Day 11 – 40 Days of Rain on DBR Black Men: Failure to be Chivalrous

| 03/21/2013 | Comments (4)

These days seeing a black man give a woman his seat on a crowded bus or train, even if he has parked his wide ass in the seats reserved for seniors and handicapped, is a freaking miracle. DBR black men don’t think they should open doors for women, pay for dates they asked women out on, or do anything that shows they have home training and good manners. DBR black men act more like uncouth boors than they do gentleman when it comes to how they treat black women.

And that’s the truth.

DBR black men say things like:

  • Chivalry is dead and women killed it by being feminists! Well if you want to make as much money as a man and have sex and babies without marriage, and do all the things men do, then we shouldn’t have to open your doors or pay for dates!
  • Chivalry is for suckas and simps! You women can open your own damn door. Fuck you! I ain’t doing no shit like that for a black bitch!
  • It seems chivalry is only supposed to go one way… one of the few advantages a woman gets. How often do you compliment your man, buy him roses, or do any of the things that women want from men?
  • Women wanna know why is chivalry dead? It is not dead for certain types of women those who don’t know how to respect their bodies and keep their legs closed. If you don’t respect yourself no man is going to respect you.
  • Respect or chivalry is not something you give to just any woman. Those who respect themselves receive my acts of kindness. Sounds like you wanna program a man to be a servant. Equal rights, equal treatment!
  • Chivalry is supposed to be a two way street… I’m only buying stuff for her and doing stuff for her? Like if I see something at the store and I know my lady would like it, I’ll get it for her. But what about me?

The bitchassedness of DBR black men never ceases to amaze me.

Before we get too deep into this discussion, let’s take a moment to discuss what chivalry is and the origination of the behaviors we associate with being chivalrous. The dictionary defines chivalry as:

1. Gallantry, courtesy and honor.

2. The noble qualities a knight was supposed to have, such as courage and a readiness to help the weak.

3. The demonstration of any of these qualities.

Let’s also include the Wikipedia definition which goes into a bit more depth.

Chivalry was originally conceived of as an aristocratic warrior code — the term derives from the French term for horseman — involving honor, gallantry, and individual training and service to others. Over time its meaning has been refined to emphasize more ideals such as knightly virtues, honor, courtly love, courtesy, and less martial aspects of the tradition.

The Knight’s Code of Chivalry was a moral system that stated all knights should protect others who can not protect themselves, such as widows, children, and elders. All knights needed to have the strength and skills to fight wars in the Middle Ages. Knights not only had to be strong but they were also extremely disciplined and were expected to use their power to protect the weak and defenseless. Knights vowed to be loyal, generous, and “of noble bearing”. Knights were required to tell the truth at all times and always respect the honour of women. Knights not only vowed to protect the weak but also vowed to guard the honor of all fellow knights. They always had to obey those who were placed in authority and were never allowed to refuse a challenge from an equal. Knights lived by honor and for glory. Knights were to fear God and maintain His Church. Knights always kept their faith and never turned their back on a foe. Knights despised pecuniary reward. They persevered to the end in any enterprise begun.

So in essence, the term “chivalry” defines admirable behavior of strong, brave men. The code of chivalry is a guide for redeeming conduct…. a set of limitations which men of honor and power placed upon themselves with the realization that setting a good example sends a message which is far more powerful than words on paper or those said out loud.

Being gallant for a man in modern times would be demonstrated by “Polite attention or respect given by men to women.” He will hardly go out and slay dragons and rescue damsels in distress, but he will open doors to cars and buildings, help with her chair and coat, walk on the outside of the curb, tip his hat with a smile at strangers, give his seat to older people and women, offer to help people with their boxes or packages if it seems they need a hand, and refuse to stand by and let someone hurt another person without doing something about it (which could be as simple as calling 9-1-1 or as brave as tackling and putting to sleep a fool that is trying to make off with someone’s kid or a screaming woman).

not trying to hear this mess about feminism being the reason black men are not chivalrous

What is so hard about that and why do DBR black men refuse to do it?

Non-Chivalrous Black Men and Feminism

DBR black men point to feminism as the reason chivalry is dead. It’s dead they say, and you feminists killed it. They feel that women must choose one or the other. So if you want a man to open a door for you, then it means you have no right to demand equal pay for equal work since he is spending 3.5 seconds opening a door for you once in his entire lifetime or paying $25 for a lunch date.

