During a break up my girl slept with one of my friends… how do I get over it?
Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
I have met the gurl of my dreams. In fact, she’s someone that I’ve dated before. The only problem is that while we were not dating each other (and there is a large amount of time between when we first dated and now), she dated and slept with one of my former friends.
He and I are no longer on speaking terms (for a completely different reason), but I can’t get their relationship out of my head. She is wonderful. She’s exactly everything I want in a gurl. I couldn’t be more attracted to someone. But I can’t get this image of them together out of my head. What do I need to do?
Should I tell her that I’m having problems with what she did during our break up? I’m aware that it’s a self-esteem issue on my part, and I know that she truly loves me and wants to be with me. But I can’t shake this feeling of…jealousy? Please help!
Signed,
Silent in Seattle?
Dear Silent:
Straight insecurity, immaturity, and jealousy, and it’s rather stupid jealousy under the circumstances because YOU WERE’NT WITH HER. Remember? Break up means whatever relationship you had was over. Since you two were not a couple, she had every right to sleep with whomever she pleases, just like you did.
Since you weren’t her man during the time of the break up, you had no claims on her time, her energy, her heart, or her body at that point. So why are you tripping? You don’t own her pussy dude. It’s not property. You don’t stake a claim on it and plant your flag.
Not only that, I’m sure you weren’t all virginal and pure, sitting on your hands waiting around for her to come back into your life while you were apart, now were you? So why are you holding her to a different standard than you are holding yourself?
Oh, I know why! Because men like that fantasy of being the first and the only one to tap that ass, and since you personally know this guy, you have to come to grips with the reality that she had sex with another man. This situation is forcing you to give up that male fantasy of ownership of the vagina, and you are having a hard time doing it.
But you know what, this is not her issue, it’s yours. Telling her about it is not going to change anything! It’s not gonna make you feel better either. All you are going to do is start a bunch of shit that will make her fed up with your immaturity and bad attitude. No woman wants to be with a man who throws her past in her face every time he gets upset or wants to try to win an argument.
So I’m gonna tell you something you need to get real clear on: If you cannot get yourself to accept her for the person she is right now, the person you claim to love, then leave her alone. We all come with baggage, prior relationships, hurts, pains, experiences. That is what makes us what we are.
For you to sit in judgment and condemn her for her past is just criminal dude, and it won’t make you a very good partner for her until you get past that. Counseling might help. If you don’t want to go that route, then just move on.
Deborrah
Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.
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Category: Dating Advice
