for position. Men often date more than one woman at a time, how about you split the cost of her vaginal cleaning products?

    • LMH says:

      LOL. That’s pretty funny. You can’t “be sure of a woman’s intent” until after you have dated a while, no matter how many men she dates at once. Just like she can’t be sure of your intent. That’s what dating is. Her intent is probably what most womens’ intent is, to find a mate/date/husband/boyfriend that satisfies her emotionally, intellectually, physically etc. and is best suited to her needs and desires.

      Paying for a date (or many dates) doesn’t mean anything other than she found you attractive enough and interesting enough to want to get to know you better and you found her attractive enough and interesting enough to want to get to know her better. Dating doesn’t entitle anyone to anything (except courtesy and mutual respect)until both parties have agreed to be exclusive/committed.

    • Raz says:

      BlackNarcissus: “however women dating multiple men should be willing to split the costs on dates. How can I be sure of a woman’s intent if she has 3 guys paying for dates?”

      Stop using that excuse for you being a cheap trifling guy who doesn’t want to pay for dates. Besides, you would never know how many dates a woman had when she was out with you, unless she told you. Instead of worrying about some other dude, you should be concentrating on the time you have with her when you all are in each other’s company. Nobody else matters at that time. Women should never date a guy who is cheap, and perhaps that is why women have more than one guy. They probably have a guy who is generous, and another one who is cheap but maybe has something else going for him. (though I doubt it). A guy who is cheap with a scrooge like mentality tends to let that attitude permeate other aspects of his life and is nobody a woman would want to waste time dealing with.

      • BlackNarcissus says:

        The money isn’t the issue at all. I’m far from cheap, and have no problem paying for dates, it’s what I should do if I ask a woman out. I’m not saying that a woman should drop everything and decide to exclusively date me after one date, but after 3 or 4 dates we should have an idea of where things are headed. If we’ve been dating for a while and she’s still dating other guys, I’m going to assume that maybe she’s not into me, just wants to be friends, or maybe just likes a free night out every once in a while. Why should I pay for dates if I’m being treated like a friend?

        I don’t see the problem with women splitting the cost of dates in the first place though. I’ve gone out with women who insisted we split the costs on dates, and things went great.

  2. Valerie says:

    “Take care of yourself. I wish both of you well. Sorry if I offended anyone. A bad temper is one of my faults. I’m not too proud to admit that. Peace.”

    Dude you should have written that from get go instead of at the ending after she whupped you, I mean, gave you a reality check. I love reading Surviving Dating cause she is so very smart! Don’t mess with Miss Cooper.

  3. JB says:

    No offense but I saw on your Facebook page that you call yourself a “prophetess” and “bishop”. My question is this; when you give advice like the “pair and a spare dating program” do you feel the you are being led by the Spirit of God or are you giving way to your flesh? It’s just that I can’t imagine God giving someone that sort of counsel. Two wrongs don’t make a right. How is the love of God being conveyed in your messages? Do you spend time in prayer before you post these vids and articles? You definitely have passion and zeal for what you do; but are you doing it for God’s glory? The passion is there; but I’m skeptical about your purpose. I sense bitterness. We are taught in the Bible that if we allow a root of bitterness to spring up that many will be defiled. Please don’t slam me. I really do want to know your thoughts. Peace.

    • Dude, that was done simply in jest, trust me. I was being totally and completely sarcastic. If you had read more of my writings on the Black Church you would know that already and wouldn’t have wasted your time writing this note. May I direct you to the navigation bar at the top of the page. Click the link that says THE BLACK CHURCH. All the posts are listed there.

      My belief is that if Juanita “The Hooka” Bynum, Creflo “Give Me Yo'” Dollar(s) and T.D. “the Snake” Jakes, along with Eddie “Love Me” Long-Time can walk around calling themselves religious leaders, I have every right to do the same. My Facebook titles have just about as much religious conviction associated with them as theirs does.

      • JB says:

        Okay but, as I said before, two wrongs don’t make a right. No matter what your rationale is you will have to answer for claiming those titles one day. I think you should seriously consider pulling those titles off the web. As you yourself have pointed out, too many are already being led astray as it is. You believe they are wrong but you will suffer the same fate as them if you continue with this sarcasm.

        At any rate I still sense bitterness. And I don’t consider my time to have been “wasted” writing to you. Do you think that you are “wasting your time” putting all of this stuff on the internet? I was the first to comment on this piece but you say I wasted my time? That is a bit confusing. I would think you would appreciate someone (especially a black man) taking the time to dialogue with you about your concerns.

        I can’t help but notice your choice of pics in your “pair and a spare” piece. The sisters are flanked by white men. Now understand, I have nothing against interracial dating. I’m all for it. But after reading some of your posts I have to believe those pics were a deliberate shot at black men; who you seem to have a lot of contempt for. You obviously want and need love (preferably from a black man?). We all need love. I just don’t think you will find it with your current mindset. Or… if you do find it, you won’t be able to hold onto it for very long. You have a voice and passion. Please use it for the good. We could all benefit from that. Otherwise it’s you that will be wasting your time. Peace and blessings.

        • Answer to who exactly? And what is going to happen in your estimation? NOTHING! Just as nothing is happening to any of these crook ass pastors that yall are following like the Pied Piper. I will do what I want to do and you and no one else will tell me what to do or how to do it. Anyone that wants to follow someone would be much better off to follow ME than any of those preachers, that’s for sure!