You are supposed to suffer economically for your entire life even though you went to college and got better grades with a harder major than he had. But as your reward for having him pay for your half of the lunch bill ($12.50), you have to shut up and go live a life of bare feet and pregnancy to qualify to be treated with kindness and respect. Otherwise he feels justified in letting a door slam in your face, and having pregnant women stand up on a hot crowded bus while he sits there with a scowl on his face.

Though women lament the days of manly chivalry, one guy says there is a group of women that are still treated in a chivalrous manner even if that isn’t you:

Now is there a social group where women are still valued and treated with chivalry? Yes. But as a Feminist you will NEVER see it. I have a woman who I treat like an angel, but I OWN that woman and she agrees that is the way she wants it. Feminist like you are automatically insulted when they find an owned woman. If you are going to be insulted by it then you will never get it. Naked truth isn’t so nice is it? Feminists wanted it. Feminists DEMANDED it. Feminists were granted it. Now stop complaining you are being treated like a man!

You see that he feels because he treats her well that he OWNS her? That is why women adopt a feminist mindset. No female is a pet on a leash and is owned because a man is polite to her or treats her like a human being. His attitude sucks ass.

What Chivalry Is and Is Not

Many black men associate chivalry with buying women they are messing with or married to gifts like purses, shoes and bling, or paying her bills. In their minds that is a simp and they therefore refuse to do anything of the sort. We need to clear that misconception up though… buying a woman gifts or paying her bills is NOT being chivalrous – that is your obligation to a woman you are fucking, have fucked or hope to fuck in the future. If you are fucking her and refuse to treat her like she is special in whatever way is meaningful TO HER, well expect to be single soon.

One of the underlying problems we see in black men is their lack of common decency, basic respectful courtesy and yes, chivalry toward black women. Their mistaken belief is that black women must somehow earn the right to be treated with the common courtesy they demonstrate to women of other races as a matter of course.

In reality, chivalrous behavior has nothing to do with what a woman does to “earn” your respect, nor does it have to do with her race, nor does it have anything to do with you getting your dick wet, nor does it have to do with gender. Instead, chivalry has everything to do with how you were raised to treat other people and your expectations of yourself as a man.

Chivalrous behavior is exhibited by men of high moral fiber and character, and they treat everyone in a chivalrous manner because that is who they are.

Men that are truly chivalrous gentlemen do not turn their character on and off like a light switch, or only demonstrate gentlemanly attitudes to certain people, at certain times. They are instead a chivalrous gentleman 24/7 to everyone, including senior citizens on canes, their family members, children, married women, other men whose arms are full of babies or package, fat people, tall people, white people, and single black women whether attractive or not.

Is Racism the Reason Black Men Refuse to be Chivalrous?

We discussed this issue on my FaceBook page earlier today. One woman expressed her belief that black men are not chivalrous because of slavery. She felt that black men didn’t truly understand what being chivalrous meant because of the influence of the slave master and Mister Charlie on their lives.

If I had been face to face I would have laughed in hers.

Even DBR Black men are not ignorant boobs; they understand the tenets of chivalry VERY well. I know this to be true because they can tell you in great detail what chivalry is and how it benefits women! They also are very clear on the fact that they ain’t doing it unless a woman proves to them that she “deserves” it. They don’t want other men to see them acting like a simp they say. They are also very clear on how they turn it on and turn if off when they think there is a benefit for them like some ass.

What that means is they aren’t really anything close to being a gentleman, nor are they affected by slavery. They are just some trifling fools that only want to be ‘nice’ to a woman if she is someone they think they have a chance at getting some booty from.

In essence all the woman above did was give DBR black men yet another weak ass excuse for their foul, distasteful, nasty ghetto behavior to women. It ain’t slavery, and it ain’t Mister Charlie influencing them. Nope! It is 100% totally trifling nigga-derived behavior that has nothing to do with history and everything to do with their effeminate natures that want to be coddled and treated like women instead of being leaders like men.

Oh yeah, because any male that worries that a woman is being treated nicer than he is or being given things that he is not being given like flowers and candy is bitch made and effeminate.

One reader, noticing the male whining about flowers had this to say:

Did a guy really say, ‘do you buy your man roses?’ Bwahahaha! Even my gay friends would call that “gay”! No, my husband wouldn’t want roses- he’d want hunting and fishing gear, maybe some books, perhaps some gadgets. Nice try, though. And thanks for showing us your, uhm, feminine side! LOL

Dude is straight moist.

Why Black Men Resist Chivalry

I think a lot of what we are seeing today has to do with boys being raised in fatherless homes. Young boys learn how to be men by modeling other males. If there is no male in the home, they generally either learn how to be “men” by modeling negative behaviors out in the streets or on television, or they model themselves after women. Both are bad ideas.

do black women really want thugs living the thug life chilvarous black men chilvary and feminismSo what we have now in the 25-35 age range of marriageable black men is a record number of misogynistic, no class having, no clue having, fatherless males. They are heavily influenced by rap culture, rape culture and television reality shows which promote thuggery and all of its negative anti-woman rhetoric.

So young men are growing up learning to disrespect women, mistreat all that is feminine, and to hate on anything female with black skin. These young men are followers not leaders. So if someone in their group starts talking that bitch and ho conversation, the rest of them join in. Their conversation focuses on treating black women as sperm receptacles, unworthy of even a modicum of honor, respect or love.

Being a gallant gentleman and treating women with civility or chivalry is certainly not on their agenda.

A young man wrote to share his story of an encounter with a non-chivalrous DBR black male:

Deb, why do some of us black men think that showing chivalry is being a punk? I ask because my wife and I were going to dinner. I opened the door for her and another black woman was walking out. She turned to my wife and said IT MUST BE NICE. Then her man I guess got mad and told her “I don’t do punk shit like that and don’t ever expect me to!” That is why I enjoy going on your page. You raise questions that black women need to address and black men run from. Ladies should know this is the best way to weed out those who have these negative traits and are not going to change. It cuts out the time wasting that happens in dating. @David Houston

My father taught me that as well. He said “if a guy comes to pick you up and goes down to his car and hops in without opening your car door first, you are to turn around and bring yo ass back into the house. That nigga is stupid and you will NOT be going anywhere with his dumb ass.”

A woman shared a story of a DBR black male sighting in her doctor’s office that was railing against chivalrous behavior when it came to a black woman.

I was sitting in the waiting room of a busy doctor’s office waiting for my daughter to complete her visit. It was a very busy day for the staff; in fact, by noon there were no seats in the large waiting area for people to sit. Some people (mostly women) were left standing. I noticed as more women walked into the waiting room, older men (Black and White) stood up to let the ladies have their seats, while a few younger Black males didn’t even move.

One young Black male even had the nerve to say to another older Black man who gave up his seat, “Ain’t none of these b#tches my girl. What the hell do I look like giving any of them my seat?” The whole room heard the statement and I swear, every Black individual in the room probably felt very embarrassed to share the same skin color with that classless idiot. It’s because of males like him and many others like him that the world today (including Black women) view Black men as being less than men. “ @Candace Williams

What trips me out is that I hold the door for other people all the time. If I’m right there, and it’s not going to take me all out of my way or make me late to where I am going, why in the world would I let a door slam in someone’s face? I hold the door for women and children, and I hold the door for men. Neither the gender or race of the person behind me crosses my mind, I’m just being a nice and polite person like my parents raised me to be.

And if I see someone coming with a big box, a stroller, two children, or suitcases or bags of groceries, I hold the door open for them even if it means going out of my way a few seconds or running back to get the door for them after I’ve stepped away. To me such a thing is simply common human courtesy, treating someone else with the consideration that I would love to have shown me.

Pooky and Ray Ray Are More Chivalrous Than Good Black Men

Interestingly enough, the most chivalrous men I’ve ever gone out with were either white guys or black men who were not necessarily from the best background. A couple of them I found out later had parents that were on drugs, or they were raised in foster homes, or they pretty much raised themselves after being passed from one relatives home to another their entire lives.

They were not gang bangers or street pharmacists, but the plain basic go to work, go home, work out at the gym or play dominoes types of guys… just basic guys that had a rough start in life. They were the type that didn’t go looking for trouble and would try to de-escalate things if trouble showed up, but they would quickly drop you if you got too far out of pocket. Otherwise though, they were lots of fun and easy to spend time with. They didn’t think they were God’s gift to women, and seemed truly honored that I was out with them on a date.

Historically, these were the guys that opened car doors, that helped me with my coat, that held my hand when we crossed the street, that really LOOKED at me, that put their arm around me protectively when we were in crowds, and that would take me anywhere I wanted to go without a word of complaint. black men chilvarous black man chilvary is dead black men are not chivalrous

The street dudes were attentive on the dates and never asked me to chip in a DIME, or to pay for my share on a date. If I wanted to drive my car they would pay for gas and parking and get out and pump the gas. They were very confident in their manhood, and if I ever even offered to pay anything would give me the look and say “baby, I got this. I’m a man!” No one would dare refer to any of them as a simp because they might be missing some teeth.