          Secondly, get off the bitter word. All you church people have one vocabulary word. I am not bitter at all because I have nothing to be bitter about. You all want to label anyone that isn’t a pastor boot licker like you “bitter.” I don’t waste my money and time in church! I’m quite happy with my life.

          As for the photo, who cares? My blog is not exclusively about Black people, and I cover interracial relationships as well. If you want to take a photo on one website personally and get all bent out of shape about it, that is your choice. It never ceases to amaze me how Black men think everything is supposed to be about them and show them in a good light. SMH.

          Lastly, I don’t need to take “shots” at Black men. If I want to slam anyone, I do it quite openly. Yes, I have contempt and even disgust for the behavior and attitudes of many many Black men. All of them? No way! But the ones that behave in the ways I am condemning, most certainly.

          I don’t need your pseudo psychological analysis of my behavior or my love life, which you know nothing about. The fact that you are worrying about who is getting into my bed is funny to me. Black men always worrying about what women do with their pussy. Leave it alone because its none of your business.

          I am a warrior, not here to be kissing the butts of men. Warriors are not here to make friends, I am here to make CHANGE.

        • Raz says:

          JB: “No matter what your rationale is you will have to answer for claiming those titles one day. You believe they are wrong but you will suffer the same fate as them if you continue with this sarcasm.”

          Fear mongering tactics. See this is why I’m against the institution of religion.

          The only reason black folks follow it is because they are ‘afraid’ of the unknown what might happen if they don’t. That is not an empowering mindset to have. Nah, I can’t buy into that type of thinking. That’s for mindless drones and that’s not me.

          • JB says:

            Fear mongering? So you think it’s wise to go around claiming to be something you’re not? Why don’t you go into a bank and claim to be a bank robber? Perhaps you could walk into Blood territory wearing all blue and claim to be a Crip? Why don’t you say you’re crazy and go point a toy gun at a cop? BANG! You’re dead! That cop will take you at your word.

            See… people have a tendency (for better or worse) to believe people are what they say they are. That’s why there’s such a thing as con artists. Thy take advantage of peoples belief in them. I don’t condone the behavior of false prophets in any way shape or form. But I don’t think that playing with peoples faith is cool either.

          • Raz says:

            JB: “So you think it’s wise to go around claiming to be something you’re not?”

            I never said that, these are your words.

            JB: “See… people have a tendency (for better or worse) to believe people are what they say they are.”

            Oh well if people are dumb enough to take people at face value without investigating then they get had just like those Eddie Long congregants and all the rest of those folks sitting up there in these big mega churches drinking the religion koolaide and blindly following these charlatans standing behing a podium and using religion to swindle people out of their money.

            Only stupid scaredy cat people function on this level. Highly intelligent, independent and analytical thinkers like me and others are much too smart to fall for this crap. Bible thumping Christians are some of the dumbest people in the world. They behave just like you say, easily swayed and believe everything they see and hear no questions asked, that’s why the churches are filled with people like that making the Eddie Longs, TD Jakes and others filthy rich while their coffers are empty.

            JB: “But I don’t think that playing with peoples faith is cool either.”

            Give it a rest, nobody gives less than a dayum what you think about other people’s faiths since none of us buy into that koolaid anyway. Go sell that to your fellow ‘religionites’ lololol. Ms. Cooper doesn’t need your approval or any of these fear mongering bible thumping idiots to claim whatever title she wants on her page. She doesn’t need you guys to legitimize her or even recognize her. She could care less and certainly ain’t looking for any support or any of that from y’all. Y’all can’t even recognize the creeps running around behind the pulpit up in your own church so get out of here with that mess. Shoot do I hear you whining about former rapper Ron who now calls himself Rev Ron? He even had his own reality show. So pluueeze, all these so called ministers are pimping big time.

      • Raz says:

        Deborrah: “My belief is that if Juanita “The Hooka” Bynum, Creflo “Give Me Yo’” Dollar(s) and T.D. “the Snake” Jakes, along with Eddie “Love Me” Long-Time can walk around calling themselves religious leaders, I have every right to do the same. My Facebook titles have just about as much religious conviction associated with them as theirs does.”

        🙂 🙂 🙂 ROTFL You got that right!! And you don’t cost your audience one red dime! LOL, you are more of a prophetess/Bishop/Priestess than any of those shysters!

        • JB says:

          Did you miss the part where I said I don’t condone the behavior of false prophets? You don’t know me so I understand why you may misunderstand where I’m coming from. Just so you know; I have stepped away from the organized church. I think the american church has lost it’s way focusing on prosperity etc.. Do I still believe in the Lord? Yes I do. But I believe that a great many of these pastors were not called by God. Far too many put their faith in men rather than God. I can’t even imagine Jesus or the Apostle Paul sitting through a lot of the sermons I hear being preached. They have turned the church into a den of thieves. Folks will literally throw money at these pastors feet but they wouldn’t help the person sitting next to them who is in need. I can’t get with that.

          So I think we have more in common than you think. One last thing; did you know that by becoming 501 (c) 3 corporations the government can determine what is allowed to be preached in churches? Pastors are prohibited from teaching people to obey God rather than men. But I guess that tax free loot is too much to resist because most churches have signed this deal with the devil. The state, not God, is truly the head of many of these places. I’m done with personality cults. I need God, not a concert and fashion show. I’m not paying for anybody’s lear jet with my hard earned money anymore either. Take care of yourself. I wish both of you well. Sorry if I offended anyone. A bad temper is one of my faults. I’m not too proud to admit that. Peace.

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