On the other hand the so-called “good black men” were the often the worst dates and the ones that caused the most drama.

Reflecting back on men I’ve gone out with in the past (most just once), several whined non-stop about women’s liberation and why should they have to pay for dates anyway? A couple asked me out then had the gall to tell me what my half was when the bill came (I refused to pay). Most would hint on the phone about me asking them out instead of just making the date, I suppose because they didn’t want to have to pay for a date. If they did ask me out (the only way I would ever go), they expected me to open my own door even teetering on high heels.

Knowing a woman can’t walk fast in those things, I remember two that didn’t care and stormed ahead, not walking beside me to our destination. All kinds of weirdness and uncomfortableness with the “good black men” that felt a black woman should feel blessed that they were given the time of day from the “elite” black fucker.


If chivalrous behavior from a black man is something that a single black woman has to earn, is it any wonder why these “good black men” guys have no woman? What woman would want a man so petulant and uncaring? These guys are either single because women don’t want them, or in relationships where their women are miserably unhappy. They have shit twisted and think that they are the prize to be cherished instead of the woman.

The frightening reality is that these DBR men want to BE women; they covet for themselves the one thing that only men are qualified to give to women – masculine protective energy.

As one happily married (non-black) man with a black wife broke it down: “a gentleman is WHO you are, not something you “DO.” DBR black men need to get a damn clue.


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Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.

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  1. itsmeak says:

    Hopefully the BW reading this are fleeing Blackistan and leaving behind the idea of dating DBRs from ANY socio-economic background and/or level of education and taking their daughters and sons with them naturally.
    And for the fleeing black ladies who have sons, show your sons this website which has very good tips on it for manners, grooming, dressing and even everyday living:

  2. rockets2 says:

    Doing the online dating thing now. I had a “good black man” say he wanted to meet me. He said he wanted a “meet and greet.” The type of let me see you but not go out or anything like that. He suggested we meet in the park. I said no I don’t do that, I like to be taken out and treated like a lady. He goes into this tirade about some women like to use men for money and diner. He is not a simp living in his mom’s basement driving a Benz, he has bills to pay. That everyone knows that “females” are sometimes after money and men “want to fuck.” Not only did this man use foul language to describe a sex act with a woman he doesn’t even know, he is telling me that some women are not even worth a coffee date or a 30 dollar meal at Applebees. I think any woman is worth that. If 30 dollars is too much for you, you shouldn’t be dating at all. Furthermore, why don’t you get to know the woman more via phone so you know you are not wasting your time and money, or is it all about looks for you? A lot of these “good blk men are full or themselves or assholes. Some blk men think that marriage for them is only for women that look like Beyonce (even though they look like the last dump I took) or white and latina women. They will turn a blk woman into a baby mama and marry the latina.  Guess what, the way you treat your mom, sister daughter, is the way I deserve to be treated. Let me stop, I’m getting my pressure up. My point is Deb, that you are on point.

  3. Razzy says:

    Another one hit out of the ball park. I’ve even had a blind man (non black) open a door for me.  He was holding onto my arm and had  his stick out in front of him and felt the door, and said, “Let me get this for you” and dude opened the door. Ain’t that some shit!  These DBR’s are totally worthless! They need to crawl back up the pussy that pushed them out. Because they ain’t nothing but pussies!

  4. DU2 says:

    ” The Knight’s Code of Chivalry was a moral system that stated all knights
    should protect others who can not protect themselves, such as widows,
    children, and elders. All knights needed to have the strength and skills
    to fight wars in the Middle Ages. Knights not only had to be strong but
    they were also extremely disciplined and were expected to use their
    power to protect the weak and defenseless. Knights vowed to be loyal,
    generous, and “of noble bearing”. Knights were required to tell the
    truth at all times and always respect the honour of women. Knights not
    only vowed to protect the weak but also vowed to guard the honor of all
    fellow knights.”
    This was more than opening doors, they were supposed to behave with a certain level of  honor and integrity. they were trained warrior who were to defend the defenseless, honor their leaders and honor each other. They walked in accountability (or were supposed to according to the code). They were warriors as well which  flies in the face of men being a Ryan Seacrest metrosexual. most men would fail and 99% of black men would definitely fail!

    Great Article well spoken!!

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